offering critique Offering Character Feedback/Help

[Bright Ink 49]

Welcome to my Character Feedback/Help Thread!

 

My name is Ziel (Zieli on DA), and I am a visual artist in many forms. One of my favorite things to do, however, is create new characters! Character Design, be it starting with a design and building off of it, or starting with a personality and creating a design to fit it, is something I rather enjoy doing. But, I would like to think I have a pretty good handle on what makes a good character story-wise, too!

 

So if you're not sure about your OC, or don't know where to start, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to lend a helping hoof!

 

Rules + General tips for feedback requests:

• Please let me know what specifically you're seeking help with. If there is anything you DON'T want me to comment on, please also state what that is! (EG: "I need help with my OC's backstory, but I DON'T want any critique on their design.")
• Please do NOT ask me to design your OC for you! I can give suggestions for the design, or potentially tweak an existing design, but in order to learn, YOU will have to do most of the work! A good place to start is either with the Pony Creator (easiest), or with a Free Base (requires some artistic skill - double check the rules in the submission to make sure you're allowed to use it!). For cutie marks, you can use the Cutie Marker or Cutie Mark Creator (this one doesn't seem to work for me but it might work for you). If you'd like me to transfer your Pony Creator design + Cutie Mark onto a Free Base, I can do that for you - please provide the Creator design, Cutie Mark, and Base you want it on!
• Please let me know whether or not you're trying to make your OC more "realistic". By this, I mean "Do you want them to fit into the MLP Universe (good for canon RP), or are they just for fun (no serious restrictions)?" In general I will lean towards "more realistic" unless told otherwise, since many people appreciate "realistic" OCs over "unrealistic" OCs! You can also specify whether you want them to lean towards realistic, but it doesn't really matter to you if they're still a little out-of-the-ordinary.
• Please do NOT get upset at me for my feedback. My feedback is only meant to help - I want you to improve! If I don't like something and think you should change it, that's my opinion - meaning that you don't have to agree with me if you don't want to, and you don't have to change it if you don't want to! But please don't waste both of our time by trying to justify/explain your choices to me - just take it with a grain of salt, and move on.

Edited August 9, 2016 by Ziel

[Padlock-Keys 57]

Hmm. I looked at your DA and your art is pretty good! Can you give me some help on my OCS? They're sisters, one's a Pegasus and one's an Earth Pony (or Unicorn, I can't really decide but I'm not making her a Pegasus, either Unicorn or Earth Pony. This I'm certian.) And they own a little Soda Parlor either in Las Pegasus or Canterlot. I'm more leaning towards Las Pegasus or just making up my own place in Equestria. Maybe even Balitmare. I mean I have OCs that live in Canterlot, Ponyville and Manehatten. One of my OC's is even from Hollow Shades so I dont know - I want to expand more upon the MLP-Universe Lore as a whole, but one of these sisters is eventually going to be paired up with my other OC, who Heroic Tea whose a unicorn. 

 

There is a Pegasus named Sarsaparilla and a Vanilla Cream Soda Pony-Themed who is, like i said before is either a Unicorn or an Earth Pony. I dont really want to name her Cream Soda or Vanilla Soda or Root Beer (that doesnt sound very feminie. Sass's little sister is very girly. Not shy, just girly and frilly. I want that to be in her design. Also apparently her favorite flavor is vanilla and she smells like it to most of the time.) I dont want either of these ponies (depending on who Heroic Tea is partnered up with) to date my OC forever. That's not how real life works, so why would it work like that in MLP? I dont like it when people just make it their soul-mates and not date or anythig. 

 

They'd date, and be friends and everything, but yeah. I have another pony in mind that I'm not really ready to design right now to be Hero's 'special somepony'. My only gripe is Sarsaparillia's sister. I dont know what she's going to be 1 - a unicorn or an Earth pony. 2 - if its going to be either her or Sass ending up with Hero. Or 3 - where they live. I'm kinda okay with Las Pegasus, if its styled like a retro-area and their store has retro vibes. Im cool with that. Also, I sorta want one of them to have either a pet ferret or sea otter named Dewy. 

 

That's what I got so far. I guess Cream Soda could be the default name and places like Las Pegasus could be the default name where they could live for now, as I need sorta like a placeholder area for things to call them. But really, I dont want that to be offical or premanet. Also, why they wont be tagging along with Heroic Tea forever is because I know who they may or may not end up with/marrying/settling down with/forming a family with etc. But that doesnt mean they wont meet up with and their kids wont eventually be friends with them (like Grown Ups but with MLP XD) 

[HackTune 177]

So i wanted to ask about my oc Design and the backstory 
its from here : 

 http://skycraftdie.deviantart.com/art/Hacktune-564843118?ga_submit_new=10%253A1445446540&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1

 

Nightmare Night : http://skycraftdie.deviantart.com/art/Dressed-for-Nightmare-Night-Hacktune-567504367 (Costume for NM)

Is my OC backstory realistic enough? the design?(cutiemark is biner musical note)

The backstory is non-linear(sorry ah guess)

Taaanksssss

[Bright Ink 49]

Hmm. I looked at your DA and your art is pretty good! Can you give me some help on my OCS? They're sisters... (cont)

 

After reading your long blurb, I don't really understand what you want help with? It kind of looks like you were just talking it out with yourself. XD If you really need help with something, please be more specific as to what it is! (Glad you like my art tho!)

 

So i wanted to ask about my oc Design and the backstory 

its from here : 

 http://skycraftdie.deviantart.com/art/Hacktune-564843118?ga_submit_new=10%253A1445446540&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1

 

Nightmare Night : http://skycraftdie.deviantart.com/art/Dressed-for-Nightmare-Night-Hacktune-567504367 (Costume for NM)

 

Is my OC backstory realistic enough? the design?(cutiemark is biner musical note)

 

The backstory is non-linear(sorry ah guess)

 

Taaanksssss

 

Well, since you're asking for whether or not it's realistic enough (using the definition of 'realism' I've given in the original post) - No, it's not.

 

First off, I think you're going to have to re-write his backstory. When you do, make sure it's in chronological order (what comes first comes first). You don't need to go into as much detail as you have - only include the details that are important in explaining his character.

 

EG: How did breaking that bully's hoof effect his personality? He regretted it, but did it change him? Would he do it again? How did it effect his social life? If the event doesn't effect him as a character, doesn't change him, doesn't give him any depth - get rid of it. It can still have happened but it's not important..

 

As for his talent, a programming talent doesn't seem to be possible in canon.. or at least, not very viable. To be fair, Equestria does seem to have technology all over the place, but so far, we haven't seen more than arcade games, DJ P0N3's turntables, and that one joystick console game Pinkie Pie played in a Cartoon Network Promo (which I'm not going to count as being canon). I suppose he COULD still be into programming, but it would be very basic programming. You're looking at arcade games being the most advanced type of programming he'd be able to know - I'm not sure if "hacking" would exactly be possible. His name might need to be changed - "Binary Notes" is the first thing I can think of, or maybe "Chip Tune" - a type of arcade-style music.

 

Delving into the backstory, I don't understand how he would get a music note cutie mark - even with binary inside of it - from realizing he had a knack for programming. Sure, he loves music, but the music doesn't tie into the programming at all. If his cutie mark was going to reflect his "special talent", that special talent would have to involve both music AND programming, together. Perhaps he could learn how to make his program play music - music that itself needed to be coded - and so he wrote a song using the programming language? (This is possible - I've done it actually!)

 

I don't understand why or how he became interested in engineering and magic. Also, at one point you said he's, and I quote: "he's hardly learned anything at Programming" - how can he get his cutie mark in programming if he's not quick to understand it? He can't. Be consistent with this. If it's his special talent, he has to be good at it. No ifs, ands, or buts!

 

As for his cutie mark/design - for his mark you're going to want to make the note larger, and simplify the binary. I'd suggest only choosing a few lines of code to put into the "dot" of the music note. You want it to be easy to draw, and easy to tell what it is. For his over all design, it's acceptable, but personally I'd change his eyes to a brighter orangish-brown, and the black of his mane to a navy blue. The design changes are my own personal preference, and I feel they would make him "fit" into the setting of the show more. (Also because black manes with colored streaks are very common among OC ponies and feel very overused, while not being the norm in the show.)

Edited October 22, 2015 by Dakota Maple

[Master Intelligence 53]

After reading your long blurb, I don't really understand what you want help with? It kind of looks like you were just talking it out with yourself. XD If you really need help with something, please be more specific as to what it is! (Glad you like my art tho!)

 

 

Well, since you're asking for whether or not it's realistic enough (using the definition of 'realism' I've given in the original post) - No, it's not.

 

First off, I think you're going to have to re-write his backstory. When you do, make sure it's in chronological order (what comes first comes first). You don't need to go into as much detail as you have - only include the details that are important in explaining his character.

 

EG: How did breaking that bully's hoof effect his personality? He regretted it, but did it change him? Would he do it again? How did it effect his social life? If the event doesn't effect him as a character, doesn't change him, doesn't give him any depth - get rid of it. It can still have happened but it's not important..

 

As for his talent, a programming talent doesn't seem to be possible in canon.. or at least, not very viable. To be fair, Equestria does seem to have technology all over the place, but so far, we haven't seen more than arcade games, DJ P0N3's turntables, and that one joystick console game Pinkie Pie played in a Cartoon Network Promo (which I'm not going to count as being canon). I suppose he COULD still be into programming, but it would be very basic programming. You're looking at arcade games being the most advanced type of programming he'd be able to know - I'm not sure if "hacking" would exactly be possible. His name might need to be changed - "Binary Notes" is the first thing I can think of, or maybe "Chip Tune" - a type of arcade-style music.

 

Delving into the backstory, I don't understand how he would get a music note cutie mark - even with binary inside of it - from realizing he had a knack for programming. Sure, he loves music, but the music doesn't tie into the programming at all. If his cutie mark was going to reflect his "special talent", that special talent would have to involve both music AND programming, together. Perhaps he could learn how to make his program play music - music that itself needed to be coded - and so he wrote a song using the programming language? (This is possible - I've done it actually!)

 

I don't understand why or how he became interested in engineering and magic. Also, at one point you said he's, and I quote: "he's hardly learned anything at Programming" - how can he get his cutie mark in programming if he's not quick to understand it? He can't. Be consistent with this. If it's his special talent, he has to be good at it. No ifs, ands, or buts!

 

As for his cutie mark/design - for his mark you're going to want to make the note larger, and simplify the binary. I'd suggest only choosing a few lines of code to put into the "dot" of the music note. You want it to be easy to draw, and easy to tell what it is. For his over all design, it's acceptable, but personally I'd change his eyes to a brighter orangish-brown, and the black of his mane to a navy blue. The design changes are my own personal preference, and I feel they would make him "fit" into the setting of the show more. (Also because black manes with colored streaks are very common among OC ponies and feel very overused, while not being the norm in the show.)

Hi. Recently I've made my first OC. As this is my first OC. I've been looking for as much critique as I can get. Just recently I've edited most of his backstory to fit more with the canon. Now that's fixed. I've been looking for even more critique. And this would probably the perfect place to start.

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/gem-sharpener-r8960

[Odyssey 5,716]

Hello! Would it be possible if you give feedback to my pony OC/fancharacter, Paint Brush? I'm wanting for her to be more realistic/more like a pony in MLP:FiM. Take as much time as you want.

 

https://charahub.com/character/477226/Paint-Brush/public/

[Bright Ink 49]

Hi. Recently I've made my first OC. As this is my first OC. I've been looking for as much critique as I can get. Just recently I've edited most of his backstory to fit more with the canon. Now that's fixed. I've been looking for even more critique. And this would probably the perfect place to start.

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/gem-sharpener-r8960

 

Well I'm glad I can be of some help with your first OC! Now let's get down to it.

 

Design-wise, the base would fit right in! As for the cutie mark, however, the way you described it sounded like the aura, plus sign, and sword would be separated, and I feel this would make the plus sign stick out like a sore thumb. Instead, perhaps have a sword with a magical aura, and the plus sign on the hilt - with emphasis on the plus sign the form of "shine" lines.

Kind of like this: 

Now comes an important question: How does he enchant the weapons? Being an Earth pony, it doesn't make sense for him to be able to cast spells the way Unicorns do. The only pony zebra we see using magic is Zecora, and she can only do so in the form of potions. So in order to enchant weapons, an Earth Pony would need to do it physically - reading a spellbook just wouldn't cut it! Some ideas that come to mind are:

- Adding magical gemstones/gem dust to the weapons. (Either naturally magical or enchanted for him by a Unicorn.)

- Adding potions to the weapons. (Either encased in a chamber within the weapon, or added right to the metal itself.)

- Alchemy, still involving the aforementioned magical items.

 

If you want him to be the one to add the enchantment directly, potions or pre-magical gems are the way to go, but pre-magical gems don't seem to be common within the show. So potions is your best bet while keeping him an Earth-pony. It would still make the most sense to change him to a Unicorn, however, but ultimately that's an "elitist" choice and you can still get around it.

 

 

Hello! Would it be possible if you give feedback to my pony OC/fancharacter, Paint Brush? I'm wanting for her to be more realistic/more like a pony in MLP:FiM. Take as much time as you want.

 

https://charahub.com/character/477226/Paint-Brush/public/

 

I think Paint Brush is very cute! ^^ Her design would fit into the show just fine, and her backstory is well-written. The only thing I'm personally curious about is why she likes to play pranks on other ponies - this was mentioned in her relationship with Magnum, but wasn't really explained. I know pretty much anyone can like playing pranks, but I'd want to know why it's such a big part of her and Magnum's friendship - Did she like playing pranks before she met Magnum, and it was a bonding point between the two? Or does Magnum like playing pranks, and while Paint had no real preference, she enjoys the bit of mischief with her friend? Or perhaps Paint was really unsure, and Magnum brought out "a bit of bad" in her? While their main dynamic will always be artwork, if the pranks were important enough to mention, they should be an important aspect to their relationship - and this demands explanation! >:0

Edited October 24, 2015 by Dakota Maple

[HackTune 177]

Forgot to say thanks.

TAAANKKSSSSSSSSS
 

 

[Master Intelligence 53]

Well I'm glad I can be of some help with your first OC! Now let's get down to it.

 

Design-wise, the base would fit right in! As for the cutie mark, however, the way you described it sounded like the aura, plus sign, and sword would be separated, and I feel this would make the plus sign stick out like a sore thumb. Instead, perhaps have a sword with a magical aura, and the plus sign on the hilt - with emphasis on the plus sign the form of "shine" lines.

Kind of like this: 

Now comes an important question: How does he enchant the weapons? Being an Earth pony, it doesn't make sense for him to be able to cast spells the way Unicorns do. The only pony zebra we see using magic is Zecora, and she can only do so in the form of potions. So in order to enchant weapons, an Earth Pony would need to do it physically - reading a spellbook just wouldn't cut it! Some ideas that come to mind are:

- Adding magical gemstones/gem dust to the weapons. (Either naturally magical or enchanted for him by a Unicorn.)

- Adding potions to the weapons. (Either encased in a chamber within the weapon, or added right to the metal itself.)

- Alchemy, still involving the aforementioned magical items.

 

If you want him to be the one to add the enchantment directly, potions or pre-magical gems are the way to go, but pre-magical gems don't seem to be common within the show. So potions is your best bet while keeping him an Earth-pony. It would still make the most sense to change him to a Unicorn, however, but ultimately that's an "elitist" choice and you can still get around it.

 

 

 

I think Paint Brush is very cute! ^^ Her design would fit into the show just fine, and her backstory is well-written. The only thing I'm personally curious about is why she likes to play pranks on other ponies - this was mentioned in her relationship with Magnum, but wasn't really explained. I know pretty much anyone can like playing pranks, but I'd want to know why it's such a big part of her and Magnum's friendship - Did she like playing pranks before she met Magnum, and it was a bonding point between the two? Or does Magnum like playing pranks, and while Paint had no real preference, she enjoys the bit of mischief with her friend? Or perhaps Paint was really unsure, and Magnum brought out "a bit of bad" in her? While their main dynamic will always be artwork, if the pranks were important enough to mention, they should be an important aspect to their relationship - and this demands explanation! >:0

Thank you. After redoing the cutie mark. I started talking with the "local witch doctor" *wink wink* about how weapon enchantment works.

 

It's in the other section if you wanna see it. 

 

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/gem-sharpener-r8960

 

But no seriously thank you for the review it has help a lot more than you could imagine. If you wanna review the new updated version. Please go straight ahead. But you don't have to if you don't want to.

Edited October 24, 2015 by Coder-MP

[Bright Ink 49]

Thank you. After redoing the cutie mark. I started talking with the "local witch doctor" *wink wink* about how weapon enchantment works.

 

It's in the other section if you wanna see it. 

 

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/gem-sharpener-r8960

 

But no seriously thank you for the review it has help a lot more than you could imagine. If you wanna review the new updated version. Please go straight ahead. But you don't have to if you don't want to.

 

I think it works just fine now! ^^

[Bright Ink 49]

Bumping this thread since I'm going to try to be active here again!

[Victoria Sponge 1,017]

If you're still active I wouldn't mind  if you could tell me if my OC's colours are ok. I originally had yellow and purple but changed it to pink because of battenberg cakes, I'm pretty happy with how it looks but I'd like to know from someone more in the know if the colours are two bright or don't work well together and the like.

[Choros Isorropai 409]

im not sure how to post links yet...(new to forums)

i created "myself" but i need some irning out, to go more plesantly with the canon... you see, as it is "me" i need to compleatly justify the "existance" within a realm for a more believable story...(back story has been going on for years...)

The name:  Choros Isorropai​

he was made recently, and I did ask another for help but that pony seems to be in stables for the night...lol

 

and to be more specific, if it helps, I want to take my existing fic self, and apply to MLP... that does have some implications, but if you read up on him (if you can find him...) you can see what I "was going for".

 

thank you for your help, in advance...lol

 ​I wish I knew how to do the fun stuff with these posts... pics, vids, and emots of ponies...

Oh, i almost forgot... his name 'Choros Isorropai' is greek for 'dancing equilibrium'

i find the former having a nice ring to it, and the latter is how it pretains to him...

[Crystal Star 37]

https://www.reddit.com/r/RateMyOC/comments/5264wf/rate_my_oc_crystal_star_details_in_the_comments/

 

Please let me know what you think and if I need to improve anything