Dramatic Monologue: If someone could give some feedback, I'd love you forever!

[MrPandaa 204]

Hey, peeps!  I'm writing a dramatic monologue for my AP English IV class, and I'm ready to turn it in and everything, but I'm a little unsure if it's appropriate (not in content, but in style), because it's different from any of the examples the teacher provided.  Could someone perhaps do me a huge favor and give a bit of feedback?

Thanks, guys & gals! :wubs: You're awesomesauce!

 

The poem itself:

 

And here you see,

in the moonlight,

my love—my darling—

once upon a time.

 

But now stone,

a mere shadow,

of what she was—could have been—

once upon a time.

 

Who can say?

Can you tell, good sir?

What she once was,

beautiful, elegant,

poised.

 

Once upon a time.

 

Sticks and stones,

lifeblood,

hear my words:

“with staff, with rune,

seal this beast

for all time.”

 

Once upon a time,

she was here.

Flesh and blood.

But now she sleeps

eternally.

 

Who can say?

Can you—anyone—tell?

Why she she once was,

but is no more.

 

Temptation,

once upon a time.

But no more.

 

I have made us safe

from her.

[ghostfacekiller39 23,857]

Alright, feedback time

It has good intent and meaning to it; however, the way it's structured is NOT easy on the eyes. Too short, too choppy, and it made it much more difficult to read; now, I understand that's probably what you were going for, since it's a monologue and you probably wanted us starting and stopping the way you envisioned it being read, but the way this was formatted it made it much more difficult to read and a bit hurtful to the eyes. Not gonna lie, I saw the way it was structured, and hit back real quick because I knew what was coming if I read it.

 

Now, of course, again, this isn't a bad read; the way you formatted it made it way harder to read than it should've been. No mistakes other than that, though

 

Good job, m8!
 

Edited February 28, 2014 by ghostfacekiller39

[MrPandaa 204]

Alright, feedback time

 

It has good intent and meaning to it; however, the way it's structured is NOT easy on the eyes. Too short, too choppy, and it made it much more difficult to read; now, I understand that's probably what you were going for, since it's a monologue and you probably wanted us starting and stopping the way you envisioned it being read, but the way this was formatted it made it much more difficult to read and a bit hurtful to the eyes. Not gonna lie, I saw the way it was structured, and hit back real quick because I knew what was coming if I read it.

 

Now, of course, again, this isn't a bad read; the way you formatted it made it way harder to read than it should've been. No mistakes other than that, though

 

Good job, m8!

 

Ah, I see...how would you suggest I change the format while keeping the general spacing?

And dat signature...*brohoof* Just yes.  And thanks a bunch for taking the time, bro!!

[ghostfacekiller39 23,857]

Ah, I see...how would you suggest I change the format while keeping the general spacing?

And dat signature...*brohoof* Just yes.  And thanks a bunch for taking the time, bro!!

And here you see, in the moonlight;

my love—my darling—

once upon a time.

 

But now stone,

a mere shadow, of what she was—could have been—

once upon a time.

 

Who can say?

Can you tell, good sir?

What she once was...beautiful, elegant...poised.

 

Once upon a time.

 

Sticks and stones, lifeblood;

hear my words:

“with staff, with rune, seal this beast for all time.”

 

Once upon a time, she was here;

Flesh and blood.

But now she sleeps...eternally.

 

Who can say? Can you—anyone—tell?

Why she she once was, but is no more.

 

Temptation...

once upon a time.

But no more.

 

I have made us safe...from her.

 

---

 

Thanks! Champ made it for me; he's gotten hella good at making these things, man!

 

Oh, and it's got my waifu on it That's always a huge plus!

 

And anytime, bro

Edited February 28, 2014 by ghostfacekiller39

[MrPandaa 204]

 

 

And ici you see,  in the moonlight; my love—my darling— once upon a time.  

 

Wow, that was quick.  Thanks a ton, @ghostfacekiller39!  This has helped a great deal.

 

 

Thanks! Champ made it for me; he's gotten hella good at making ces things, stallion!

Hmm...I might have to check him out.

 

 

Oh, and it's got my waifu on it That's toujours a huge plus!

*sexydeep voice* Oooh, yeah. Yep, Rarity's a hottie. Though I'm personally quite partial for Applejack, myself.

 

 

And anytime, bro

 

Thanks again!!