I need an editor

[pinkiefan1287 610]

I need an editor for my fan-fic. Someone was helping me, but he is now a band user on this site and I don't know how to contact him.

 

The story is about Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake and the story takes place 3 weeks after their birth and they don't get along with each other. I have the ideas down, but I am not a great writer so I just need help with editing. Their are 3 chapters to it and the once I get the forth one done I well post it.

 

Please can someone help me. The people who read my story like it, but they feel it would be better if it was written better and I feel bad about that. I feel like I am letting them down. So please someone help a poor writer.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27869/Together

[Winona the Dog 1,984]

Ummm i could be your editor if you dont mind...

[Happysalesman 23]

Hmmm, well firstly, don't feel bad about your writing not being up to snuff. Everyone starts somewhere, but the greatest part about being an awful writer at first? Years from now when you've honed your skills you'll look back at that first piece of work you ever wrote, and you'll grin like a madman because of how far you've come.

 

Anyway, onto the story! (I'm gonna warn you, this might sound like I'm being super picky, but I guarantee it's only to help you!)

 

Right off the bat, the biggest problem your story has is that your writing is lacking substance and flow. "Show, don't tell" is the biggest thing new writers forget about. And that's exactly what happened here. Take your first paragraph for example: It was night time in the town of Ponyville. At the Sugarcube Corner, slept the twins, Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake. They were both sleeping soundly in their bed. Pound was moving his hoofs around as if he were running or flying and Pumpkin Cake was cuddled up with her butterfly stuffed animal. Both were sleeping well.

 

Your writing too factually. Don't just tell me what's going on, describe it! Beat me over the head with descriptive words until my nose bleeds rainbows and I'm struck blind by the sheer beauty of the image! Perhaps something like: "Night had fallen over the small town of Ponyville. One by one, ponies turned out the lights and crawled in bed, ready for a full night's rest. The pastry shop, Sugarcube Corner, was no exception, as inside were two twin foals, Pound and Pumpkin Cake, fast asleep in their cribs. Little Pound was having a puppy dream, his legs kicking at the air as he chased after an object only his imagination could conjure. Pumpkin however, slept peacefully, her hooves wrapped around a stuffed butterfly that had been given to her by Rarity as a foal shower gift."

 

That's actually your only glaring issue. It's a doozy, but most everything else seems to be well in order. Your grammar isn't perfect, but I've seen worse, and same with your spelling. Also, for what I can only assume are only a few months old, Pound seems disbelievingly intelligent. No 3 week old foal is intelligent enough to make a noise, and worry about waking their twin sister. Let alone have an active hate for stuffed animals. I'm not saying you shouldn't write this, but your characterization will need to be improved if you want your audience to be able to suspend their disbelief.

 

Now, this review was based off of a skimming of your first chapter. I could go over it with a fine tooth comb, but there's no sense in beating you over the head with critiques. If you want, I can be your editor/mentor/whatever adjective you want to use. And I won't just edit your work, I'll work with you to improve your writing.

 

So if you want my help, PM me and we can get started, if not, best wishes to you!