Offering OC help!

[Meson Bolt 2,648]

Ooh! Ooh! Oooooh! Do me, do me! XD

[Kronos the Revenant 1,971]

Alright, after a really long wait, here goes.

 

 

 

Name: Tesla Rae is a really cute and clever name. Not sure if Tesla exists in mlp, but whatever. The shoutout is still appreciated.

Appearance: Cute colour scheme. The purples work well with all the browns she wears. Is her hair up in a ponytail>

Cutie Mark: Good good. Not much to say other than this: I'd love to know the story of how she got her cutie mark! Remember, technology isn't terribly advanced in Equestria, and the most technological-looking thing was a cider squeezer...but even then, its powered by magic. Just make sure Tesla isn't too ahead of her time.

Personality: Not much here, but what you have so far is good. I'd like for you to flesh out her personality by asking yourself questions about Tesla--how she grew up, what she likes, how she thinks or talks...the more questions you ask yourself, (even mundane, everyday questions,) the more interesting and fleshed-out Tesla will become.

Backstory: Again, not much here. Once you get the personality rolling, the backstory should come pretty easily. Just remember--Tesla's personality is a direct product of her backstory, so the two have to match and make sense together.

Other: I'm not sure is the "steampunk" fad exists in Equestria, seeing as they are still in the actual steam age. I guess its possible.

 

Overall: Overall, Tesla is a well designed but underdeveloped character. In a story, the personality of a character is far more important than appearance, so I recommend you spend some time really solidifying who Tesla is. If you look back at the previous reviews in this thread, you'll see the advice I've given others about how to flesh out a good personality. I hope I was helpful to you--and sorry for the delay!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can see that you put a lot of work into this character, but I have a few issues with him that I assume your last reviewer might have touched on, too.

 

My main issue with this character is that he is way too reliant on canon characters to make him seem more interesting. :/ Chrysalis, Cadence, and Sombra (who was corrupted and disappeared 1000 years before the other two were born) all play an all-too vital role in his backstory, which just feels very unlikely and forced. This character is very, very much a victim or circumstance, and most of his story relies on him being pushed around by the hands of fate rather than actually doing anything himself. Plus, the computers, tech, and concept in general don't really fit into the low-tech, steam-powered and relatively peaceful world of Equestria.

Lastly, I've stated many times in this thread that Personality is the most important part of a character. It feels as though you put all of his interest into backstory and appearance instead, and because of that he doesn't seem to have a personality at all yet.

 

But all that said, Kronos is not a bad character. He just doesn't fit into the world you're trying to fit him into. I'll refer to my earlier statement:

 

 

 

 

 

In my opinion, to improve this character, you'll need to start from scratch. I understand that you're trying to make a cool, edgy, tragic character, but you need to take into account the context of the mlp world. I'm not saying its impossible to make a character like that--I'm just saying that there are a lot of limitations that you'll have to work around if you want him to seem "at home" in Equestria.

 

I can help you continue/remake this character, if you'd care to PM me. We can start from Square one and try and recreate the theme you want under some more realistic circumstances.

 

I don't see any issue with this, seeing as Manticores are canon as of episode 2.

I'm not sure exactly what a sphinx-manticore hybrid would look like, though. Why not just a sphinx? Or just a manticore? They're interesting enough on their own. If you really want both, they could be two seperate characters rather than one hybrid.

This seems like the type of character who would pose as a side-character or villain rather than the protagonist of a story--what are your plans for them? I'm sure my OC, Amber, would love to meet them!

seriously? i'm having the same exact problems with everyone else's opinions on my OC. I've had a couple of other OC's before, my first one being a special six-winged alicorn musician, but then the concept of a six-singed pony or a male alicorn in general was too stupid for the fandom anyways. my other OC was going to be a once youthful earth pony that got possessed by three very aggressive and bloodthirsty spirits and became a harbinger of destruction, but the problem i personally had with that is that i ended up creating an "overpowered" OC that can manipulate reality similarly to Discord, then i ended up thinking might as well scrap that OC as well. Kronos was supposed to be the pinnacle of my creative storytelling ability. He had so much room for development with a stern and serious soldier attitude on the outside yet having a nurturing parental instinct on the inside. He was supposed to be the amalgamation of all of my interests in terms of the MLP fandom and video games and many other aspects of my life that i found interesting. but no, he's apparently not "cannonical" to the main equestrian storyline. That one little restriction really screws up a lot of potential OCs for me.

 

Also, i always thought that OC's were supposed to be a product of the fandom that's only limited by the imagination of the creator. Apparently, though, that's clearly not the case. this is just like when i tried drawing comics in middle school. everybody hated them and always had the same negative criticism. I had really high hopes of creating something that's interesting to me and everyone else. I honestly thought that everyone in the fandom wasn't this close-minded and overly strict about creativity. I guess i was wrong. just one more thought to add to the list of all the wrong thoughts and opinions i had about everything in life. 

Edited January 12, 2016 by Kronos

[cwhip9 1,078]

howdy saw this and decided to jump on it, I feel like I may have made my OC Cresent (in link) into a gary sue by accident. Him being a vampony I know he wont fit in a lot of RP's so I could use an outside voice on him. Public or pm doesn't matter to me. Also I feel like his back story should end with him forgiving the killer...because kid show but im not sure  

 

So where to help
Backstory
Personality

 

And thanks I appreciate honesty over all

[Seraph 128]

 

I don't see any issue with this, seeing as Manticores are canon as of episode 2. 

I'm not sure exactly what a sphinx-manticore hybrid would look like, though. Why not just a sphinx? Or just a manticore? They're interesting enough on their own. If you really want both, they could be two seperate characters rather than one hybrid.

This seems like the type of character who would pose as a side-character or villain rather than the protagonist of a story--what are your plans for them? I'm sure my OC, Amber, would love to meet them!

 

 

 

Awesome

I was thinking of a Sphinx-Manticore hybrid because typically in Mythology, Manticores are monsters and quick tempered ones at that. We get one example in the show's canon of a Manticore, but we never hear it speak. I know there's one that talks in the novels that helps the princesses build their castle after they help rebuild his home but if I remember right the only reason they can understand him is because Princess Luna can understand him for some reason.  Sphinxes have yet to appear in the shows main cannon and they also have very human faces (most the time, Mythology has a lot of different faces for them), so it tends to remove the more monster like quality to them. Putting them both together makes an interesting mix of a more humanized creature and what can be viewed as a big beast. That and mixing verbal based magic of the Sphinx and the more durability as well as fierceness could lead to very interesting situations. Since the character would have to work harder to do something that may come naturally to others adding some more motivation outside of the personality I have planned.

 

Appearance wise luckily the two have several similar features so they actually work quite well mashed together, I was thinking the scorpion tail of the Manticore maybe including the plated spine armor that often runs down manticores backs (not in the show but it might work for this), The Feathered Wings of the Sphinx, The body of a lean lion (both have that anyways) with a more scruffier appearance and with more of the manticore's face but with it being a Lioness.  I hope that helps a little.

The role I was planning for them if She ever did appear in a story wouldn't be a protagonist but more so of major minor character who is guarding an area the protagonists needs to get to. I was thinking maybe something like an ancient library or the pools of memory which has recorded history of the past. Something that could be exploited if they fell into the wrong hands and she's one of those who guards it. Which is something she trained to do and was assigned to this area by a council who is in alliance with Equestria.  She guards its entrance. She won't let just anyone get go by them and at first She play an antagonistic role, keeping them from the goal because she doesn't trust them but later realizing that they aren't planning on doing anything with it that would cause harm. Maybe joining the "party of adventurers" to make sure that they get back safely or make sure they can get through the rest of the area. 

I like the idea that She's a character with a solemn duty to protect something, but She's also a little lonely because She's been doing this for so long that She haven't had very many people to talk to other than her fellow guards. I was thinking of them acting a bit cold outwardly because She doesn't want to get attached. Problem is she does actually care about the others she comes in contact with, she just worries about caring too much and people leaving or betraying her trust. I figured that'd be an understandable character trait since the character's job is basically not not trust anyone and give anyone grief for trying to get passed her. So she has a natural suspicion about everyone. If I wrote her extensively she'd end up opening up, since she is a friendly beastie despite her lack of trust issues. Probably with the power of friendship because you know friendship is magic and all that

Those are just my general ideas.

Edited January 12, 2016 by Seraph

[AmberDust 1,118]

 

Hi! My oc is a bit of a bad one in terms of story sometimes.

Well, let's have a look-see.

 

 

 

Name: Vladicarus? Like "Vlad the impaler" combines with "Icarus"? It's an interesting concept, but to me doesn't feel too pony-like.

Appearance: Nice colour scheme. I think it fits together really well, and isn't too edgy. I still am unsure as to whether batponies really exist in Equestria. I feel like it might just be a one-time thing. Flutterbat was an angry, feral experiment-gone-wrong, so I kind of doubt that batponies even exist in nature, nevermind co-exist with ponies. :/ But that's all just my own speculation. Either way, i really like this design!

Cutie Mark: Looks cool, but what is it? What does it signify? How did he get it?

Personality: In my opinion, personality is the most important aspect of a character, so i'm interested in knowing more about him. His personality is pretty easy to imagine, given the trait list you've provided, but I'd like to see a little more depth. How did he become the way he is? How does he act when he's around others? What are his hobbies? Asking questions is a good way to keep developing personality.

Backstory: Was he born on this pirate ship? Like, is his mother a pirate? It seems odd that a colt who fled from pirates would ever want to associate with them again...you know? I mean, I can see him becoming a sailor who explores and such, but pirates are people who steal and kill and all that. You'd figure his mom would pound that lesson into his head, since she seemed rather against the whole thing.

It's a fine story, though. Just a few inconsistencies should be cleared up.

Other: Aaaw, Snuggleknight!

Overall: He's a fine character, but a work in progress. I'd suggest you further develop his personality, and maybe clean up his backstory a bit so its more consistent. Also, remember: a character's personality is a direct product of their backstory, so make sure it makes sense. I might consider changing his name, too.

Also, is there any reason in particular that you made him a batpony? I mean, winged ponies can just fly wherever they want--there's no need for sailing. I think it could be worth considering turning him into an Earth Pony or even a Unicorn.    Just a thought.

 

 

My my, good memories. I used to review characters like this a lot, and now I'm turning to someone for a critique? My gosh, this should be good fun!

 

Okay, first things first, I'd like to get this out of the way. The main thing I want critiqued is my OC's physical appearance -- design, color scheme, that sort of thing, as well as personality. However, since I'm seeing that you're doing full-on character reviews, I think it'd be okay to push forward her entire character sheet. You don't have to do it all if you don't want to, I'm just seeing if you have any commentaries.

 

Also, keep in mind this is a Fallout: Equestria character. However, you don't have to know all about Fallout: Equestria to review the character. The basic things you need to know are that a] a stable is a massive protective shelter, b] survival and combat are a big part of the story, and c] there is an actual story that this character fits into, so there will be spoilers. Again, the main things I want critiqued are physical design and personality.

 

Right, without any further ado, enter Foray!

 

 

^^' Mmm...I think I'll just critique her appearance and personality, seeing as I know nothing about Fallout: Equestria, and also...

 

 

 

Thirdly, I'll be critiquing your OC's under the assumption that you want them to be able to fit into the realm of canon. So, basically, I'll assume they're an mlp fim OC, and not, say, a Resident Evil OC in the shape of a pony.

 

 

I'd say her design and colour scheme is very nice! Somewhat Katniss-like, what with the clothes and the braid, but I don't see that as a problem. I think the colours are well-balanced between bold and subdued tones--something I seriously need to learn for my characters! I just want to point out that typically a unicorn's magic colour will match a colour on their cutie mark, rather than their eyes...although, I suppose Sweetie Belle broke that rule already. :/ Nevermind, I guess.

The cutie mark is nice. Cute design, good symbology.

 

I like her personality. It feels very real, and has a good depth too it. You can always add more detail, of course, but what you have already is pretty good!

I'm sorry i can't really review the rest of her for you. ^^'

Edited January 12, 2016 by AmberDust

[Meson Bolt 2,648]

seriously? i'm having the same exact problems with everyone else's opinions on my OC. I've had a couple of other OC's before, my first one being a special six-winged alicorn musician, but then the concept of a six-singed pony or a male alicorn in general was too stupid for the fandom anyways. my other OC was going to be a once youthful earth pony that got possessed by three very aggressive and bloodthirsty spirits and became a harbinger of destruction, but the problem i personally had with that is that i ended up creating an "overpowered" OC that can manipulate reality similarly to Discord, then i ended up thinking might as well scrap that OC as well. Kronos was supposed to be the pinnacle of my creative storytelling ability. He had so much room for development with a stern and serious soldier attitude on the outside yet having a nurturing parental instinct on the inside. He was supposed to be the amalgamation of all of my interests in terms of the MLP fandom and video games and many other aspects of my life that i found interesting. but no, he's apparently not "cannonical" to the main equestrian storyline. That one little restriction really screws up a lot of potential OCs for me.

 

Also, i always thought that OC's were supposed to be a product of the fandom that's only limited by the imagination of the creator. Apparently, though, that's clearly not the case. this is just like when i tried drawing comics in middle school. everybody hated them and always had the same negative criticism. I had really high hopes of creating something that's interesting to me and everyone else. I honestly thought that everyone in the fandom wasn't this close-minded and overly strict about creativity. I guess i was wrong. just one more thought to add to the list of all the wrong thoughts and opinions i had about everything in life. 

 

*sigh*

 

I don't generally like to say "I know how you feel", because I'm not you and I don't know exactly how you feel, but I think in this case, it's safe to say it. I know how you feel.

 

I've been writing for 12 years now. I wouldn't say that I'm a veteran writer -- heck no, I'm horrible -- but I have a general knowledge of what works and what doesn't. Yes, I know that most people are a bit overbearing when it comes to messing with canon and crossovers and everything like that. In fact, I had a scenario almost exactly like that a couple of weeks ago.

 

Let me ask you this real quick. I've written (or at least started work on) two different stories, and I want you to tell me which one sounds more interesting, m'kay?

 

1) A story about a mute pegasus who's trying to cope with her disability. At the same time, she's moved to a different town and trying to get a job in order to support her parents, one of which has cancer, and the other is also disabled. She's also coping with feelings of guilt for driving her caretaker into financial trouble and mental issues, as well as trying to convince her father that he's not completely worthless.

 

2) A story about five friends trying to survive in a nuclear wasteland. The group split up after one of the members was attacked by giant sentient insects and believed to be dead. Eventually the friends find themselves on opposite sides of a battlefield, engaged in an all-out war between opposing factions. The fifth pony is caught in the crossfire, and must do her best to convince both sides to stop fighting for the good of the townsfolk.

 

Both stories (in my opinion) are equally creative, and they both fit into their respective canon universes. But which one's more interesting? The one with everyday ponyfolk, or the one with all-out nuclear war? Chances are you'll find the second one much more entertaining.

 

My point is this: Have fun with your OC. Go crazy with your ideas. Chances are, you're the only one who's ever had that exact idea. Own it. Make it yours, make it into a story, franchise your work. If people don't like your OC or your story just because it's "different", then that's their fault.

 

Now, I'm not saying it's okay to make a Mary-Sue; heavens no. I'm saying that it's okay to be creative. The point of writing is to have fun. If you're having fun with an idea, roll with it! Don't let other people tell you what you can and can't enjoy.

 

That being said, I've been reviewing characters for almost three years now. If you want, shoot me a PM and we can work over your character. I've got very little to do today, so I'll be more than happy to help.

 

Stay frosty!

Edited January 12, 2016 by Meson Bolt

[Wicked Funky 2,955]

If you're up for it, could you take a look at one of my OC's?

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/afterglow-r9140

 

By the way, the name Afterglow is refering her color scheme. Afterglow is the orange/ pink/ purple light that can be seen after the sun has set/ is setting 

Edited January 12, 2016 by Wicked Funky

[AmberDust 1,118]

seriously? i'm having the same exact problems with everyone else's opinions on my OC. I've had a couple of other OC's before, my first one being a special six-winged alicorn musician, but then the concept of a six-singed pony or a male alicorn in general was too stupid for the fandom anyways. my other OC was going to be a once youthful earth pony that got possessed by three very aggressive and bloodthirsty spirits and became a harbinger of destruction, but the problem i personally had with that is that i ended up creating an "overpowered" OC that can manipulate reality similarly to Discord, then i ended up thinking might as well scrap that OC as well. Kronos was supposed to be the pinnacle of my creative storytelling ability. He had so much room for development with a stern and serious soldier attitude on the outside yet having a nurturing parental instinct on the inside. He was supposed to be the amalgamation of all of my interests in terms of the MLP fandom and video games and many other aspects of my life that i found interesting. but no, he's apparently not "cannonical" to the main equestrian storyline. That one little restriction really screws up a lot of potential OCs for me.

 

*Also, i always thought that OC's were supposed to be a product of the fandom that's only limited by the imagination of the creator. Apparently, though, that's clearly not the case. this is just like when i tried drawing comics in middle school. everybody hated them and always had the same negative criticism. I had really high hopes of creating something that's interesting to me and everyone else. ** I honestly thought that everyone in the fandom wasn't this close-minded and overly strict about creativity. I guess i was wrong. just one more thought to add to the list of all the wrong thoughts and opinions i had about everything in life. 

 

**Now, there's no need for that guilt-tripping. We are not trying to muffle your creativity, we are just trying to give you the help you've asked for. If other critics are saying the same things about your character, perhaps you ought to give their advice a chance rather than get upset about it.

*I think the main issue is that you're trying to make your character so cool and dark and packed full of drama that they don't really fit into the mlp world, and therefore don't really have a reason to be in said world. Right? Your stories and characters are allowed to make full use of your imagination, interests, and personal experience, but as soon as you tie it to another work of fiction (in this case, mlp,) you need to make sure it fits into that world--otherwise, there's really no point in tying him to that world at all, right? Again, we're not trying to muffle your creativity--we're trying to teach you how to adapt and how to make a balanced, believable character.

 

Now, characters like the ones you've described aren't necessarily bad, they're just better off in their own world, a world of your creation, so you don't have to constrain them to the laws of another fictional universe. That said, if you really do want to make a character that can fit into the world of mlp (for roleplay or what have you), I can certainly help you out if you just shoot me a PM.

 

Another thing I want to point out about this type of character is this: A character who creates action is typically far more interesting than a character who receives action. Sure, every story needs its driving force to start out. but if a character is just being pushed around by fate for its whole life, readers are going to have a really hard time relating to or caring about them. Characters need to make their own decisions and their own mistakes in order to feel "real".

[Meson Bolt 2,648]

@@AmberDust

 

Yeah, what you said... sorry... didn't mean to go on a rant.

[BrainStormPony 4]

Okay, wow. 

Um I'm not new to the fandom I guess. I'm 16 and a GIRL so I guess that makes me a Pegasister?

I have been looking for a site where I could get more into the group and subculture. I joined about two minutes ago and I'm just trying to get a feel for how things work. I have to OC's that I mainly use. Peach Blossom who is a Pegasus, and Brainstorm the Alicorn. Both are female. I was just wondering if I could get some pointers on them? I'm also a furry, that's also why I joined this site, there wasn't much for MLP fans, or that I could find on Furaffinity. Which brings me to another point, I'd like a ponysuit of either one of my OCs or of Big Macintosh my favorite canon character, next to Fluttershy. However I can't find a 'maker' so any suggestions would help. So um pm me?

 

Also the creator of this forum pm me? If that's a thing here? If that's a thing?   

[AmberDust 1,118]

howdy saw this and decided to jump on it, I feel like I may have made my OC Cresent (in link) into a gary sue by accident. Him being a vampony I know he wont fit in a lot of RP's so I could use an outside voice on him. Public or pm doesn't matter to me. Also I feel like his back story should end with him forgiving the killer...because kid show but im not sure  

 

So where to help

Backstory

Personality

 

And thanks I appreciate honesty over all

 

You want honesty? Well, you're gonna get it! *cracks knuckles*

 

 

 

Well, I'm gonna start off by saying that I never really jumped aboard the vampire-bat-pony bandwagon. In my mind, Flutterbat was a one-time case. She was a magical experiment gone wrong, and she was fixed soon after. Also, she was completely feral and mindless, so even if vampire-bat-ponies did exist, I doubt they'd live like regular ponies. :/ that's just my speculation, though. Rant over!

Name: Crescent. Simple enough. Nothing really to say on the matter.

Appearance: I feel like the black hooves off-balance him a little, but otherwise the colour scheme seems fine to me. Perhaps change the hooves to off-white rather than black?

Cutie Mark: Can cutie marks be burnt off? How did he get his? Why was he forced out of his job?

Personality: What you have so far is good, but some of the aspecrts contradict each other (calm vs. paranoid, for instance). Since personality is the most important part of a character, I think you'd benefit from fleshing him out a little more, beyond just a list of traits. Ask yourself questions about him to start yourself off. For example: what are Crescent's hobbies? Make sure that his personality matches his backstory, since he is a direct product of his past experiences.

Backstory: What is this Night Guard? Do you mean Princess Luna's guards? Remember, She was banished to the moon for the past 1000 years, up until only 2 years ago, so your timelines might not line up. You could very easily change him to a regular pony, though, and have his parents be Celestia's guards instead. Moving on...

Did he lose his cutie mark when he was still just a colt? Did he already have a job at that age?

Also, vampire-hunters don't seem like the kind of thing that would exist in Equestria...

What was the accident that occurred during tryouts for Night Guard?

This backstory seems very chocked full of vampire drama, so I guess I'm having a hard time enjoying it since I don't think vampires really exist in this happy-go-lucky pony world. :/

Other: The gauntlet seems unnecessary, and kind of unlikely. The vampire powers seem suitable though.

Overall: Overall, this character isn't a Gary Stu...he's just a little messy. I suggest looking over this character a few more times, and fixing up some of the inconsistencies, as well as removing the unnecessary bits. also, for future characters, keep in mind that an interesting personality is waay better and more relatable than an interesting backstory. Readers will care more about your character if they can relate to the choices they make, rather than just marvel at the things that have happened to them. Basically, a character that creates action is better than a character that receives action.

 

 

Edited January 12, 2016 by AmberDust

[Meson Bolt 2,648]

I'd say her design and colour scheme is very nice! Somewhat Katniss-like, what with the clothes and the braid, but I don't see that as a problem. I think the colours are well-balanced between bold and subdued tones--something I seriously need to learn for my characters! I just want to point out that typically a unicorn's magic colour will match a colour on their cutie mark, rather than their eyes...although, I suppose Sweetie Belle broke that rule already. :/ Nevermind, I guess.

The cutie mark is nice. Cute design, good symbology.

 

I like her personality. It feels very real, and has a good depth too it. You can always add more detail, of course, but what you have already is pretty good!

I'm sorry i can't really review the rest of her for you. ^^'

 

For some reason, I didn't get notified when you did this. Probably because you edited the post instead of actually making a new one. In the future, you might want to just make a completely new post instead of editing it, because editing with a quote doesn't notify the guy you quoted. Just a suggestion.

 

Anyway, danke sehr for doing this! I honestly wasn't expecting such a positive response, seeing as this is one of my... well, lesser-improved-upon characters, but I'm glad you think so highly of her. (And, just for the record, her freckles were actually inspired by your OC, so thanks for that! XD)

 

I actually thought that the magic color was supposed to match the eye color... guess I was wrong. But then again, green magic glow looks better with her than red or yellow...

 

If you have some time, I have a few more characters you could critique; well, one in particular. Let me know if you're up for it and I'll shoot you a link, m'kay?

 

Stay frosty!

[AmberDust 1,118]

If you're up for it, could you take a look at one of my OC's?

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/afterglow-r9140

 

By the way, the name Afterglow is refering her color scheme. Afterglow is the orange/ pink/ purple light that can be seen after the sun has set/ is setting 

Mmm...that's not what Afterglow means, but ok. Let's go!

 

 

 

Name: Sounds cool. Ponyish enough.

Appearance: Very cute! Looks like it took some inspiration from Scootaloo, and the extra colours you've added in work well with the bold orange and magenta. Nice mane, too, althougt I don't quite understand how it works in the drawing.

Cutie Mark: It's a cool concept, I like it! Much better than just a music note. However, you might want to keep it just one colour. An orange equalizer bar would be hard to see on an orange coat, after all. Maybe just teal would be good? I'm not sure if you really need to tie her down-to-earth-ness into the cutie mark story, since it doesn't quite make sense. Also, how did he get her cutie mark?

Personality: I think you did a very good job creating her personality! I appreciate that it goes beyond just "tomboy", and how you added interesting layers like "pacifist" and "good judge of character". I'd say you're on the right track!

Backstory: I was on board with this backstory until I read this:  "The father in the family owned a currupt business that manifactured weapons for criminal organisations". My issue with this isn't the theme, but rather, the context. Never in mlp have we even seen a weapon, nor a criminal organization, so this is just a little hard to believe. Also, it seems very unlikely that a young filly would so easily find out this information. Perhaps you could consider changing this to something a little lower-key to make it more believable. :/ Also, it seems a little odd to me that this musician is working for families rather than events or companies. Like, does she just sit in their living room playing piano all day? This might need some reconsideration, too. Aaah, so that's how she got her cutie mark. How old is she at this point? A Cutie Mark usually appears when you're rather young.

 

Overall: I like this character. She has an interesting personality and an interesting backstory, and the only issues I see are easily fixed. If you need any more help or advice, I'd gladly supply it!

 

 

For some reason, I didn't get notified when you did this. Probably because you edited the post instead of actually making a new one. In the future, you might want to just make a completely new post instead of editing it, because editing with a quote doesn't notify the guy you quoted. Just a suggestion.

 

It automatically merged my posts together. In fact, it did it again with THIS post. sigh.

 

 

(And, just for the record, her freckles were actually inspired by your OC, so thanks for that! XD)   I actually thought that the magic color was supposed to match the eye color... guess I was wrong. But then again, green magic glow looks better with her than red or yellow...   If you have some time, I have a few more characters you could critique; well, one in particular. Let me know if you're up for it and I'll shoot you a link, m'kay?   Stay frosty!

 

The freckles were inspired by Amber? Wow!

And sure, go ahead and PM me if you want me to check out these other characters. 

Edited January 12, 2016 by AmberDust

[Izanagi 176]

 

 

 

Well, let's have a look-see.

 

 

 

Name: Vladicarus? Like "Vlad the impaler" combines with "Icarus"? It's an interesting concept, but to me doesn't feel too pony-like.

Appearance: Nice colour scheme. I think it fits together really well, and isn't too edgy. I still am unsure as to whether batponies really exist in Equestria. I feel like it might just be a one-time thing. Flutterbat was an angry, feral experiment-gone-wrong, so I kind of doubt that batponies even exist in nature, nevermind co-exist with ponies. :/ But that's all just my own speculation. Either way, i really like this design!

Cutie Mark: Looks cool, but what is it? What does it signify? How did he get it?

Personality: In my opinion, personality is the most important aspect of a character, so i'm interested in knowing more about him. His personality is pretty easy to imagine, given the trait list you've provided, but I'd like to see a little more depth. How did he become the way he is? How does he act when he's around others? What are his hobbies? Asking questions is a good way to keep developing personality.

Backstory: Was he born on this pirate ship? Like, is his mother a pirate? It seems odd that a colt who fled from pirates would ever want to associate with them again...you know? I mean, I can see him becoming a sailor who explores and such, but pirates are people who steal and kill and all that. You'd figure his mom would pound that lesson into his head, since she seemed rather against the whole thing.

It's a fine story, though. Just a few inconsistencies should be cleared up.

Other: Aaaw, Snuggleknight!

Overall: He's a fine character, but a work in progress. I'd suggest you further develop his personality, and maybe clean up his backstory a bit so its more consistent. Also, remember: a character's personality is a direct product of their backstory, so make sure it makes sense. I might consider changing his name, too.

Also, is there any reason in particular that you made him a batpony? I mean, winged ponies can just fly wherever they want--there's no need for sailing. I think it could be worth considering turning him into an Earth Pony or even a Unicorn.    Just a thought.

 

 

 

 

^^' Mmm...I think I'll just critique her appearance and personality, seeing as I know nothing about Fallout: Equestria, and also...

 

 

 

 

 

I'd say her design and colour scheme is very nice! Somewhat Katniss-like, what with the clothes and the braid, but I don't see that as a problem. I think the colours are well-balanced between bold and subdued tones--something I seriously need to learn for my characters! I just want to point out that typically a unicorn's magic colour will match a colour on their cutie mark, rather than their eyes...although, I suppose Sweetie Belle broke that rule already. :/ Nevermind, I guess.

The cutie mark is nice. Cute design, good symbology.

 

I like her personality. It feels very real, and has a good depth too it. You can always add more detail, of course, but what you have already is pretty good!

I'm sorry i can't really review the rest of her for you. ^^'

 

well, i can clean up a few of the things you said =3 for one, the reason he became a pirate, was because he was a baby, and he..doesn't really remember that. and so his mother never told hm and his life just went like that =3 also, batponies are a thing, Luna's guards are that of batponies :3

[Kronos the Revenant 1,971]

**Now, there's no need for that guilt-tripping. We are not trying to muffle your creativity, we are just trying to give you the help you've asked for. If other critics are saying the same things about your character, perhaps you ought to give their advice a chance rather than get upset about it.

*I think the main issue is that you're trying to make your character so cool and dark and packed full of drama that they don't really fit into the mlp world, and therefore don't really have a reason to be in said world. Right? Your stories and characters are allowed to make full use of your imagination, interests, and personal experience, but as soon as you tie it to another work of fiction (in this case, mlp,) you need to make sure it fits into that world--otherwise, there's really no point in tying him to that world at all, right? Again, we're not trying to muffle your creativity--we're trying to teach you how to adapt and how to make a balanced, believable character.

 

Now, characters like the ones you've described aren't necessarily bad, they're just better off in their own world, a world of your creation, so you don't have to constrain them to the laws of another fictional universe. That said, if you really do want to make a character that can fit into the world of mlp (for roleplay or what have you), I can certainly help you out if you just shoot me a PM.

 

Another thing I want to point out about this type of character is this: A character who creates action is typically far more interesting than a character who receives action. Sure, every story needs its driving force to start out. but if a character is just being pushed around by fate for its whole life, readers are going to have a really hard time relating to or caring about them. Characters need to make their own decisions and their own mistakes in order to feel "real".

well, he has received action, however, he's more than capable of dishing out more action than he's received. Plus, with the help of someone else, he/she helped me understand the fatal flaws of my character and i revamped his backstory a little bit. It mostly involved severing Kronos' personal ties with Sombra and Chrysalis entirely and making his parents anonymous instead and i clarified that his backstory isn't tragic, but rather his life was rather glorious because he's from an isolated community where soldiers are highly regarded and he's the best of the best in terms of being a soldier.

[AmberDust 1,118]

 

 

Luna's guards are that of batponies

I always forget about Luna's guards!

I imagine they aren't vampiric, though. 

[inactive user 79]

I haven't made a character page for him, but I'd like some input on this OC of mine:

 

 

 

 

I've called this lil guy Cloud Inkwell for the longest time but thinking back now I don't entirely like the name.

 

I've asked a bunch of people and the closest thing I've gotten to a good name is Cirrus Cloud but it doesn't reflect his character that well.

 

Speaking of, Cloud is a quick-witted pegasus, who has spent his life gaining street smarts in Las Pegasus, a cloud city in Neighvada (this is just my headcanon, that Las Pegasus is a cloud city). He was born with very feminine colours but for the most part it hasn't bothered him, since in his school there were a lot of very odd foals. He didn't completely evade bullying and teasing, but he quickly learnt to get used to it and be able to fight back. 

 

The reason he doesn't have a cutie mark in the picture isn't because I was too lazy to make one, but because he is one of the few blank-flank adult ponies in Equestria, since he never quite figured out his special talent as a foal (I know what it actually is, but since I created this OC for a story, he doesn't get it until later on in his life). 

 

Due to his surroundings and the slightly rocky upbringing he had, Cloud is a cynic and often assumes the worst in people, which frequently hurts his chances with potential friends and partners (although he eventually found a grape farmer that later becomes his wife). On the bright side, he loves making jokes and injecting his own sense of humour into dull or depressing situations, even if he's a bit of a misanthropist...or would that be a misponyist? Nevermind. 

 

He works as a journalist for the astrology magazine Twinkle at Inkpot Inc., a popular publishers in Las Pegasus, but he doesn't really feel that passionate about his job. It pays the bills, he always says. 

 

In his first year working for them, he and the other Twinkle employees had a strong rivalry with the fashion magazine Trend's writers, especially the zealous Coffee Cream, but after Cloud's assignment to Canterlot to get an exclusive interview with Her Majesty Princess Luna gained him much recognition as an exceedingly competent journalist, they had a newfound respect for each other, and Cloud and Coffee Cream quickly became best friends. 

 

Cloud usually wears a black suit to cover up his flank and conceal the absence of a cutie mark, and always has an excuse as to why he can't answer people's inquiries as to what his cutie mark is, like needing to go to the bathroom or being super busy. 

 

His girlfriend and later wife, Grapevine, is a gossipy, girly, rather masculine-looking mare who is one of the key reasons that Cloud continues to go about his life with even the vaguest smile on his face.

 

Really, my only problem is the name. I want to keep the word 'Cloud' because of his colour scheme and his deep roots in the sky, but I need some other sort of word to spice that up a little. Could you help with that?

Edited January 13, 2016 by Poet Flame

[Izanagi 176]

I always forget about Luna's guards!

I imagine they aren't vampiric, though. 

I tend to mix the two, only mostly because they have fangs. Fluttershy wasn't really a vampire, just a fruit bat. tad different, but i just like the thought of imagining the guards drinking blood at times :3 

[cwhip9 1,078]

You want honesty? Well, you're gonna get it! *cracks knuckles*

 

 

 

Well, I'm gonna start off by saying that I never really jumped aboard the vampire-bat-pony bandwagon. In my mind, Flutterbat was a one-time case. She was a magical experiment gone wrong, and she was fixed soon after. Also, she was completely feral and mindless, so even if vampire-bat-ponies did exist, I doubt they'd live like regular ponies. :/ that's just my speculation, though. Rant over!

Name: Crescent. Simple enough. Nothing really to say on the matter.

Appearance: I feel like the black hooves off-balance him a little, but otherwise the colour scheme seems fine to me. Perhaps change the hooves to off-white rather than black?

Cutie Mark: Can cutie marks be burnt off? How did he get his? Why was he forced out of his job?

Personality: What you have so far is good, but some of the aspecrts contradict each other (calm vs. paranoid, for instance). Since personality is the most important part of a character, I think you'd benefit from fleshing him out a little more, beyond just a list of traits. Ask yourself questions about him to start yourself off. For example: what are Crescent's hobbies? Make sure that his personality matches his backstory, since he is a direct product of his past experiences.

Backstory: What is this Night Guard? Do you mean Princess Luna's guards? Remember, She was banished to the moon for the past 1000 years, up until only 2 years ago, so your timelines might not line up. You could very easily change him to a regular pony, though, and have his parents be Celestia's guards instead. Moving on...

Did he lose his cutie mark when he was still just a colt? Did he already have a job at that age?

Also, vampire-hunters don't seem like the kind of thing that would exist in Equestria...

What was the accident that occurred during tryouts for Night Guard?

This backstory seems very chocked full of vampire drama, so I guess I'm having a hard time enjoying it since I don't think vampires really exist in this happy-go-lucky pony world. :/

Other: The gauntlet seems unnecessary, and kind of unlikely. The vampire powers seem suitable though.

Overall: Overall, this character isn't a Gary Stu...he's just a little messy. I suggest looking over this character a few more times, and fixing up some of the inconsistencies, as well as removing the unnecessary bits. also, for future characters, keep in mind that an interesting personality is waay better and more relatable than an interesting backstory. Readers will care more about your character if they can relate to the choices they make, rather than just marvel at the things that have happened to them. Basically, a character that creates action is better than a character that receives action.

 

 

woot he's not a gary sue! thanks for the input. for your questions on the vampire bit I original made him mostly for darker themes in the mlp world that could come out, but I do see how I could turn him into a regular earth pony. The design's scheme I will think about the white hoofs bit not sure if will change that or not  

 

the backstory....ya I did leave more holes then there should be i'll fill them in.

 

the cuti burn off, I honestly have no idea if they could be burnt off but we have seen them jinxed off (or what ever she was doing to them)  so it wouldn't be that far of a stretch

 

again thanks for the input

[Lonk Chase 255]

*slowly raises hand*

 

It's in my signature.

It's not great, but I want to know if there is at least some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Some trouble areas:

-Color

-Backstory

 

Also, could you PM me instead of reply to the topic please? Thanks.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Lonk Chase

[AmberDust 1,118]

@@Poet Flame,

 

Sorry for the delay. I've been away from the forums for a bit.

Anyhoo, let's get to it.

 

 

 

Edit: I realize now that you only wanted help on the name. I'm gonna leave the rest of this here, anyways, but feel free to ignore it. ^^"

 

Name: I'm not too fond of the name "Cloud Inkwell" either-- it doesn't feel very unified. "Cirrus Cloud" feels a bit too general-pegasus-y and doesn't really suit him, I agree.

How about...Pinkwell? Or Cloud Snap? Cloudy quote? Cloudy Quill? Something related to his profession as a reporter...or his pinkness. I don't think the word "Cloud" is 100% necessary, as it kind of narrows your options out.

 

Appearance: Cute, simple. His hair's a bit generic, but otherwise, no complaints. What colour are his eyes?

Cutie Mark: I frankly object to the idea of a grown pony without a cutie mark. It simply can't be so. A cutie mark is like pony puberty. It's inevitable. I direct you here for more cutie-mark help.

If you really want him to be uncertain about his destiny, or be embarrassed about his mark, simply give him a cutie mark that's hard for him to understand. Think Diamond Tiara: her mark shows a physical object, but she didn't recognize the symbolism behind it until later on.

Personality: Cynicism and "injecting his own sense of humour into dull or depressing situations" seem slightly contradictory, as do his humour/misanthropy. It might be worthwhile to further explain some of the more "situational" bits of his personality so its easier to tell which aspects are more prevalent. Personality is the most important part of a character, so I suggest you keep developing his by asking yourself questions about him and by putting him into situations in your mind and seeing how he responds to therm. What you have so far is a great jumping-off point.

Backstory: So, what are the details of this rocky upbringing? How did he become the way he is? Tune in next time on Dragon Ball Z!!

The astrology (not astronomy?) magazine is a cool angle. I wonder if he's interested in astrology at all, and what kind of things he reports on. It seems sort of odd for an astrology magazine to compete with a pop-culture magazine, though. perhaps you should change it so that they're a little closer subject-wise. Like...astrology vs. astronomy, or astrology vs. fortune-telling? This would also be an excuse for Coffee Cream and Inkwell to meet each other during their investigations.

 

Overall: I think this character has a little ways to go in terms of personality development before he's ready to b the main character of a story. Then again, I guess that's what rough drafts are for. I'd love to read it when you're ready!

 

 

[Meson Bolt 2,648]

Hey Amber!

 

So last time we spoke, I had you review Foray. I've another character from the same series and I'd like very much for you to review her... the whole bio this time.

 

Yeah, I know you're not much into FoE, but this bio describes her before the events of the Fallout, so I'd like you to look at her as just a normal, everyday MLP OC. Could you do that for me, please?

 

(I know the picture is an FoE picture, but that's not the point)

 

Without further ado, enter Minutemare!

 

 

 

Character Name: Minutemare

 

Gender: Mare (Female)

 

Species: Pegasus Pony

 

Age: Mature Adult (20-25 HEQ)

 

Physical Appearance: Minutemare is a dark blue-gray pegasus with a dual-tone short black mane and tail. Both her mane and tail have naturally occurring single bright red-orange streaks. Her eyes are just barely heterochromatic, with her right eye being deep blue violet, and her left eye being more violet than the other. She keeps her mane combed in an asymmetrical manner to avoid her heterochromia coming to light. She has a notable scar on her face that was caused by three separate cuts.

 

Cutie Mark: Minutemare's cutie mark is an hourglass. She earned her cutie mark when she successfully rescued four ponies from a tornado.

 

Talents: Minutemare's talent, as implied by her name, is speed. Her high athleticism and keen eye makes her the perfect pony for search-and-rescue operations. She is also known to have great strength, both in her wings and in her hooves. Her cutie mark also symbolizes her quick temper, impulsiveness, and hasty decision making.

 

Personality: Minutemare is energetic, brave, and confident. Aggressive by nature, impeccably loyal and brutally honest, she generally displays her feelings for her friends with gratuitous amounts of sarcasm and even some playful physical contact. Because of her upbringing, she is secretly desperate for any form of affection -- this desire occasionally manifests as flirtiness.

 

Minutemare is also known to be extremely cocky, brash, and reckless. She has little knowledge of or care for the consequences of her actions, which more than often can get her and her friends into trouble. When somepony else is at fault, she is quick to blame, criticize, and even attack the one who screwed up. She has a hard time bonding with outsiders and generally sticks to her clique.

 

Backstory: Born illegitimately in Ponyville to earth-bound parents, Minutemare was sent off to Cloudsdale as a filly for her flight training, and was to stay with a Lieutenant Uber Pferde. Though Uber was her first actual parental figure, he was less of a loving and caring father and more of an executive commander -- distant, strict, and cold towards her, although under his training she became one of the best flyers in the camp. Upon returning to Ponyville after completing flight camp, she discovered that her parents had gone their separate ways and completely abandoned her. After both she and Uber moved to Des Manes to form a new aerial squad, she achieved the rank of first lieutenant before the war began.

 

Other:

• Minutemare is meant to be the foal of Volatile, an earth pony OC by the same author, and Minuette, a canon background pony. This is evident due to the streak in her mane, her eye color, her name, and even her cutie mark.
• Minutemare is very close-mouthed about the scar on her face because she thinks it looks cool, and she is embarrassed of how she got it. It is the result of a less than pleasant incident involving a house cat.
• Minutemare makes a cameo appearance in an unfinished work by the same author. She is shown to be working with a pony named Straight Shot during a hotel fire.
• It's hard to tell from just a casual observation, but Minutemare is clearly left-hoofed. She wears her pipbuck on her left hoof, views the world primarily through her left eye, and swings left.

 

 

[redshell 195]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/hidden-heart-r8824

 

Could you please help me with developing her backstory?

[AmberDust 1,118]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/hidden-heart-r8824

 

Could you please help me with developing her backstory?

I think your OC has quite a bit of developing to do before I'm able to help you with it. Maybe you ought to try out some ideas and flesh her out a bit before asking for help--otherwise she'll be more mine than yours. ^^'

[El Duderino 879]

Can you take a look at this OC?

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/thoroughbrew-r9014

 

I am happy with his personality/backstory, but appreciate any constructive criticism.

However, I am not happy with his design. I have redesigned him a few times and tried several different color schemes, but I am still not happy. I settled for his current design because I didn't hate it, but I don't love it.