offering critique Illiad's one stop thread for OC Advice and Support, Now Closed.

[Illiad Easle 3,139]

@@Waywardfoals,

 

Well, nothing stands out to me as needing to be changed or fixed. You have a very well developed character right there. Your mark even relates clearly to the talent and name as well as the color scheme matching up pretty well, though the green coat is a bit spring colored for a fall name, perhaps an evergreen color or a brown would fit better with the fall theme of the name, personally I would go with evergreen over brown but that's up to you.

 

Your backstory is well written and conveys how your character got from where they started to where they are now as well as how they found and utilize their talent and purpose in life.

 

In short, very well done. Feel free to come back again if you have other questions.

 

@@Hazard Time,

 

That makes sense too, I know how hard it can be sometimes to keep things in line with a headcanon, mine is complicated enough already to the point where I've made charts to keep all the characters in order and maintain a cohesive timeline across the stories.

 

Good luck to you, and come back if you have any other questions. 

[Waywardfoals 8]

THank you for your feedback.

 

I've been considering giving him a different eye color. In particular, something close to brown or amber.

Now, time for my second Pony ever: Azure Calamity.

 

 

 

 

 

Azure was born to an earth pony mother and unicorn father, the mother being a baker and the father being an astronomer. As such, Azure grew up loving both Baking and astronomy, though her love of the stars is what got her a cutiemark. When she was eight, her father and mother took her to see a comet above her town's sky. This inspired her to study much of the mythical aspects of the stars and the world, becoming infatuated with sometimes kitschy things such as crystals. As she grew older, she became wiser to the lore and stories behind particular objects that are told to hold mysticism.

 

As she studied more, she began to delve into divination magic as a way of learning about the histories of places and artifacts. At the same time, she would show her make reports about her finding as school work, which earned her quite a few friends, and several bullies that made fun on her for her obsession, as well as her appearance(She is a bit of a chubby mare.). Still, she grew up rather happily, and once she moved out of her home town, she's opened up her own divination service, as well as a side job as a baker.

 

Her cutiemark represents her fascination with mysticism and the unknown, as she was inspired by the comet.

[Illiad Easle 3,139]

@@Waywardfoals,

 

Hmm, I do like how she looks, though Calamity is a rather intense name for such a laid back mark. Perhaps something more directly linked to divination and mystery?  Perhaps Azure Seraph? Or if you want to keep the Egyptian theme, Azure Neteru?

 

Further, you don't really describe a talent, just a fascination which doesn't define an individual in a compelling manner, given she is a unicorn I would propose it represents a talent in divination spells as well as her interest in those arts. To add that into the story, when she saw the comet she had a compelling desire to know where it came from, and through an undirected use of magic, she discovered her talent to see into the past, both in regards to a location as well as an object. She then studied to develop and perfect this talent.

 

Other than that you've got a good backstory and personality setup, and a mostly well-defined character.

 

Do come back if you have more questions.

[Waywardfoals 8]

Thank you for your feedback. This REALLY helps me with setting up her backstory. Infact, having time to think it over, I've made a few changes.

 

First of all, her name was originally Azure Comet, as her color reminded her father of a comet he once saw. She changed her name later down the line because... well, it sounded cool to her, and that her middle name is Trevor(After her grandfather on her mother's side.) Also, because she figured a bit of word play where if she took out the or in Trevor, reverse it, and put the A in her name at the start, it makes Avert. Thus, Avert Calamity.(As you can guess, she's a bit of a dork.)

 

As for her talent, yeah. When she first saw the comet, she wanted to know about it and turned to divination magic. When she attempted to use the spell, however, she ended up seeing past events in her immediate area. In particular, the day she saw the comet. When she such a thing was even possible, she wanted to master the magic to see through time and space.

 

Though, I have been considering changing the ankh to a crystal of some sort. Maybe an amethyst to match her mane.

 

Once again, thank you for you feedback. It's really helped me nail down her character and backstory.

[Illiad Easle 3,139]

@@Waywardfoals,

 

You're quite welcome, I would agree with you that a crystal would be a bit more appropriate in this circumstance than an Egyptian glyph.

 

Do come back if you have any other characters you need help with. 

[Waywardfoals 8]

Do come back if you have any other characters you need help with. 

Heh heh heh. Oh boy.

 

Lets begin with my third OC for MLP, Aqua Fortis:

 

 

 

 

 

Even as a foal, Aqua was a genius, able to learn and retain information quickly. He earned his cutiemark after completing a science project, which was a chemistry project involving his name sake(Under adult supervision.). He graduated elementary school early, but because of this, he missed out on learning valuable social skills. Not only that, but because he skipped several grades, he had been denied information he would need at higher grades. This resulted in no small amount of stress, as well as him struggling to adapt mentally to being the odd fish out.

 

Unfortunately, he could not handle all the pressure and folded, his grades dropping and resulting in some accusing him of having cheated in the first place. He lost most of the respect of the school and even his parents. Needless to say, he become quite nihilistic and uncaring, dragging his way through school into adulthood. His apathetic attitude continued further, though eventually he made an effort to go to college, if for no other reason than to get away from his nagging perents. Thankfully, he managed to make some friends here that helped him out of his funk, if at least a little.

 

Once he graduated his his course, he got a pharmacist license and opened up a pharmacy in ponyville, mostly so he wouldn't have to see his perents again. At this point,, besides his work, he's also trying to work past his pessimism and enjoy himself, though he's very shy, hiding it behind a grumpy exterior. At the same time, he'll poke fun at his act to give some levity, playing up the grump act for humor.

 

Now, this guy has been through several iterations, and this is his latest, wanting to go for a child genius who had too much pressure to take at a young age and couldn't handle it. Also, his colors are sort of meant to be less appealing, as I wanted to evoke a chemical appearance with his colors.

[Illiad Easle 3,139]

@@Waywardfoals,

 

Good, good, I don't see anything wrong with this character, your name, colors, mark, and backstory all check out by my rubric.

 

Got any others? Though I would appreciate if you actually submit ones that you think actually need help, ones where you have a hole in your character that you need help filling.

[Waywardfoals 8]

That was mostly all of them. The rst o my OCs I've got a good backstory for and am quite confident with. Those three are the ones I really needed help with.

 

Thank you for all your advice. It's really helped me a lot.

[Illiad Easle 3,139]

@@Waywardfoals,

 

Alright then, I would offer to have you come back again sometime, but unless you're back before Sunday you'll be too late as that's when I'm closing my threads for a hiatus.

 

Good luck in all your future endeavors though.

[Illiad Easle 3,139]

Alright that's all the time I have for now.

 

Do come back in October 2018 if you want help with your OCs or RPs.

 

Thank's again to all those that made this help thread worthwhile.