A stranger in a strange land

[chefmac 100]

So I have never written a fan fiction of any kind so this should be interesting. it is just a start but I am willing to take some feed back good or bad. so here we go...'

 

The sky was black and dreary as Bryan drove his beat up pick up truck through the stormy night. Lightning was crashing all around and the only company he had was the country radio and the thought of a warm bed in his apartment.

"Another day in the life of a Navy cook" He said as the tires spun on the lonely road.

"Only twenty minutes to go." he thought as the gas light came on the last thing he wanted to do was to stop. But Bryan knew that an extra five minutes is worth it than two hours for a tow.

As he was filling up, a woman approached him and asked for money for food. He said, " Have no money, but here" as he pulled out a leftover sandwich and a new water "this is all I have" as the woman took it she handed his a patch of Fluttershy as a sign of gratitude. Before he could thank her she was gone. He climbed back into his truck and placed the patch on the dash board.

"Now I have one more piece of company to share this lonely drive with"

Back on the road rain acting like a curtain on his windshield Lightning now flashing like cameras at a movie premier. Suddenly the radio went out and loud static replaced his country music. When CRASH!! A bright blue light was now in front of him in a panic he slammed on his breaks! Yelling and swerving his truck was engulfed by the light and vanished.

Bryan slowly opened his eyes and was overwhelmed by what he was seeing the world was full of life and color not like he had ever seen he thought is was best to hide the truck. As soon as the camouflage was in place, Bryan began to walk taking into account of the events that lead him to this strange land.

"This can't be real, this is a dream I'm dreaming… or dead."

Watching the clouds he had the strange feeling that one was following him. He stopped, it stopped, forward, back side to side he knew it was following. He made a break for the trees to escape the stalking cloud running through the trees he halted to gaze upon the town at the bottom of the hill. There was a soft voice behind him "Um… Hello" he turned to find a small horse a yellow pink haired pony with a slight shy complexion. she softly spoke again "who or what are you?" before she got an answer, the stranger fainted.

 

Like I said a work in progress feedback is requested

Edited March 26, 2015 by chefmac

[Civviq Writer 114]

Ah, it's a good start! Where will you be posting this?

 

Also, a bit of advice: about your 'speech sentences', you do this:

 

 

"Another day in the life of a Navy cook" He said as the tires spun on the lonely road.

 

 

Now, you could also write it like this:

 

"Another day in the life of a Navy cook," he said, as the tires spun on the lonely road.

 

That looks a bit better and is more readable. Also, remember to paragraph:  put a vertical space between paragraphs. Otherwise, you'll be looking at a wall of text, which isn't really readable.

This is for speech too: a new speaker, a new paragraph.

 

I hope this helps you a bit!

 

~Civviq Writer

 

P.S. I'm a reviewer on FimFiction. If you don't know where to post your stories, I recommend checking the site out, fimfiction.net!

Edited March 26, 2015 by Civviq Writer

[chefmac 100]

Ah, it's a good start! Where will you be posting this?

 

Also, a bit of advice: about your 'speech sentences', you do this:

 

 

Now, you could also write it like this:

 

"Another day in the life of a Navy cook," he said, as the tires spun on the lonely road.

 

Thanks for the advice will continue the story with the changes.

[Civviq Writer 114]

You're welcome, but - on which site will you post it? Fimfiction? Fanfiction?

[chefmac 100]

You're welcome, but - on which site will you post it? Fimfiction? Fanfiction?

More than likely fimfiction

[Civviq Writer 114]

More than likely fimfiction

 

Allright then!   If you've uploaded it, tell me! I'd like to see it ^^)