Minister KelGrym's Religious Services

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Welcome, one and all, to Minister KelGrym's Religious Services Thread!

 

Hail Celestia!

 

 

 

Now as you all may or may not know, I happen to be an ordained minister and I think it's about time I began my ministry.

 

List of Services :

 

1. Pardons for sins
2. Online Wedding Rehearsals via Skype (pm me)
3. Permanent Wedding to your pony waifu *new  (on skype, weddings irreversible.)
4. Blessings
5. Talismans
6. Spiritual Guidence

 

If any of you, have any spiritual problems, let me know, and I will help you sort them out the best I can, in the name of Her Holiness, Celestia.

 

Confessions? I can do those. I am also under the highest of authorities to pardon your sins as well.

 

Unfortunately, I will not be able to do baptisms, or weddings, as I am limited by my location, and state laws vary, so even if I could drive to where you are, I still might not be able to perform a wedding ceremony for you.

 

I won't do baptisms, because I just don't like babies.

 

However, I will perform wedding rehearsals via skype chat if you request it.

 

Also, I will perform blessings for you upon request, and will design talismans for your use that I'll post in this thread. (but don't flood or rush me for these)

 

If you wish to convert to the The Cult of Celestia™, you must make the Celestian Oath. and do the ritual:

 

The Oath of the Celestian:

Unto thee our beloved Celestia,

Great Goddess of the Sun,

Whom inspire me with noble idea

Before thee, I have none.

To the end of days I will serve thee,

To bring your Great Age of Harmony.

 

Guidelines for Membership:

• Place your right hand over your heart and with your left hand, ball it into a fist, extend your index finger and hold index finger over your head as if it were a unicorn horn.
• Repeat the Celestian Oath.
• Uphold the Celestian Commandments.
• Help your Celestian brothers and sisters and the brony community in general.
• Love and Tolerate the infedels non-believers.

The Celestial Commandments

• Thou shalt have no other Goddess before the Trinity. (Celestia, Luna, Twilight)
• Thou may have Luna and Twlight to worship, but thou shalt worship mostly Celestia.
• Cadence shall not be worshipped at all. Screw Cadence.
• Thou shalt be Honest
• Thou shalt be Loyal to thy brethren and friends. (but not above thy loyalty to Celestia)
• Thou shalt be Kind
• Thou shalt be Generous
• Thou shalt be Optimistic in Life, for Celestia is coming quickly and shall end all woe.
• Thou shalt freely enjoy the Magic of Friendship, and share that joy in the name of Celestia.
• Thou shalt never waste a slice of cake.

 

After you have completed the oath and ritual just post, "Hail Celestia, Best Pony Princess/Queen/Empress/Goddess Ever!" and I'll add your name to the roster.

 

I'll take your word on doing the ritual.

 

Services are open to both members and non-members of the cult.

 

Cult Roster as of Sept 27th 2014

 

Important Update!!!

 

I will also be doing online Skype marriages to your pony waifu.

 

However, this is a first come first serve basis.

 

PM me to set up a skype appointment.

 

Update, July 17th, 2014

 

I had a rule never to do the same pony twice in weddings, but there are people that have tulpas of characters that they want to wed, and since the tulpa of a canon character is not the same as the canon character or the same as another tulpa based on that canon character I have changed my position on this.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Minister KelGrym

[AlicornAcolyte 254]

Hail Celestia, Best Pony (Princess)?/Queen/Empress/Goddess Ever!

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

This is wonderful. We've had our first Skype wedding.

 

EquisOmnisVincunt x Twilight Sparkle (canon twilight, not a user)

 

Below is the transcript from Skype.

 

Skype Marriage Transcript

 

[5:06:40 AM] Kel Grym: Witnesses are already accounted for. Let the marriage ceremony begin.

[5:08:18 AM] Kel Grym: We are gathered here today to celebrate the Holy Matrimony of EquiOmnisVincunt and Twilight Sparkle.

[5:08:42 AM] Kel Grym: Is the groom present?

[5:09:52 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Yeah, sure.

[5:09:58 AM] Kel Grym: Excellent.

[5:10:04 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Where's the dowry?

[5:10:13 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: I want my money.

[5:10:26 AM] Kel Grym: You have to handle that affair with the bride's family.

[5:10:37 AM] Kel Grym: Speaking of which, where is the bride?

[5:11:19 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Being held hostage until I get my money.

[5:11:45 AM] Kel Grym: -_- ...this marriage ceremony has gotten a lot more complicated.

[5:12:25 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Just get this over with. I'll give you 20%

[5:12:34 AM] Kel Grym: Okay, done deal.

[5:13:02 AM] Kel Grym: Do you EquiOmnisVincunt, take Twilight Sparkle as your lawfully bewedded wife?

[5:13:56 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Sure, I guess *Winks at Applejack*

[5:14:42 AM] Kel Grym: Excellent. And do you, Twilight Sparkle, take EquiOmnisVincunt, as your lawfully bewedded husband?

[5:15:20 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: *muffled groans through duct tape*

[5:16:13 AM] Kel Grym: I'll take that as a yes. Then I pronounce you in the name of Celestia, Most Gracefull and Holy, man and wife.

[5:16:18 AM] Kel Grym: You may kiss the bride.

[5:17:22 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Maybe later?

[5:18:22 AM] Kel Grym: No. You must kiss her now. Or else the marriage is null and void.

[5:19:21 AM] EquiOmnisVincunt: *blows kiss* 30%?

 

[5:19:57 AM] Kel Grym: -_- Fine whatever...your man and wife. Congratulations.

 

There. It's Official. Twilight Sparkle is now taken. By all means, Lord it over everyone Omnis.

[Serbon div 386]

Oh my God... This is BLASPHEMY! Luna is the only true QUEEN OF EQUESTRIA! THOU SHALT BE JUDGED ACCORDING TO THE DUSHAN'S CODE!

 

10. On heretics

If a heretic is found, living amongst the faithful, may his face be burnt, and who hides him is to be burned as well.

[ghostfacekiller39 23,860]

If you can marry me and Rarity, I'll be much obliged

 

Perhaps, since it's a Skype thing, I can reserve her until I get home today? Using SkypI from mobile is really hard.

[I used to be a stranger 7,993]

This post has been redacted by the author.

Edited May 6, 2021 by Blue

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Oh my God... This is BLASPHEMY! Luna is the only true QUEEN OF EQUESTRIA! THOU SHALT BE JUDGED ACCORDING TO THE DUSHAN'S CODE!

 

10. On heretics

If a heretic is found, living amongst the faithful, may his face be burnt, and who hides him is to be burned as well.

 

Blasphemy? That's my line.

 

Stay right there. I need to find my guillotine.

 

If you can marry me and Rarity, I'll be much obliged

 

Perhaps, since it's a Skype thing, I can reserve her until I get home today? Using SkypI from mobile is really hard.

 

Sure, no problem.

 

Why does your religion have no compendium of histories?

 

I do not understand the question. Perhaps if you restate it in a form of praise to Celestia?

[I used to be a stranger 7,993]

I do not understand the question. Perhaps if you restate it in a form of praise to Celestia?

Lauren Faust's Pitch Bible, a theology does not make. Nor does a single small list.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Blue

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Lauren Faust's Pitch Bible, a theology does not make. Nor does a single small list.

 

 

Please, go on and tell me more about how my religion makes no sense. Surely, after you go through a step by step process invalidating my beliefs, I will see things your way, and realize my folly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

2nd pony waifu marriage!

 

You knew it was going to happen sooner or later. We've had our second pony waifu wedding.

 

Ghostfacekiller39 x Fluttershy!

 

...

 

...

 

...I kid.

 

Ghostfacekiller39 x Rarity!

 

 

Skype Marriage Transcript

 

[3:46:57 PM] Kel Grym: SILENCE!

[3:47:08 PM] Kel Grym: The next wedding shall begin.

[3:47:16 PM] Kel Grym: places everyone.

[3:47:31 PM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Yay.

[3:47:37 PM] Kel Grym: *plays wedding music*

[3:48:30 PM] Kel Grym: We are gathered here today, to celebrate the holy matrimony of Ghostfacekiller39 and Rarity.

[3:48:34 PM] ghostfacekiller39: hi

[3:48:43 PM] EquiOmnisVincunt: Yay

[3:48:44 PM] Kel Grym: ah, the groom is here. good.

[3:48:48 PM] Jump Cut: hmm what?

[3:49:06 PM] Jump Cut: oh gezz *runs into place*

[3:49:19 PM] Kel Grym: *eye twitches*

[3:49:34 PM] Kel Grym: Ahem...is the bride present?

[3:50:23 PM] Rarity Belle: Yes I am!

[3:50:42 PM] Kel Grym: Wonderful.

[3:51:56 PM] Kel Grym: Do you, Ghostfacekiller39, take Rarity Belle, as your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and health, for better or worse, even if mlp:fim gets cancelled before season 5 comes out?

[3:52:09 PM] ghostfacekiller39: I do (heart)

[3:52:19 PM] Kel Grym: Great!

[3:53:24 PM] Kel Grym: And do you, Miss Rarity Belle, take Ghostfacekiller39 as your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and health, for better or worse, despite him having a really gangsta username?

[3:53:54 PM] EquiOmnisVincunt: The service needs to be in Latin.

[3:54:19 PM] Kel Grym: silentium!

[3:54:23 PM] Rarity Belle: I do! (heart)

[3:55:09 PM] Kel Grym: Good...now does anyone object?

[3:55:34 PM] Jorguil Ferris: "no I see no reason"

[3:55:34 PM] EquiOmnisVincunt: ...

[3:55:48 PM] Zizkil M.: I object!

[3:55:57 PM] Kel Grym: *le gasp*

[3:55:58 PM] Jump Cut: *thinks* what if spike runs in and objects?

[3:56:01 PM] EquiOmnisVincunt:

[3:56:08 PM] Jump Cut: *gasp*

[3:56:29 PM] ghostfacekiller39: I don't know if these objections are serious or

[3:56:42 PM] Kel Grym: Why do you object Zikil?

[3:56:58 PM] Zizkil M.: I was just checking if it worked, carry on

[3:57:05 PM] ghostfacekiller39: dammit, man

[3:57:07 PM] Jorguil Ferris: (thoughts to self) "What if Rarity objects because she is still getting ready lol."

[3:57:20 PM] Kel Grym: -_- ....

[3:57:28 PM] Zizkil M.: XD

[3:57:32 PM] Jump Cut: *sigh*

[3:57:38 PM] EquiOmnisVincunt: ;(

[3:58:12 PM] Kel Grym: Then by the powers invested in me by the Universal Life Church, and by the authority of Her Most Holyness, Celestia, I pronounce thee Man and Wife. You may kiss the bride.

[3:58:26 PM]  ghostfacekiller39 and Rarity kiss.

[3:58:28 PM] Jump Cut: (thinks) "Did I leave the stove on?"

[3:58:35 PM] Zizkil M.: *Clap clap clap*

[3:58:44 PM] EquiOmnisVincunt: (beer)

[3:58:50 PM] Jump Cut: *claps loudly*

[3:59:04 PM] Zizkil M.: *claps louder*

[3:59:08 PM] Kel Grym: Congradulations. Your pony waifu is now your pony wife. Rub it in everyone's face.

[3:59:20 PM] ghostfacekiller39: No problem (heart)

 

Congrats, Ghostie! Your dream come true. Happy Honeymoon!

Edited May 20, 2014 by Minister KelGrym

[Discordian 6,015]

And this is the part where I destroy Ghostie and take Rarity for myself like the debonair anti-hero that I am.

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Oh my God... This is BLASPHEMY! Luna is the only true QUEEN OF EQUESTRIA! THOU SHALT BE JUDGED ACCORDING TO THE DUSHAN'S CODE!

 

10. On heretics

If a heretic is found, living amongst the faithful, may his face be burnt, and who hides him is to be burned as well.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I should make a roster for heretics. I think I'll put your name at the top of the list.

[I used to be a stranger 7,993]

 

Don't tell me what to do, sensuous banana.

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Don't tell me what to do, sensuous banana.

 

The banana compels you.

[Virgil 685]

 

 

Now as you all may or may not know, I happen to be an ordained minister

Wait... how do you become an ordained minister of Celestia? ( who's will must not be questioned or you shall be sent to the moon... or turned to stone if she feels like redecorating. )

[Dattebayo 2,850]

Cleanse me of my sins, o' Toasted One!

I am interviewing anti-bronies and am absorbing their blasphemy and black anger through my mouth like the guy from Green Mile (not the one who pissed himself. Wait. Yes.)!

 

Hail Celestia, Best Pony Princess/Queen/Empress/Goddess Ever!

If I may ever take a different God, May Celestia herself clop me with a hoof-full of Sunfire!

Edited May 21, 2014 by Dattebayo

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Wait... how do you become an ordained minister of Celestia? ( who's will must not be questioned or you shall be sent to the moon... or turned to stone if she feels like redecorating. )

 

You know, I'm glad you asked that.

 

I got so caught up in spreading the glory of Celestia, that I never even shared my testimonial. Silly me.

 

It was back when I first moved in with my Aunt. I was feeling pretty down and I had to walk back and forth between home and work, because I didn't have a car back then. (I have one now, but it broke down, so I still have to walk.)

 

I suppose it was around 3 am, as I was walking on the road, in the dead of night. I got this creepy sensation that I was being followed and started to walk a bit faster. As I did so, I was alarmed by the sudden sound of claws clicking on the pavement behind me.

 

I turned around and beheld something horrible. A rabid dog that had a peculiar tumor growing out of the side of its head. The thing must have stood at least 4 1/2 ft tall to the shoulder and appeared to be some mix breed between Rottweiler and Pegomastax. It frothed at the mouth and stunk like milk that had been left in the fridge back when "rock n roll" was just a fun game Maud would have liked.

 

Despite all this, I couldn't help but be drawn to its tumor.

 

 

Its growth had a startling resemblance to Gary Busey.

 

Now, at this point and time, I should have had the sense to run, but I was tired and not thinking clearly, so I walked up to the dog's tumor to ask for an autograph. (It really was an uncanny resemblance) However, I came to regret this enormous lapse in judgement. When the mongrel snapped at me, I realized that this was how it must have drew in his prey. Not unlike an angler fish, it set out the bait and I suckered right into it. The spell of surreality was lifted from me, and with a burst of adrenaline, I ran.

 

And then I tripped. (Leg cramped.)

 

The rabid dog with the fetching growth pounced upon me and I held it at bay the best I could. I took out a pen I had on me to get his tumor's autograph and jabbed it into the creature's eye, which promptly bled asparagus for some reason.

 

The creature was unfazed and began to torment me by quoting Ayn Rand.

 

 

Just as I thought I was doomed, something unbelievable happened.

 

The sun began to rise.

 

I would have been concerned about the astronomical consequences of such a phenomena, however at the time I was in the middle of shitting myself.

 

Not because of the demon dog above me that was busy trying to tear my throat out.

 

But because SHE descended from the heavens.

 

 

When I saw her,

I wept.

 

(also completely forgot that I soiled myself)

 

The air cleared the dust from beneath her hooves, and with each step I swore I could hear the earth moan in ecstasy, as she approached the foul demon. Her beauty was incomprehensible, and I could not help but feel as if I was too dirty a thing to look upon her. The warmth I felt from her presence filled my mind with forgotten sunny days of a bygone era before roads of men cut through the forests and when dryads sang by the river banks to drunken Buddhist aliens that used to come to Earth, before the industrial revolution killed the tourist vibe.

 

I didn't know what to make of any of it. It was too amazing. Too fantastical. But it was happening.

 

That foul demon cowered before her and attempted to flee, but to no avail. It was lifted up with her magic as easily as one might pull the plug from their great grandmother's life support when she needs that extra push, and the creature was promptly turned into a banana.

 

I was too stunned to say anything. She approached and I turned away, curling into a fetal position, praying that she might have mercy on my unworthy soul.

 

Then I heard her speak.

 

"Rise, Kel Grym, you have nothing to fear," she said.

 

"I-I cannot," I replied back.

 

"Oh? Why not?" she asked.

 

And then I said, "I think I shit my britches."

 

There was an awkward pause.

 

Finally she said, "Ew..."

 

Even the way she crinkled up her nose was a glorious act, full of enough beauty to fill an entire library of poetry.

 

"Well, I suppose I should make this quick then. I've chosen you to spread my glory amongst the people of your world. You'll begin a ministry in my name, and I shall reward you in the afterlife with 37 pony virgins."

 

I was foolish and asked, "Only 37? Why not 72?"

 

She reproached me with a glower that blistered my soul and said, "Don't get greedy."

 

I groveled my apologies.

 

"Ok, ok that's enough, I have to get going. There's a diplomatic meeting on Cybertron I can't be late too. Spread word of my glory, for I shall be coming soon to rid the world of evil and other not-so-very-nice things. Ta-Ta!"

 

And as suddenly as she came, she left.

 

Around this point and time I woke up in my bed.

 

It had appeared, that everything that transpired was a dream, and I was greatly disappointed at first. What a vivid dream it was! And it wasn't real? I felt sad, and alone. The glory of the dream only accentuated the empty existential crisis of my life. I lost my will to go on...

 

But then I noticed something!

 

There was a banana on my chest! And not just any banana, but the very same banana that the demon dog was transformed into! How do I know this? Simple. The brown spots on the banana formed an image of Gary Busey.

 

It was a miracle! Not a dream, but a vision! I knew what my purpose in life was, and quickly made my plans to register as a minister with the ULC, to further the glory of Celestia.

 

I kept the banana in a lockbox as a memento, to remind me that I'm not crazy Celestia will always be there watching over me. Unfortunately, I didn't have a camera at the time, so I couldn't take a photo of said banana, and by now it's been rotting in the lock box for a few months. I have to perfume it and light incense around it to keep the smell in check.

 

And that, my dear friend, is how I became an Ordained Minister of Celestia.

 

Cleanse me of my sins, o' Toasted One!

I am interviewing anti-bronies and am absorbing their blasphemy and black anger through my mouth like the guy from Green Mile (not the one who pissed himself. Wait. Yes.)!

 

Hail Celestia, Best Pony Princess/Queen/Empress/Goddess Ever!

If I may ever take a different God, May Celestia herself clop me with a hoof-full of Sunfire!

 

 

Praise Celestia! Another soul has joined our ranks!

 

Welcome to The Cult of Celestia™, Dattebayo! Celestia shall reward you for your faith, rest assured.

 

I now place my metaphorical internet hands upon ye and declare in the name of Celestia, Most Majestic, to you be CLEANSED of these wretched negative influences! Haishamalabracadabroccoli!

 

Be banished, foul haterade! To the MOON!

 

Rise and and be made whole in the name of Celestia, brother Dattebayo.

 

Your name shall be added to the roster.

Hail Celestia, Best Pony (Princess)?/Queen/Empress/Goddess Ever!

 

Oh, thank you for joining too, Omnis, I nearly forgot to give you a proper introduction, with the wedding and all.

Edited May 21, 2014 by Minister KelGrym

[Serbon div 386]

 

 

Stay right there. I need to find my guillotine.

 

 

I'm thinking that maybe I should make a roster for heretics. I think I'll put your name at the top of the list.

Listen up heretic scoundrel, I'll make sure to get you publicly executed on a stake after the tyrannical government of Celestia is taken down, just like Tsepes did to all who opposed him. Guillotines are overrated.

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Listen up heretic scoundrel, I'll make sure to get you publicly executed on a stake after the tyrannical government of Celestia is taken down, just like Tsepes did to all who opposed him. Guillotines are overrated.

 

That's just mean. Guillotines have feelings, too.

[Serbon div 386]

That's just mean. Guillotines have feelings, too.

Nobody uses them anymore, while we use stakes for pigs all the time!

 

Do I need to quote the Dushan's Code again?? This institution of yours shall be burned to the ground as soon as the revolution is successful.

[Virgil 685]

"Well, I suppose I should make this quick then. I've chosen you to spread my glory amongst the people of your world. You'll begin a ministry in my name, and I shall reward you in the afterlife with 37 pony virgins."

 

Really? When Princess Luna appeared to with a mighty "Huzzah!" in a vision. She promised me, that I would be transformed into an Immortal Alicorn, given 6 Alicorn Princesses as wives ( she muttered something about the remaining five candidates "not yet ready for Alicorn ascension at the moment" or something )  , my own own Kingdom prepared ( something about "feathered infidels" occupying the territory at the moment ), the death of Flash Sentry, and a dental plan. And all I have to do is troll this thread.

 

Oh! She also mentioned something about getting a TARDY- something or other.

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

Really? When Princess Luna appeared to with a mighty "Huzzah!" in a vision. She promised me, that I would be transformed into an Immortal Alicorn, given 6 Alicorn Princesses as wives ( she muttered something about the remaining five candidates "not yet ready for Alicorn ascension at the moment" or something )  , my own own Kingdom prepared ( something about "feathered infidels" occupying the territory at the moment ), the death of Flash Sentry, and a dental plan. And all I have to do is troll this thread.

 

Oh! She also mentioned something about getting a TARDY- something or other.

 

I've never heard such a far fetched story in my life.

 

Nobody uses them anymore, while we use stakes for pigs all the time!

 

Do I need to quote the Dushan's Code again?? This institution of yours shall be burned to the ground as soon as the revolution is successful.

 

My institution is decentralized. Go for any branch and cut it off and two more branches will grow in it's place.

 

We cannot be stopped.

 

Resistance is futile.

[IridscentNionios 1,420]

I don't know if i want to burst in this topic with guns blazing about everything or simply praise Celestia and pray that she finds time to reform my dear Chrysalis. Oh since hasbro said changelings are grotesque ponies does that count for Chrysalis technically being a pony thus allowing me to marry her?!?!? *gasp*!!! TECHNICAL LOOPHOLES FTW!!!

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

I don't know if i want to burst in this topic with guns blazing about everything or simply praise Celestia and pray that she finds time to reform my dear Chrysalis. Oh since hasbro said changelings are grotesque ponies does that count for Chrysalis technically being a pony thus allowing me to marry her?!?!? *gasp*!!! TECHNICAL LOOPHOLES FTW!!!

 

Technical loophole accepted.

 

PM skype to me, and I'll arrange things.

[IridscentNionios 1,420]

@,I am Selune Darkeye. Wait... you are? Same name i presume? Maybe i will search this thread see what i missed. 

[Kel_Grym 1,917]

@,I am Selune Darkeye. Wait... you are? Same name i presume? Maybe i will search this thread see what i missed. 

 

Gotcha on skype.