The Graveside

[CamRad18 337]

Here's the "fleshed out" version of the poem I posted a few days ago, which can be found here.

 

As always, comment, brohoof, and criticize.

 

 

Five stood ‘round one graveside

Tears in their eyes

“Kindness may pass

but never truly dies”

 

Four sat ‘round one graveside

Near another old plot

“Keep Ponyville laughing

That’s what she would want”

 

Three knelt ‘round one graveside

Their sextet now halved

“Death took the one thing

She’d have taken back”

 

Two lay ‘round one graveside

Near four aging stones

“A hard truth to swallow;

she found her way home”

 

One cried at the graveside

of five dear old friends

“such morbid irony

by life’s cruel pen”

 

Naught stirred at the graveside

save life incarnate

words left unspoken

dripped upon granite

Edited May 16, 2013 by CamRad18

[Doctor-Whooves 288]

Very well done. The format is quite common, with the four-sentence paragraph, with one line rhyming with another one. If I must suggest, try a few different formats and you'll get much better.

[CamRad18 337]

Very well done. The format is quite common, with the four-sentence paragraph, with one line rhyming with another one. If I must suggest, try a few different formats and you'll get much better.

What do you mean "get much better"? How would a different structure and rhyme scheme contribute to the poem?

 

This was NOT meant to sound mean/accusatory. I'm genuinely curious as to what you would suggest.

[Doctor-Whooves 288]

What do you mean "get much better"? How would a different structure and rhyme scheme contribute to the poem?

 

This was NOT meant to sound mean/accusatory. I'm genuinely curious as to what you would suggest.

I'm a fan of Free Verse poems, that don't really have any kind of pre-set rules or structure. Maybe I'm an abstract person, I don't know.

[CamRad18 337]

I'm a fan of Free Verse poems, that don't really have any kind of pre-set rules or structure. Maybe I'm an abstract person, I don't know.

Jolly good on you, but that doesn't answer the question. Here's the reasons I chose this structure:

 

Reason #1: Separating the deaths creates continuity. Each death wears the characters down a little more. Free verse would create a jumbled mess, with no sense of time. Free verse would also render each death meaningless, as another one would take it's place in mere seconds

 

Reason #2: Funerals are orderly, processional events. I wanted the structure of this poem to reflect that. 

 

Reason #3: Each stanza serves as an epitaph for the character mentioned.  They are each a separate entity, similar to the phrases written on a gravestone.

 

So, why do you think free verse would contribute to this poem. (again, genuine curiosity. I'm not trying to be mean.)

[Doctor-Whooves 288]

Forgive me for not being more clear. I was saying that it would be a good idea to experiment with other forms of poems in future works, not this specific poem. This one is very good the way it is.

[CamRad18 337]

Forgive me for not being more clear. I was saying that it would be a good idea to experiment with other forms of poems in future works, not this specific poem. This one is very good the way it is.

In that case, I'm sorry for needlessly assaulting you with my reasoning behind this poem. I most certainly plan to do free verse in the future.