critique wanted Some feed back on my oc?

[Izanagi 176]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/vladicarus-r8889

here is all the infomation on Vladicarus on this page. I just want some people to critque him and give me anything i can improve on him. I have redone his backstory, but i wanna know if there is anything i should improve on. Anything i will like. I'm trying to make him no gary stu. But it is a tad difficult at times.

[Memory Lane 131]

Very well my friend. Allow me to offer my review.

 

So Vladicarus The Bat Pony (and occasional Pegasus) is who we're dealing with huh? Well firstly, a comment regarding his cutie mark. I understand your going with a pirate theme here, but still... isn't a skull a tad on the morbid side to qualify for a cutie mark? It's a petty complaint, ignore if you wish, but skulls symbolize death... and death simply doesn't blend well with the universe.

 

Regarding personality; This section is shallow, so there isn't much to judge. You should elaborate on what specific aspects of his personality have been affected by his abusive father. Oh and speaking of abuse, it would seem Vladicarus (and his mother) have endured much. It would be interesting to learn a little more about their struggles leading up to their eventual escape. They were prisoners at least since Vladicarus was born after all.

 

Now if we time skip, we'll find 16 year old Vladicarus still without his cutie mark, but ready to fulfill his passion for being a... pirate? Firstly, where is his cutie mark story? Shouldn't that have come before he realized he wanted to be a pirate himself? And speaking of, why? Shouldn't he be severely traumatized by pirates? I'm a little disappointed in his career choice. I thought maybe that plush knight toy he cherished from his days aboard his fathers ship would inspire him to become a knight himself and perhaps combat piracy instead. That would have made him an inspirational hero.

 

Oh well... moving along then. Vladicarus's adopted daughter, Jaded Rum... who is she? You didn't offer any details about her, nor does it appear she has her own profile. A father daughter dynamic could be interesting.

 

Beyond this, you simply describe Vladicarus's obligatory, inevitable, and dramatic final duel with his father. I have no real feelings about this. It's just closure right? I could suggest you delay his revenge, say he continues to search for his father. That'd preserve him a specific ongoing ultimate purpose to pursue while adopting side quest here and there. Though it doesn't matter to me.

 

All things considered, I like Vladicarus. He has real potential once you refine him here and there.

[Izanagi 176]

Very well my friend. Allow me to offer my review.

 

So Vladicarus The Bat Pony (and occasional Pegasus) is who we're dealing with huh? Well firstly, a comment regarding his cutie mark. I understand your going with a pirate theme here, but still... isn't a skull a tad on the morbid side to qualify for a cutie mark? It's a petty complaint, ignore if you wish, but skulls symbolize death... and death simply doesn't blend well with the universe.

 

Regarding personality; This section is shallow, so there isn't much to judge. You should elaborate on what specific aspects of his personality have been affected by his abusive father. Oh and speaking of abuse, it would seem Vladicarus (and his mother) have endured much. It would be interesting to learn a little more about their struggles leading up to their eventual escape. They were prisoners at least since Vladicarus was born after all.

 

Now if we time skip, we'll find 16 year old Vladicarus still without his cutie mark, but ready to fulfill his passion for being a... pirate? Firstly, where is his cutie mark story? Shouldn't that have come before he realized he wanted to be a pirate himself? And speaking of, why? Shouldn't he be severely traumatized by pirates? I'm a little disappointed in his career choice. I thought maybe that plush knight toy he cherished from his days aboard his fathers ship would inspire him to become a knight himself and perhaps combat piracy instead. That would have made him an inspirational hero.

 

Oh well... moving along then. Vladicarus's adopted daughter, Jaded Rum... who is she? You didn't offer any details about her, nor does it appear she has her own profile. A father daughter dynamic could be interesting.

 

Beyond this, you simply describe Vladicarus's obligatory, inevitable, and dramatic final duel with his father. I have no real feelings about this. It's just closure right? I could suggest you delay his revenge, say he continues to search for his father. That'd preserve him a specific ongoing ultimate purpose to pursue while adopting side quest here and there. Though it doesn't matter to me.

 

All things considered, I like Vladicarus. He has real potential once you refine him here and there.

I will take your comments and take them in effect. I could switch vlad around and make him more of a knight/guard. =3 Thank you. I will defiantly work on him more :3 Thank you for responding.

Very well my friend. Allow me to offer my review.

 

So Vladicarus The Bat Pony (and occasional Pegasus) is who we're dealing with huh? Well firstly, a comment regarding his cutie mark. I understand your going with a pirate theme here, but still... isn't a skull a tad on the morbid side to qualify for a cutie mark? It's a petty complaint, ignore if you wish, but skulls symbolize death... and death simply doesn't blend well with the universe.

 

Regarding personality; This section is shallow, so there isn't much to judge. You should elaborate on what specific aspects of his personality have been affected by his abusive father. Oh and speaking of abuse, it would seem Vladicarus (and his mother) have endured much. It would be interesting to learn a little more about their struggles leading up to their eventual escape. They were prisoners at least since Vladicarus was born after all.

 

Now if we time skip, we'll find 16 year old Vladicarus still without his cutie mark, but ready to fulfill his passion for being a... pirate? Firstly, where is his cutie mark story? Shouldn't that have come before he realized he wanted to be a pirate himself? And speaking of, why? Shouldn't he be severely traumatized by pirates? I'm a little disappointed in his career choice. I thought maybe that plush knight toy he cherished from his days aboard his fathers ship would inspire him to become a knight himself and perhaps combat piracy instead. That would have made him an inspirational hero.

 

Oh well... moving along then. Vladicarus's adopted daughter, Jaded Rum... who is she? You didn't offer any details about her, nor does it appear she has her own profile. A father daughter dynamic could be interesting.

 

Beyond this, you simply describe Vladicarus's obligatory, inevitable, and dramatic final duel with his father. I have no real feelings about this. It's just closure right? I could suggest you delay his revenge, say he continues to search for his father. That'd preserve him a specific ongoing ultimate purpose to pursue while adopting side quest here and there. Though it doesn't matter to me.

 

All things considered, I like Vladicarus. He has real potential once you refine him here and there.

I was also thinking of changing Vlad from a pirate. to a pirate hunter instead.

[CookieK 74]

His cutie mark could be a rapier with a rose, the rapier would symbolize his bravery while the rose could symbolize his romantic womanizing side. It also plays into the fact that by going by the picture Vlad's weapon of choice is a rapier. 

[Izanagi 176]

Very well my friend. Allow me to offer my review.

 

So Vladicarus The Bat Pony (and occasional Pegasus) is who we're dealing with huh? Well firstly, a comment regarding his cutie mark. I understand your going with a pirate theme here, but still... isn't a skull a tad on the morbid side to qualify for a cutie mark? It's a petty complaint, ignore if you wish, but skulls symbolize death... and death simply doesn't blend well with the universe.

 

Regarding personality; This section is shallow, so there isn't much to judge. You should elaborate on what specific aspects of his personality have been affected by his abusive father. Oh and speaking of abuse, it would seem Vladicarus (and his mother) have endured much. It would be interesting to learn a little more about their struggles leading up to their eventual escape. They were prisoners at least since Vladicarus was born after all.

 

Now if we time skip, we'll find 16 year old Vladicarus still without his cutie mark, but ready to fulfill his passion for being a... pirate? Firstly, where is his cutie mark story? Shouldn't that have come before he realized he wanted to be a pirate himself? And speaking of, why? Shouldn't he be severely traumatized by pirates? I'm a little disappointed in his career choice. I thought maybe that plush knight toy he cherished from his days aboard his fathers ship would inspire him to become a knight himself and perhaps combat piracy instead. That would have made him an inspirational hero.

 

Oh well... moving along then. Vladicarus's adopted daughter, Jaded Rum... who is she? You didn't offer any details about her, nor does it appear she has her own profile. A father daughter dynamic could be interesting.

 

Beyond this, you simply describe Vladicarus's obligatory, inevitable, and dramatic final duel with his father. I have no real feelings about this. It's just closure right? I could suggest you delay his revenge, say he continues to search for his father. That'd preserve him a specific ongoing ultimate purpose to pursue while adopting side quest here and there. Though it doesn't matter to me.

 

All things considered, I like Vladicarus. He has real potential once you refine him here and there.

I ust remembered, the reason Vlad was a pirate is..I forgot to add this, but. He wants the world to know not all pirates are evil. And he follows a prates code. He wishes to show that not all pirates are the scum of equestria.

[El Duderino 879]

I like your OC. The one thing I would recommend is to add things to his backstory to show how he developed his personality or interests.

[Memory Lane 131]

@, I suppose he could be an exception, sure. Though is he still a pirate? Or rather, a mere adventurer? By definition he would have to at least be a thief, which would somewhat dilute the message not all pirates are bad people.

[Izanagi 176]

@, I suppose he could be an exception, sure. Though is he still a pirate? Or rather, a mere adventurer? By definition he would have to at least be a thief, which would somewhat dilute the message not all pirates are bad people.

I will work more on this =3 Thank you for your feed back, Key =3

[best poni 1,519]

He's great but there's one problem, *cough cough* he's a blank flank.

[Bright Ink 49]

I agree with the mention that his current cutie mark doesn't symbolize what you wanted it to - there is nothing romantic about a skull with two disembodied pony wings!

 

Since I'm not one particularly for writing, I'll poke at the visual aspect. I'm personally not a fan of it. Red and green are complimentary colors, but you'd generally want to avoid them together (with white, no less!) as they're considered Christmas colors. Depending on which color you consider the most important, I'd either change his coat to a dark grey/blue, lighten it up, or change his mane to an even darker green (or again, dark grey). You can always fiddle around with the palette and try something new all together!

 

I also saw you mentioned you wanted him to be a pirate so he could show that not all pirates are bad - but you also have him killing his own father and plundering in his backstory. I could see him being a flawed character - thinking what he's doing is "good" but it's really not. Or, instead, I'd say have him dump his father off to the Royal Guard instead - because he's better than his father, he's not going to stoop to the level of killing. And if he's still going to steal, have him be a sort of "Robin Hood" - steal from the rich (and tyrannical) and give to the poor.

Edited October 19, 2015 by Dakota Maple

[Izanagi 176]

I agree with the mention that his current cutie mark doesn't symbolize what you wanted it to - there is nothing romantic about a skull with two disembodied pony wings!

 

Since I'm not one particularly for writing, I'll poke at the visual aspect. I'm personally not a fan of it. Red and green are complimentary colors, but you'd generally want to avoid them together (with white, no less!) as they're considered Christmas colors. Depending on which color you consider the most important, I'd either change his coat to a dark grey/blue, lighten it up, or change his mane to an even darker green (or again, dark grey). You can always fiddle around with the palette and try something new all together!

 

I also saw you mentioned you wanted him to be a pirate so he could show that not all pirates are bad - but you also have him killing his own father and plundering in his backstory. I could see him being a flawed character - thinking what he's doing is "good" but it's really not. Or, instead, I'd say have him dump his father off to the Royal Guard instead - because he's better than his father, he's not going to stoop to the level of killing. And if he's still going to steal, have him be a sort of "Robin Hood" - steal from the rich (and tyrannical) and give to the poor.

To be fair, i have been giving Vlad a lot more work since then. XD I should really close it, but thank you for the feed back

[Bright Ink 49]

To be fair, i have been giving Vlad a lot more work since then. XD I should really close it, but thank you for the feed back

 

Ahh, okay, yeah probably a good idea haha. It was still pretty high in the subforum, so I didn't bother looking at the date. >w>;