Offering OC help!

[bass cannon mark II 0]

i mainly need help with color scheme and personalities of my oc name is krypto back story is that he was a slave of a dragon what escaped when the dragon went into a deep sleep (dont blame me for a back story that probably doesnt fit in with mlp lore cos im bad at back storys so just made a random back story up) design is legs are metal body is bit bulk biceps bit vinyl and cutie mark is a bass cannon (you'll know what it looks like if you watched epic wub time)

[AmberDust 1,118]

So... umm... are you still helping? If so, i'd like you to take a look at my OC. I want her to feel like she could fit in the show, but i'm not sure if her personality and backstory are good enough

She's a work in progress, so i'm willing to change some things. Also, you can comment on her appearance if you want to

Take your time, I don't mind waiting :grin2:

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/garnet-ruby-r8561

Alright! Your main concern is fitting into the show? That's practically my specialty. I think for this type of concern its best if i give a full review.

Here we go!

 

 

Name: I think a name change would do her well. Not only are "Garnet" and "Ruby" two different stones, but also they both have the same amounf of syllables (2) and they sound a bit awkward when put next to each other. Maybe go with "Ruby Red" or "Garnet Shine" or something a little more mlp-like. Simply "Gem Stone" could work, too.

Appearance: Cute! Can't complain. Maybe you could make the eyeshadow a little different from her mane colour so it doesn't clash. (A shade darker, perhaps?) Also, I think it might look a little nicer if the back of her mane had a bit more volume. (For balance with the front.)

Cutie Mark: It was a good, nice concept until you mentionned a mystic connection. Remember, she is an Earth Pony. Not a unicorn. She should not have magic.

Personality: I like her personality, but I don't think it's necessary to make her self-conscious and afraid of judgement. It doesn't seem to suit the rest of her nonchalant, solitary ways. Not every hermit is afraid of coming out of its shell--Some just prefer the comfort of home.

Backstory: Mmm. Interesting. So, how does she feel about the way she acted as a filly? Does she regret running away from home? What was she like before she ran away? How did her family react to her leaving?

I like her story, but it could a little more explanation/substance.

Other: Okay, I've said this multiple times to other people...Earth ponies should NOT have magical powers. There is no reason for her to have them, there is not explanation for how she could have them. I say ditch 'em.

She should instead have to use her Earth-pony abilities and her brain to get around the fact that she doesn't have magic. It makes for a far more interesting and believable character, in my opinion.

Overall: A good character, but with a few flaws. She's allowed to be interested in magic, but it doesn't really seem to fit her character. She should not have magical connections with gems, since there's really no reason for her to. She can just do what humans do to find gemstones--use science and logic. Also, I suggest you flesh out her backstory to make her actions feel a little more justified. I'd love to take another look at her once you've edited her a bit!

 

 

 

i mainly need help with color scheme and personalities of my oc name is krypto back story is that he was a slave of a dragon what escaped when the dragon went into a deep sleep (dont blame me for a back story that probably doesnt fit in with mlp lore cos im bad at back storys so just made a random back story up) design is legs are metal body is bit bulk biceps bit vinyl and cutie mark is a bass cannon (you'll know what it looks like if you watched epic wub time)

Legs are...metal?

Would you be able to provide a drawing?

[Nyan Neon 50]

Alright! Your main concern is fitting into the show? That's practically my specialty. I think for this type of concern its best if i give a full review.

Here we go!

 

 

Name: I think a name change would do her well. Not only are "Garnet" and "Ruby" two different stones, but also they both have the same amounf of syllables (2) and they sound a bit awkward when put next to each other. Maybe go with "Ruby Red" or "Garnet Shine" or something a little more mlp-like. Simply "Gem Stone" could work, too.

Appearance: Cute! Can't complain. Maybe you could make the eyeshadow a little different from her mane colour so it doesn't clash. (A shade darker, perhaps?) Also, I think it might look a little nicer if the back of her mane had a bit more volume. (For balance with the front.)

Cutie Mark: It was a good, nice concept until you mentionned a mystic connection. Remember, she is an Earth Pony. Not a unicorn. She should not have magic.

Personality: I like her personality, but I don't think it's necessary to make her self-conscious and afraid of judgement. It doesn't seem to suit the rest of her nonchalant, solitary ways. Not every hermit is afraid of coming out of its shell--Some just prefer the comfort of home.

Backstory: Mmm. Interesting. So, how does she feel about the way she acted as a filly? Does she regret running away from home? What was she like before she ran away? How did her family react to her leaving?

I like her story, but it could a little more explanation/substance.

Other: Okay, I've said this multiple times to other people...Earth ponies should NOT have magical powers. There is no reason for her to have them, there is not explanation for how she could have them. I say ditch 'em.

She should instead have to use her Earth-pony abilities and her brain to get around the fact that she doesn't have magic. It makes for a far more interesting and believable character, in my opinion.

Overall: A good character, but with a few flaws. She's allowed to be interested in magic, but it doesn't really seem to fit her character. She should not have magical connections with gems, since there's really no reason for her to. She can just do what humans do to find gemstones--use science and logic. Also, I suggest you flesh out her backstory to make her actions feel a little more justified. I'd love to take another look at her once you've edited her a bit!

 

 

 

Legs are...metal?

Would you be able to provide a drawing?

Thanks! This really helped. She doesn't have magic, I think I worded it pretty badly, especially since my english isn't the best   She was supposed to be able to sense gemstones from some distance away, since she has a strong connection with the earth, being an earth pony and stuff like that (tell me if this is still not very show accurate). I'll try making her mane a little longer~ I made her interested in magic because she likes gemstones, and they're known to have magical properties in Equestria =P Garnet Shine seems nice. I like it!    I'm going to work more on her backstory, I like your questions about her character and i'll try to awnser hem in her backstory~ I'll try to explain why she's self-conscious as well (if it doesn't work i'll just drop it). Also, she has a friend named Opal and once i'm done with her, i'm gonna make Opal, and since Opal is such a important part of her story this will probably make her a more interesting character.

 

Thanks a lot for the criticism, i'll let you know once I edit her character page 

[bass cannon mark II 0]

Alright! Your main concern is fitting into the show? That's practically my specialty. I think for this type of concern its best if i give a full review.

Here we go!

 

 

Name: I think a name change would do her well. Not only are "Garnet" and "Ruby" two different stones, but also they both have the same amounf of syllables (2) and they sound a bit awkward when put next to each other. Maybe go with "Ruby Red" or "Garnet Shine" or something a little more mlp-like. Simply "Gem Stone" could work, too.

Appearance: Cute! Can't complain. Maybe you could make the eyeshadow a little different from her mane colour so it doesn't clash. (A shade darker, perhaps?) Also, I think it might look a little nicer if the back of her mane had a bit more volume. (For balance with the front.)

Cutie Mark: It was a good, nice concept until you mentionned a mystic connection. Remember, she is an Earth Pony. Not a unicorn. She should not have magic.

Personality: I like her personality, but I don't think it's necessary to make her self-conscious and afraid of judgement. It doesn't seem to suit the rest of her nonchalant, solitary ways. Not every hermit is afraid of coming out of its shell--Some just prefer the comfort of home.

Backstory: Mmm. Interesting. So, how does she feel about the way she acted as a filly? Does she regret running away from home? What was she like before she ran away? How did her family react to her leaving?

I like her story, but it could a little more explanation/substance.

Other: Okay, I've said this multiple times to other people...Earth ponies should NOT have magical powers. There is no reason for her to have them, there is not explanation for how she could have them. I say ditch 'em.

She should instead have to use her Earth-pony abilities and her brain to get around the fact that she doesn't have magic. It makes for a far more interesting and believable character, in my opinion.

Overall: A good character, but with a few flaws. She's allowed to be interested in magic, but it doesn't really seem to fit her character. She should not have magical connections with gems, since there's really no reason for her to. She can just do what humans do to find gemstones--use science and logic. Also, I suggest you flesh out her backstory to make her actions feel a little more justified. I'd love to take another look at her once you've edited her a bit!

 

 

 

Legs are...metal?

Would you be able to provide a drawing?

i mean like h8seeds wings in awoken (only song i've seen him in) but as legs

[Tesla 167]

i PM'd you thanks for your time

[AmberDust 1,118]

i mean like h8seeds wings in awoken (only song i've seen him in) but as legs

I'm not familiar with that, sorry. Could I see a drawing of your OC?

 

[

Thanks! This really helped. She doesn't have magic, I think I worded it pretty badly, especially since my english isn't the best She was supposed to be able to sense gemstones from some distance away, since she has a strong connection with the earth, being an earth pony and stuff like that (tell me if this is still not very show accurate). I'll try making her mane a little longer~ I made her interested in magic because she likes gemstones, and they're known to have magical properties in Equestria =P Garnet Shine seems nice. I like it! I'm going to work more on her backstory, I like your questions about her character and i'll try to awnser hem in her backstory~ I'll try to explain why she's self-conscious as well (if it doesn't work i'll just drop it). Also, she has a friend named Opal and once i'm done with her, i'm gonna make Opal, and since Opal is such a important part of her story this will probably make her a more interesting character.

 

Thanks a lot for the criticism, i'll let you know once I edit her character page

Earth pony senses are probably canon enough, but I kind of figured Earth ponies were more connected to plants than to rocks.

Either way, good luck with your character!

Edited July 18, 2015 by AmberDust

[Shadow Thorn 1]

Hi everypony! The name is Shadow Thorn and I have a naming problem. My whole family tree is fleshed out and named, but not my husband's pony and his friend. For some reason I can't name them. Help!!!

 

The first is my special some pony. He's a deep green Pegasus with long brown hair. He's very smart and a total smart ass. He loves comics and SciFi. His cutie mark is of a book. Hmmm...oh! His most notable feature other than his intelligent big Labousky aditude, are his large wings and size. ( not fat, just big boned ;3)

 

The other is our friend. He is just as strange and excitable as pinkie pie and cheese sandwich. He is a blue pony with a horn, cute wings, donky/strange ears and purple Bob Ross hair. Like I said, strange one he is. He's a weapon smith and his cutie mark is a short wooden sword.

 

Any and all help will = love!!

[StormSong 33]

Hello! I could use some help creating a back story for my oc

[Odyssey 5,715]

Heya @AmberDust! I was wondering if you could help me with my pony fancharacter, Paint Brush. I've linked her bio down below. I'm wanting a full critique if that's alright. Don't be afraid to be blunt if there's something wrong with her.

 

https://charahub.com/character/477226/Paint-Brush/public/

 

I'm working on another pony fancharacter as of now, so I'll probably come back to this topic in a few days or so. Thanks for reading!

[AmberDust 1,118]

Hi everypony! The name is Shadow Thorn and I have a naming problem. My whole family tree is fleshed out and named, but not my husband's pony and his friend. For some reason I can't name them. Help!!!

 

The first is my special some pony. He's a deep green Pegasus with long brown hair. He's very smart and a total smart ass. He loves comics and SciFi. His cutie mark is of a book. Hmmm...oh! His most notable feature other than his intelligent big Labousky aditude, are his large wings and size. ( not fat, just big boned ;3)

 

The other is our friend. He is just as strange and excitable as pinkie pie and cheese sandwich. He is a blue pony with a horn, cute wings, donky/strange ears and purple Bob Ross hair. Like I said, strange one he is. He's a weapon smith and his cutie mark is a short wooden sword.

 

Any and all help will = love!!

 

I understand how hard it is to name characters based on real-life people...the pressure is often too much, to get the name just right.

It's often a good idea to name them based on their special talent, and since you've already got those down, it shouldn't be too hard.

 

For your special somepony, consider something book-related, like "Footnote", "Leaflet" (hinting at green colour, too), "Paperback" or "Bookworm". Going through a glossary of book/libary terms will probably yield give good results. Or you can cut and combine book terms with general mlp suffixes/prefixes to make it your own.

 

For Mr. Bob Ross...you should probably NOT make him an Alicorn. ^^ Wings or horn, pick one.

Anyways, choosing smithing terms is a good start. You can go with something like "Iron Anvil" or "Cast iron" or similar.

Hopefully this was helpful. 

Hello! I could use some help creating a back story for my oc

Could you send me a link to their profile? Or, if you don't have one, just PM me some info about them.

Heya @AmberDust! I was wondering if you could help me with my pony fancharacter, Paint Brush. I've linked her bio down below. I'm wanting a full critique if that's alright. Don't be afraid to be blunt if there's something wrong with her.

 

https://charahub.com/character/477226/Paint-Brush/public/

 

I'm working on another pony fancharacter as of now, so I'll probably come back to this topic in a few days or so. Thanks for reading!

Oh my god, I literally wrote this review out twice, and it refuses to post. 0__0" Please wait...we're experiencing...technical difficulties.

[SpikusFyre 486]

Well let's see how this goes... https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/spikus-fyre-r8722

[P-Jay 1,987]

iv been trying to come up with a new design and name for rune (link in signature) because i realzed that the whole grey-and-black thing doesn't quite fit his personality.

 

of course, im keeping the grey theme for the scarf, and the tribal-looking-markings will stay, naturally. but im mainly just looking for a new name.

 

'rune' is too awkward. 

[AmberDust 1,118]

Well let's see how this goes... https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/spikus-fyre-r8722

Alright, you're up Mr. Fyre.

 

 

 

Name: I'm not a huge fan of the name "Spikus", but "Fyre" is pretty good.

Design: The design is nice...not too over-the-top, not too bland. I like the different tones of blue. The beard is a nice touch i don't see too often.

Personality: A lot of the aspects you listed seem to contradict each other. This could be clarified a bit through explanation, but maybe some of them could be omitted. Like, "objective" and "open-minded" don't seem to fit together. Neither do "enthusiastic" and "cynical", without some sort of context or explanation. I suggest you try to deepen hie personality beyond just a list of traits. Consider how he thinks, how he acts, how he feels about different things...Ask yourself questions about how he would react in certain situations, and it will help make him a richer, more interesting character.

Backstory: no ideas yet, eh? I can help you there, if you PM me. We could work something out together.

I usually like to start by considering their personality. The personality is usually a direct product of the backstory, so you can look at any given trait and say, "What in his life lead him to becoming so cynical?" etc. From there, you can slowly develop his backstory. Its good to start from childhood, and work your way around until you've figured out the context and circumstances of his upbringing.

Other: A lot of this info can be moved to the "personality' section, i think. It adds a nice extra layer to the otherwise static list of traits you gave.

Its also a good idea to go a little deeper with regards to his likes/dislikes. This can help you develop a backstory. Just ask yourself "why" each time you mention a like/dislike. "Why does he hate being called Spikey? Does it have a negative memory attached to it? Did bullies call him that?"

By asking simple questions, you can reveal and discover a  lot about this character.

 

Overall: I'd say you're on the right track! This character is definitely not complete, but if you just keep thinking about him and asking questions, you'll eventually develop a full, rich character. I recommend you look over his personality traits again, and try to isolate the ones that contradict each other or otherwise don't fit. Think of the way he acts, and ask yourself if there's any real reason behind it. If personality is consistent and realistic, characters become instantly more likeable and relate-able!

 

I hope I was helpful, and if you need any more assistance/second-opinions, don't hesitate to PM me!

 

 

iv been trying to come up with a new design and name for rune (link in signature) because i realzed that the whole grey-and-black thing doesn't quite fit his personality.

 

of course, im keeping the grey theme for the scarf, and the tribal-looking-markings will stay, naturally. but im mainly just looking for a new name.

 

'rune' is too awkward. 

 

What up, Calibro?

 

*instant regret*

 

 

Aaanyways, You're having trouble with names and colours, eh?

Before you read any of my advice, were there any specific colours or names you were leaning towards? Any specific tone you'd like to portray? Take note of these things before your ideas are muddied by mine.

Now, let's see....

 

 

 

Name:

I don't personally think that "Rune" sounds too awkward, but if you don't like it, then I'll try my best. "Runestone", "Runeglass", and "Runic" are all options, of course, but you could also go with another bit of terminology from a similar background/context.

It looks to me like you're trying for an arcane sort of name (rather than something Scandinavian or viking-y)...so lets try and come up with a list of similarly magical relics and terms...

 

I didn't read over his entire profile, but it looks to me like he specializes in summoning elemental forces and "buffing" himself, (excuse my D&D lingo,) rather than changing form or protecting himself or other things like that. 

 

You could give him the name of a famed weapon, seeing as he is essentially an arsenal. You probably wouldn't want Excalibur, but there are plenty of other options, like Caledbolg, from Welsh mythology, or Sting, from the Hobbit. Or you could go with Baetylus, which is a specific magical rock, similar to a runestone.

 

And remember, in the world of mlp, words can be warped and combined. If you really like the sound of one word, but it doesn't actually sound good as a name, don't be afraid to play around with it. cut off the last bit, add a prefix or suffix...heck, even try putting a generic pony Surname after it an see how it sounds. Rune Sparkle? Rune Chaser? RuneGlow?  There are plenty of options that can keep your original ideas, but still change the whole tone of the name.

 

Colours:

As for colour schemes...This guy definitely seems like he'd be a bit more colourful. Even if you just make all of his tattooed runes red, it'd add a nice pop. The scarf could be an orange-ish with red, or purple, and maybe you could make his eyes yellow, or a similar, unnatural looking colour to add to his theme of the arcane and cryptic.

 

 

If you're insistent on making his coat a different colour, I'd go for something a little more natural looking, to contrast with the manmade nature of the runes. Maybe a pale cream, white, brown, or orange.

 

Sorry. I feel like this wasn't really helpful. @_@' This would really work better if we went back-and-forth, exchanging ideas. PM me, if you'd like.

 

Edited September 25, 2015 by AmberDust

[CinnamonPop 3,350]

Could you perhaps look at Cinnamon, AmberDust? I love constructive critism.

Edited September 25, 2015 by CinnamonPop

[Tao 7,526]

Hey Amber,  would you look at my oc Sunflare: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/sunflare-r8239

[SET318MLP 55]

Hey I just finished my OC. I'm going to PM you about it.

[Darkly SteamGear 110]

why yes, hello i believe my pony friend darkly is in need of ur OC critiquing. I mean, have you seen his OC. It's so frigging overpowered that he destroyed 4 pasta shops in 1 roleplay without dieing. not to mention his really stupid made up alloy and his terrible ways with grammar and basic writing skills... Oh wait a minute... I am Darkly! :L 

[AmberDust 1,118]

Could you perhaps look at Cinnamon, AmberDust? I love constructive critism.

Alright, you're up, Cinnamon Pop!

 

 

Name: Good name. Has a really cute ring to it.

Appearance: The colours are a little oversaturated, but otherwise good. I edited you picture in photoshop and toned down the colours so they match the show's style a bit better. It's up to you, whether or not you want to use it. I included both images in this message for the sake of comparison.

Cutie Mark: Her cutie mark situation seems a little too quirky and "special snowflake"-y to be believable within the show's context. I would nix the part about it moving around and changing colours. I also suggest you change the design of the cutie mark to something that better represents her. Maybe something to do with cooking, like a silver whisk, or something to do with singing, like a microphone! I can help you with ideas if you're having trouble coming up with one that you really like.

Personality: You should add more content to her personality section...personality is the most important part of a character, so it should really be more detailed. Anyways, lets take a look at what you have so far...

"She is slightly more hostile toward acquaintances". So, she's hostile towards people she likes? Why is that? It's a good idea explain, at least a little, the "why"s of her personality. As in, why does she act the way she does? It'll help develop the character further. For example...

Q: Why does she cut herself off from her friends when she's upset?

A: Maybe she isn't good at explaining her emotions, so she'd rather let them all out by herself to avoid confusing or bothering her friends, or maybe she gets even more upset when she talks about things, so she just wants to wait out the anger in a safe, quiet place.

This way, her personality will become deeper and richer and she'll become a more believable character.

On another note, I'd consider changing of the whole "She'll go insane if a pony tends to "bully" her, and she'll attack the "bully" in the night," thing. This behaviour just isn't realistic. Maybe replace it with something a little less...drastic. A little more real. There are many ways to cope with bullies, but this pre-meditated attack just doesn't make sense, especially in conjunction with "insanity", which generally indicates a complete LACK of foresight.

Backstory: Oh no! D: She can't fly? You've piqued my interest! *reads on*

 

...I really like this backstory. :3 It provides a lot of helpful insight into her personality! I also like how you tie it in with the events of the show, like Pinkie's welcome parties, "Winter Wrap Up" and "Running of the Leaves". Hopefully she'll regain her ability to fly someday. that must have been quite an awful crash landing she was in!

 

...Wait, what's this sentence?  "Ever since her sad childhood, she really seems to be happier, and less of a loner."

Sad childhood? That would have been a good thing to indicate at the beginning of the backstory. I didn't get the impression that she was a loner or had a sad life or anything. What made her life so bad? Also, at what point in her life did she break her wing? These are some pretty important details. 

 

Other: I think its hilarious that you lined to a TV Tropes page lol. But at the same time, someone who hates being alone probably wouldn't spend their entire childhood as a recluse, would they? :/ Or did this dependence develop after she stopped being a loner?

Likes and dislikes are good. Its nice that you included a little friend's list...are these mostly background ponies?

Her strength probably should NOT rival bulk biceps, seeing as being strong is his whole theme. I'd tone it down a bit. Maybe give her Rainbow Dash levels of physical strength (but not speed).

Also... -_- sigh...

 

The whole "insane" thing...I've seen a lot of it, and I really don't like it. Don't worry, though, its not just you. This momentary rant is directed towards everyone. Your case really isn't that bad. Anyways...the rant:

      The thing about insanity is that its NOT a state of mind that someone can just casually slip in and out of. It's usually caused by some traumatic event or prolonged bad times...and I mean REALLY bad times. Like war. Or imprisonment. Or abuse. Insanity is a form of mental illness.

I know that mlp has played around with the theme a bit, but they've never gone so far with it as to drive characters to violence. If you want your character to occasionally have Lesson-Zero-like breakdowns, that's totally fine, so long as the cause-and-effect match--but don't let your character briefly become incredibly violent for the sake of a little drama. Its not realistic.

 

Overall: This character's personality needs some tweaking and development, but the backstory definitely has you on the right track! Keep in mind the things I said about realism of character, and make sure their personality and backstory make sense together. Ask yourself questions about this character's personality, and they'll develop right before your eyes!

If you need any extra help or advice, go ahead and send me a PM. 

 

 

 

Hey Amber,  would you look at my oc Sunflare: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/sunflare-r8239

You're up next, Sunflare!

 

 

Name: Cute name. It's got a nice ring to it, and it matches well with her design. :3

 

Appearance: When I first saw this OC, then read over the "appearance" bio, this was the first thing that I thought: "Ponies aren't like this. Ponies don't glitter, or glow, or gradate. Ponies aren't living mood rings. This OC is headed straight into Special-snowflake territory, isn't it?"

However, the second thing I thought was this: "...Unless they're Crystal Ponies. Crystal ponies can glitter and gradate, just fine!" So, that's my suggestion for Sunflare. As a regular pony, none of this colour stuff makes sense. As a crystal pony, its a little more excusable. ; ) The colour scheme is rather pretty, after all, and it'd be a shame just to scrap it. I like the part about mountain Pegasi having bigger wings. it's a nice explanation.

 

Cutie Mark: Not sure if that description makes much sense... "A glory of the blooming sunflower"...? The cutie mark is good, but I think you should simplify the description itself to "A mark of the sun. Sunflare got this when she discovered her love of dancing through the sunlit sky", or something along those lines. Be clear and concise when writing bios.

 

Personality: It's usually best to have more explanation and complexity in this section, rather than just a list. Consider "why" and "how" these personality traits came to be, and your character will become more believable and real. Nonetheless, these personality traits are nice, and they go well together. There's no need to separate "Good side" and "bad side", though.

As an added note, keep in mind that personality is really the single most important part of a character. In terms of time, effort, and refining, it should take priority over appearance and backstory. This is very important to remember. After all, we don't love Twilight Sparkle because she's a sparkly, pretty princess. We love her because she's smart, and because she's a nerd, and because we can really relate to her feelings and struggles. Personality is everything.

Moving on...

 

Backstory: Woah, look at this novel! Better start reading...

Okay, first sentence. This comment doesn't actually have to do with the backstory itself, sorry. ^^' Just the way you wrote it. Basically, this first paragraph means that she radiates optimism. I appreciate the wordsmithing and eloquence of language, but bios should be a little more concise. ^^' If you can get the same message across in fewer words, I say, do it. Especially with a backstory as long as this one seems to be. Anyhoo...back to the actual story.

 

...Oh, dear. Adopted by the royals? Oh no. This is the kind of thing we try to avoid. Its fine to write a little fanfic about the possible future, where the main character is the adopted daughter of two important characters like Cadence and Shining Armour, but in roleplay, this just wont fly. Its highly discouraged for your character to have any relations (or at least, any STRONG relations) with canon characters, because it gives your character an unfair and often unrealistic advantage. Also, its generally considered lazy writing to just tie your character to pre-established ones. Any sort of bending of canon is also majorly frowned upon...like giving the royals a whole bunch of children, for instance. If you plan to use this character in roleplay, you should consider developing and alternate backstory that isn't so reliant on the canon characters to make your character seem more interesting or important...again, the most important thing about a character is PERSONALITY. You don't need all this crazy backstory to make your character a good one!

 

Anyways, lets put all that roleplay stuff aside for a moment. Now, I'll just assume for a minute that this character is indeed intended for a fanfic, and not for RP, and keep reading...

***

Its understandable that Cadence would want a daughter, I guess, but her becoming unable to bear any more children seems a bit drastic. You can just say that they wanted to adopt. A lot of royals and celebrities do, even if they CAN have their own kids. There's no need to sterilize her.

***

Again, you wrote this bio in a really narrative way. It feels less like a bio and more like a story. ^^'I'm not gonna get mad at you for misspellings or poor grammar though. Maybe if this were an actual story I would. : p Haha. Anyways, my point is that biographies like this one should be more concise. This isn't the place to write a whole fanfic.

***

I like your inclusion of the Djinn. Cool piece of mythology there. It seems a bit too violent/dramatic/gruesome for the world of Equestria, though...I mean, bodies everywhere...? ^^' It definitely wouldn't be in the show.

***

Reading more about HOW they found the filly makes me want to reinforce my previous statement about Cadence NOT becoming sterile. Whether or not she could have her own kids, she would have still taken in this little foal out of sheer pity and a guilty sense of responsibility. There's no need to sterilize her.

***

Okay, so Sunflare is growing deathly sick. This seems like an awful lot of drama for an infant...first her village is massacred, then she's adopted by a princess, now this...I think you're going overboard with this drama. It also feels like you're just trying to shoe-horn more canon characters (Zecora and Twilight) into your story. : ( Some of this magic-mumbo-jumbo seems a bit contrived, too, but its good to see you're tying this illness back to the Djinn attack.

***

Okay, Cadence is giving up part of her soul. So, will she fall deathly ill now, too? That's how Sunflare got sick, right? Because her soul was incomplete? I'd consider changing this part. ^^' It breaks continuity. However, I do appreciate the sort of Blood-brothers-oath ceremony going on here to solidify the familial bond between Cadence and Sunflare. It's a nice, endearing scene, but it still doesn't really make sense, considering the way the illness seems to work.

***

Sunflare lost her voice? That side-effect seems a bit random...and, again, a superfluous source of drama. You don't need all this to make your character interesting really! ^^' The bit about her glowing and such also doesn't seem to have any contextual rhyme or reason to it, and was probably just added for the sake of "uniqueness" or "specialness", right? Its really not necessary! ^^

***

I don't think royal children go to public school. Also, Fluttershy is in this story for some reason...? I will re-iterate--you don't need all these canon characters in here!

***

I enjoy reading about her cutie mark and her passion for dancing. In my opinion, this bit is the most interesting part of the whole backstory. : ) Also, I still think you should make her a Crystal pony. It would make her sparkliness more realistic.

***

She's fighting in a war now? Why? :/ She's a princess, and a dancer! This feels like more forced drama to me. :/

 

Other: Nothing to say about this section. Nice little summary.

 

 

Overall:

This character is, in her current state, entirely unsuitable for roleplay.    However, if you really deepen her personality and maybe tone down her appearance, she'd make a fine character for a fanfic. Just remember that personality is more important than anything else. Don't let your character rely so heavily on a dramatic backstory or on her relationships with canon characters--that's just lazy writing. Make Sunflare her own person! Explore her personality, her passions...make her the driving force behind her own story--not just the receiving end of various lucky chances!  ; )

 

If you do intend to use this character in roleplay, she'll need a major overhaul. I can help you with that, if you PM me. This character has the potential to be really good and interesting, but she's drowning in over-dramatic backstory and a flashy appearance. Step outside your comfort zone a bit, and detach her from all the drama. Let her personality shine through!

I'm always available to help if you need it. : ) And I do apologize if I may have seemed harsh at some points. Please understand that I only want to help you!

 

 

why yes, hello i believe my pony friend darkly is in need of ur OC critiquing. I mean, have you seen his OC. It's so frigging overpowered that he destroyed 4 pasta shops in 1 roleplay without dieing. not to mention his really stupid made up alloy and his terrible ways with grammar and basic writing skills... Oh wait a minute... I am Darkly! :L 

Your honesty and self-awareness is truly refreshing. Since it sounds like you want a full OC overhaul, why don't we make this a PM conversation?

Also...

 

WHY YOU DESTROY-A FOUR PASTA SHOPS? PASTA IS SACRED! YOU INSULT-A MY CULTURE! >o<

Edited September 28, 2015 by AmberDust

[Darkly SteamGear 110]

Alright, you're up, Cinnamon Pop!

 

 

Name: Good name. Has a really cute ring to it.

Appearance: The colours are a little oversaturated, but otherwise good. I edited you picture in photoshop and toned down the colours so they match the show's style a bit better. It's up to you, whether or not you want to use it.

Cutie Mark: Her cutie mark situation seems a little too quirky and "special snowflake"-y to be believable within the show's context. I would nix the part about it moving around and changing colours. I also suggest you change the design of the cutie mark to something that better represents her. Maybe something to do with cooking, like a silver whisk, or something to do with singing, like a microphone! I can help you with ideas if you're having trouble coming up with one that you really like.

Personality: You should add more content to her personality section...personality is the most important part of a character, so it should really be more detailed. Anyways, lets take a look at what you have so far...

"She is slightly more hostile toward acquaintances". So, she's hostile towards people she likes? Why is that? It's a good idea explain, at least a little, the "why"s of her personality. As in, why does she act the way she does? It'll help develop the character further. For example...

Q: Why does she cut herself off from her friends when she's upset?

A: Maybe she isn't good at explaining her emotions, so she'd rather let them all out by herself to avoid confusing or bothering her friends, or maybe she gets even more upset when she talks about things, so she just wants to wait out the anger in a safe, quiet place.

This way, her personality will become deeper and richer and she'll become a more believable character.

On another note, I'd consider changing of the whole "She'll go insane if a pony tends to "bully" her, and she'll attack the "bully" in the night," thing. This behaviour just isn't realistic. Maybe replace it with something a little less...drastic. A little more real. There are many ways to cope with bullies, but this pre-meditated attack just doesn't make sense, especially in conjunction with "insanity", which generally indicates a complete LACK of foresight.

Backstory: Oh no! D: She can't fly? You've piqued my interest! *reads on*

 

...I really like this backstory. :3 It provides a lot of helpful insight into her personality! I also like how you tie it in with the events of the show, like Pinkie's welcome parties, "Winter Wrap Up" and "Running of the Leaves". Hopefully she'll regain her ability to fly someday. that must have been quite an awful crash landing she was in!

 

...Wait, what's this sentence?  "Ever since her sad childhood, she really seems to be happier, and less of a loner."

Sad childhood? That would have been a good thing to indicate at the beginning of the backstory. I didn't get the impression that she was a loner or had a sad life or anything. What made her life so bad? Also, at what point in her life did she break her wing? These are some pretty important details. 

 

Other: I think its hilarious that you lined to a TV Tropes page lol. But at the same time, someone who hates being alone probably wouldn't spend their entire childhood as a recluse, would they? :/ Or did this dependence develop after she stopped being a loner?

Likes and dislikes are good. Its nice that you included a little friend's list...are these mostly background ponies?

Her strength probably should NOT rival bulk biceps, seeing as being strong is his whole theme. I'd tone it down a bit. Maybe give her Rainbow Dash levels of physical strength (but not speed).

Also... -_- sigh...

 

The whole "insane" thing...I've seen a lot of it, and I really don't like it. Don't worry, though, its not just you. This momentary rant is directed towards everyone. Your case really isn't that bad. Anyways...the rant:

      The thing about insanity is that its NOT a state of mind that someone can just casually slip in and out of. It's usually caused by some traumatic event or prolonged bad times...and I mean REALLY bad times. Like war. Or imprisonment. Or abuse. Insanity is a form of mental illness.

I know that mlp has played around with the theme a bit, but they've never gone so far with it as to drive characters to violence. If you want your character to occasionally have Lesson-Zero-like breakdowns, that's totally fine, so long as the cause-and-effect match--but don't let your character briefly become incredibly violent for the sake of a little drama. Its not realistic.

 

Overall: This character's personality needs some tweaking and development, but the backstory definitely has you on the right track! Keep in mind the things I said about realism of character, and make sure their personality and backstory make sense together. Ask yourself questions about this character's personality, and they'll develop right before your eyes!

If you need any extra help or advice, go ahead and send me a PM. 

 

 

 

You're up next, Sunflare!

 

 

Name: Cute name. It's got a nice ring to it, and it matches well with her design. :3

 

Appearance: When I first saw this OC, then read over the "appearance" bio, this was the first thing that I thought: "Ponies aren't like this. Ponies don't glitter, or glow, or gradate. Ponies aren't living mood rings. This OC is headed straight into Special-snowflake territory, isn't it?"

However, the second thing I thought was this: "...Unless they're Crystal Ponies. Crystal ponies can glitter and gradate, just fine!" So, that's my suggestion for Sunflare. As a regular pony, none of this colour stuff makes sense. As a crystal pony, its a little more excusable. ; ) The colour scheme is rather pretty, after all, and it'd be a shame just to scrap it. I like the part about mountain Pegasi having bigger wings. it's a nice explanation.

 

Cutie Mark: Not sure if that description makes much sense... "A glory of the blooming sunflower"...? The cutie mark is good, but I think you should simplify the description itself to "A mark of the sun. Sunflare got this when she discovered her love of dancing through the sunlit sky", or something along those lines. Be clear and concise when writing bios.

 

Personality: It's usually best to have more explanation and complexity in this section, rather than just a list. Consider "why" and "how" these personality traits came to be, and your character will become more believable and real. Nonetheless, these personality traits are nice, and they go well together. There's no need to separate "Good side" and "bad side", though.

As an added note, keep in mind that personality is really the single most important part of a character. In terms of time, effort, and refining, it should take priority over appearance and backstory. This is very important to remember. After all, we don't love Twilight Sparkle because she's a sparkly, pretty princess. We love her because she's smart, and because she's a nerd, and because we can really relate to her feelings and struggles. Personality is everything.

Moving on...

 

Backstory: Woah, look at this novel! Better start reading...

Okay, first sentence. This comment doesn't actually have to do with the backstory itself, sorry. ^^' Just the way you wrote it. Basically, this first paragraph means that she radiates optimism. I appreciate the wordsmithing and eloquence of language, but bios should be a little more concise. ^^' If you can get the same message across in fewer words, I say, do it. Especially with a backstory as long as this one seems to be. Anyhoo...back to the actual story.

 

...Oh, dear. Adopted by the royals? Oh no. This is the kind of thing we try to avoid. Its fine to write a little fanfic about the possible future, where the main character is the adopted daughter of two important characters like Cadence and Shining Armour, but in roleplay, this just wont fly. Its highly discouraged for your character to have any relations (or at least, any STRONG relations) with canon characters, because it gives your character an unfair and often unrealistic advantage. Also, its generally considered lazy writing to just tie your character to pre-established ones. Any sort of bending of canon is also majorly frowned upon...like giving the royals a whole bunch of children, for instance. If you plan to use this character in roleplay, you should consider developing and alternate backstory that isn't so reliant on the canon characters to make your character seem more interesting or important...again, the most important thing about a character is PERSONALITY. You don't need all this crazy backstory to make your character a good one!

 

Anyways, lets put all that roleplay stuff aside for a moment. Now, I'll just assume for a minute that this character is indeed intended for a fanfic, and not for RP, and keep reading...

***

Its understandable that Cadence would want a daughter, I guess, but her becoming unable to bear any more children seems a bit drastic. You can just say that they wanted to adopt. A lot of royals and celebrities do, even if they CAN have their own kids. There's no need to sterilize her.

***

Again, you wrote this bio in a really narrative way. It feels less like a bio and more like a story. ^^'I'm not gonna get mad at you for misspellings or poor grammar though. Maybe if this were an actual story I would. : p Haha. Anyways, my point is that biographies like this one should be more concise. This isn't the place to write a whole fanfic.

***

I like your inclusion of the Djinn. Cool piece of mythology there. It seems a bit too violent/dramatic/gruesome for the world of Equestria, though...I mean, bodies everywhere...? ^^' It definitely wouldn't be in the show.

***

Reading more about HOW they found the filly makes me want to reinforce my previous statement about Cadence NOT becoming sterile. Whether or not she could have her own kids, she would have still taken in this little foal out of sheer pity and a guilty sense of responsibility. There's no need to sterilize her.

***

Okay, so Sunflare is growing deathly sick. This seems like an awful lot of drama for an infant...first her village is massacred, then she's adopted by a princess, now this...I think you're going overboard with this drama. It also feels like you're just trying to shoe-horn more canon characters (Zecora and Twilight) into your story. : ( Some of this magic-mumbo-jumbo seems a bit contrived, too, but its good to see you're tying this illness back to the Djinn attack.

***

Okay, Cadence is giving up part of her soul. So, will she fall deathly ill now, too? That's how Sunflare got sick, right? Because her soul was incomplete? I'd consider changing this part. ^^' It breaks continuity. However, I do appreciate the sort of Blood-brothers-oath ceremony going on here to solidify the familial bond between Cadence and Sunflare. It's a nice, endearing scene, but it still doesn't really make sense, considering the way the illness seems to work.

***

Sunflare lost her voice? That side-effect seems a bit random...and, again, a superfluous source of drama. You don't need all this to make your character interesting really! ^^' The bit about her glowing and such also doesn't seem to have any contextual rhyme or reason to it, and was probably just added for the sake of "uniqueness" or "specialness", right? Its really not necessary! ^^

***

I don't think royal children go to public school. Also, Fluttershy is in this story for some reason...? I will re-iterate--you don't need all these canon characters in here!

***

I enjoy reading about her cutie mark and her passion for dancing. In my opinion, this bit is the most interesting part of the whole backstory. : ) Also, I still think you should make her a Crystal pony. It would make her sparkliness more realistic.

***

She's fighting in a war now? Why? :/ She's a princess, and a dancer! This feels like more forced drama to me. :/

 

Other: Nothing to say about this section. Nice little summary.

 

 

Overall:

This character is, in her current state, entirely unsuitable for roleplay.    However, if you really deepen her personality and maybe tone down her appearance, she'd make a fine character for a fanfic. Just remember that personality is more important than anything else. Don't let your character rely so heavily on a dramatic backstory or on her relationships with canon characters--that's just lazy writing. Make Sunflare her own person! Explore her personality, her passions...make her the driving force behind her own story--not just the receiving end of various lucky chances!  ; )

 

If you do intend to use this character in roleplay, she'll need a major overhaul. I can help you with that, if you PM me. This character has the potential to be really good and interesting, but she's drowning in over-dramatic backstory and a flashy appearance. Step outside your comfort zone a bit, and detach her from all the drama. Let her personality shine through!

I'm always available to help if you need it. : ) And I do apologize if I may have seemed harsh at some points. Please understand that I only want to help you!

 

 

Your honesty and self-awareness is truly refreshing. Since it sounds like you want a full OC overhaul, why don't we make this a PM conversation?

Also...

 

WHY YOU DESTROY-A FOUR PASTA SHOPS? PASTA IS SACRED! YOU INSULT-A MY CULTURE! >o<

Make that five pasta shops now :3.

[Ecntrix 86]

Hi! Let's see how this goes! C:(That is just her initial design. Haven't got a chance to draw her.)
 

 
Her name is Minty Melody, no cutiemark at the moment.
 
Bio: Minty Melody, mostly known as Mel or Minty, grew up in a musical family. She was the only child though. She didn't have anybody to talk to and she kept it that way. She focused on her work and music. She grew up on music. She breathed music. Her mother taught her piano, and her dad taught her guitar. She took as many classes as possible. She was all into music! But, she can't sing, sadly. She's the worst singer you could meet. She's been taking singing lessons and is slowly getting better.
 
Personality: Shy, introverted, kind, can take small risks at times, adorkable
 
Age: Undecided. Probably 17-18

[AmberDust 1,118]

Make that five pasta shops now :3.

HOW'A DARE YOU???

Anyways, PM me.

 

Hi! Let's see how this goes! C:(That is just her initial design. Haven't got a chance to draw her.)

 

MM.png

 

Her name is Minty Melody, no cutiemark at the moment.

 

Bio: Minty Melody, mostly known as Mel or Minty, grew up in a musical family. She was the only child though. She didn't have anybody to talk to and she kept it that way. She focused on her work and music. She grew up on music. She breathed music. Her mother taught her piano, and her dad taught her guitar. She took as many classes as possible. She was all into music! But, she can't sing, sadly. She's the worst singer you could meet. She's been taking singing lessons and is slowly getting better.

 

Personality: Shy, introverted, kind, can take small risks at times, adorkable

 

Age: Undecided. Probably 17-18

What you have so far is good, but feels sort of incomplete, due to its briefness. Can't really complain about anything you have so far, though. She has a nice name, nice colour scheme, and from what you've posted so far, a nice personality/backstory. Are you planning on using her in RPs?

[Ecntrix 86]

HOW'A DARE YOU???

Anyways, PM me.

 

What you have so far is good, but feels sort of incomplete, due to its briefness. Can't really complain about anything you have so far, though. She has a nice name, nice colour scheme, and from what you've posted so far, a nice personality/backstory. Are you planning on using her in RPs?

Nope. I don't enjoy RPing much. XD And yea, it's pretty brief. I can PM you the long version, possibly?

[AmberDust 1,118]

Nope. I don't enjoy RPing much. XD And yea, it's pretty brief. I can PM you the long version, possibly?

Oh, so there is a full version?

Well, if you need help with her, then go ahead and PM me.

[Tao 7,526]

Oh, so there is a full version?

Well, if you need help with her, then go ahead and PM me.

I'll pm yah in the next week Amber after I get done on the 10 to 14 hours of work shifts .     Just to let you know,  I plan to post one more to yah than we can maybe do two birds on one throw of a stone    As for grammar,    I'm treating this more like a rough draft till things are refined and getting feed back like from peeps like you pretty lady!

Edited September 29, 2015 by Tao

[Tao 7,526]

Oh, so there is a full version?

Well, if you need help with her, then go ahead and PM me.

So as said,  here is my other oc Amber   and also just thanks for doing all this help for all of us who post!

 

North Wisewords: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/north-wisewords-r8907