The Joke Thread

[Ryzu 984]

So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

and then the horse replies "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

[lomk 20,663]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. 

One was a salted

 

Two guys walk into a bar

The third ducks

 

Pay your exorcist or you'll be repossessed.

 

I'm a sucker for puns

[marigo 37]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. 

One was a salted

 

Two guys walk into a bar

The third ducks

 

Pay your exorcist or you'll be repossessed.

 

I'm a sucker for puns

 

^click for animation

 

So two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

 

(Bah doom tssh)

Edited February 9, 2015 by marigo

[_Kurtis 636]

Hey... WATER you doing?

 

Please come with me, if you don't, I'll be OWL alone!

 

I've had a long day... I don't wanna TACO 'bout it.

 

I guess you can say... The Hunger Games characters are just DYING to win!

 

What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? "You are DINO-mite!"

 

Wanna hear a cat pun? Too bad, I was just KITTEN.

 

Bananas are so unappealing.

 

Aren't puns PAW-some?

 

Edited February 15, 2015 by ~SillyShy~

[cuteycindyhoney 13,284]

A piece of string walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

 

"I don't serve string." The bartender shouted.

 

The piece of string left. He ducked into the alley tied himself in a bow, and unraveled his ends.

 

He went back to the bar and ordered another drink.

 

"Hey, aren't you that piece of string I threw out a little while ago?"

 

"I'm a frayed knot."

[lomk 20,663]

Some of my favorite all-time jokes were actually in The Far Side. If you've never heard of it, I sincerely suggest it. Gary Larson is a genius. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 9, 2015 by Space Woona

[marigo 37]

Hey... WATER you doing?

 

Please come with me, if you don't, I'll be OWL alone!

 

I've had a long day... I don't wanna TACO 'bout it.

 

I guess you can say... The Hunger Games characters are just DYING to win!

 

What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? "You are DINO-mite!"

 

Wanna hear a cat pun? Too bad, I was just KITTEN.

 

Bananas are so unappealing.

 

Aren't puns PAW-some?

 

 

I guess we can just say that you're a punny member get it? (bunny member)

Edited February 9, 2015 by marigo

[Troblems 5,609]

@@Razpul, Merged your thread with an older joke thread.

 

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car...

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am," Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

[mars 4,861]

What is the tallest buildings in a city?
Libraries. They have the most stories!

[MozillaToast 233]

Science Joke incomming;

Two atoms are in a bar, the one atom says to the other, "Buddy, I think I lost an electron," The other replies with "Are you certain?" And then the first responds with, "Yeah, I'm positive,"

How'd the first scientists respond when they mixed Oxygen with magnesium? Omg.

----------------------------------------------

Don't take offence. Take a chair.

Edited February 9, 2015 by The Real Gengar

[Simon 4,554]

This thread is more appropriate for lounge discussion than a forum game since there's no actual game involved, so it has been moved there.

[Rethajni 2,023]

okay now i know a few

 

mommy mommy there's a ugly guy that told me that if i kiss his filthy mouth he gives me *shows watch* this watch!

[I used to be a stranger 7,989]

A little Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He walked up to the counter, ordered three pints of Guinness, sat down in a corner booth, and proceeded to drink them, taking sips from each until they all were finished at the same time.He pushed the glasses together, paid, and went on his way.

 

The next sunday, the same little Irishman did likewise again, the exact same way. Three pints, corner booth, drank them all equally, and left, without saying a word to anyone. Over the months, and the years, the little Irishman became a bit of a landmark in the pub. Every sunday you could be sure the little man with three pints could be found in the corner. Eventually the Barkeep got curious and asked, as he served the pints one sunday.

 

"What's your story? Why do you always order three pints and sit by yourself all the way in the corner?"

 

"Me brothers." said the little man. "A while back, me two brothers and I lived together on a farm. We'd always have our pint together in the village. But now one's moved to Canada, one moved to Australia, and I came out here to the city. We keep each other in heart by keepin' our pints on Sunday. One for each of us, wherever we are."

 

"That's a fine tradition." replied the Barkeep. "Mighty. Raise a glass to brothers."

 

"Cheers." said the little man. And he went to his corner.

 

One day, the little man came in with a strange look in his eye.

 

"Welcome back." said the Barkeep. "The usual?"

 

"Two pints Guiness." replied the little man. Those around the bar suddenly went quiet. Murmurs started, as the little man went to his booth. "Something must've happened. I wonder what became of his brothers?" the patrons speculated.

 

The next week, it was the same again. Two pints. The Barkeep worked up the nerve and asked,

 

"I'm sorry to ask, you don't have to say. But what happened with your brothers?"

 

"What'ya mean?" replied the little man.

 

"Well, normally you get three pints, one for each of your brothers. Did something happen to one of them?" asked the Barkeep.

 

"Oh sure. Happened to me!" quipped the little man cheerfully. "I started going to the Baptist Church, so I had to give up drinkin'."

[Venomous 18,817]

I know a lot of jokes about unemplyment... But none of them work.

[I used to be a stranger 7,989]

A piece of string walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

 

"I don't serve string." The bartender shouted.

 

The piece of string left. He ducked into the alley tied himself in a bow, and unraveled his ends.

 

He went back to the bar and ordered another drink.

 

"Hey, aren't you that piece of string I threw out a little while ago?"

 

"I'm a frayed knot."

 

You stole that off of Team Fortress 2, didn't you?

[cuteycindyhoney 13,284]

You stole that off of Team Fortress 2, didn't you?

I have no idea what Team Fortress 2 is, other than it's the name of a video game. I am not a gamer. My dad told me this joke when I was little.