Need help on editing Secrets

[Zanther 15]

Ok, do need some opinions on this, also any ideas to make it possibly longer as each chapter needs to be around 3k works or so. Any suggestions are always helpful. Yes, this does seem similar to the season 1 episode where Twilight is missing in the forest but trust me, different. That, and I plan to add more to this chapter, mostly a prologue and add in Spike to the mix and some more on their first round exploring.

 

 

Secrets: Chapter 1- Missing

 

Everfee Forest, full of mystery and danger. There are many different creatures that make their home in the forest, some bizarre and others normal. But the forest also has its secrets, dark secrets. Sometimes, these secrets are best to be kept as such and never found.

 

A loud banging startled and woke up the yellow Pegasus from her sleep. As if on instinct she tried to hide herself under her covers until she realized that it was someone pounding hard on her door. Quickly she rushed to the door and opened it, only to see Applejack exhausted. “What's up AJ?” quizzed Fluttershy when she sees her. “I need you to wake up Rainbow Dash and meet me and the others over at Twilight’s. I'll explain more when you arrive.” Without being able to say anything else Applejack ran off towards Twilight’s. Still puzzled, Fluttershy never the less took to the air in search of Rainbow Dash. It didn't take long for her to find the sleeping sky blue mare on top of a cloud. Given the fact that it was early morning, this was no surprise. Actually, it would be a surprise to see her up before 9. Fluttershy, normally being the quiet type, had to figure a way to wake the sleeping pony. First she tried to poke Rainbow Dash, but all it did was make her turn over. Sensing an urgency to Applejack's voice, Fluttershy did the one thing Pegasus are good at and quickly moved the cloud, knocking Rainbow Dash off.

 

“Hey!” said the now rudely awoken Pegasus. “What gives?”

“Applejack told me to wake you up and meet over at Twilight’s. It sounded very urgent.”

“Alright then, lets head over.”

 

Soon the two of them were entering Twilight’s library. The rest of the gang was already there. “What took you?” said Applejack to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. “You know how hard it is to wake Rainbow Dash up.” said Fluttershy. “Well, alright but now that you two are here, I can start.” said the earth pony. “The reason for all this and at such an early hours is that Apple Bloom is missing.” A slight gasp escaped from all present. “At first I didn't think nothing of it as she's not been in her room in the morning before. Figured her and her friends spent the night in the Tree-house or something, as she didn't come home for supper. What gave me the notion, however, was when Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo came over and was asking for her so they could try some new ideas. I quickly checked all of her known areas around the ranch and found no trace of her. So I'm asking you guys to help me look for her. Who knows what type of trouble she has gotten herself into.”

 

“Of course we will help you.” spoke up Twilight. “If she isn't on the ranch, do you have any other ideas where she could possibly be at?”

 

“I think I remember her talking about seeing Zecora. I guess that would be a good of place as any to start.” said Applejack. So off the group went into the Everfree Forest. After about half an hour they arrived at the little hut where Zecora lived. The knocked on her door and were greeted by the mysterious Zebra. “What can I do for you, ones up just after the cock goes cock-a doodle-do?”

 

Applejack spoke up quickly and in an almost frantic voice “Have you seen my sister? She said she was going to see you yesterday.”

 

“I know of the one of who you speak for. She was here, also at my door. Attempt at potion making was her goal, so that she maybe no longer a foal. This however did not come true, so I had to bid her ado.”

 

“So the last you saw her was when she left. Could mean something happened to her on her way home. Did you hear anything Zecora?” asked the orange earth pony.

 

“Quite it has been you see, I'm sorry.” With that the six friends bid Zecora farewell and went of into the woods to search. After the six were gone the Zebra said to herself, “My poor child, what have you done? I pray that there will only be just one.”

 

Out in the woods, the six of them decided to split into groups of three. Fluttershy went with Rainbow Dash, Rarity with Twilight, and Pinky Pie with Applejack. The two Pegasus took to the air to see if they could find anything from a higher vantage point while the rest fanned out some and started to search the ground. Pinky Pie was trying to cheer up AJ but to no avail as the orange earth pony would glare at her every time. “I'm sorry Pinky. It's just I'm really worried about Apple Bloom. This is just not like her. I've always warned her about venturing off into the woods alone. Now looks what's happened. I just really hope we find her and soon.” Meanwhile Dash and Fluttershy were sweeping above the trees and under their branches looking for any signs. It was also easier to see any ravines that she may of fallen into. They all kept on searching for two hours before Rarity shouted. “I've found something!” With a rush everyone gathered around her. Laying on the ground was a large red ribbon. Well, what remained of one. It was torn and tattered and without an owner. Applejack sank down. This is not what she had hopped for. It would seem something in the woods has her sister.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Zanther

[ShikaTheSingingPony 20]

Okay. First and foremost, get a decent editor. Either that, or proofread better. I may be a bit of a grammar nazi, but parts of that fic made my eyes burn. Secondly, this seems quite similar to a few episodes actually in the show. Find something to make it unique, and do that quickly. You'll never hear the end of it if you don't. Overall, good start. Like I said, uniqueness and editing, but good start. I edit for a few other writers, like this one: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/43247/Fallout-Equestria%3A-Wanderers If you like, I can go through your piece here tonight or tomorrow. I don't mind.

[Zanther 15]

Thanks. That's the main reason I'm wanting to post on these forums is to have someone like you help me in that regard. I will admit i've only seen about half of season 2 due to not having access to the Hub and my computer until recently hasn't liked Youtube, but also been really busy and only have gotten up to the episode where Spike was greedy. May I ask what episodes this sounds familiar to? Even though just the first part, I'm fairly sure this will not end up similar to any of the current shows.

 

*Edit: Realized at work that ya, it does have a somewhat similarity to the episode where Twilight gets petra'd by a Cockatrace.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Zanther