You are a Blank Flank - A Text Adventure

[Spider's Claw 213]

> ATTACK CANDLES in search of WEAPONS

 

Bad news! You can't seem to find any candles! Candles are so outdated and stupid and who even uses them anymo-- you spy some candles in the distance, up on top of that hill! You run up to the hill and smash the candles on the wall of the building with your hoof. No items to be found here!

 

You inspect your surroundings and notice you're standing outside the royal family's castle.

 

Natural Harmonia

Condition: Fine

Talent: Protagonist

Inventory (1/4): Broken Wooden Stake

[Kinvara 117]

>Find a way to sneak into the castle.

[Slendermane 477]

Don't go into the castle yet, just find a way in for latter. First, you need a way to actually fight the vampire.

[Spider's Claw 213]

> Find a way to sneak into the castle.

 

You stroll past the large, open front doors of the castle, instead opting to find a way you can sneak in. As you look around the side of the castle, you hear a loud voice speaking in a really bad German accent.

 

"Achtung! Zere ist un intruder outside of ze castle!"

 

You can't tell where the voice is coming from. A spotlight from one of the guard towers shines on you. You flee back to town.

 

Don't go into the castle yet, just find a way in for latter. First, you need a way to actually fight the vampire.

 

Good call. Unfortunately, you weren't able to find a way in other than the front door, but oh well! You return to the town. The streets are empty, as expected, and the vampire is presumably back in her mansion. Alright, vampire, make way for NATURAL HARMONIA. Your only weapon is a broken wooden stake, but you GOT THIS. YOU GOT THIS SO HARD.

 

Natural Harmonia

Condition: Fine

Talent: Protagonist

Inventory (1/4): Broken Wooden Stake

[Kinvara 117]

> Get better weapons

[The Great and Powerful Trixie 78]

> RETURN TO TOWN to RECEIVE CRYPTIC MESSAGES from VILLAGERS

[Spider's Claw 213]

> RETURN TO TOWN to RECEIVE CRYPTIC MESSAGES from VILLAGERS

 

You return to St. Arion and begin knocking on the doors of the villagers. Surely they have lots of useful information!

 

"Royalty is manipulated by the one with shades."

"The blank flank princess is said to wander at night."

"That's a very nice flank you have there."

"There is a vampire!"

 

> Get better weapons

 

Enough of that silliness. You approach the "EMPEROR'S ARMORY (quality weapons and equipment!)" store, and prepare to enter. You then notice the CLOSED sign in the window. It seems as though this store is open only during the day. Lightning strikes again. You look behind you. You can make out the faint silhouette of the vampire, watching you from the window of her mansion.

 

Natural Harmonia

Condition: Fine

Talent: Protagonist

Inventory (1/4): Broken Wooden Stake

[The Great and Powerful Trixie 78]

> LOAF AROUND until DAY

[Kinvara 117]

>Break fourth wall

[Slendermane 477]

You still need money in order to buy weapons.

[Spider's Claw 213]

> LOAF AROUND until DAY

You sit down on the step of the armory. Might as well wait around for the sun to rise. This is terrible. You've accomplished nothing. You couldn't infiltrate the castle, you couldn't get weapons, and you couldn't kill the vampire. Worst of all, you didn't get paid.

 

You still need money in order to buy weapons.

Wait! That reminds you! You can't buy weapons because you need money! And you can't get money unless you kill the vampire! And you can't kill the vampire unless you get weapons! And you can't get weapons unless you get money!

 

What a conundrum. Unless...

 

>Break fourth wall

You turn toward the fourth wall and put on your best puppy dog eyes. You beg Kinvara to donate money to your noble cause, that is, killing the vampire so you get fame and fortune. Kinvara does not seem interested in your plight. You go back to moping, and occasionally staring up at the mansion. The vampire has ceased her watching. She finds you far too boring, it seems.

 

Natural Harmonia

Condition: Fine

Talent: Protagonist

Inventory (1/4): Broken Wooden Stake

[Slendermane 477]

I break the 4th wall to donate 400 bits to the cause.

[The Great and Powerful Trixie 78]

> BECOME STREET PERFORMER

[Kinvara 117]

>Do the Safety Dance

[Spider's Claw 213]

I break the 4th wall to donate 400 bits to the cause.

 

The fourth wall mended itself and is violently rejecting your donation! Oh no! Surely this is the work of an evil wizard or mad scientist!

 

Possibly a German one. Lightning strikes again.

 

> BECOME STREET PERFORMER

 

You have no other options. You must become a street performer. Of course, it's night time now and St. Arion has a vampire, so nopony is in the street. You begin your routine anyway.

 

>Do the Safety Dance

 

This routine naturally consists of a variety of dances invented by things that are not ponies. After walking backwards and crotch grabbing for some minutes, you get an idea. Your routine needs song, no matter how much the song conflicts with your actual dancing. These guys wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

 

WE CAN DANCE IF WE WANT TO

WE CAN LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS BEHIND

'CAUSE YOUR FRIENDS DON'T DANCE AND IF--

 

You are interrupted by a mare who asks what you are doing.

 

You tell her you need money to kill the vampire. She says it's nothing to worry about, really, and she'll tell you why--

 

Or she would, but she is interrupted by one of the royal guards coming up the road. He speaks to the blue pony. He asks what she is doing out of the castle. Doctor von Ponington is looking for her. The pony responds by saying she always takes walks in St. Arion at night. Unlike the rest of the royal family, she actually sort of cares about the ponies of the town. Not enough to rule, no, but enough to see whether or not it's been burned to the ground yet.

 

The royal guard does not share the princess' feelings. He says von Ponington told him that no matter what, he wants her back in the castle. She asks why von Ponington has that much power in the castle. The guard does not respond. He merely beckons her to follow. She knew she had no choice but to follow.

 

Just as she was about to tell you a secret about the vampire!

[Kinvara 117]

>FOLLOW THEM

[Spider's Claw 213]

>FOLLOW THEM

 

Sure, that's a good idea. You locate the nearest bush, pry it from the ground, and hide behind it, moving it along and following the guard and the princess. The guard is trying to make some sort of conversation with her.

 

"So, Princess Minuet, the weather sure is lovely, isn't it?"

 

She only mumbles that she would rather be called Moonlight. Stop with the Princess Minuet crap, please. The guard does not respond. Moonlight goes on to say that no, the weather sucks, there's thunder and lightning all the time because of Doctor von Ponington's stupid Lightning Machine.

 

The princess and the guard stop outside of the castle. It seems someone overheard them.

 

"Doctor von Ponington's stupid Lightning Machine? Is zat vhat you are calling it? I vill have you know zat it is Doctor von Ponington's GENIUS Lightning Machine, fitting for a pony of my genius!"

 

You can't get a good look at the speaker. He instructs the two to come into ze castle, now. It is late.

 

Lightning strikes again, no doubt because of this... Lightning Machine.

 

Natural Harmonia

Condition: Fine

Talent: Protagonist

Inventory (1/4): Broken Wooden Stake

[The Great and Powerful Trixie 78]

> ASK MYSTERIOUS VOICE if he knows about ZA MAGICS

[Linguz 140]

Break the Lightning Machine.

[Kinvara 117]

Darn it.

Edited October 22, 2011 by Kinvara

[Spider's Claw 213]

> ASK MYSTERIOUS VOICE if he knows about ZA MAGICS

 

Moonlight and the guard enter the castle. The doctor watches the two of them go inside. He begins to follow after a few moments. You take this time to abandon your clever disguise and run up to von Ponington. You say hello and ask if he knows about ZA MAGICS.

 

He turns to you and stares through his stupid pretentious glasses. He seems somewhat offended you would actually mention magic. He says zat zere ist no such thing as magic, you silly foal. Zere are only ze sciences, unt magic ist fake and fictitious and false, a fairy tale zat entirely too many people believe. You tell him that not only is magic a very common and very real thing in Equestria, he is a goddamn unicorn.

 

He shoves his hoof in your mouth to quiet you, and then quickly corrects you. He ist not a unicorn, no. He prefers to zink of himself as a sciencepony. Now get avay from ze castle, zere ist verk to be done.

 

Break the Lightning Machine.

Breaking the Lightning Machine is impossible! You:

1) Have no idea where it is

2) Probably have no access to where it is

3) Doctor von Ponington is somewhat scary and you'd best do as he says

 

The good doctor turns and walks into the castle. A book falls out of his lab coat pocket and onto the grass on the hilltop. He doesn't notice. The doors of the castle slam shut behind him.

 

Natural Harmonia

Condition: Fine

Talent: Protagonist

Inventory (1/4): Broken Wooden Stake

[Kinvara 117]

> Pick up zat book and read it.

[Linguz 140]

Grab a large rock from someplace nearby and shove it in your bag.

Edited October 22, 2011 by Linguz

[Spider's Claw 213]

> Pick up zat book and read it.

 

Before you head to the village, you decide that book might be valuable. You pick it up and look at the cover.

 

JOURNAL OF DOCTOR NUCLEAR CHEMISTRY VON PONINGTON

 

You flip through it, picking out any useful bits of foreshadowing or information.

 

With the power of science, I have cured the young Prince Tango's mysterious illness. The royal family trusts me. Excellent.

 

-=-=-=-=-

 

The Lightning Machine shows promise. With it, I can create storms so dark and depressing and powerful that not even the most powerful pegasi could stop it. I just need to figure out how to increase the range of it, and I can create storms all over Equestria!

 

-=-=-=-=-

 

My plan is going swimmingly. My "vampire" rules St. Arion through fear, just as expected of my lackeys. If only that albino colt could learn. But then again, the stakes aren't quite so high for dear Igor. He has no family, the vampire does. How easy it is to manipulate a pony by making some threats toward their family.

 

Better yet, the vampire provides me with a steady source of ponies. My project will be soon be complete.

 

-=-=-=-=-

 

Ponystein is complete. All I need is the right moment to bring it to life. It is beautiful, glorious. An unholy combination of several kidnapped residents of St. Arion, slowly tortured and killed. It makes Ponystein that much stronger. With this, I will lay siege to the castle, murder the royal family, take over St. Arion, and then... Equestria, I suppose. Conquest and domination, basically. I deserve it. I am a genius. And if that fails, then there's always the Plague Machine. I win either way.

 

You stash VON PONINGTON'S JOURNAL into your inventory.

 

Grab a large rock from someplace nearby and shove it in your bag.

 

Fortunately, the hill has lots of rocks! You pick one up and stash it into your inventory along with the journal.

 

Natural Harmonia

Condition: Fine

Talent: Protagonist

Inventory (3/4): Broken Wooden Stake | Doctor von Ponington’s Journal | Rock

[Linguz 140]

Sell the rock at the market.