slice of life adorable colt

[Mesme Rize 15,683]

(okay, this is a very short story that i wrote. I might continue this if people want to, but as for now, this is just something cute and sweet. Have fun )

 

A crescent moon shone overhead light up the Everfree floor a little, everyone was asleep all except for one. A Lamiapony with his yellow mane and bright, big green eyes was sound asleep in his tree. This 28 year old had a 28 foot long dark brown tail with a greyish underbelly. He had eaten only a few hours ago and was quite full, little did he know he'd get a visitor.

A 10 year old colt with dark hair and with purple eyes was walking the jungle floor. He had a greyish fur and he had little wings on his back, obviously they weren't fully developed yet. The colt sat under the Lamia's tree oh so wishing to be anywhere BUT there.

As the colt sat down the Lamiapony woke up and his eyes widened a bit when he saw the colt shivering from the cold winds. A warm smile formed on his face, as he thought that he might be lost and needed some company. Besides, he needed a bit of fun around him. This one shall be his new friend.

The purple eyed colt closed his eyes as he tried to fall asleep before quickly jerking up when he smelled something....sweet...oh so sweet....he sighed in content as he tried to find where that wonderful smell was coming from! As he looked up into the tree he was sitting under a coil slowly wrapped around his waist while pinning his hooves together!

Normally someone would've struggled at this point but that sweet scent was making it hard for him to understand what was even going on! The colt stumbled back a little before two strong hooves cupped his face as he was met with a pair of green eyes.

"Hello there..." someone spoke, was it from the pony in front of him? Or was it from him? The colt tried to pull away but the coil kept him in place. "Don't leave, I jussssssst want a friend...is that ssssssso wrong?" the voice cooed softly as he kissed his forehead making the poor colt's face turn red.

The Lamiapony chuckled as the colt's face turned red, oh he was going to have fun with him. "I'm Messsssme Rize, what's your name?" he asked the colt as his tail tip slowly started to coil around him.

"R-Rumble.." he stampered before moaning faintly when he felt the coils wrap around him more.

"Rumble...do me a favor...look into my eyessssss." Mesme said.

Rumble did as he was told. he was suddenly overcome by a sea of reds, blues, greens, and yellows.

Mesme has turned on his special hypnosis technique and was sending the little colt into a deep trance with his hypnotic eyes. "Good colt...now jussssst ssssssleep...you're sssssafe with me..." Mesme was using his soothing voice to lull Rumble into submission.

Rumble was looking helplessly into Mesmes eyes, his own purple eyes dissapearing and mirroring Mesmes. His mind was getting foggy and heavy, not to mention that he was already tired. It felt so good.

He looked so cute Mesme thought. "Be good...sssssssleep now..." Mesme kept his lulling voice, massaging Rumble with his coils.

Rumbles eyes started to droop lower and lower, his mouth forming into a cute smile. He felt like never leaving Mesme. His eyes where shut and he started to make cute little snores.

His eyes returned back to normal as Mesme smiled at the cute colt he catched. He will have nothing to worry for tonight. He kept him comfy in his coils, as he gave him a kiss on the forehead. "SSSSSSSleep well little colt..."

[Will Guide 21,360]

@Mesme Rize

Overall, it's sweet, but my main complaint is lack of clarity.

Well, if no one knew what kind of creature you were, this scene could come off as creepy. Of course, I know you. And you would never harm an innocent pony like him, but I think the set-up needs to be better.

Maybe if you made it clear that Rumble was stress out about things in his life and Mesme wanted to help calm the colt like he did with other ponies, even completely new readers would understand that this is meant to be an heartwarming scene of an unusual creature helping others.

What do you think of my short review?

Edited March 20, 2018 by We.

[Mesme Rize 15,683]

(okay, we have the second chapter with even more pointless cuteness. Have fun. )

Daylight broke through the leaves of a tall tree causing Rumble to wake up and yawn. As the young 10 year old tried to sit up his face turned pale when he saw coils wrapped around him in a snug cocoon! Rumble nearly yelped in fright when he saw the Lamiapony grinned happily at him.
"Oh good, I wassssss wondering when you'd wake up." Mesme Rize hissed as he gave the black maned colt a comforting squeeze making the Pony gasp a bit before sighing in relief when the coils loosened up around him. "W-Who are you?! W-What am I d-doing up here?!" Rumble exclaimed as he slipped free from the coils and jumped onto a think branch.

Mesme frowned at his actions before chuckling softly, a shy one? 'This'll be even more fun.' He thought to himself as he tail slowly creeped up from behind the colt.

"Why...don't you remember lassssst night?" he asked him as he slithered closer making Rumble gulp nervously. "You were ssssso cold last night so kept you nice and warm." Mesme told him as he gently grabbed a hoof of Rumble as a cute pink blush appeared on his face. "And as for WHO I am....I'm Messsssssme Rize." he told him as he let of the Ponies hooves just as his coil pinned his arms together.

"H-Hey!" Rumble exclaimed as he started to struggle when the coil started to wrap around his bare arms. "Let! Me...go..." Rumble trailed off when Mesme pressed his forehead against his letting lose those lovely colors once more.

Mesme was pressing his face against Rumbles face. "You don't want me to let go...you wanna ssssstay with me." Mesme was not playing this time. He wanted to put the colt in a trance immediatly.

The colt sighed in content when the coils started to massage his chest as it wrapped around his shoulders before the tip of the tail tickled under his chin making Rumble giggle faintly as a PING ran out through his mind. He belonged to Mesme now.

Mesme stopped the spirals after a minute to inspect this now helpless colt. The little colt looked so cute, he could almost eat him up. As the Lamiapony wondered how to play with his newest catch his tail tip stroked Rumbles chin making him giggle again.

"Tell me Rumble, what would you like to do?" Mesme asked as he kissed his cheek making said Colt smile more. "Anything you want master" Rumble stated in a monotone voice, making Mesme smile himself. "I'm glad to hear you ssssssay that..." he told him as he kissed him on the cheek again.

Mesme then moved Rumble off the branch and into his coils as the mini cocoon around him let him go. Rumble closed his eyes and sighed in content when he felt the coils around him massage his back and his little hooves too. He snuggled into the coils more, he wasn't going to leave his new master even if you asked him to.

The Lamiapony laid down across from the colt so close, oh so close as he stroked his black mane "sssssuch a cute colt..." Mesme cooed as he wrapped his arms around the boy when Rumble snuggled closer to Mesme, clearly enjoying this very much.

"Rumble? Would you like to sssssstay with me? Longer than a day?" Mesme asked the tired colt who was resting his head against Mesme's chest. hearing his soft heartbeat. Said colt looked up at his master the spirals never fading. "I'd love too!" he exclaimed happily before hugging his master making the Lamiapony blush faintly.

"Very good pet...cause you're going to sssssstay with me for a long time." Mesme whispered to the now asleep boy, he held his small upper body in his strong hooves as his tail tip wrapped around his ankles and his bare hooves.

A faintly moan escaped from Rumble when he felt the coils lightly massage his hooves, the tail tip around his waist before stopping there. As Mesme stroked his mane once more the coils he had around the colts hooves squeezed them playfully making Rumble smile in his sleep.

"We'll have more fun later, just get some sssssssleep until then.....ssssssleep sssssoundly...you can trusssssssst in me." he whispered as he kissed Rumbles forehead before he fell asleep himself.

[Will Guide 21,360]

Still can't help but feel this can be very creepy to some. Still, I somewhat enjoy this.

[Mesme Rize 15,683]

1 minute ago, We. said:

Still can't help but feel this can be very creepy to some. Still, I somewhat enjoy this.

Well, Mesme has his snake instincts that i like to call. So he sometimes does things that some might consider unorthodox. But he certainly dosen't mean harm to Rumble.

[Will Guide 21,360]

2 minutes ago, Mesme Rize said:

Well, Mesme has his snake instincts that i like to call. So he sometimes does things that some might consider unorthodox. But he certainly dosen't mean harm to Rumble.

I understand. Carry on.

[Loyal Defender 4,111]

I see no flaws with this little fic. What they feel is the best idea can be done, and if others ask to change it to make THEMSELVES happy, it's not worth it, because you wouldn't be happy with the results. Spot-on as always, my legendary lamia.