Need opinions and help for my fanfic in progress

[jdb1984 14]

First off, I'm going to apologize in advance for the heavy use of spoiler tags in this post. There may be some that don't want the fanfic spoiled before they get a chance to read the finished product.

 

Secondly, the sample I'm giving you is a rough draft of what the story will be like. Though I didn't pick a specific point, I'd place it somewhere between "Lesson Zero" and "Secret of my Excess". There may be things changed, modified, or completely cut from the final product. Also, if something doesn't fit with canon (though keep in mind where it falls in the timeline as well), TELL ME. I have not watched all the old episodes yet, and I'm trying to also stick as close to the MLP canon as possible.

 

And third, I'm giving you the chance to help me pick out what should happen in the one part I'm asking help in, by using the poll above. Please use the poll, and don't post your answers. You can voice your opinions on the story and/or your choice, but please be careful of spoilers.

 

And last, do not be afraid to make suggestions, give constructive criticism, anything you can think of to say, don't be afraid to voice your opinions and suggestions. Though I can't say I'll use everything people tell me, I will put them into consideration

 

Now that all that is out of the way, let's begin with the story so far:

 

 

It was a perfect day in Ponyville. The sun was out, with only a few white clouds dotting the sky. Twilight Sparkle was out taking a walk, with Spike riding on her back. As they approached the center of town, they saw a large crowd of ponies gathered around in one spot.

 

“I wonder what’s going on,” Twilight said, before heading over there herself.

 

As she got closer, she noticed that Pinkie, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash were among the crowd. And now that she was closer, Twilight could see that they were all gathered around a dark colored stallion. He stood about a hoof taller than Celestia, with a large black horn on his head. His mane and tail were colored a light green color, and his flank had the cutie mark of a magic lamp.

 

“Hey there, Sugarcube,” Applejack greeted, when she saw Twilight approach.

 

“Hi, everyone,” Twilight answered. “What’s going on?”

 

“Nobody knows,” Pinkie answered enthusiastically, bouncing around a bit. “He just said he had a message he wanted all of us to hear. Ooh, this is so exiting.”

 

“Citizens of Ponyville,” the dark stallion said. “I am known as Dark Genie, and I offer you gifts. Anything you want, any wish you may have, I can grant. But only one.”

 

This started to draw murmurs from the crowd, some exited, others disbelieving. Twilight was instantly suspicious of his intentions, though Rarity and Rainbow Dash seemed to be getting exited at the possibilities.

 

“Any wish? Does that mean…” Rainbow Dash started, getting more exited with each word, and her eyes twinkling. “I can join the Wonderbolts?”

 

“I could have a lot of gems, the most beautiful gems to ever grace my dresses. With enough, I could even expand my business and have enough for the material to offer the most stunning dresses ever seen,” Rarity mentioned.

 

“Of course, if you do git a diamond, make sure it’s not just a huge boulder first,” Applejack teased, earning herself a death glare.

 

“However,” Dark Genie continued, cutting into their thoughts. “These gifts will not come without a price. The thing you treasure most will be the payment I will take. And remember, you all have only one wish, so choose wisely. I will have a temporary residence for myself set up tomorrow, and you can come then.”

 

As he turned to walk off, someone asked, “Can you give us a demonstration, to make sure we know you can back your claim?”

 

He turned back and asked, “Can you make a small wish? This one’s for free.”

 

“How about a bag full of bits,” the other pony asked.

 

“Very well,” Dark Genie answered.

 

His horn started to sparkle, and magical energy seemed to wrap itself around the horn, coming together at the tip. Before the crowd, a burlap sack appeared out of nothing, and the magic in the horn faded. The crowd moved closer to the sack, as one of them opened it to find it was full of shiny gold bits. The pony took one out and bit on it experimentally, finding it to be real.

 

As the crowd dispersed, amazed at what they saw, Twilight walked back towards home, her mind on what she just witnessed.

 

“So, what do you think?” Spike asked her.

 

“I’m not sure what to think. I can make things appear out of thin air to a very limited degree, but I can’t make a large bag of bits appear like that. That’s some heavy duty magic, way beyond my current skills,” Twilight answered, then noticed Spike was looking back towards Rarity. “But I think I can guess what you’d wish for, Romeo.”

 

“And you’d probably be right,” he answered, getting a dreamy look on his face.

---

The next day, there was a domed home that appeared on the outskirts of Ponyville. A line of ponies started to form early that morning, just as Rainbow Dash and her crew were clearing up the sky for the day. Some brought what they had to offer, others were empty hoofed.

 

After the first few walked out with their wishes fulfilled, it was evident that somehow, Dark Genie could tell what it was that you truly treasured the most, and took it as he granted the wish. A few left the line to bring their stuff back home once this was common knowledge.

 

When Rainbow Dash finished up the weather changes for the day, she took one look at the line and thought that she should wait until more ponies are finished. Instead, she flew in another direction, spotting Fluttershy in her yard.

 

“Hi, Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash said, as she dropped in for a landing. “Hear what’s going on in Ponyville?”

 

“Oh…hi, Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy answered, as she turned away from feeding some of the animals. “No, I haven’t. Is Pinkie Pie having another surprise party for a new pony?”

 

“No, though I don’t think the new stallion would be interested in getting a Pinkie Pie Party anyway,” Rainbow Dash answered, then filled Fluttershy in on the offer Dark Genie made.

 

“That…sounds nice,” was all Fluttershy had to say. “But I don’t think I’ll be seeing him.”

 

“Really? There’s nothing you really want?” Rainbow Dash asked.

 

“There’s nothing I need. I have a home, my animals, and good friends like you. What more can a mare ask for?” she answered her.

 

“Well, okay. But if you change your mind, he’ll be in town for a couple more days,” Rainbow Dash replied, before flying away.

 

Fluttershy just nodded, as she continued what she was doing.

---

As Rainbow Dash headed back to town, she noticed that the line was a lot shorter than it was earlier that day. Thinking that this was a good of time as any, she fluttered down to land at the end of the line.

 

Things went quickly. No more than 15 minutes past with each pony, and she watched as each one carried out what they always dreamed of having. But then, something unusual happened.

 

The young filly in front of Rainbow Dash stepped inside, and she was in there longer than any of the previous ponies in front of her. And when she finally walked out, she had tears in her eyes. Before Rainbow Dash could ask any questions, she ran off. Rainbow Dash barely had any time to wonder what happened before she was called in.

 

The dome wasn’t all that big on the outside, and inside was even smaller, with just a bed and a kitchen as furnishings. There was a door that Rainbow Dash thought might lead to more rooms, and a stairway that probably led to a basement. Dark Genie himself was standing at the opposite end of the room.

 

“Well, what is it that you wish, young one?” he asked.

 

Rainbow Dash stood her ground, as she looked up at the large unicorn in front of her. After a deep breath, she said, “I wish to be a member of the Wonderbolts.”

 

“Very well. It will be done,” Dark Genie replied.

 

He closed his eyes, as the magic wrapped around his horn again. Rainbow Dash felt herself lifted up, as black magic swirled around her body, soon obscuring her vision. Her body started to tingle, as a Wonderbolts uniform started to appear on her body, starting at the hooves and going up. As it passed her eyes, she gained a pair of goggles as well.

 

As it all faded, Rainbow dash looked over her new uniform. Her ankles had bolts going across them, as well as a large bolt going down her chest. On her flank was the bolt symbol, but her bolt was rainbow in color.

 

“This is awesome!” she cried. “Best. Day. Ever.”

 

“The Wonderbolts will also think of you as a new rookie in their ranks. They will contact you soon about practice times and performances. Enjoy,” Dark Genie told her.

---

‘No, no, no. Why can I never find the right book?” Twilight complained, mostly to herself, as she searched through the library.

 

“If you would organize this place more often, you wouldn’t have this problem every time,” Spike answered, before getting a book to the face.

 

“Stop complaining and keep…wait, here we go.” Twilight replied, finding the one she was searching for. “Finally.”

 

She brought it over to her reading table, flipped the pages magically to find the right one, and started reading.

 

“Dark Genie is a stallion that says he grants wishes, but he is nothing more than a notorious…” was all Twilight was able to read.

---

Rainbow Dash was flying through the air. She knew that she should probably head home, but couldn’t resist showing off her new costume a bit. So she flew low over Ponyville, as ponies looked up and saw her. They thought that a member of the Wonderbolts has made an unscheduled stop there, and were amazed that she decided to come there.

 

When she was done showing off, she noticed that she was near the library, and decided to show off her new uniform to Twilight. But when she walked in, she found that the place was empty.

 

“Twilight? Spike? You home?” she called out.

 

After looking around everywhere, and only an empty library greeting her, she decided that they were both out somewhere. As she turned to leave, the open book, and the illustration of Dark Genie, caught her eye. Curious, she stepped over to read what it said.

 

Dark Genie is a stallion that says he grants wishes, but he is nothing more than a notorious con man. He grants people wishes, and all he asks in return are whatever the recipient treasures the most. This can be anything: sentimental items, great riches, or even…

 

“Family and friends!” Rainbow Dash called out, when she read that part.

 

He stays in any one town for only a few days, and when he leaves, the wishes people make will fade, while he keeps whatever he collects. People’s sentimental items have no value to him, but the riches are kept, and anyone living will be kept as slaves back at wherever he lives. His location is currently unknown.

 

“Nobody messes with my friends and gets away with it," she declared, sliding her new goggles over her eyes. “It. Is. ON!”

 

 

 

A summary of what occurs after this part:

 

 

Rainbow Dash arrives, but is soon captured. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast, and Spike, is in a holding cell in the basement. Twilight tries a few spells, but some kind of magic cancel blocks them. While they try to come up with other options, Spike finds the obvious answer: He's small enough to slip through the bars and grab a key.

 

They burst in upstairs like Big Darn Heroes, free Rainbow Dash, and try to fight them. But his magic is more than a match for them. One mentions they need the Elements of Harmony, but another says that they're locked away in the castle.

 

 

And the options to pick from (mention your own if you have any):

 

 

 

1-Spike suddenly coughs up a letter from the Princess, and inside is the chest containing the Elements of Harmony.

 

-It has been implied that the Princess knows what is going on at least some of the time (she sent the letters that Twilight sent her when she needed them in the fight against Discord). It's not that far out for her to know they need the Elements.

 

-Reeks of Deus Ex Machina

 

---

2-Twilight tells them to "keep him busy", and teleports to the castle to pick them up.

 

-Uses a spell we know Twilight has, and it makes more sense than the above example

 

-We don't know if she can teleport that far. And even if she could, it would be totally out of character for her to leave the others in the middle of a fight.

 

---

3-They send a letter telling her that they need the elements, and she sends them.

 

-The one that makes the most sense.

 

-It would be hard to incorporate it in a believable way, since the one writing would need time to write it, and have pen/paper handy.

 

---

4-They show whatever their element represents, and they appear.

 

-I kinda like this idea. It shows that while they needed the elements, they didn't need to have the physical elements. They already had what their element is inside them.

 

-Has this ever happened in canon? It's also kind of Deux Ex Machinaish in and of itself, and there's a few ponies that I'm having trouble thinking of ways they could show their element.

 

 

Enjoy what i have so far, and don't forget to vote.

Edited December 23, 2011 by jdb1984