Non-Brony HiEs - Making It Sound Natural?

[~Master~ Button Mash 2,307]

What's up, everypony.

 

I'm currently working on my first real pony fanfic (well, first fanfic period, too), and I need a little feedback in how it's progressing, because I think I might've picked something a wee bit complex for a first fanfic, but I really like the plot.

 

It's a HiE-in-dream, but the twist is that the "mane" character is a non-brony. He knows, initially, absolutely nothing about Equestria, but as time goes on he slowly losses himself more and more in these dreams (it's more complicated than that, but I'll run with that explanation for now).

 

The issue is that I'm a little worried about how natural it sounds so far. It's a dream-sequence, so his level of wonder should be moderate-high, more than a brony's, yet less than what his wonder would be if he actually went to Equestria. At the same time he needs to slowly "learn the lingo" of Equestria, such as proper names, how society works, concepts like the cutie mark, etc.

 

I need to find the right timing for him to learn the ways of Equestria. Too drawn-out, and it gets boring. Too quick, and it seems forced.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/73294/a-world-away

 

How's the pace?

 

BTW here's part of the latest chapter that I haven't uplaoded to FIMFiction yet. It should end with him meeting the rest of the Mane 6.

 

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November 23, 1914 - After the relatively abrupt ending to my last dream and the fact that Equestria had not returned to me again until last night, I had begun to fear that my time in that dreamland might have come to an end. Needless to say I was overjoyed when the first feeling of lucidity was a cupcake on my lips. Just as before, my equine friends were none the wiser of the discontinuity.

After finishing the cupcake, Pinkie decided she would follow along as Fluttershy led me around Ponyville.

That is, rather, if Ponyville had not decided to come to us.

When I pushed the door of Sugarcube Corner, I was met outside by a large, curious crowd. Word of my presence had spread fast, and enough ponies were curious that they formed a collective courage strong enough to approach me. Now it was just a matter of somebody (or as they say, “somepony”) saying the first word.

The silence was finally broken when three small ponies, children...fillies, I presume, ecstatically trotted up to me. One was an earth pony, with yellow fur, a billowy red mane and tail, amber eyes, and a large pink bow - as big as the head it was attached to. One was a pegasus, with orange fur, a raggedy, purple mane and tail, and purple eyes. And one was a unicorn, with white fur, a curly pink and purple mane and tail, and emerald eyes. They were visibly filled with excitement at the site the alien creature in front of them.

Each of the fillies tried to speak at the same time, each of their mouths moving a mile a minute. A single word of what they said I did not catch. However, the cacophony of sounds quickly came to an end when three more ponies stepped up from the crowd.

 

[WIP]
 

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So yeah. Basically my question is: What's the best way to handle pacing when it comes to HiE stories where the main character knows nothing about MLP:FiM, Bronies, or Equestria? Or if they come from a completely different time, for that matter?

Edited January 3, 2013 by StratoPegasus

[Gone for good 1,593]

Now, to be honest I'd say that pacing really depends on what kind of story you're trying to tell and who the main character is. I'd try to stretch out the whole introduction to how Equestria works thing just far enough that it's interesting but not far enough that it doesn't make it boring. I know that this is kind of exactly what you already know, but I don't think it matters if the character's from the future, from the past, some criminal, the dictator or North Korea or whatever; of course how long you stretch it out and how you reveal things might vary depending on your character.

 

I read what you have up, and it sounds good so far. For this kind of character I would try to reveal things as they are needed and maybe skip some things entirely since it's a dream (unless it actually isn't a dream).

 

I wouldn't take anything I say too seriously though because I myself am writing my first fic and it kind of is a similar concept. I also don't think the whole diary narrative thing is pulled off near as well, but hey.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Lord Bababa

[CloudFyre 848]

As a warning: lots of people do "soldier-lost-in-Equestria" fics. Perhaps one of the best things you could do is write your own fic ideas NOW (before you're mind is innundated with outside information), and then read up on some other fics like yours - you can find them virtually anywhere you look.

You'll inevitably find something that clicks with you, so take the ideas you like...and do them differently.

I started skimming your text and you've done a great job so far. The chapters are a bit short, but you can pass those off as they're technically "journal entries". The hard part will be trying to implement dialogue later - just be aware of that. Don't change things up on your readers unless you have a very clever way to do so.


I'd say the greatest draw to a character is their flaws, and even further than that, how they overcome them. In this case, I would suggest expanding upon your character's belief that he is in a dream. Not the dream idea itself (as the "human-thinks-it's-a-dream" idea is played out a lot), but in his own personal characteristics.

He just witnessed war in all of it's brutality. You could easily make him the type of person who has little faith in concepts such as "hope" or "happiness". Make him angry at pony's "naive thoughts" of "peace". Etc. 

Anyhow, those are just some basic ideas, but I hope they help!

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,695]

I think you're off to a great start so far. The writing is very good, fluid and interesting. The writing style is a smidge too formal for a soldier, even a British one, so you might want to make it simpler and less flowery. I especially love the second chapter where he describes the wonders of Equestria.

 

You seem very curious about pacing, so I will give you as much help in that area as I can. Basically, you're doing well there. Things are moving along, but not flying by, which is exactly what you want. THIS would be an example of poor pacing:

 

I dreamed again that night. Indeed this was a strange world. I walked up to the pink pony.

"Hi!" she shouted. "I'm Pinkie! I throw parties!" My last party was the one my family threw for me before the war. I shook her hoof.

A green lizard jumped out and swallowed my hand.

His eyes became those of a dead soldier lying in front of me. I was back.

 

You can guess what the problem is with this style: everything is rushed. The reader has no time to settle in before the dream ends. Now let's go to the other end of things.

 

It was not at all a long period of time, perhaps two nights, as well as time could be measured in the hopeless hell I scrambled through day after day, before I once again found myself in the most curious situation, one of descending perforce into a strange dream world with no prospect--or desire--to escape until the time it should choose to release me. My condition was not unlike that of a helpless rider atop the back of a runaway horse, galloping off into the unknown with fresh-shod hooves upon a land that I could not bring myself to believe was part of reality, except perhaps I was the true runaway, a refugee from this soulless war that scarred the land and claimed the lives of men such as I even while I resided in the embrace of slumber.

Indeed this was the same feeling that continued stubbornly to reside deep in my heart as I cautiously, reluctantly but with appropriate courage, found myself approaching one of the equine creatures with a countenance of billowing pink lighter and more pure than the finest silks imported from the most decadent palaces in the far reaches of Asia.........

"Boooooring!" she shouted.

 

You can see what the problem is there as well. I took those first three sentences that were too short and clipped to convey an effective message, and turned them into a dreary and cumbersome paragraph with run-on sentences that will test the reader's patience and cause him to lose interest.

 

This is when pacing becomes a major concern. But for now, you are doing neither of these; you're safely in between.   The story flows quite naturally. What you could improve is not the speed, but the amount of detail and description in your writing. Who exactly is your main character? What was his family like? What did he do before the army? Things like this will make us feel closer to the soldier without slowing things down too much.

Edited January 3, 2013 by TailsAlone

[~Master~ Button Mash 2,307]

I think you're off to a great start so far. The writing is very good, fluid and interesting. The writing style is a smidge too formal for a soldier, even a British one, so you might want to make it simpler and less flowery. I especially love the second chapter where he describes the wonders of Equestria.

 

You seem very curious about pacing, so I will give you as much help in that area as I can. Basically, you're doing well there. Things are moving along, but not flying by, which is exactly what you want. THIS would be an example of poor pacing:

 

I dreamed again that night. Indeed this was a strange world. I walked up to the pink pony.

"Hi!" she shouted. "I'm Pinkie! I throw parties!" My last party was the one my family threw for me before the war. I shook her hoof.

A green lizard jumped out and swallowed my hand.

His eyes became those of a dead soldier lying in front of me. I was back.

 

You can guess what the problem is with this style: everything is rushed. The reader has no time to settle in before the dream ends. Now let's go to the other end of things.

 

Once again I found myself in the most curious situation, one of descending into a strange dream world with no prospect--or desire--to escape until the time it should choose to release me. My condition was not unlike that of a helpless rider atop the back of a runaway horse, galloping off into the unknown with fresh-shod hooves upon a land that I could not bring myself to believe was part of reality.

Indeed this was the same feeling that continued stubbornly to reside deep in my heart as I cautiously, reluctantly but with appropriate courage, found myself approaching one of the equine creatures with a countenance of billowing pink lighter and more pure than the finest silks imported from the most decadent palaces in the far reaches of Asia.........

"Boooooring!" she shouted.

 

You can see what the problem is there as well. I turned three sentences that were too short and clipped to convey an effective message, into a dreary and cumbersome paragraph with run-on sentences that will test the reader's patience and cause him to lose interest.

 

This is when pacing becomes a major concern. But for now, you are doing neither of these; you're safely in between.   The story flows quite naturally. What you could improve is not the speed, but the amount of detail and description in your writing. Who exactly is your main character? What was his family like? What did he do before the army? Things like this will make us feel closer to the soldier without slowing things down too much.

Thanks, that's reassuring. I see what you mean. And I'll try and work on the writing style.

 

I'm actually not sure how to add to character description. In a way I'd like to keep him enigmatic...anonymous (these are found journals), but at the same time I need to find a way to pull that off without it feeling forced.

 

 

As a warning: lots of people do "soldier-lost-in-Equestria" fics. Perhaps one of the best things you could do is write your own fic ideas NOW (before you're mind is innundated with outside information), and then read up on some other fics like yours - you can find them virtually anywhere you look.

 

You'll inevitably find something that clicks with you, so take the ideas you like...and do them differently.

 

I started skimming your text and you've done a great job so far. The chapters are a bit short, but you can pass those off as they're technically "journal entries". The hard part will be trying to implement dialogue later - just be aware of that. Don't change things up on your readers unless you have a very clever way to do so.

 

 

I'd say the greatest draw to a character is their flaws, and even further than that, how they overcome them. In this case, I would suggest expanding upon your character's belief that he is in a dream. Not the dream idea itself (as the "human-thinks-it's-a-dream" idea is played out a lot), but in his own personal characteristics.

 

He just witnessed war in all of it's brutality. You could easily make him the type of person who has little faith in concepts such as "hope" or "happiness". Make him angry at pony's "naive thoughts" of "peace". Etc. 

 

Anyhow, those are just some basic ideas, but I hope they help!

Been done already? Damn. Oh well, I guess with a fandom with as many fanfics as ours, eventually the list of things that haven't "been done" will dwindle. That's life. Still gonna keep writing it, though.

 

And yeah, the chapters are purposely short. That's part of the journal-feel.

 

As for dialogue...that's the crux. These are supposed to be along the "found journals" style. No name, just these pages, I'm limited to just what the journals say. In a way that makes dialogue a non-issue, yet at the same time it makes character definition much more difficult.

 

As for his flaws...he's complex. He's not supposed to be disillusioned with concepts like peace and happiness (yet, at least). Rather I guess you could say he's somewhere in the middle. He's battle-hardened to the point where death no longer disturbs him (with the exception of a few, later on), yet not to the point where he is cursing the world. He recognizes the hell he is in now, but still dreams of returning to a peaceful life someday. He knows humans are capable of doing horrible things, he's in the middle of living it at the time of writing, yet he finds solace in the hopes for a better tomorrow.

 

If anything, the ponies are an inspiration to him. He sees in them the best qualities that humans posses...what we can be if we put our minds to it. There will be more parallels to humanity in later entries. (After I introduce the Mane 6, I plan on making one, long cumulative journal entry sometime in the story's mid-December, a montage of sorts tying a month in Equestria and the lessons learned, existential musing, and events in the war together. Parallels will become a major factor then).

 

In time, I plan on the main character regaining his humanity, a true sense of caring and palpable (rather than just idealistic) hope for the future.

 

 

Which will come into play during the Christmas Truce, as well as a few other times.

 

Edited January 3, 2013 by StratoPegasus