critique wanted "OC & I" needs reviewing.

[Damonater 70]

Hey guys!

 

Assuming that this is my first "official" fanfiction, I figured I needed some critiquing on the first TWO chapters of my story. Just looking for some guidelines as to how to improve on sentence structure and all kinds of thingos.

 

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/298243/oc-i

 

Please do read the story description and author notes before continuing.

 

Thanks!