fan fiction A chunk of my fanfic

[Nah 3,182]

Due to me talking about it so much I thought I should post a chunk of it for all to real for early feedback!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dash woke up in the hospital, she hurt really badly, from what the doctor said, she had a fall after blacking out. She also had no memory whatsoever, the doctor also said she had a concussion with minor brain damage. Then someone walked in, it was Discord, but she didn't know him, "hello dash." he said enthusiastically, "long time, no SEE." "who, who are you? Who am I?" "wow that accident must of screwed you up really badly, I am your friend dash, your best friend, and I was just checking to see if my friend was doing well. Those others, they HATE you, and deep down, you hate them, you need to release that hate." dash was befuddled by what he was saying, then he said "I have a secret alliance of ponies just like YOU. Rejected by society and the civil ideology. Will you accept?" Dash was really interested, and then said to him, "I accept your offer, and will join you." "good, now there is one favor I need you, and only you to accomplish, I need you to give me the elements of harmony, to power the legendary portal staffs, we will be chased out eventually, we need that for a quick and hefty escape." dash said "I will do as you wish."

 

 

What did you think? Feedback is always appreciated!

Edited December 20, 2011 by Samthelegoman

[Zalgo 593]

Good but you needz tu ficks ure gramer

[Nah 3,182]

Good but you needz tu ficks ure gramer

 

I will

[Legit101 300]

Dash couldn't be convinced that easily. More detail required.

[Nah 3,182]

Dash couldn't be convinced that easily. More detail required.

 

Okay, her memory is gone enough to explain.

[Klopp 2,050]

It isn't such a terrible plot, but I believe it could use some work. I am quite certain that anypony who had lost their memory would not easily give in to what anypony tells them, not that quickly at least. Just having Discord say "Do this" and RD responding with "No problem" right away is just a little bit farfetched. You should have Dashie being a bit skeptical about it at first, since she shouldn't know what to believe with having amnesia and all.

 

I believe a good title for this story would be "Chaos Unleashed: Discords Army", only if Discord isn't lying about that "Alliance of Ponies" anyways .

 

Other than that, it seems quite good. I expect it to be pretty good once it's finished

[Tom The Diamond 1,830]

Well, while the premise is interesting, the execution of it, as well as the grammar is less then average.

 

On the grammar spectrum, remember to capitalize the first word of a sentence, and names of characters. Also break into a paragraph whenever another character speaks. Because nopony enjoys reading a block of text.

 

Now, onto the actual story. To begin with, this is very under detailed. Rainbow Dash is in a hospital room. How big is the room? Is she attached to anything? Are there 'Get Well Soon' cards on the desk? Is there a desk? Another thing is Discord's entry. You're just having him walk into the room? Don't you think a nurse or somepony would notice? This is the God of Chaos, he loves making big entrances, and shape-shifting. Have him appear on the 'Get-Well-Soon' cards, or as the little line thing on a hospital monitor, the possibilities are endless with him. Discord is a character who isn't tied down by logic, and shouldn't be.

 

Also, Rainbow Dash in this is very... Unrainbow. Seriously, you could replace her with any character, and it really wouldn't be any different. Even without her memory, she should still have her personality at lest to some extent. Or at the very lest make her question things. Don't have her just accept things.

 

Also, there are several little plot things in here that bug me about this. First, the entire mentioning of 'Doctor said she has x'. Why even bring it up? Unless this is the middle of the story, it would of been more interesting to just stay with Rainbow's perspective. If you wanted to tell the viewer she had suffered brain damage, it could of been done much more subtly and interestingly by saying her head hurt, or there were bandages wrapped around her head.

 

Next is the way Discord acts. First, he plays with Rainbow's Amnesia, and pretends to be her best friend. I can see this happening. Then he mentions the other, who I presume to be the Mane 6. Why? Whats the point of doing so? Rainbow has amnesia, she wouldn't remember anyway. And why even offer her a chance to join his cult thing, why not just pretend she was a member all along? Or better yet, why even mention them at all at that point? Right now he just needs her to get the Elements, why not just tell her to do that, why mention any of the prior stuff? Discord doesn't make deals, or persuade ponies, he messes with their minds, and bends them to his own will.

 

Anyway, that's my opinion, hope it helps.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Tom the Diamond

[Shankveld 4,949]

meh, it's a good rough rough rough copy, need a lot of work tho ! ~

[pondus30 152]

If you take all of these advices, then your text will be amazing! but keep it up!

[Arc Brony 24 12]

This is really good. But I think you need to tell about how Dash blacked out.

[python1471 8]

wow this is really good stuff but rainbowdash wouldnt trust anyone that easily, you need to have her say somthing other that "i will do as you wish". other than that great job