critique wanted Rate my first OC

[Silver Stream. 708]

So I need some opinions on my OC Silver Stream. 

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/silver-stream-r9094

 

 

 

I might make a few changes afterwards, so constructive criticism is highly appreciated 

[SugarfootWillie 383]

Honestly your OC is very well constructed, and incredibly relatable to not only a general audience, but also the niche of people who use literary arts and nature to gather and nurse themselves. Your back story essentially outlines the coming-of-age struggle of finding out who oneself is and does so in a way that is not cookie cutter. Old things done in new ways, that's the key to innovation.

[Silver Stream. 708]

Honestly your OC is very well constructed, and incredibly relatable to not only a general audience, but also the niche of people who use literary arts and nature to gather and nurse themselves. Your back story essentially outlines the coming-of-age struggle of finding out who oneself is and does so in a way that is not cookie cutter. Old things done in new ways, that's the key to innovation.

 

 

Oh wow, was not expecting that sort of reply. I'm honored for your rating. Thank you so much 

[pyroshark 19]

       I h8 to be a critic to a great O.C. but, as nice and comfortable as those destinations sounds as cannon placed that we know firsthoof, it is kind of (my opinion) insulting to me that you are just giving us these confirmed places.

      Go wild, Make new places up that aren't proven but still seem possible. a monastery of mountain goats? go for it. it should make think " whoa, now she has Realy gone places!" 

       But hey that is my opinion and your O.C. Is an Amazing creation no matter what you choose. You got my approval no matter what you choose to do, and I look forward to getting to know her better.

Edited March 5, 2016 by pyroshark

[Silver Stream. 708]

       I h8 to be a critic to a great O.C. but, as nice and comfortable as those destinations sounds as cannon placed that we know firsthoof, it is kind of (my opinion) insulting to me that you are just giving us these confirmed places.

      Go wild, Make new places up that aren't proven but still seem possible. a monastery of mountain goats? go for it. it should make think " whoa, now she has Realy gone places!" 

       But hey that is my opinion and your O.C. Is an Amazing creation no matter what you choose. You got my approval no matter what you choose to do, and I look forward to getting to know her better.

 

 

Thank you so much! I understand what you're saying, but I wanted to shape my OC by using the canon universe of Equestria. What you're suggesting seems more like world building, which is something completely different from creating an OC. But it's not too late to do as you suggested. Silver still has issues...who's to say she won't make new discoveries in the future to face those issues? Such as her issues with her parents and how she neglects her emotional  healing talents. To build world, I prefer to start off in familiar territories then move forward from there. Had I started her off discovering some unknown places and then leaving them, that would defeat the purpose of creating something new because it would've been in the past. 

[MDLineArt 93]

@@Silver Stream.

Three things that are kind of getting to me.

1) I am a bit proponent of Flaws/Vices, and one thing about Silver Stream is she doesn't feel like any failings she has can lead to real challenging encounters.  Don't get me wrong, I love the concept in general, I just feel it can be put over with a clear-cut point of personal failing.  It might just be me, but she seems to fly a little too close to Mary Sue territory, and I see the effort to avoid it.  I think that can be helped if you expound upon the 'Unbearable Personality', because while you tell us what it is, you don't demonstrate how this is holding your character back and in fact just seems to be stated to be swept under the rug immediately.  Again, probably not the impression you wanted to give, just the one I got.

2) [ignore if you are not bringing this one into an RP]  One of the things as an RPer I often ask is: Is the background story more interesting than anything you will be doing?  If so, why aren't we playing THAT story out? 

3) A minor one, but in the background and personality, you were making it a wall of text.  This can make it quite a bit more tedious to read.  Break it up a bit with paragraphs, it makes things easier to read.  Breaking it down a bit into clear chunks will help a bit as a profile.

Hope this helps



P.S.:  Illustration is amazing!

[Silver Stream. 708]

@@Silver Stream.

 

Three things that are kind of getting to me.

 

1) I am a bit proponent of Flaws/Vices, and one thing about Silver Stream is she doesn't feel like any failings she has can lead to real challenging encounters.  Don't get me wrong, I love the concept in general, I just feel it can be put over with a clear-cut point of personal failing.  It might just be me, but she seems to fly a little too close to Mary Sue territory, and I see the effort to avoid it.  I think that can be helped if you expound upon the 'Unbearable Personality', because while you tell us what it is, you don't demonstrate how this is holding your character back and in fact just seems to be stated to be swept under the rug immediately.  Again, probably not the impression you wanted to give, just the one I got.

 

2) [ignore if you are not bringing this one into an RP]  One of the things as an RPer I often ask is: Is the background story more interesting than anything you will be doing?  If so, why aren't we playing THAT story out? 

 

3) A minor one, but in the background and personality, you were making it a wall of text.  This can make it quite a bit more tedious to read.  Break it up a bit with paragraphs, it makes things easier to read.  Breaking it down a bit into clear chunks will help a bit as a profile.

 

Hope this helps

 

 

 

P.S.:  Illustration is amazing!

 

 

1.) Apologies if I failed to expand on her flaws. I usually will do that via roleplay where I can roleplay it out. Her bio is mostly brief when it comes to description. But maybe it's better to not hold back, and just lay EVERYTHING out in detail so people can understand her on a deeper level, because that seems to be what you're looking for. Until I revise her bio, I'll expand on what was said so that you can realize her personal failings:

 

 - Her relationship with her parents. When expressing how she had to live up to everyone's expectations ESPECIALLY her parents, I was implying a strained relationship. Even saying she was forced to sing by her mother, Sour Note, who never had the talent to sing herself. Pretty much a mother forcing her daughter to discover a talent she never discovered herself. Because she was deprived of truly discovering who she is for so long, she grew up a blank flank. Of course, she doesn't HATE her parents. Late I even plan to create bios for them. Sour Note is a unicorn who thinks she knows what's best for her daughter and simply wish to shape her into what she wanted to be. Urbanity, is an earth pony who wasn't originally "Canterlot" material, but eventually became one of the most respected ponies in Canterlot; hosting grand parties and demonstrating aristocracy at it's finest. 

 

- Neglecting her emotional healing abilities. I mentioned this because I wanted to stress how she is still focusing on the wrong things. She studies hard to master her elemental water magic, but doesn't with the other. After all, it's hard to help others when you still need help yourself. 

 

The fact that "high society" and "singing" is listed under her dislikes means she still dealing with the past and can't completely move on. The sad thing is, she doesn't realize this yet.

 

- Her unbearable personality comes from her need to shape herself into what she wants to be. Despite her short adventures, they only brought her out her shell and gave her a way to at least accept that she has the power to be whoever she wants to be. Discovering her cutiemark is only the beginning. But now she is seemingly obsessed with mastering her "talent" without realizing she's neglecting one of them. 

 

 

 

2) That's a good question. I guess I don't want to play this story out because there are far more interesting things to do with her from this point forward. To explore what I've mentioned above and mostly use her past to help shape what happens next. Basically I needed to create a rather simple foundation and build from there. 

 

 

3) Break it down, got it! 

 

 

 

 

P.S  thank you 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm....maybe I should simply add most of what I said here in her bio. 

[MDLineArt 93]

@@Silver Stream.

To put a point on it, further detail isn't near as important as refinement.  I made the mistake to almost make fan-fic level of detail, and it's hard to find that balance between brevity and depth, because many forget that to say detail.  However, part of a greatly writen backstory as I see it is elegance.  The depth should be apparent, without making it too wordy.  But that's usually executed by far more talented writers than I.

[Silver Stream. 708]

@@Silver Stream.

 

To put a point on it, further detail isn't near as important as refinement.  I made the mistake to almost make fan-fic level of detail, and it's hard to find that balance between brevity and depth, because many forget that to say detail.  However, part of a greatly writen backstory as I see it is elegance.  The depth should be apparent, without making it too wordy.  But that's usually executed by far more talented writers than I.

 

 

Fairly said. I will work on a better revision without dumping a load that will cause readers to look in the other direction. 

 

Also, your avatar looks familiar. Are you, by any chance, an author on the FIMFiction website?

[MDLineArt 93]

Fairly said. I will work on a better revision without dumping a load that will cause readers to look in the other direction. 

 

Also, your avatar looks familiar. Are you, by any chance, an author on the FIMFiction website?

 

Nope.  Actually now you have me nervous, thought it was an OC, but what ya said made me think it's now an unwitting carbon copy.  Now I am worried!

[Silver Stream. 708]

Nope.  Actually now you have me nervous, thought it was an OC, but what ya said made me think it's now an unwitting carbon copy.  Now I am worried!

 

 

xD No worries hun. I'm constantly between this site and theirs so it's possible I saw you around this site before but mistaken it to be on the FIMFiction site. I'm working on a story there, so it's easy to get confused, lol

[Starlet Harmony 128]

I didn't have time to read the whole bio, but I was instantly drawn to her because of her colors! She is so beautiful. PLEASE draw some more pics of her and share them! Amazing job!! Excellent for your FIRST OC!

[Silver Stream. 708]

I didn't have time to read the whole bio, but I was instantly drawn to her because of her colors! She is so beautiful. PLEASE draw some more pics of her and share them! Amazing job!! Excellent for your FIRST OC!

 

Oh that art was done by someone else. I merely gave them a description on Silver Stream's out appearance and they brought my imagination to life