Rate my OC, please :3

[Velcorn 279]

I would really like an honest rating on my OC, like anything. I most appreciate constructive critic that helps me to actually improve but you may throw in anything you'd like to, things you like or simply things you don't like without reason or tips to improve. Feel free to say anything bearing in mind not to be insulting, not for my sake, but for the mods

 

I am aware that the description is kind of sloppy sometimes and am open for any suggestions concerning this. Since this is my first OC, and to be frank I didn't put too much work into it as of now, so I have no idea what to expect or look out for.

 

Link to the OC: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/nightrain-r8785

 

Best regards

 

Velcorn

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,809]

As of now...he's sort of leaning into light Mary Sue territory. Perhaps give a little bit of detail to why he was so shy at a young age and the specific event that earned him his cutie mark. 

[SpikusFyre 486]

That's a very familiar color palette though I'm not sure why... Joking aside he does seem slightly Mary-Sue-ish and also kind of bland at the same time. Also just as a rule of thumb don't rely too heavily on Pony-Maker. While it's useful to a certain degree, nothing in it is original and comes from other things that already exist. I'm not saying don't use it just don't use it as an end-all-be-all for character design.

[DixonTheAdversary 1,631]

I do believe the color scheme is similar to Thunder Lane's 

 

 http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Thunderlane

Edited August 31, 2015 by cpl_dixon

[Memory Lane 131]

Very well. I shall give my honest review.

 

1. I recommend changing "Nightrain" to "Night Rain".

 

2. You will eventually need professional artwork of him done. You said he's male, but his picture implies he's female because of the incorrect muzzle.

 

3. His cutie mark is a little bland, isn't it? Does rain and water really define him? What is his special talent? How did he earn his cutie mark?

 

4. Why is he so distrustful of others? Was he wronged by someone? You should explain why he has that characteristic in his backstory.

 

5. How did he grow up in Cloudsdale when his mother was a Unicorn?

 

6. He graduated school with ease? Is he suppose to be a prodigy? Unless he needs to be highly intelligent for something, he should be average.

 

7. I would discard everything combat related. Equestria is a peaceful country. He isn't a royal guard, so he has no excuse to own a weapon. Nobody is handing out weapons to average citizens.

 

8. He's an outstanding flier? He can't be highly intelligent and highly athletic. A pony only gets one special talent. Everything else about them should be average.

 

9. He's unemployed at age 20. You should give him a stable occupation. Freelance work is unreliable. There's no way he's supporting himself like that.

Edited August 31, 2015 by Keyclipse

[Velcorn 279]

I've taken into account most of your advices and revised him a bit. Few things to clarify: 1. I know about the worries with Pony Creator but I do like the looks of it and I'm not necessarily considering having someone professionally draw him; maybe some time. 2. He's not supposed to be 100% masculine-looking, mainly because I dislike the stallion muzzle form :/... I think I will stick with this. 3. Concerning the Cutie Mark thingy, still not really perfect, I guess. But the CMs aren't that specific in general. If you come up with something better, let me know

[Streiben Bones 228]

5/10.

 

Some edgyness, but still pretty normal oc.

 

I've seen worse, and i've seen better.

[Memory Lane 131]

I see you've updated Night Rain. Shall I update my review in turn?

 

I see you're emphasizing his love of science and the ocean. Perhaps you should make him a marine biologist. He could have a flask with a fish inside as a cutie mark. He could have earned it by winning a science fair or by making some new discovery.

 

You know, I really don't think ponies get picked on in Equestria for having parents of different races. Recall Hearth's Warming Eve. You could instead say Night Rain was a popular pony to prank throughout school because he seems to be nerdy what with his high intelligence and love of science. Therefore leading him to develop trust issues over time.

 

Is there a reason for him to have separated parents? Why wasn't the mother living with the father so they can raise their unborn foal together? You've made it clear their still in touch.

[TerribilisScriptor 107]

i actually kinda love you for that OC becue OH SISTERS this one is a GOOD one. its NOT red and black or some other harsh contrast and it does NOT have a grimm backstory <33333 someone with a decent OC is all i need =D

[Velcorn 279]

 

 

I see you're emphasizing his love of science and the ocean. Perhaps you should make him a marine biologist. He could have a flask with a fish inside as a cutie mark. He could have earned it by winning a science fair or by making some new discovery.

I've thought about changing it but I particularly liked this since it goes well with his name and I simply liked it visually. Also, being a pegasus who is also working in the weather factory, it kind of makes sense to me to give him something related to that. I've tweaked the description a little bit to make it a bit more fitting.

 

 

 

You know, I really don't think ponies get picked on in Equestria for having parents of different races. Recall Hearth's Warming Eve. You could instead say Night Rain was a popular pony to prank throughout school because he seems to be nerdy what with his high intelligence and love of science. Therefore leading him to develop trust issues over time.

You're right, I've changed the background accordingly.

 

 

 

Is there a reason for him to have separated parents? Why wasn't the mother living with the father so they can raise their unborn foal together? You've made it clear their still in touch.

I didn't really imply them still being in contact and I've revised that part a bit. Seems that he turns out to have a really similar backstory to myself I didn't intend to make him more like my Ponysone but whatever^^

 

Thank you for your precise input. 

[TheLegoBrony 382]

I would really like an honest rating on my OC, like anything. I most appreciate constructive critic that helps me to actually improve but you may throw in anything you'd like to, things you like or simply things you don't like without reason or tips to improve. Feel free to say anything bearing in mind not to be insulting, not for my sake, but for the mods

 

I am aware that the description is kind of sloppy sometimes and am open for any suggestions concerning this. Since this is my first OC, and to be frank I didn't put too much work into it as of now, so I have no idea what to expect or look out for.

 

Link to the OC: https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/nightrain-r8785

 

Best regards

 

Velcorn

he looks like an awesome OC

[Memory Lane 131]

Ah very well. I only wished to highlight how he doesn't have to follow the Pegasus stereotype of having a weather themed cutie mark when he could potentially be more accurately defined with something else. He sounds like he had a traumatic experience when he foolishly flew into a thunderstorm. How could he experience his cutie mark epiphany through his life threatening terror?

 

My condolences for Night Rain. How deeply unfortunate his parents decided to separate so soon after their foal was born. That's an interesting point of history you might care to elaborate on. Perhaps Night Rain has father issues.

 

Although I'm sure Cloudsdale his solid architecture, it seems Night Rain is experiencing lasting difficulty adapting on Earth. Is he also awkward dealing with non Pegasi or general earthbound culture?

 

 

P.S. You mistakenly called him a filly instead of colt or simply foal.

[Velcorn 279]

 

 

Ah very well. I only wished to highlight how he doesn't have to follow the Pegasus stereotype of having a weather themed cutie mark when he could potentially be more accurately defined with something else. He sounds like he had a traumatic experience when he foolishly flew into a thunderstorm. How could he experience his cutie mark epiphany through his life threatening terror?

It's more like it made him stronger, overcoming the force of natures/weather and still having learned something due to his curiosity

 

 

 

My condolences for Night Rain. How deeply unfortunate his parents decided to separate so soon after their foal was born. That's an interesting point of history you might care to elaborate on. Perhaps Night Rain has father issues.

I might eventually dig deeper into that but it doesn't seem to be that important as of now.

 

 

 

Although I'm sure Cloudsdale his solid architecture, it seems Night Rain is experiencing lasting difficulty adapting on Earth. Is he also awkward dealing with non Pegasi or general earthbound culture?

It's more like he isn't used to living on the ground in general but it's utterly possible that earthbound culture is unusual for him causing him some trouble. After all, he keeps coming back to Ponyville for Sea Swirl :3 

 

You got me there, corrected that^^

[Streiben Bones 228]

It's saved as a Jpeg and so it's under 150m kb. Not pixelated when used as an avatar. Because everypony deserved an avatar ^-^