Anyone interested in helping me flesh out a fanfic idea?

[janedoe0987 1]

I have an idea for a fanfiction that is set shortly after the episode where the Cutie Mark Crusaders get their cutie marks, and is meant to be like this universe's equivalent to a school shooting. I'm thinking of making this into something that could plausibly work in the show's universe (not some sort of ludicrously balls-to-the-wall gorefic like Cupcakes).

The story begins when the unicorn foals are doing some magic lessons at school (led by Princess Twilight?). However, Dinky (aka the little background unicorn filly with the gray body and blonde mane) is having more difficulty with the spells than the rest of the class. Diamond Tiara tries to be a leader and help her at first, but Dinky (and maybe some of the other foals in the class, including the "freak" ones she called out during that particular episode?) still don't fully trust her even after she's been redeemed. DT tries to still help Dinky, but quickly gets frustrated and slips back into being a bully, saying that Dinky can't do magic because she's "broken" just like her mother Derpy, which has a more negative impact on the young unicorn's self-esteem. The CMC's call Diamond Tiara out on her behavior and try to remind her of the true meaning of her cutie mark, but their words fall on deaf ears.

The bullying eventually escalates over time to the point where one day, Diamond Tiara has Dinky backed into a corner, surrounded by all the other foals in the class. The CMC's are at the back of the crowd and can't really see what's going on. Cheerilee tries to control her students but is unable to. Suddenly, Dinky starts involuntarily glowing with magic energy, causing the crowd of foals to get scared and run away from her. Diamond Tiara tries to run at the last minute but is hit full-on by Dinky's magic blast, causing her to be seriously injured and sent to the hospital, where she'll be mostly incapacitated until near the ending.

After this, Diamond Tiara's parents (primarily her mother Spoiled Rich) accuse Dinky of intentionally hurting their daughter and say that she's too dangerous to be around other foals. Some of the adult ponies in town have already questioned Derpy's parenting abilities prior to the incident, and have now fully turned on her after the event. Although Derpy works hard to provide everything that her daughter needs, Dinky still feels like their situation is entirely her fault. Which means taking her away would be even worse for Dinky, especially because she’d blame herself. Now that the adult citizens of Ponyville are pushing for the pony equivalent of Child Protective Services to get Dinky taken away from her mother, believing that she's unfit to raise the young filly, who should be sent to some sort of juvenile detention facility. It seems as if the situation has now become hopeless and no resolution is in sight for the struggling mother and daughter due to this string of unfortunate events.

But NOW it's up to Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to get the truth out and set things right.

Since Twilight is a princess now, she and the rest of the M6 are seen as voices of authority, and so the town of Ponyville is looking to them for guidance on how to handle the situation. But they're conflicted over whether they should punish Derpy & Dinky or try to help them. This is where the CMC would step in, specifically telling how they personally relate to the situation and reminding their older sisters of the lessons about friendship that they learned from them based on their respective Elements of Harmony:

• Apple Bloom has a quirky relative (Granny Smith) just like Dinky has with her mom. She reminds Applejack about how she taught her to always tell the truth no matter what, and encourage friends and family to do the same.
• Sweetie Belle was also shy and has struggled with learning magic just like Dinky. She reminds Rarity about how she taught her to always give/do whatever she can to help out those in need.
• Since Scootaloo can't fly, she relates to Dinky's (seeming?) inability to learn magic. She reminds Rainbow Dash about how she taught her to always stick up for a friend no matter what.

Diamond Tiara should get a redemption too. When the CMC's finally succeed in clearing Dinky's name, they call DT out for being a bully again despite having realized the true meaning of her cutie mark with their previous help. DT then owns up to her actions and apologizes to Dinky. Since Twilight is now the Princess of Friendship, she could give a speech at the end praising the CMC's for the work they did to support their friends. (I'm not sure how Pinkie and/or Fluttershy could play much of a significant role, or if they even should)

What do you guys think? Any ideas for a title, or more things to add to the plot? Anyone interested in helping me write this?

[SharpWit 2,608]

@janedoe0987

That "equivalent" bit at the beginning really threw me off for a bit. 

I like the idea of Diamond having a setback and learning how to be patient. It's really nice when you show that a character still has room for improvement after they've completed their main arc, especially since it's never really over and such a waste to throw someone away.

While I do enjoy darker takes, I think this goes a little too far to fit in line for the show.

Beginning Premise.

Diamond and Dinky could be assigned together as partners in a school project by Cheerilee, in which they have to help each other learn something new and demonstrate it to the class.

Conflict.

Diamond ignores her part at first, as she thinks she can learn something new with ease. Dinky mentions that she's struggled with her magic, and happens to be behind her other unicorn classmates, all whom choose to write with telekinesis rather than with their mouths at this point. Diamond jumps at this opportunity and they happily begin practice, however she gets frustrated with the lack of progress, and her background as a privileged member of society as well as being an Earth Pony, make it difficult for her to relate to the problem at hoof, or horn in this case. Diamond openly berates her, to which the Cutie Mark Crusaders react and remind her that she should be nice.

Rising Action.

At the end of the day, she leaves the school feeling somewhat defeated. Why can't Dinky do something so seemingly simple as lifting a stupid pencil? On her way home, she stops at the construction site of her father's latest business enterprise. Filthy Rich is currently overseeing some renovated plans, when she sees the project manager go by in a huff. He goes up to a worker who's fallen asleep, only to rudely awaken him. The worker apologizes and says he's tired from there being so much to do. The manager says there wouldn't be so much if he worked harder, and that he perhaps needs some motivation, implying he'll get fired if he doesn't pick up the pace. This plants a thought, that all she needs to do is motivate Dinky, but sadly takes it away in a negative context.

Climax.

The next day, Diamond and Dinky start practicing again. Dinky is doing a little bit better, actually able to set an aura around small objects and get them to wiggle. She tires however, and sparks fizzle from her horn. She looks forward to taking a break at recess, but Diamond has other plans. She trots up to Dinky, looming a shadow over her and tosses down a notebook and pencil. She instructs her to write her name. Dinky is confused but complies. She picks it up in her mouth though to her dismay, Diamond smacks it out, and sternly tells her to use her magic. Dinky says she's tired and that they can work on it later. Diamond yells that she doesn't care, which gets the attention of the other students. Dinky again objects but Diamond lays down the hammer, continuing to yell at her, making her back her away into a wall. She throws the notebook and pencil again, this time directly at Dinky, who has tears in her eyes. The other students gather around, some clearly upset, others amused. The CMC decide its time to get Cheerilee. Meanwhile Dinky is feeling overwhelmed and the crowding of the students regardless of whether theyre empathetic or not isn't helping. She gives in and tries using her magic, but Daimond isn't letting up, even though she's holding the pencil up in the air.

(Apologies if writing shifts, Girlfriend is on an international flight and had the opportunity to chat with her for an hour so focus may have gotten a little broken, and it's been a long day, lol.)

Daimond's saying, what's the matter, why can't you write your name!? Stop being such a baby, is that a pencil or a pacifier? To which Dinky snaps, sending the pencil down onto the notebook, but with the uncontrolled spell on top it creates an explosion. The students are sent back, the school's windows shatter, Daimond and Dinky are sent flying back. They both get up wide eyed just as Cheerilee and the CMC come running out. From nearby one of the Mane 6 comes galloping over making sure no one is hurt.

Falling Action.

At Twilight's castle, we see Spoiled Rich going on about the danger Daimond was put into, with her present, along with Derpy, Dinky, Cheerilee, whichever of the Mane 6 had gone over, and Twilight listening, clearly annoyed by Spoiled, but taking what's happened very seriously. She chooses to speak to the parents and Cheerilee in private, when they return its been decided that the two will continue their project but within the safety of the castle with some Princess Supervision. After all, Twilight knows what it's like to struggle with magic and make things go boom. Daimond doesn't have any more outbursts but things don't seem to be going any better. Twilight eventually has other duties to attend to and the girls go home for the day.

Resolution.

Daimond stops at the construction site again, and receives a mild scolding from Filthy Rich over what happened at School, saying he's lost the number of times he's paid for new windows to reference past incidents the town's gone through, but not expecting it to be from her. She complains about the difficulty of the project and that she doesn't know what to do. He cuts her off when he sees that worker from before struggling with a load of bricks on his back, legs ready to buckle. He swoops in just in time to keep them from falling. The worker is very surprised and thanks Filthy Rich for his help, who comments on this being far too much for one pony to carry alone as a bead of sweat rolls down his face. After setting the bricks down, he says they'd be a lot more productive if they weren't overworked, and offers to let him and the others take the rest of the day off so they'll feel better tomorrow. The worker thanks him again before Filthy returns to Diamond. She realizes that her motivation was misplaced and that she needs to be more supportive of Dinky. She thanks her father who looks on with a confused smile as she runs off. She goes to Dinky's house and apologizes. She accepts and they work some more on their project. The next day the present just as a custodian pony finishes cleaning the newly installed windows. We get a voice over of the lesson Daimond learned while Dinky does something like passing an apple through three levitating hoops, which is beyond what any of the other unicorn students could do at that time, and we end on a happy note.

Roll Credits.

Didn't really mean to write up an entire thing coming into this, but I think conceptually your story had some really good parts to it. I just don't see CPS getting involved in a children's TV show given how serious things usually have to be for that to happen. But it would work very well if you want to expand it from that audience. 

Edited October 9, 2021 by SharpWit