critique wanted Some lyrics I came up with

[Jimmy Page Fan 39]

What do you think? Personally they feel a bit pretentious but this is the first real complete song i've written.

 

 

Caterpillar tracks roll over Everest

The Equestrian dream collapsed into dust

Like an ancient building tumbling

Like an old dream turning

 

The smile of a radiant face

Shines hope amongst the lake

The lake that was never there

And the future they did declare

 

The stream snaked through Everfree

Falling into a waving sea

The lost one quenched her thirst

And she saw visions of the past

 

While the day grew thinner

The winds whipped the shelter

Of the fugitive and liar

But then the bodies appeared

 

Grasping on to her last emotion

She set herself in motion

Her future suddenly appeared

Her name was Starlight Glimmer

 

Edited October 26, 2016 by Jimmy Page Fan

[FullmoonDagger 200]

*removes glasses* Hey, that's pretty good !

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Holy crap! These are some of the best lyrics I've ever seen! I LOVE the vivid description you put in it and loved how you showed who Starlight Glimmer was, instead of telling the listener about her. That's the one thing most songwriters struggle with: showing vs telling. You showed and that's what makes your lyrics very effective. And I love how you used similes and metaphors. Rhetorical language gives your lyrics a complete new feeling and enables your audience to empathize with what you're saying!

 

All in all, amazing lyrics!

[SFyr 1,982]

Hello @Jimmy Page Fan~

I went ahead and moved this to written works, since it seems like a more fitting place.

[Jimmy Page Fan 39]

Holy crap! These are some of the best lyrics I've ever seen! I LOVE the vivid description you put in it and loved how you showed who Starlight Glimmer was, instead of telling the listener about her. That's the one thing most songwriters struggle with: showing vs telling. You showed and that's what makes your lyrics very effective. And I love how you used similes and metaphors. Rhetorical language gives your lyrics a complete new feeling and enables your audience to empathize with what you're saying!

 

All in all, amazing lyrics!

Thank you so so much! This means a lot to me as an aspiring songwriter!

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Thank you so so much! This means a lot to me as an aspiring songwriter!

 

No prob! I can probably come up with something with these lyrics...