OC opinion thread

[Crispy 5,563]

My main OC is:

 

Dusk

 

I gotta say that Dusk just sounds like a rehash of Nyx from Past Sins to me. The fragment of Nightmare Moon, the dark alicorn angle in general... I dunno.

[PonyEcho 1,610]

I like the OC itself, the second version does look better than the first one! His back story (or what you have of it so far) seems interesting, but the fact that he is a blank flank seems a bit weird to me, because he seems fully grown. Maybe you could add one, but make it a bit vague? It would give him some direction, maybe, as I'm sure he would want to figure out what his cutie mark means and what his talent is! That and his missing backstory, obviously. I really like his design, good job ^^

 

Now, it would be awesome if anyone could comment on my OC's ^^ I'm still trying to work out the flaws a little.

 

Flaret: http://mlpforums.com.../_/flaret-r1608

Roseblush (newest addition): http://mlpforums.com...roseblush-r1958

 

Flaret- erm i think you already know how much I like Flaret

Roseblush- I love the design she has, very beautiful and elegant, and i rely like the feel of pressure and expectations of her from other and how that effects her personality and i also see little crack were she just want to be her true self but is unsure who that is (but that is just my opinion. )

[Dreadmallon 353]

Okay, this is gonna make me look like a jerk, but here it goes:

-Saying, "he is not overpowered cuz he's only as powerful as Twilight" doesn't do much, considering Twilight is the most powerful (mortal) spellcaster on the show

-There were no other wielders of the elements between the royal Sisters and the Mane

-A captain of the guard tricked Celestia? really?

-As far as we know, alicorns that aren't the royal sisters age at the same rate as normal ponies

-I'm generally not a fan of heavily involving the Mane Six in OC backgrounds, chances are that future episode will contradict your story

-Celestia allows him to harm her guards and get away

 

My main problem here is, that there really is no reason for him to be an alicorn. Just have him be a unicorn, who was Luna's apprentice in the last years before the banishment, if you're dead set on him having flight, just give him the knowledge of the wing spell Twilight used on Rarity (Maybe moth wings). His royalty could be derived from being a descendent of the Unicorn kings (like Blueblood or Cadence).

Maybe replace his imprisonment with a voluntary exile (didn't fit in/wanted to wait for Luna to return ect.)

Then just downplay his interactions with the Mane Six a bit and get rid of the mopy attitude and you got an Oc that would fit in a lot better n the established universe.

 

I enjoy criticism, so don't worry about that. However, I have some things to say about Dusk.

 

First of all, when I said he was as powerful as Twilight, I meant that he showed more skill in magic than her in his reappearance, but only because of his experience. As I believe that Twilight is destined to be one of the next princesses, and I have Dusk set to be less powerful than both Luna and Celestia, Twilight is supposed to have much more potential than Dusk, who is only but a fragment of Luna (NM), while also Dusk's magic is slighty more powerful than the likes of Cadance and/or Shining Armor (I don't know how powerful they are compared to one another, so I'm assuming they're about equal).

 

Thank you for the comment about "no past-bearers besides the two princesses." I didn't know that there were no others besides them.

 

Think of this captain as sneaky as Chrysalis. He's not a changeling, but was able to hide his negative feelings towards Dusk around everypony very well. When beginning to get Dusk, he talked to Celestia, lyng to her by saying that Dusk had a dangerous accident while using black magic. Celestia would believe this, as I have Dusk also having about two dangerous mistakes throughout his colthood (I forgot to mention this before), and studying black magic at the time of his imprisonment. For the welfare of her subjects, she would agree to seal away Dusk

 

The fourth statement is true. However, I am still unaware of Cadance's true background. They say she's Celestia's niece, but I am unsure if she's a direct relative or adopted. This is a big flaw in my story, I admit, and I was waiting for some clarification before I even begin writing the fanfiction itself. With Dusk, he is directly from NM, and was created by her own magic. She gave up a piece of herself to create Dusk. Therefore, he's kind of in the mix. As in he's not immortal, but he lives for a much longer period than others.

 

I'm not really worried about that fifth statement. I've seen many older fanfictions of shows I watch with the same issue. Also, he's meant to only appear once.

 

The sixth statement is something I already stated before. In my first post, I said that the captain's feelings for Dusk were well hidden, and remained that way even when Dusk was imprisoned. Although I did not directly say this, I meant that Dusk was unaware of any of this, as it was sudden. His friends got a notice earlier on, and never told him. Also, earlier in this post, I said that Celestia agreed to seal Dusk away, thinking he was too dangerous.

 

Finally, I agree with most of your conclusion. Dusk is supposed to be along the lines of Cadance and Prince Blueblood (a relative), however is also more powerful than them. However, to avoid having others frown upon him, I'm going to make him a unicorn. I am not deadset on him flying, and if I ever do, I will take your advice and cast that one spell on himself throughout his story. With the Mane 6, it's meant to show how much Twilight has learned about friendship, as she finds herself, along with the Mane 6, re-teaching the benefits of friendship to Dusk for a short period, as he has a distrust issue after his friends.

 

Please reply, I like your advice and criticism.

 

I gotta say that Dusk just sounds like a rehash of Nyx from Past Sins to me. The fragment of Nightmare Moon, the dark alicorn angle in general... I dunno.

 

I've never heard of him. However, I will change Dusk's background I suppose. I don't really want to make him "an apprentice to Luna" as Silverwisp suggested, though.

Edited November 19, 2012 by Prince Dusk

[Crispy 5,563]

I've never heard of him.

 

Her.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/41596/Past-Sins

 

Give it a read. It's a pretty "controversial" story based on the pure Mary Sue qualities of the main character. People either love or hate it. I love it, myself. Regardless, you'll see the parallels between Nyx and your OC pretty quickly.

[MelancholicMemory 2,025]

I kind of agree that Dusk seems like Nyx from Past Sins, and you are bordering somewhat on making a Mary Sue. You might want to make Dusk more honestly flawed (not in a tragic sort of way) and tone down his power level to make a much more well rounded character.

 

Anyway, here is my grimdark/ action OC, DeadEye, if anyone wants to critique him.

[Dreadmallon 353]

Her.

 

http://www.fimfictio...41596/Past-Sins

 

Give it a read. It's a pretty "controversial" story based on the pure Mary Sue qualities of the main character. People either love or hate it. I love it, myself. Regardless, you'll see the parallels between Nyx and your OC pretty quickly.

 

Aw man, you're right D:

Way too similar with Nyx. I'm going to change Dusk's origin.

 

EDIT: Also going to downgrade him in terms of power by request. Also, I've seen a couple comments saying that Dusk shouldn't have a sad story. Are sad stories cliche, or just unappealing, or what?

Edited November 20, 2012 by Prince Dusk

[MelancholicMemory 2,025]

Also going to downgrade him in terms of power by request. Also, I've seen a couple comments saying that Dusk shouldn't have a sad story. Are sad stories cliche, or just unappealing, or what?

Sad stories aren't bad, sad stories are just difficult to write without going overboard. Your character (s) need to actually suffer, and the reason must be original (not cliche) and reasonable (it has to be believable). When telling a tragedy. one must show true happiness and beauty, and wholehearted destroy it. Having the skill and emotional mindset to write a good sad story takes experience and a great deal of thought. People didn't like Nyx in Past Sins because she bordered on a Sympathy Sue, a character whose suffering was entirely there to make you feel sorry for her. Such poor writing techniques are particularly problematic when a character suffers only to get some kind of amazing powers and live an otherwise awesome life. I'm not saying you are like this, although Dusk did have some of the characteristics which resemble a Sympathy-based Mary Sue. I'm only pointing out that these are the reasons why sad stories are so difficult, and why people didn't like some elements of Dusk's background.

[Leafeon 2,702]

I kind of agree that Dusk seems like Nyx from Past Sins, and you are bordering somewhat on making a Mary Sue. You might want to make Dusk more honestly flawed (not in a tragic sort of way) and tone down his power level to make a much more well rounded character.

 

Anyway, here is my grimdark/ action OC, DeadEye, if anyone wants to critique him.

 

Honestly, not a fan of scars. The scar over the eye is pretty nice though.

 

http://urdeh.deviantart.com/gallery/39975976#/d5l74e5

 

Looking for one without clothes, I actually haven't uploaded any good ones. So... deal with it.

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

Please reply, I like your advice and criticism.

 

Glad to hear it.

My biggest remaining problem is the Captain managing to lie to Celestia and get away with it. It just doesn't seem like something a normal pony could pull off. Maybe change it around a little bit: If he had lost someone to Nightmare Moon and genuinely believed that Dusk was a danger to the realm, then maybe Celestia would listen. Makes it more tragic too (always a good thing in my book).

Also Cadence has demonstrated enough power to hold Sombra in check for, what we must assume to be, several days. If you want to avoid making Dusk look like a Gary Stu, put him somewhere around Trixie's level (above average but not quite as strong as Twilight).

Btw, have you decide on a new look yet?

 

Anyway, here is my grimdark/ action OC, DeadEye, if anyone wants to critique him.

 

Not all that grimdark (luckily). The design is okay, I would probably get rid of the beret and give him a lighter version of the royal guard armor (maybe leather). The crosshairs make no sense though, neither in modern Equestria nor in the past, a hawk's eye or an arrow target would make more sense.

 

maybe something like this?

 

The colourcombination seems a bit uninspired too, maybe make him brown or greyyish (like some of the guards on the show) and give him some grey strains in mane and tail.

 

The backstory mostly fine, Luna being young a 1000 years ago makes no sense though, either set him farther in the past or have him be part of a ceremonial honour guard. Maybe change the Doctor part to something magical (portal, long sleep, curse ect.).

[The Original 571]

Hmm... this seems good, since i'm not very good at making OC's, here's my 5 that i would love criticism on, i don't even care if its harsh.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/quip-r1079

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/arcane-r1421

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/written-word-r1464

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/gareck-doran-r1484

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/scout-r1038

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

Looking for one without clothes, I actually haven't uploaded any good ones. So... deal with it.

 

Actually, it seems you did upload sevral in your gallery....

 

Design is very nice, especially the dress.

-the butterfly brooch is to small for it's level of detail, make it simpler to make it fit in better

-the mane sits a bit too high on the head

Is there a backstory?

 

Hmm... this seems good, since i'm not very good at making OC's, here's my 5 that i would love criticism on, i don't even care if its harsh.

 

Okay then.

Scout: there is no payoff for the tragic backstory, cutiemark breaks canon, no mention of special talent. Needs serious work

Quip: Okay backstory (needs some fleshing out), design a bit dull

Written Word: Like the design, backstory needs explaining (what was causing her depression?)

Arcane: Like the backstory, design is a bit dull, maybe add a hat/cape, change the cutiemark to something not from another franchise (magical circle, allseeing eye....)

 

Also, if you post your OCs here to be examined, please take your time to return the favour (shameless self plug: mine are in the second post).

Edited November 20, 2012 by Silverwisp the Bard

[MelancholicMemory 2,025]

Not all that grimdark (luckily). The design is okay, I would probably get rid of the beret and give him a lighter version of the royal guard armor (maybe leather). The crosshairs make no sense though, neither in modern Equestria nor in the past, a hawk's eye or an arrow target would make more sense. Spoiler The colourcombination seems a bit uninspired too, maybe make him brown or greyyish (like some of the guards on the show) and give him some grey strains in mane and tail. The backstory mostly fine, Luna being young a 1000 years ago makes no sense though, either set him farther in the past or have him be part of a ceremonial honour guard. Maybe change the Doctor part to something magical (portal, long sleep, curse ect.).

I left a lot out, I guess, because its been a long time since I've created him, and I guess I felt like I should tone down his creepier side. The beret is a remnant from when he was a member of the group tasked with guarding Luna, and this was over 1000 years ago. Perhaps I should have been more specific. He was originally grey, but I felt that people would see him as too typical of his kind of character so I changed it. I guess I'll change it back. I used to draw him with a greying mane, and I guess I'll start doing that again. The Doctor thing changes with each story. I know there was a very specific reason why I used such a basic target for his cutie mark, but I can't remember why

 

Thank you for the critique and advice. I'm going to add more detail to his character and bring his appearance back to the way I originally designed him, which is more in line with your advice, so that hopefully he'll be a better overall character

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

The beret is a remnant from when he was a member of the group tasked with guarding Luna, and this was over 1000 years ago.....

 

When it was pretty much the middle ages in Equestria. I doubt there were many Berets around...

 

I know there was a very specific reason why I used such a basic target for his cutie mark, but I can't remember why

 

My point is that, there are no weapons in Equestria utilizing this kind of sights (and certainly not in pre-banishment Equestria).

[The Original 571]

Scout: there is no payoff for the tragic backstory, cutiemark breaks canon, no mention of special talent. Needs serious work

Quip: Okay backstory (needs some fleshing out), design a bit dull

Written Word: Like the design, backstory needs explaining (what was causing her depression?)

Arcane: Like the backstory, design is a bit dull, maybe add a hat/cape, change the cutiemark to something not from another franchise (magical circle, allseeing eye....)

 

Scout was the first one i did, and i don't ever use him anymore. Quip was a quick one, i didn't think him through. Written Word was one i took more time to try and design, her depression wasn't explained very well, but its pretty much the same cause as any other depression. Mostly loneliness and she didn't feel appreciated or loved, i should probably put that in there. Arcane is just a pony version of a long time character i have had. I have yet to change the cutie mark, i was thinking maybe the arcane symbol. Design isn't really supposed to be that great, normally he would wear a robe, but robes look kinda funny on ponies.

[Leafeon 2,702]

Actually, it seems you did upload sevral in your gallery....

 

Design is very nice, especially the dress.

-the butterfly brooch is to small for it's level of detail, make it simpler to make it fit in better

-the mane sits a bit too high on the head

Is there a backstory?

 

Oh, yes. There is more. That's just my current favourite. Mostly cos of shading style or whatever.

 

As far as backstory goes... nope. I honestly judge most OC's completely on looks. Which is bad. I should make a backstory for her now shouldn't I?

[Descant 1,898]

Descant: Nice design, good backstory, but I feel he would benefit from being a bit less self-insertionary. OCs that are

too close to their creators tend to put people off.

 

I tried to revamp and simplify his personality a bit, as well as evaluate his magical skills. Is his new personality better? Less self-insertionary? I definitely tried to keep it vague, as opposed to specific, to allow myself some roleplay wiggle-room. Also, do you think I made his magic overpowered? I'm a little worried I might have overdone it. But if I have, I'm not sure how I would go about nerfing it.

 

(Descant's in my sig!)

Edited November 23, 2012 by Descant

[Dreadmallon 353]

With help from Silverwisp the Bard, I have a new backstory for Dusk.

It is incomplete, but so far I have that he's from the Crystal Empire (Thanks SW) and escaped it before Sombra's curse took full effect. Being interested with learning more about magic and being noticably more powerful than the average unicorn to begin with, he spent about three years studying on his own about the vast ranges of magic, however he noticed he wasn't getting anywhere with his studies. Eventually, he was taken as one of Celestia's personal students after she witnessed his magic (not sure how I'm going to play this situation out), where he would personally excel from her teachings, and would become great friends with her.

After this, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to do. I'm also debating whether or not he should be a villain or an antihero in his return (my main fanfic).

[Descant 1,898]

With help from Silverwisp the Bard, I have a new backstory for Dusk.

It is incomplete, but so far I have that he's from the Crystal Empire (Thanks SW) and escaped it before Sombra's curse took full effect. Being interested with learning more about magic and being noticably more powerful than the average unicorn to begin with, he spent about three years studying on his own about the vast ranges of magic, however he noticed he wasn't getting anywhere with his studies. Eventually, he was taken as one of Celestia's personal students after she witnessed his magic (not sure how I'm going to play this situation out), where he would personally excel from her teachings, and would become great friends with her.

After this, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to do. I'm also debating whether or not he should be a villain or an antihero in his return (my main fanfic).

 

Does all that stuff with the Captain of the Royal Guard still happen? Maybe you can find a way to associate him directly with King Sombre, giving the Captain a reason to fear him. I think he'd be cooler as an antihero. They tend to be more interesting characters overall, some internal conflict going on there. A real classic Zuko.

 

 

I have a third OC now, linked in my sig in green. You guys mind taking a look? I like to hear opinions from other people, and I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with her name. Ideas for a different name would be more than welcomed

Edited November 27, 2012 by Descant

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

With help from Silverwisp the Bard, I have a new backstory for Dusk.....

 

Ah, I've missed our little talks. Like it a lot. If you're still looking for a way to explain his longevity/banishment maybe have Sombra create him out of a corrupted crystal. More drama/reasons for others to mistrust him.

 

I have a third OC now, linked in my sig in green.

 

Love it, love everything about it (especially that part where her whole family didn't die horribly). Would you want a drawing of her?

I'll withhold my opinion on Equestria Didvided

[Descant 1,898]

Love it, love everything about it (especially that part where her whole family didn't die horribly). Would you want a drawing of her?

I'll withhold my opinion on Equestria Didvided

 

I would love a drawing of her, if you wouldn't mind. I'm no artist. The image I have of her is the closest I could get to what I wanted with Zoi's pony creator. If you based your drawing more off of my physical description of her appearance, I would probably be much happier with the result.

 

Why would you expect her family to die horribly?

 

The Equestria Divided is situational, she's supposed to have to have something to fight for, and it only applies for that one RP. It's a war, don'tcha know. I added that section for the OC that shares my name, too, although it has quite a bit less detail, as it's a longer story for him.

Edited November 27, 2012 by Descant

[twilight_sparkle 53]

Alright, I need a cutie mark and a name and background story. I'm either great a percussion (drums) or at taekwondo (karate). Please help me.

[Descant 1,898]

Alright, I need a cutie mark and a name and background story. I'm either great a percussion (drums) or at taekwondo (karate). Please help me.

Oh! I was in Taekwondo for years and years. Did you ever consider using a Sai or a B? Staff for your cutie mark? In my Taekwondo classes, we were taught both. Or, i dunno, that strange yinyang on the South Korean flag?  IMO, music is overused as a pony's special talent, and this is coming from a guy whose ponysona has a bass clef cutie mark.

Edited December 4, 2012 by Descant

[twilight_sparkle 53]

Thats actually a great idea, using a bostaff. In Korean I believe its called a Jong-Bong. But yeah, thats awesome! I'll do that and now a name... that part always gets me.

[Circadian 1,273]

Hey everybody. I like leogal's OC becaues she's got a ton of personality and doesn't look generic. The lack of a pupil creeps me out considerably, but otherwise she's pretty neat.

[Descant 1,898]

You could always just name him Bo staff. Jong Bong sounds kinda funny. Or maybe None Chuck. (If I were you, I'd cross a sai with the b? for the cutie mark, personally, so it doesn't just look like a brown line ). Or Black Belt, or something. Ehh, I got nothin'. Give him a literal black belt, in any case.

 

Oh, I got one. The last of the Five Tenets of Taekwondo (According to Wikipedia, anyway,) is Indomitable Spirit. Huh, huh? If that doesn't work for ya, it never hurts to just research the talent a bit yourself. That's how I found my ponysona's name. 

Edited December 4, 2012 by Descant