offering critique Widdershin's Aestheteria!

[Widdershins 9,955]

 @driz 

    Hmm, her cutie marks are her "Third Eyes", you say? Does that mean she can see out her own flank then?  That seems like a useful evolutionary trait!

Oh, and I'm well aquainted with Poke-Balls! ...as well as their dire connotations. No doubt there's creepypasta pokeball stories out there, but I for one would still be willing to volunteer to be crammed into one of them just to see how it's like!

   But when you get to animation magics, I ought forwarn you of your dwelling in powers beyond our comprehension! Literally! As the case may be here! There's this thing in Science that I believe is called a Law of Conservation of Energy. Everything requires an equal price, or however the theme song said it as. I imagine giving enough sentience to an object to enable it to possibly plan on its own in battle would require a hefty price. Hmm, don't know if you said that Rocky has enough of his own personality.

  But this reminds me. I have this little tool I attribute to Widdershins too that I haven't written down anywhere, as I have a bit of a qualm about tacking on too many accoutrements alongside magical powers. It's this small crystal that can form a golem out of any material that touches it or its dropped into, which means that if a creature of solid, congruent bodily form were to touch it... it likely would strip the flesh off them to make a 'flesh golem', but presumably that's hopefully something reversible. Even in mythology and what stories do tell of completely mindless & obedient golems, there almost always is some moral & comeuppence afterward for all parties involved. And that's what Rocky is, really, is a Golem.

  A Plushie Golem.            Which is completely radical! I totally wanna see where you're going with this!

[Randimaxis 8,633]

Well hiya, you!

If I could take a moment and let you know that YOU, Widdyshinny, are one of my FAVORITE peo-... uhm, "folks" here.  You, above MANY others here, truly understand chaos as a living, breathing thing... and you GET it, y'know?  I have to take the opportunity to genuinely thank you for helping a Discordian like myself feel MUCH less alone here.

Anyway... to why I'm here.

Reading over the rather verbose responses here, I have to admit that I'm curious as to your opinion on something of MINE...

If you know me well enough, you should already KNOW what's coming.

*ahem* Anyhoosiers, I decided that, with your exquisite vocabulary and your thorough approach to critiquing (which doesn't surprise me for such an erudite persona as yourself), you would be exactly the type of reviewer I've been seeking.  I am quite weary of the typical "it's good" responses I get from folks when I ask for them to look over my works... and, of course, it's not exactly legal to brainwash/reprogram them to do better - hence, I come before you, humbly and requesting your critical eye upon the heart and soul of my creations here...

Yes, my friend - I would sincerely wish for you to look over and review my very own family of OCs, The Blackwaters.

I have had them for quite some time here... but I never seem to get much (read: the tiniest crumb) of feedback about them, though I've certainly done quite a bit with them over my time here.  Heck, The Blackwater Quarry has been going on for nearly two years at this point.  Yet it still seems that TRUE reviews are outside of my reach to obtain.

Therefore, I lay them at your... uhh, "feet"... for your perusal.

 

Luther, the head of the family: https://mlpforums.com/roleplay-characters/luther-blackwater-r8822/

Vylia, his foppish wife: https://mlpforums.com/roleplay-characters/vylia-blackwater-r9252/

Harcourt, the eldest: https://mlpforums.com/roleplay-characters/harcourt-blackwater-r8485/

... and Dax, the middle foal: https://mlpforums.com/roleplay-characters/dax-blackwater-r8460/

(I haven't gotten around to a profile for Oglevy, the youngest, yet... but you should get an impression from the other four.)

 

If I could beseech you, my fine friend, to give me your opinions on them, I would be especially grateful - after so much "they're okay", I can hardly wait to recieve a FULL, COMPLETE critique on them.  This, of course, means that I want to hear any bad with the good as well; though I do enjoy creating OCs (and have a knack for it), I readily admit that I do NOT know everything - and the best way to learn, in this case, is to see if someone ELSE sees anything I do not.

I thank you so very kindly for your time, Widdershins; believe me when I say that this will be THOROUGHLY APPRECIATED.

 

(Oh, and feel free to answer me right here in the thread - I have nothing to hide.)

[Widdershins 9,955]

@Randimaxis

     Eh, It's good.... They're okay.

...

  HHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!    I've been waiting for this day for ages!

      Your characters are absolutely disgusting! ...no, watch the cheerful estaticness of my voice! I mean that in a likely positive way!

 Read your stuff some while back and I've definitely noticed a "style" of yours! Namely that of goin' all blotchy on your ponies. Which... just somehow doesn't quite mesh well. Like, black n' green just don't work well. It's got that vibe of swampwater, of jade+"they're kinda immoral" shtick that is kinda obvious that your aiming towards. I could say you might be hammering an idea a smidgen bit too hard... but I'll touch back on that later. That whole... kinda... Mottled Mess you do is just... so totally you! It by no means should work right and it completely offends everything about my sense of aesthetics... but if its going to be done, the WAY that YOU'RE doing it is the rightest it could be!

  Point is, I wouldn't want you changing that habit... but I also wouldn't recommend anybeing else picking that habit up! But I'm getting ahead of myself again! I'm going off to actually read your characters right... now!     ...and yes, I am judging you before actually sampling all of your work. Great First Impression!

   Just drop the stack of bio-pages over in front of the pile of disembodied feet.   ...No, no reason I have those. It's literally just there!

    Okay, first tip before I get into things: (and yeh, I know, they dun futzed up the character pages) I would suggest Hitting Enter and Indenting as much as you can. By which I mean, everytime a concept is finished or a line gets much further than four or so lines, have some white room between the things you talk about. Maybe my sense of focus is wearing thin since I've stopped, like, exercising my brainy bits, but I get lost easily if there's too much for me to keep track of when I return back to the left to read again.

So, Let's start with Luther then!

   Having a black stripe right down the front of the face like that just seems like he was eating too much coal. The kind of shade of black you got there looks like you smudged the edges of a drawing more than what a pattern would be on an actual creature. Which is kinda extremely adorable for Mr.BusinessPony! Kinda defeats the whole threatening persona he's supposed to have. But then again, I kinda view all ponies as pretty much living plushies!

   Hmm, something I'm noticing about your horses is that... those names seem a bit to feasible. Like, more like I'd see them easily being actual human names rather than the more cartoonish, more nickname-like names ponies have. Just a hair off of the general attitude the whole of Equestria. Like, even the most respected citizen & leader of the free world kinda has a name that you can go "OOHHH! i GET IT! BECAUSE SHE DA SUN LADY! AN' DA SUN BE ALL CELESTIAL-LIKE! DATSA WORD!"

   " The family isn't VICIOUS... but lying, cheating, stealing & bullying have been standards of the Blackwater name"     Yeah, No. I would feel certain most would say those examples are pretty dang vicious sometimes. " bullying, extortion and blackmail" Are still illegal, completely inexcusable & hateworthy actions, trying to excuse them off as just character traits just seems a smidgen... presumptuous? I think the word I'm looking for is? Like, I get it that the family is known for being a veritable Nest of Vipers, (and who would pick on 'em for that & not expect venom in return?) but one would think that were they truly like that all the time, they would have eventually made enough enemies to get them wiped off the map. I know their not villains, but... well, I've only ever seen Blackmail end in one way on television... with the blackmailer's murder. What I'm saying... is that the Sopranos didn't exactly get a very "nice" ending, if I recall right.

    Ya take what ya give! Ya be mean, Ya GET mean!

...Erasmus?... You sure his daddy 'fore him wasn't an actual demon? Shayle though, I like, seems very pony-like!

   " but there were times after the shift change he wished he had a friend." Sigh, well, forget what I said before about not fitting into the original show-world's context. Hamfistedly shoving in friendship where it wasn't really brought up is totally what keeps Equestria spinnin'. Not that that's bad or unrealistic, just the sentence basically reads as "Not having friends did bother him... and then it bothered him."  Hey, been there but that doesn't make it any less of a tonal shift.

    ...okay, One: D*ck move there, Daddy-o. No real reason to pin the blame on your own son, especially after he's been around the place making a show that he's investigating you. When it's just as easy to just name any random pigeon. Two: Everypony just immediately believed what they were told? No one was like "Oh, okay then Boss... You gonna fix that then?" Turning his prior friends on Luther (though really, they were barely aquaintences anyway) is entirely unnecessary. What your workers think means absolutely jack to this family. The only impact is that it goads our herohorse into action... that he probably woulda done anyway. I... fail to understand how running your own business into the ground works... its a source of income, why wouldn't you keep a cashcow in action? 

   You do have a gift for detail... but that's the tricky thing with providing detail, is in the fear that you might just keep retreading the same topic over again. It's clear you wanted Erasmus as the nearly transparent boogeyman for Luther to triumph over... and then later become. That does make for a good story... until you start summarizing it. That whole traumatic ordeal of having to sue your own father over him payin' off others or being underhanded and not once do you make the connection your head that your father was budging things in his favor... and now your being asked to budge things favorably. Not learning from past mistakes... well, is either stupidity or madness. Really either are both kind of realistic.

    .... Huh... a tightly run, but off-putting mine out in the boondocks where they're not the sorts to go for help before things get out of hoof... kinda seems like a good setting for a Lovecraft story. If only you had access to an Eldritch Horror character! Ooh! Total Colour from Space parody! I call Royalties!

   Harcourt's argument with Luther seems something more related to Harcourt's character/biopage, so maybe that can be cut out. But I still don't get how your parents met. They argued... then immediately fell in love & decided to get married? I mean, I've heard Hate "Love" was good, but didn't know it was that great!!

    Oh, also... guess that secretary got a fair bit more than a raise in pay, eh, eh?

  I don't understand how them both being shrewd & argumentative immediately flows into them loving each other. Kinda like ya skipped a step there.

     Luther is pretty much a big, trough, meaniepants, stick-in-the-mud. He kind of strikes me as being defined almost solely by the role he fills. He's the Patriarch, so he acts like one. He is a great character by all means, reminiscent of some of the older tales like Little Women (ifI'deverhadactuallyREADthat...) ,but I don't like him. He ain't bad, but he ain't fun.

      On to Vylia!:

  "... priding herself..."      "Her eyes are a radiant emerald green; they're oceans of wisdom for her family, and balefire to anypony who is unlucky enough to earn her ire."

    " Three facets to one diamond of a mare."

       ...Hnng~~*   ....Variable Depth of Character!~~*

     ...Hoo...*blush*                                                I'll admit it, it's a double standard of mine. I'm loads more accepting of a female being more... "manipulative" or perhaps dark than I am of a male. I... kinda am a total Manhater, lol! Which is even funnier when you consider that I actually am one already!

    ...  Are you aware of the concept of Himedere? It does seem that over in Japan that their idea of the personality befitting a princess is that of someone who can actually give orders, know what to do and not hesitate to step on faces in high heels if the situation calls for it. ...as opposed to the complete blank slate of a selling point western culture & even this show treats it as... but you didn't come here to hear me rant!

   Vylia comes off as a bit more of an open book to me than (...huh, wow, already forgetting his name, lol...) Luther does. She strikes me as being capable enough to put on a serious face to kick you out on the curb if she needs to... but still sociable enough to titter away at teatime with you if you learn how to compliment her. She has more of a... range to her rather than Luther's note.

  First... issue though... Gold Zebra Stripes? ...what? Why of all things, would that be what she inherits from what could only be distant, indirect genes? ...And then, somehow, those stripes actually showing up more in the children?!!? ...and.... gooold? That's hideous!  The exact tint & placement you have on her reminds me of the fainter patches that would show up on my dogs when they'd get scars and their coat would heal over it. Putting that together with the fact that Zebras in Equestria have their stripes run more like warpaint (Read:Racist) rather than the full-body lines actual animal Zebras do, that kind of makes it look like Vylia is some high-society lady who's putting on African warpaint on to act in some haphazard play.  I mean, it'd, like, be one thing if they were dispersed across the body like it really was a genetic thing she didn't have any control over, but since you did want her to be the heiress, you kept it to the face to keep things open for beauty. So that only adds to the appearance that those "stripes" are just removable.

    You... don't do stripes. You suck at stripes. Just you wait till I get to the boys!

   Like, I'm kind of on the side that you shouldn't do zebra stripes unless you actually are a zebra. ...Anybeing else notice that? That there never seems to be just a zebra character. Like it has to be zebra and something else, like ain't nobeing wants to just be a zebra. Kinda Mucked up there.    ...what was I talking about?

  Oh, and lose the bow. That kind of massive bow kind of only works on maudlin small girls like Applebloom. On an adult it kind of just looks like you got giant bug ears or something.     ...I do try to limit my sense of aesthetics to what's typed, not what the picture is since that tends to be done by an entire separate being. But some input has to be likely there from the original creator after all. Though I assume you didn't come close to saying "I want her looking morose, serious & kind of brooding... THEN PUT A MASSIVE, HONKING BOW ON THAT!"

    " Vylia has an almost Jeckyll-and-Hyde personality..." Huh.   So... what you're saying... is that the woman has the bipolar? Never heard that before!!

    *angry feminist glare*

   I can get that she's moody. Not everybeing can keep their cool & their temperament at the same level constantly. (You might also get the hint that I might also be one of many moods!) That she can kind of be both mean & harsh but girly at times. Not entirely certain what actions you could point to as "spoiled" or how one can put on an act of being flighty. (oh. Hah-hah. The "Flighty" Pegasus.Just got that.) As the sort to actually be naturally flighty, lemme tell you, that needs to be cultivated!

   ...Like the cutie mark n' all... Just ah... not that I'm insinuating or anything, not sure entirely what I'm even aiming at here myself, but... ...    ...Do, ah, you really want a pearl necklace on the flank of a female? Maybe I'm just tired now & my minds' a wanderin'...      Oh, and I do not in the least understand how Two Necklaces=Abacus.

     "...were in constant competition with her to try to become the focused sibling... to no avail, as all three were loved equally by both parents." I think you just canceled out your own sentence there. "They were trying to do this thing... but it didn't happen."

   ...You know. Side thought. Unrelated. I think I have yet to meet a Pony OC that ISN'T some level of being anti-social. Why, you'd almost think that every fanmade character is being somehow made by somebeing who is only just now learning about friendship!   Bwut how could daaat bweee?!!?

    Ehhh... skimming through her backstory...  Sequence of Events here: Her parents teach her, she gets a taste for high society, She gets a job at her Father's place, he sends her out, the guy (potentially her first client too?) she works for seems to fall immediately in love with her, and they start a family. Kinda feels like everything just sorta fell into her lap, which... really does explain the personality quite a fair bit. Still,kind of see Lester...Uhh, Luther (Eh, he's not nearly attractive enough to remember) as being on an opposite end as Vylia is.     ...Which kind of makes it all the more perplexing how on Earthquestria they even fell in love.

   I did like what you did there too, you got really pretty there describing the actual marriage & the subsequent family life.... but almost nothing about the courtship. One would think that's the hardest part. Especially considering how Hollywood tends to gloss over it if they ain't a rom-com about mucking the relationship up. They argued... They fell in love. Can't think that, despite being both shrewd sorts, that being able to argue about anything is enough to form a connection. And if I'm wrong, and it is, well, anybeing like that really needs to meet my family!

   Hoh! Self-Burn! Wooh! Step Back, gon' Hi-Five maself!

    Do like the detail you put into things. I know I've griped before about what, really, the point of a Likes & Dislikes list is good for if none of it really connects back to telling the audience about what the character is like, but it's a nice touch all the same. Little idiosyncrasies can endear.

  Ah, seems I've run out of time for now after covering the parents. I'll hopefully cover the boys tomorrow. And... believe me I've got some venom balled up for them. Namely which, a little taste of which I'll give you now about Harcourt...  ....  AH'M PRETTY SURE HE'S LUPIN THE THIRD!!

 

 

[Widdershins 9,955]

 Part Dos!

   Now, I forget what I've said before. Thing is, and I think this is a little factoid that most often forget when creating pony OCs, is that these are Ponies, not ponies. These are, after all, the inhabitants of an entirely different dimension & world than ours. Their coats being more vibrant or elaborate in tone is really the least we can ask of a difference. Just...

   Gad, the boys are hideous!

 Now, before I get started I do seem to recall seeing Ogelvy's entry at some point & remember him being the sort of spoiled brat sort, but you haven't asked that of me yet!

  But Harcourt & Dax... just... gosh. Kind of wish Luther's blotchy style of coat held through. Do love that way you made the stripes in Harcourt's mane. Probably one of very few  ways I've approved of bicolor manes.

   Granted, hereditary genes in ponies seem to be more of a grabbag. I would wonder why Luther's blotchy coloring doesn't extend to his boys (though really, think maybe I'd like his appearance a bit better if he had a fully body shot like these two have or a bust shot like his wife so we can see more of the overall view of him, rather than just assuming that he's just all green with one big inkblot smudge in the center of his face.) but instead, they seem the furthest related to him by looks. I brought that up before, why, then Vylia's stripes are superficial at best then become dominant in her boys?

   Dax's looks seem almost completely unrelated to his character. If anything, judging by his guide picture alone, I'd say he fits Harcourt's bio much better. Am I saying that black and green can't be the furcoat of a regular softy? No... just that that tends to be the colors you find on a poisonous newt, something that is trying to warn everything else that eating it would be a bad idea. Dax's colors are far too saturated and densely bright for what they are. Even the Black! Adding in the more mohawk-like "messy" mane and the bracelets  that look like barb wire and that combative grin that you stated was supposed to be more of a rarity with him, it comes across as if Dax is more of the aggressor than he's supposed to be. If I could shoot you some suggestions on him, is dull those colors considerably, to an almost muddy grey shade & lose the adornment. Considering, from what I've read you're trying to paint him as sort of the "white sheep" of the family, the one that is likely going to wind up being the inheritor of the family business. Sort of makes sense that his appearance would extend from his not wanting to be noticed or impress upon others. Since he doesn't want to come across quite as rough & rich as the rest of his family, would stand to reason that he would opt out of dressing up or self-adorning especially since that's likely one of his mother's most apparent habits. Gosh, wouldn't be surprised if sharing his family's color scheme was a bit of a personal shame to him, since any of those bullies at school could easily tell his lineage just by literally looking at him!

   In short there, nothing from his appearance tells me that anything leads into the character you were trying to tell me about.

   Harcourt's looks on the other han-...hoof.  I like what you were aiming for. The blue makes for a welcome, drastic change to the family color scheme. It's almost relaxing, suave & plays to the fact that he's sort of a tangent of the family, plus, green goes together with blue alot better than it does black.  ...Except those are fish colors.

   That's something you see in the ocean, not on land, or especially not on Mr.Sneakyflank. Kinda hard to even consider being a thief when you're bloody neon! Heck, I can tell you even tried to fix that too by giving him a heirloom stealth suit! Maybe, like Dax, tone that down significantly, like maybe a duller sky-blue rather than tropical-waters-blue. Add onto that the anime-esque cowlick then just about every part of Harcourt screams that he's Mister Suave, but that's a bone of contention I'll get to later.

   In whole, from an aesthetic standpoint alone, the both of them are just way too unnaturally bright. I can pass on zebra stripes, different species, different set rules. But they look less like the tone on an actual living creature and more like candy packaging. The parents were rather somber & surpressed in tone(though you do seem to be using almost a Green-Screen green) but then they just spit out absolute Neon Horses!  But enough about aesthetics, let's get to the actual characters!

     As to Dax:

 Now, I do hope you excuse me for my harsh words, but I feel it necessary. But If I don't, I'm libel to burst!

 "Oh! Little Rich Boy doesn't have any friends! Pardon me if I withold my sympathy!" Kinda wanna punch him myself. If I could make a fist.

  Yeah, that's sad and all, but you kind of get everything else in life. Some of us, who aren't naturally rich & lucky & handsome, have just as much the same level of difficulty in making friends. You're not the only one to attend a bad school or have your siblings break your stuff. Maybe be grateful for what it is you do have, which happens to be quite alot. Yeah, your family is oppressive and that's sure something to be down about but even Maud comes from a reclusive family that clearly can't afford her going to college for her "Rockterate" yet she still found a way to live her own life.

   "The stars were his only friends" Feh, now that is legitimately maudlin.   Go ahead, go look that word up.

  It's kind of funny there, that I hold the least sympathy for the character that clearly exists for being the sympathetic one in the family. I think that may be because most of his backstory is things happening TO him, with less of an importance put on what he's doing or how he reacts to it aside from being down about it.

  Take for example, how you state how his parents are controlling him. He spends his days currently out in the woods. Would think that would interfere with all that grooming to become the business leader, since, if the parents are supposed to be hard on him enough to not listen to him, then they sure are giving him enough leeway there.

    Well... not watching your colt very well are you, if you don't notice him TROTTING INTO A BUSY MINE! Would think, a mining family kind of knows the reputation mines have of collapsing & killing miners. Sure, could say that its the servants job to watch him, except that kind of still makes you an unfit parent who really shouldn't be in charge of another's life if you just pawn all the responsibility off like that. But there's another layer to that. Sure, its understandable if the parents just stated that it was a No, instead of sitting him down & explaining why  its dangerous, that happens all the time in stories. But it came out well anyhow, got one of the most profitable finds in the mine's history. So you fire off the crew that helped you do the best you've ever done, then shame everypony involved!

   That's horrible business procedures there.

 You know what happens when a boss makes it clear that he can fire off whoever he wants just to teach a kid a lesson? The workers catch on that its not a reliable job, and no one ever works for them again if they can help it. Unless, somehow, Luther is straight up forcing others to work for him. Like he's trying to do with his boys.

  You know, as this story unfolds more I'm finding it harder & harder to see any difference, from any point in time, between Luther & Erasmus before him. Is this family supposed to be straight up villains? Because the majority of what I hear about them seems to be about how they exert their power & oppress others, even those they are related to. And boy howdy... does that come to a head in Harcourt.

 

    Wherein we hold court on Harcourt:

  Harcourt is basically in the business of hurting others.

  Yeah, I'll admit I'm a fair bit unfair here. His is a personality that rubs me the wrong way. It still is a perfectly viable character story to be told. Master thief=thrill of the hunt, there's plenty of stories to be told there.

  ...except there's a reason peeps don' like their p**p gettin' stolen! If somebody steals the Crown Jewels, then the populace starts asking why they're even paying or listening to the government if they can't protect one tower & one set of jewels that symbolizes their history and riots start! Which is why most of what I have seen or heard of , like Lupin the Third, will try to steal from big boss criminals that stole the Wossnames in the first place. Even more drama that way,to boot.  ...BUUUUUT... If you do THAT, and your character still keeps the profit for themself you  still have someone who is directly harming others lives for their own gain. Which, I believe is the definition of Evil. You could have them be a Robin Hood who then gives it away to the poor or rightful owners or who works with the police, but then that defeats the purpose of the concept of evading your character's pursuers. I applaud your attempt (and possibly the most kickflank talent!) but I for one cannot grasp how the Master Thief  can ever work.

   It's why we keep coming back to assassins. (and not ninjas. Don'tyoudarebringninjasintomythread!) It is just a job to them, they don't hate  their targets, or even particularly care. It's what they're good at, so much so that it scares others enough to out-violent them. It's a potentiality  that can only lead to trouble & drama.

   I can't feel that a Master Thief is at all a redeemable character. If somebeing clearly only ever cares for themselves, then why should I care? Sure, you did close that gap a fair bit, giving him essentially a replacement father figure, showing that he does still care & openly mingle with others, by far more then it seems like with the rest of his family, but that still keeps him squarely irredeemably villainous in my corners, what with the way that every other part of him brings up how he places himself over others.. which, considering his upbringing is hardly surprising.

   Notice... how I keep saying I & MY... If Harcourt was in front of me, and laying the charm on thick... I would be swooning with the rest of the ladies & I can tell he's by and far more quick-witted then I could ever be in a very street-smarts sorta way... In fact, you know that bumbling oaf of a detective that keeps chasing down Lupin? That would totally be me!

......

   Squeeeeheeeeeee!!

        YOUJUSTMADEMEGIVEMYSELFTHEBESTIDEAEVERFORACHARACTER! OMC! BEBACKLATER!!

[Randimaxis 8,633]

Well... um... ow.

I thoroughly appreciate your review, and it certainly has given me a LOT to think about, to say the very least.  I asked for a critique, and I certainly got one - a very detailed one, at that.  Your eye for detail and (of course) your wit has definitely opened my eyes, and I am grateful for your work here.

I... really have no defense at all, so... yeah.

Thank you for your time.  *bows*

[Widdershins 9,955]

@Randimaxis

  What, no feedback on my feedback? How ever will I learn to properly critique?! Or would that make a feedback loop?...

   I do hope I don't come across as too specific or nitpicky. I do fully expect something back along the lines of what concepts you were aiming at, or your inspiration for such things as color schemes & so forth.

  Would you say Harcourt's adventures are entirely separate from the family's? I suppose that the way things are he can't exactly visit all that often without a big to-do. If you ever need a bumbling detective hot on his trail! I'm working on a stallion named Gum Shoe!

[Biohazarddallas 221]

Here is fine if that's what is more convenient.

[Widdershins 9,955]

Well, alrighty there then @Biohazarddallas! Here we start in on your own entry of:

  My first thing I want to point out:   A-are you sure you want to do this...? 

   Thing is, the species you've chosen is more or less an unknown at this point in time. Heck, in fact, for all the impact it could make on the movie and even less as to the franchise as a whole, (because really, how often are huge lifestyle-changing things like whole entire nations of whole entire new species ever touched on again in the series proper? Are any of us really all that sure that we're just gonna have anthro cats walkin' around the show after the movie hits? Somehow I think not. That'd be more work for the animators.) what could you really say about the given species as a whole?

  During the movie, any number of things could be said to force your hand into rewriting entire aspects about your character. Say, a tossaway line about some joke or something about all Abyssinians like to dance or Capper happens to be no more then three feet tall. There is loads of room here to work with, but that same freedom is also somewhat of a curse too. Far too much still in flux to pin anything down to specifics just yet.

  The shortest, simplest, most curt thing to start this off with is just the question of: "Well. Why not just do a furry OC then?"

    Like, you know that's the major problem most have with Capper. Any first impression is going to immediately connect & compare you with Capper as he is, and likely always will be, our only tie to the nation of Abyssinia as a whole. In fact, I don't think you even so much as mention Equestria or even ponies once in all that. If there's no tie to the franchise, then why not just be your own thing from your own universe then? Mind you, that's no criticism. You made no pretense of labeling him as specifically MLP only and he is an Original Character and I made a point of not limiting my thread here to anything as specific as the origin of these forums. 

  I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you are woefully under-related to the world he's supposedly residing in; which is something I'd like to see more of. Buuuut, that is neigh on impossible to do for my previously described points. Suppose the gates have not yet fully opened yet to involve a large bipedal cat to adventure along the sides of ponies.

    ...heh! But I'm sure we all know that's a thing already happening anyway in fan rps! 

  There is... however a few things that comes along with tying yourself to the world of Equestria, even be it through a yet-not-fully-discovered land. I'll... touch on that point when we get there.

 But for now! On with the details as I go through your page!

    First thing! The Name!

            ...El-I-As... Ben-Man-Sour?...  That... does not at all fit into the Equestria world. Way, way too ornate and actually name-like for this world. Look at your banner representitive! CAPPER!  THE CAT-RAPPER!  No! I'm not letting that go! I'll bet any of you a thousand dollars that he's getting a rap-style song at some point during the movie! You mark my words! It's so very stu-... *cough*  Pardon me. My, ah, my point is... names in this world are rather incredibly descriptive & pun-ish. There are a scattered few that could just as easily fit a human, but still do sort of fit the somewhat kidsy tone ponies tend to be known for. Sure, you're no pony, but we already have one example of naming conventions of the species that... th-that could only be described as an absolute, blatant Groaner of a joke-name. A trend that's almost unavoidable in this world if you do intend for your character to inhabit there.  So too, in addition... your character does seem to be the self-sufficent sort; a regular scrapper and adventurer. I get a very RPG-ish vibe off of him. The name still strikes me as unfitting there... its somehow rather posh and sophisticated for a guy that was born into poverty and dragged himself up into magical circles. Elias Benmansour sounds alot more like some pompous rich politician who just doesn't get the commonfolk. Heck, his brother "Jonathan" strikes me more as a kind of human-only sort of name. Were these just furry OCs untethered to any specific franchise in their own world, I wouldn't question it twice, but names that complex in an Equestrian world seem rather out of place.

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Nature: chaotic neutral

     Huh.... I've never thought of doing that. Kind of makes me wonder if I shouldn't actually research that whole meme/chart thing to figure out what that means, but I think we both know I'm not actually going to take the effort there, lol!  

  It's a nice touch, I must admit, and quite the rare one too, but don't think its entirely necessary. What is it for anyway? Like, if you plan to go on any involved adventure rps that might involve betraying other party members? How does that go...? Good/Neutral/Evil then chaotic/upper evil or... think I've got my own character that might fit into "chaotic neutral"

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Accent: South African/British 

   Wait?!!? You have two simultaneous accents!??! I don't think you can even do that! African is an accent?! WOOSH! Over my head! 

 

     Sigh... that's a good deal of clothing for this world, but... sigh... we have Capper that takes that point even further so... that is by & far a criticism I would much, much rather beat Capper over the head with than you. Works great for you, Points Granted.

  

  Hmm, do love the approach you took with magic. A more... shamanistic approach, I'll call it. And I'm sure you all know I know no shamans. Rather makes sense from what we've seen so far of magic being more or less requiring channeling or an organ of some sort like a unicorns horn. Potions, alchemy, rituals, wild magic, trinkets & so on are indeed a thing in Equestria (think that is also the name of the world as well as the nation & ruling government body... right?) but they're not as common or reliable as Unicorn horns which are pretty much a carried piece, if ya get me. Buuut... 

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 His raw power is boosted and focused through numerous tattoos under his fur. As well as rings, bracelets, and other jewelry. 

     H-how do... how do you tattoo UNDER fur?!!? As a being of rather dense fur as it is, let me tell you, its nearly impossible trying to get fingers down to the scalp of it much less whatever fancy tattooing doodadery you would need to do any sort of precision work that would facilitate spellcasting!! The baubles I'm fine with though, but that is loose enough to not be always reliable. Pickpockets, you know?

  Personality:

  Do like what you were aiming for there. Bit of a grifter, one prone to sleight-of-hand tricks and conniving his way.  I'd say a rogue sort, but that's not quite his class in so many words. Aye, a sort of polarizing personality that doesn't quite get along just so with everybeing in every meeting. Steps on toes here & there, but not always entirely on his fault.

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 The abundance of charisma and persuasiveness allows him to make friends easily. However those who spend any extended length of time with him tend to either be extremely loyal and trusting to him or they despise him completely. Ironically with many of his associates it’s a mixture of both. He never seems to have a simple relationship with anyone as it inevitably turns into something more layered and complex.

  But, unfortunately, You can't have it both ways though. Ain't no one going to be that far on either side of the spectrum there. There will be some who'll see the others who utterly despise him and maybe start getting suspicious themselves to get their guard up, or sort of friends who'll be fine having a drink with him or pal-ling around with him, but have a good handful of things they will not, like ever trust him with. Interpersonal relations aren't entirely black & white, everybeing mixes & matches from their own experiences. Only way he'd be able to have some infatuated while some fully against him would be to be a complete two-faced snake about everything all of the time (no offense to any of you with actual two-faced snake OCs!) and that very, very rarely doesn't blow up in everybeings' faces!

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(Like transferring a demonic pestilence onto an entire city in a magical game of chicken)

 That... seems like a story I want a quick summary of! Like something that might have a rather massive black mark on his morality or at least give him an incredibly dodgy moment of getting out scot-free without any blame on his tail! I happen to find that tossing in a few really short stories helps to pique interest but not tell enough about what exactly went down. Adds the feeling of stories left untold... because maybe there aren't too many around to give you opposing views of the story.

   Huergh... so... your Backstory:

  ....*patient lip-smacking noises*  Well, I'm... not going to berate you too much. I'll try not to. Best to try and keep one's personal bias out of critiquing, eh what? It is, after all, a frequently used habit among backstories & writers and I'm sure there's points where its viable and done well.

   But aaahh...  Looky here. One... two... three if you count the mother that abandoned and was never mentioned again... four if you count the father that never is touched on again. At least two characters just tossed in to die for the sole purpose of adding pathos to the main character.

  Look. I love me some pathos, no matter how dark it gets if it's done well! But still, the notion remains there. The brother and... babysitter?...ah, fellow friend & street rat (which, kind of deliciously ironic when you consider that they're cats.) those two are just killed off just to benefit your character somehow. Might as well just write a great big sign of "DIS WHERE DRAMA GOES!!!" 

    ...No... I'm not saying that's you sounding stupid. I'm saying that's exactly I would have wrote it if I was writing it. Ju' a great big ol' sign graphic of... Wait, where was I?

  I understand, you are entirely warranted in giving your character a sort of purpose. That's just a right mighty high cost to pay. Dooming characters to death to serve the story. I... I don't personally like death all that much. For much of any reason. Like, one gets accidentally eaten by a demon and I'm all like "Puh. Why even bother putting her in then? She just chumps out after being in their life for...what? A year or so without any emotional connection? 'S darn shame." 

  Nor does that really seem to impact his personality or the rest of the character all too much. You'd think... seeing several others get eaten alive, staring into the face of actual demons routinely would leave you a much, much bigger wreck.  

   Aaaand... that leads me onto probably my second biggest issue.

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fed up with Marco's treatment and abuse of her, had summoned a demon from tartarus to kill him. However, she was not able to control the monster and it soon began to attack her.

   Yyyyyyyeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh......... Noooooooooo, noooo......Nooooooooo......

    See. No. That ain't a thing here.

   Okay. To be fair. Demons, demonponies, incubi, succubi... that whole shameal, you'll find a good, healthy amount of other fans, rpers, whathaveyou, yadda yadda, that are perfectly fine involving that, even making OCs based around with that stuff. I'm willing to cut slack there.

  But that ain't happening in the show's cannon/world. You know whyyy? Because it's a Kids' Show. You wanna explain to your children why a thorned, blood-soaked hellspawn is errrrrupting out of the head of their cutesie, cartoon horsie character that they've grown attached to emotionally? Or the religious ramifications then?

  Look. Ya see demons an awful lot in fanworks or characters. They's cool n' stuff. But you don't [Redacted] mess with Demons, bro. There's two ways to do demons in fiction. Either they're nearly unstoppable antagonistic forces ala the show Supernatural or they're something you can weild with an alternate dimensional origin that paints them as more their own species rather then just soul-eating, unrepentant evil that... you know, the Bible sorta created them to be. I ask one question to all those who involve demons in their work. One simple question: "Where then are the Angels?"

  One does not just make pacts with demons. You don't win. That's the whole point of a demon. If they lost, they wouldn't be beings of pure evil, would they? That's what the show Supernatural knew about (and no, I ain't no fan of the show. It gets hilariously bad sometimes, that's where my enjoyment of it comes from, lol!) sure, there's some good drama to squeeze out of dealing with demons... but there's only one direction you can go from there. Demons are either mindless slaves (like say, in some rpg games) or the symbols of all undefeatable evil in the world. Demons are pretty much the most legitimate polarizing topic you could talk about. Any character that deals with demons should know full well, like a lion tamer or hazardous-waste-removal-technician, that there will be only one outcome to the path they have chosen. And It ain't gonna be a pretty end.

   But, as much as I talk about demons (Look, I'm sorry. I'm a nerd and I've roleplayed a Warlock before. Hard to shift gears, lol.) That ain't the point I'm upset about.

 

    That ain't Tartarus. Tartarus ain't Hell.

 Tartarus is just a prison. We've seen Tartarus in the show. You really think there would be a named Hell in Pony World? As much of a reputation fans of the show will give it; Tartarus is just a bunch of huge cages in a creepy cave. It's where they put the big villains & irredeemable crooks. Basically an Alcatraz. There's no more magic or demons there then what they use for defense and keeping the villains in.

  Yeah... I mean... Sure. That's where they kept the Three-Story Vampiric Centaur and likely worse in there guarded by a Cerberus, buuut... uh. In my defense, Cerberus is just a really big, friendly puppy dog. They were selling an Orthos (two-headed dog? I pronounce that right?) at a yard sale. Stuff that magical is commonplace here. 

   Which... I suppose, following that logic, you could have an innocuous demonic species in this world that isn't the whole... blood ritual- pentagram summoning stuff. Point is, ain't nobeing that intentionally summons face-chewing demons doesn't know that's also how they'll go down. It's like carrying guns, you know man? Probably why there ain't guns in this pony world either. Though, to be fair on that front, them pies look like their baked to an almost fatal degree.

   Thick enough meringue congealed on your face, and you'll wish a bullet did the job.

      ....

                   Now I want pie and have completely forgotten my topic.

[Widdershins 9,955]

Well, this Review Thread has been left unattended for neigh on a year now. And as I say with the threads I hold reign over: If ya don't give me any material to work off of, I'll gladly supply it for myself! So, from out of random blue & without further ado...

 My Review of Howard Philips Lovecraft's The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath!

I share a empathic connection to H.P Lovecraft. He didn't lead an easy life. Granted, loads nicer than Poe's, but... he was another one of those old authors that never got his due in his time. For really obvious reasons! H.P doesn't write like others... and certainly not like fantasy/science fiction did in his day. See, he writes Mood. Not action, as was heavy in writing of his time, nor really character development nor really... cohesive... world building... or really did he even actually finish half of the stories he literally dreamed up...

 Fiction was, at the time, only really distributed via magazines for that express purpose. As anyone who has ever read Lovecraft will tell you, he isn't someone you pick up for a short story to read in front of your fireplace then titter about with your ditzy aunts about. If a guy like ol' Howard Philips wants to actually get noticed & PAID for his work... he'll need some... "help." And relating to actual human beings is yet another one of those weaknesses of H.P's.

  All throughout this tale, I could see the process working. Pale, sickly, depressed, scrawny, anemic, hateful, Goth-before-it-was-a-thing  waif that Lovecraft was before some loud, overbearing, overweight, be-handlebar mustachioed, magazine editor fat cat that he had to put up with because Lovecraft was clearly gonna die without the paycheck.

 "Please to... make your acquaintance, Mister-"

  "SAY! HOWARD, OLD BOY!!!"

 "Please. Don't. Call me... I prefer to-"

     "READ YOUR STUFF!! Great magic hoopla you work there! Doom n' dread n' all that really does grab the audience by their coattails, it does, it does!"

 "Than-"

      "TROUBLE IS, my old boy! Doesn't quite digest well, you know? And I daresay I know a good deal about digestion,ho-ho! But enough mirth, my boy! What YOU NEED is a connecting thread to all of your stuff & enough of all your random death nonsense!"

 " Well, I write about a slow, steady build of dramatic tension and corruption. My writing style doesn't really lend itself to connecting into-"

    "WHICH IS WHY I have decided for you to bring in a CO-AUTHOR to SPICE UP your dreaded treacly balderdash! Don't you worry none about any credit to him; my nephew needs the practice! Just about a good thirteen pages roundabout the center for..."

 Lovecraft, muttering under his breath: "Great. Just have to drown out his part with yet more prose..."

   "...DOES some great military action scenes! Really gets the old blood a'boiling, you know! Some rousting battlefield tactics will-"

"But I did say, Sir. I write... "Suspense." I don't have clear villains or even heros in my Mythos."

    " 'My Toes' You say? What kerfuffle! Say! You recently wrote something about an ancient species that humans & witches came from, didn't you, Old Boy?"

   " ...the... ghouls..? They were a degregation and more mindless daemons to instil a sense of horror int-"

  "THOSE'LL DO NICELY! A wolffish horde! Thrilling! And we'll have to do something about tying it all together... have some chap wandering through all your places & gad about sightseeing as you so like!"

 "My stories don't all happen on the same plane of existence... and few of my characters actually survive..."

    "No matter, no matter! Just make a fellow up. You're all about the mood anyway."

Lovecraft, muttering to himself again: "Well... more for my self-insert OC to do anyway..."

  "I'm sure it'll all go SWIMMINGLY! I'll have Little Georgie shoot you a letter in the post & in a decade or so you two boys will flesh something out!"

  Lovecraft suddenly develops a vicious nervous twitch.

 

    There is just SO much wrong with Dream-Quest that it makes it more beautiful to where you have to find it for yourself! The main character just suddenly gaining abilities, what was just a monster mere chapters ago gaining enough sentience to fight in a sudden war scene, so much scenery being thrown at you before the other author takes hold of the narrative in one last ditch attempt to have cohesiveness while simultaneously not caring what the new guy does, Lovecraft's Cat Worship...

 Really feels like the reader is kneeling, face in the crook of an arm in laughter, asking what is UP with Lovecraft & the author just pouting in response: "Well, shaddup. I needed to get published! Least I still got my story out!"

 It is a SLOG! How many times you are left wondering just why we bothered to change scene at all. How so very much could be edited out entirely as Lovecraft (Lovecraft! Of all writers!) clearly wanted it much shorter. How very little any of it actually means considering the impetus of the story... and yet..

 It's well worth the journey to its final page. Where Lovecraft, considering the message & lesson he tends to depend on, ends with the simple, beautiful fable that just maybe... Reality is more beautiful than Fantasy. That more reason to live can be found in the Everyday than in some ethereal, endless chase.~

 

    .... whiiiich he's written better elsewhere, but give H.P some credit. Leave him to rest somewhere where his head isn't in a vise.

 This needs to be a movie! A colossal, Confused mess, but lot worse has seen the screen & H.P is there to open minds!

[Shadow Beam 1,179]

While your writing skills are always appreciated, it should be noted that this topic should be focused mainly in Original Characters, as any other course would be a deviation from the section's purpose. I would suggest to use blog posts instead. ^^

[Widdershins 9,955]

@Shadow Beam 

 Aye, but I always intended this to be a catch-all review thread for whatever projects any might be working on. Though I do admit preexisting works of fiction are certainly unfocused off of that. 

 I did put this in a more general Review Shop place, right?

[Shadow Beam 1,179]

Mmph, I'd suggest to keep one topic focused on reviewing characters here (since that is the main focus of the section) and relocate other types of content into blog posts, as I don't think reviews of other works would properly fit in other categories of OH.

While we do prefer to avoid having multiple topics, it's preferable to keep them organized according to the section they are currently present in.