I'm Not Feeling Any Better
Right now I feel extremely lonely, worthless, and demotivated. It happens a lot whenever I'm not busy. And this is really a problem I need a solution to, the fact that no matter how busy I get and no matter how much time passes, I always feel depressed whenever I stop to take a breath. It's like staying busy is only masking my problems, not helping them. I'm also having other problems right now, I want to go back to college and find a career but I don't know which one to aim for. I thought it would be something about computers, but being honest I've lost my love for them. I no longer want to be a computer programmer because I can't find any motivation, love, enjoyment, and enthusiasm for it. I don't know if my depression is causing me to feel that way or not, but I do know that is how I've been feeling about computer programming. Because of this, I can't find any career to aim for and I can't find a reason to go back to college either. Some people have given me the advice that college isn't for me and I should just stick with the job I have, but the problem is that all the jobs I've worked and the job I'm working are jobs that I don't like and have no passion for. This leads me to the conclusion that there is nothing for me in life and it makes me feel talentless and worthless. I know it's not healthy to think that way, but I can't help it because it seems very true with the way things are going for me. And I don't know what to do with loneliness. No matter how many people I make friends with, it never goes away. I try to think positive, but thinking positive has the same results as staying busy - it only masks my problems instead of helping them. As for medication, they don't help. I've been on them for a long time, yet they are also only masking the problem instead of helping it. It's like everything in this hell of a world I live in does nothing to help, it's like I'm permanently stuck this way. Every day seems unproductive, and whenever I do something productive I feel miserable. I just wish I was nonexistent, that would not only help my problems, it would get rid of them entirely.
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