critique wanted Nightmare Shiny's Second Story

[Shiny Silvermoon 3,418]

The next story is once again taking place in the nature but not in a forest ; in a valley. I've hesitated a lot before choosing the upcoming story because it's a very long one. I took the decision to relate it because, no matter the lenght, I simply couldn't avoid telling you about the Valley of Headless Men...

In the nineteens, in the Northwest Territories of Canada, there was a valley by the name of Nahanni Valley that would soon be renamed the Valley of the Headless Men. However, the story truly began a long time before this... But first, a bit of context! The Nahanni Valley is only accessible by plane, extreme hiking and the Nahanni River that goes through it. With deep canyons, hot springs, marvellous whitewater, gorgeous hiking and a massive waterfall, the Nahanni is one of the most impressive river trips in Canada. Misfortunately, the area is restricted so nopony can get into it and the lands are also more cursed than the Bermuda Triangle itself. Don't even think about going there or... You'll see.

Like I said, it all started a long time ago, before the nineteens, with the many Native Tribes that tried to settle inside the valley. They have all either suddenly disappeared without a trace or fled after being attacked by demons...

In 1904, there were three bothers called Willie, Charlie and Frank McLeod who decided to go search for gold in the Nahanni Valley. The journey leading to their destination was very exhausting and difficult but with the help of, notably, home-made boats, they ended up where they wanted to be. As they were navigating on their canoe, they arrived in the Flat River, which is anything but flat since it's some sort of rapid. After a moment, the brothers decided to accost on one side of the river and to set their camp. Then, they began to prospect the river, using their gold digger equipements. Immediatly, Willie, Charlie and Frank found gold! They found so much gold that, after about 2 days, their containers were too full for them to continue.

So they packed their stuffs and got back into their boat with the idea of going back to town to sell all the gold and come back right after to find more gold. But, while they were traveling on the river, their canoe broke apart, unable to handle the strenght of the rapids. Misfortunately, all of their gold sank into the water as well as half of their material. With the remaining supplies, Willie, Charlie and Frank managed to swim to the river bank. They were very lucky to be both alive but it still didn't help them feeling better after they lost the fruit of their labor.

Since they still had enough supplies to do so, they decided to go back where their camp was to get some gold again. With the gold, they would be able to buy new equipements and get back to work. The brothers managed to craft a new boat, by cutting a tree, and used it to get back to their prospecting site. Arrived there, they pulled up their camp again and then looked for gold. Strangely, this time, they didn't find anything. They worked all day but they didn't find a single gold nugget. Without anything left but a feeling of failure, they decided to leave the next day.

The three brothers got back home and began to spread the rumor of the gold they found and lost in the river. They were planning to go back to the Nahanni Valley to try again. However, Charlie saw how dangerous the river was when their canoe sank and he didn't want to risk his life for gold. Charlie told his brothers to go without him this time. So Willie, Frank and another man called Robert left on a new boat to the Nahanni Valley. Weeks passed, then months and then years... At first, Charlie thought that they simply found so much gold that they decided to settle there for a while to collect as much gold as they could. In his mind, the three men were going to come back rich. However, two years later, they still didn't give any sign of life and Charlie became worried. To make sure they were okay, he decided to gather a few men in his town and go on an expedition to find them. Charlie wasn't prepared for what he would see...

Charlie and his search party got into the Nahanni Valley. Just to get to the Nahanni Valley was difficult but then they had to fight the almost rapids of the Flat River. During the entire time, they looked right and left, in hope to find sign of life but they didn't see such things. After a long journey, they reached the end of the Flat River and ended up in another river that was a lot more calm. Soon the stream leaded their boats in a section called Second Canyon, one of the four canyons of the valley. I have no word to describe how gigantic those canyons are. They are, about 915 meters high, unclimbable walls of rock. Plus, the Second Canyon has absolutely no shores on both of it's sides and the water is as deep as the mountains are tall which means that, once you get inside the canyon, you have no choice but to reach it's end if you want to get out of the water. The most disturbing things about the Second Canyon are the multiple black openings leading to unexplored cave systems which make you feel like you're being watched by whatever is lurking in the darkness of them. Add to this strange feeling the fact that the brightness decreased a lot due to the giant cliffs blocking the light.

As they were getting closer to the end of Second Canyon, the shores came back and, on one of them, the group saw a tent so they decided to go check it. This is where the horror began... The bodies Charlie's two brother were laying there. One with the hand extended in attempt to grab a rifle like if he wanted to protect himself, and the other half way inside of the tent and half way outside of it. They were both badly decomposed but also... both headless. The heads of the bodies were impossible to find just like the third man that was with them, Robert... Months later another body would be found but it's not 100% sure that it was Robert... There was also "We have found a fine prospect." curved into a tree, so they supposedly found gold but the search party didn't find any gold in the camp.

Charlie then came back home and contacted the authorities to tell them about what he found. After an investigation, the police concluded that the three men starved to death and then animals took their heads away which is a very foolish conclusion if you want my opinion. The police will only get dumber as the story will go because this story isn't over. It was just the first incident...

When the story made the news, people became terrified of the Nahanni Valley, more specifically of the Second Canyon which was renamed "The Headless Valley". Even if people knew that there was gold inside the Headless Valley, no one wanted to risk their life for it. No one except a gold prospector by the name of Martin Jogensen who, regardless of the potential danger, decided to try his luck.

In 1913, after making his mind, Martin made his way up the Flat River. Then, about 113 miles up stream of the Headless Valley, he built himself a small cabin since he wanted to stay there the entire Winter. He had partners who he was supposed to meet up, the next summer, to look for gold with. He sent them a few letters to tell them that he mined a lot of gold which made them very excited for the upcomming summer. When the date they set came, the partners got to the meeting spot, outside of the Nahanni Valley and waited for Martin. They waited during many days. He never came.

Martin's partners finally took the decision of going inside the valley to make sure he was okay. When they found his cabin, they realized that something terrible happened. The cabin was burned to the ground and, laying next to what was left of it, there was the charred body of Martin Jogensen. But the most disturbing fact about the body was that it was also missing it's head.

The police wasn't able to figure out the cause of his death and didn't even made the connection with the previous case where headless bodies were also found. But like for the McLeod brothers, Martin's skull or gold were never found.

In 1921, the rumors of a killer in the Headless Valley were still spreading but, once again, it didn't stop two gold prospectors from going in. John O'Brien and his friend got into the valley despite the rumors, to look for gold. So they made their camp directly inside the Headless Valley and instantly found gold. After a couple days, John left his friend to check the traps that they installed to harvest food. He told him that he was going to be back 8 or 9 days later. I have no idea how many traps they had to think that it would be so long to check them all.

About 12 days later, John was still not back and his friend left their camp to look for him with the help of another prospector who was also in the area. Finally, they found John O'Brien frozen to death. The death itself wasn't strange at all but the conditions of his death were. John was sitting in front of a campfire, which was now out, with an happy expression on his face like if he was just enjoying the warmth of the fire when he suddenly froze to death for no reason. People who witnessed the body described him as "flashfrozen" or frozen in a blink.

The police didn't look further since it was a natural death even if it was very strange.

In 1926, a hunting party was camping inside the Headless Valley. In the hunting party, there was a young woman named Annie Laferte. One night, Annie and her friends were having fun together near the campfire and then they decided to go to bed. The next morning, the group of hunters realized that Annie had vanished. They tirelessly searched for her during all day, until the sunset. Since they didn't find any clue of where Annie could be, the hunting party decided to leave the valley and get in touch with the police, the next day. The police made a huge search but they also didn't find any sign of the woman.

Months later, Big Charley, a man who happened to be in the wood near the hunting party when Annie Laferte disappeared, claimed that he saw her the night she went missing. He didn't know who Annie was but, when he heard about a missing woman, Big Charley knew that he saw her.

The night when the woman vanished, Big Charley was in his bed when suddenly he heard the sound of small rocks falling into the river. So he got up and, without any source of light but the moon, he looked at his left and saw, a few hundred yards away, a naked woman running on all fours up the mountain's side. As she was running like an animal, she was knocking small rocks down the cliff and into the water. All of a sudden, the woman stopped running and turned around which allowed Big Charley to see her face. The man would never forget the expression on her face, it was like she was possessed. He believed that no human on Earth could have done such an odd expression. His entire body then screamed to not go near the woman like if something bad was going to happen to him if he did. So Big Charley simply watched her disappear in the wild.

The description given by Big Charley was matching with the appearance of Annie Laferte so it's taken as a fact that it was her.

In 1931, believe it or not, another gold prospector went inside the Headless Valley to try to find gold. The prospector by the name of Phil Powers built himself a small cabin. A few days later, the cabin was found in ashes and the burned corpse of Phil was inside. It was a strange death because the fire seemingly started on the roof so he should have been easily able to get outside the cabin before it burned completely.

The most logic theory was that he was already dead when the fire began. However, for the police, it was nothing more than an accident. I think that at this point we can all agree that it wasn't an accident.

Guess what happened in 1936... *sighs* Two gold prospectors got inside the valley. Their names were Joe Mullholland and Bill Epier and, shortly after their arrival, they went missing too. Their cabin was found burned down but the two men were not anywhere. They were never found.

1945, once again a gold prospector, Ernest Saburn, had a death wish. As his partners were looking for him, they found his sleeping bag with him inside... headless. His head was never found and the police said that this was probably an accident. No connection with the other cases of headless men.

In 1946, another other gold prospector disappeared in the valley but this time, the police decided to set a searching party to find him. The man would never be found but during the last night that the camping party was in the Headless Valley, while they were camping near the river, people from a native tribe came to warn them about white figures walking around the valley in the darkness. They told them to be careful and to make sure to not be seen by them. After they left, the search party spent the rest of the night horrified as they heard unexplanable screamings in the distance and noise of footsteps all around them. It was like whatever was in the darkness was trying to get them to leave... It's exactly what they did the next day.

Since then, less odd incident happened in the Nahanni Valley as many segments of it became restricted areas. Perhaps to protect the beauty of the site or perhaps for another reason...

Just a little thing before I end this story... There is a countless number of unexplainable deaths and dissapearances that occured in the valley and that I didn't tell you about...

So what do you think? Feel free to tell your opinion on what might be going on in the Headless Valley!

[Iforgotmybrain 5,074]

ooooh I really like this story. First thing that comes to mind would be an isolated tribe that's potentially killing anyone who tries to exploit the land around their territory. Perhaps they take the heads as trophies, or just as a warning to whoever comes to the Headless Valley next.

Or perhaps mother nature herself punishing the prospectors for trying to take what isn't rightfully theirs.

Edited October 29, 2023 by Iforgotmybrain
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[Felis Amafeles 688]

What a spooky story, I felt cold when Hadrien read it...

[Hadrien 949]

This one made me question whether or not the gold they found was real. Like they go to the valley, find gold, but it always end up missing, just like their ends.....

Maybe they weren't suppose to find the gold and then something came to get it back, with interests ?

[StarHeart333 1,763]

It sounds like it could be demons and perhaps some otherworldly creatures protecting something or simply luring in humans to posses or rather attempt to possess. 

Darker animal spirits perhaps.

This story reminds me of one I heard involving an evil town that seems to really be possessed by demons of some sort. No one who stays there ever leaves alive. Evil things happen there such as people getting ill, going mad etc.

It's the very definition of evil town.

[Samurai Equine 50,191]

Maybe it was vacation season and the heads just wanted a break? 

[Comrade Friendship 436]

1 hour ago, Hadrien said:

This one made me question whether or not the gold they found was real. Like they go to the valley, find gold, but it always end up missing, just like their ends.....

What if the supposed gold was actually the ashes of previous victims. The demons or whatever they were seemed to have an interest in burning stuff, so what if the heads they took were then burned into ashes, and because the valley drove them mad, the victims thought it was gold 

Seems like a fun thing some demons or fey would do

[ChrysalisM 280]

Ooh... That one was good. I should mount an expedition there, but arm myself with:

 

Several different holy symbols from various religions (In case one of them doesn't ward the demons off)

A consecrated vial of acid (just in case the consecration doesn't cut it)

A revolver loaded with silver slugs (silver bullets are effective against more than werewolves)

a friend who is slower than me (to help carry the gold, and to stall them while I escape)

A  Bugatti Chiron Super Sport (apparently one of the fastest cars commercially available, and will work as a getaway for me, and my friend if they can keep up.)

and a speedboat (if a water escape is needed. just crossing any river bordering the place should do to, as they say evil spirits cant cross running water)

and 10 pounds of salt...

[Clawdeen 12,182]

I like this one. Well done!
Anyway.It kinda seems like the gold must belong to some sort of creature.

[Brony Number 42 10,054]

You would think a group of armed men could solve this mystery. Don't go alone, keep guards posted, set alarms and traps. Explore the caves.

[Cheerilee 26,572]

I believe there are certain areas of this planet which are host to mysterious and unexplained circumstances. National Parks have a lot of lore and mystery surrounding them. If you want to know more about this sort of stuff, look up "Missing 411". A lot of people would try to claim these things aren't mysterious or aren't whatever, but the fact of the matter is - there are mysterious and unexplained circumstances that occur in this world, that have dark secrets, no matter how people try to explain it away. This really fits in with what I already believe to be true. Inter-dimensional, or non-human presences on this planet.