I would like to gather as much Criticism on my OC as possible.

[MoTusNua 49]

Hello! My name is Carrick Edwin Reynolds but people on the site know me as MoTusNua.
To give you some context. I was an old user of the forums, three years ago until I left the fandom to deal with emotional problems, I had at the time. I am in a much more emotionally stable state and have been getting back into the show and fandom. I am self-writer which means that I continue to write Poems and Stories and share them with my Family, Friends and Teachers. However, I have not publish any of it publicly on the internet.

I used to Roleplay back in the days when I did use the site and I am very excited to start again, however, as perfectionist and due to my want to improve my work. I've decided to allow people to criticize my OC before I use it for actual Roleplays. If you could tell me what you like and dislike about my OC. I would be extremely grateful as I can use that to improve the character and my writing.

Here is a Link to my OC:

Any criticism is welcome and don't worry about going harsh on me. I would like to know, how people actually feel about my writing and my OC. So, just give your genuine feelings on my Character, so I can learn from that. Thanks!
 

[joe mama 60]

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Edited July 31, 2022 by joe mama

[Widdershins 9,959]

  Let me just say first, that you have no idea how good it does my heart to finally see a pacifist OC. Especially one that does seem to be indirectly RPG/combat leaning!

    Man, I can tell you put some genuine heart, effort & feeling into this and it really shows! Of what few problems I have, like the poster mentioned before me is that your Pony Creator picture is rather bland. In contrast to @Metalloriff I kind of prefer solid color ocs, its so rare to see these days. If anything, I feel that its alot easier to screw things up with a striped mane. Twilight's one violet strand amongst so much purple sticks out something fierce & don't get me started on the eyesore of Rainbow's mane! Yours does need a little bit of variation in color to it, but I can't put my tentacle on what though. Mane doesn't match the tail though, goes from curly to straight.

  The name doesn't seem quite as descriptive/pun-based as pony names tend to be, but I still get that feeling that it does mean something so I'm fine with it!

   One of the bigger issues, but one I"m not going to harp on, is your grammar. I can tell its something you're working on, but all the same it does get a bit dodgy in some parts where its enough to set aside time to think about what your getting across. Not bad, I still get your idea, but something to work on after all!

  I loved what you did with your story! You actually did tell a story that both described the character and his environment without leaning to heavily on either as is so often the case! I do have to wonder the plausibility of some group just randomly thinking "Eh, let's go start a town of our own." I'd like there to be a reason they left, but the way you put it does sound quite grounded and it would be hard to do it any way that didn't sound like persecution.

  Hee, I find it funny how much I appreciated you telling us what he's not an expert in! Ours certainly is a fandom that lends itself to Mary Suing, what with all the "natural talents."

[BronyHekapooFan 2]

I just leafed it, I think the hair may be a LITTLE bit off character, otherwise I thinks it's AwEsOmE! XD  

[MoTusNua 49]

18 minutes ago, Widdershins said:

  Let me just say first, that you have no idea how good it does my heart to finally see a pacifist OC. Especially one that does seem to be indirectly RPG/combat leaning!

    Man, I can tell you put some genuine heart, effort & feeling into this and it really shows! Of what few problems I have, like the poster mentioned before me is that your Pony Creator picture is rather bland. In contrast to @Metalloriff I kind of prefer solid color ocs, its so rare to see these days. If anything, I feel that its alot easier to screw things up with a striped mane. Twilight's one violet strand amongst so much purple sticks out something fierce & don't get me started on the eyesore of Rainbow's mane! Yours does need a little bit of variation in color to it, but I can't put my tentacle on what though. Mane doesn't match the tail though, goes from curly to straight.

  The name doesn't seem quite as descriptive/pun-based as pony names tend to be, but I still get that feeling that it does mean something so I'm fine with it!

   One of the bigger issues, but one I"m not going to harp on, is your grammar. I can tell its something you're working on, but all the same it does get a bit dodgy in some parts where its enough to set aside time to think about what your getting across. Not bad, I still get your idea, but something to work on after all!

  I loved what you did with your story! You actually did tell a story that both described the character and his environment without leaning to heavily on either as is so often the case! I do have to wonder the plausibility of some group just randomly thinking "Eh, let's go start a town of our own." I'd like there to be a reason they left, but the way you put it does sound quite grounded and it would be hard to do it any way that didn't sound like persecution.

  Hee, I find it funny how much I appreciated you telling us what he's not an expert in! Ours certainly is a fandom that lends itself to Mary Suing, what with all the "natural talents."

I have taken your comment to heart and corrected many grammar mistakes, I missed on my first re-drafting. I have also added an explanation to why they decided to settle this town in the first place. Thank you, your comments have actively made this a better OC and it's very much appreciated <3

Edited June 30, 2017 by MoTusNua