fanfic help I need help!

[Imperial_Crest 9]

Hey everypony

I'm looking for an editor/co writer for my fanfic because my writing is poor according to someone in the comment section of my fanfic and he said "....Will need a fair amount of work, Luna (at the very least) seems out of character, and the characters themselves seem to parrot the other when given a suggestion. The plot seems good, but it's written poorly, and could use an editor...". What he said is true because I actually need help on working on the characters and probably the execution and the story even though the plot seems good. I even went to the forums under the name of 'Looking for Editors' at the Fimfiction website a week ago to post my request for editor but no response lately so Facebook MLP groups and MLP Forums is the only option I can do to find an editor/co-writer. So if youre interested in helping me on my fanfic then reply by commenting on this post or pm me. Thank you

 

 

Before you guys reply here's the link of my fanfic if youre interested in helping me on this fanfic project. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/436259/equestria-battleship-yamato

 

[Brony Number 42 10,073]

I glanced at it, and yes it needs major editing. But I don't think I have the time to do it. I would say the writing is simplistic. There is little nareative build up. You describe in broad terms what has happened or is happening, but you don't paint a detailed, narrative picture of the scene.

Also, a lot of it seems askward to read. For instance, 

Later in the morning around nine o clock in the ocean of the East China Sea, a small fishing boat captained by Yamanami assisted by two alicorns from another world, Imperial Crest and Luna.

This could be a couple paragraphs by itself, describing the scene, the boat, the characters, and where they are from.

That's just what I see at a glance. I suggest reading some novels and adopting a style you like from them.

[Early Sunsets 2,107]

I agree that the plot is good, and also that it needs editing. Something like the browser extension Grammarly can catch quite a few errors. A word of advice though, it tends to make the text editor on FiMFic unbearably slow, so I'd recommend writing a bunch with Grammarly turned off and then turning it on to fix any errors.

I hope you don't mind, but I copied the prologue of your fic into Grammarly's text editor and this is what came up. I don't know what the premium alerts entail since I don't use the paid version, but even so, that's 13 less errors that an editor has to fix and 13 less errors for a reader to see.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I've noticed quite a few places where punctuation could be used. I'm not entirely sure if it's grammatically incorrect or if it's just my opinion, but I think it would be easier to read if, for example, this;

  Reveal hidden contents

Around 10Am at the bridge of the ship one of the Japanese sailors spotted something “Two PBM Mariner planes flying nearby!” he announced through the message pipes to the main bridge.

was something like this instead.

  Reveal hidden contents

Around 10 Am at the bridge of the ship, one of the Japanese sailors spotted something. “Two PBM Mariner planes flying nearby!” he announced through the message pipes to the main bridge.

 

In my opinion at least, it's good to add commas here and there to put pauses into the narrative. It's a lot easier on the eyes, and it's faster to comprehend.

~~

Another thing I noticed was the tense changing throughout the story. It's good to keep the story in the past tense, though some authors do choose to use the present tense. The tense can switch at times, but it takes practice to make it easily readable. So you might want to change this;

  Reveal hidden contents

The Yamato’s main guns starts moving and points its guns at the coming near aircraft then Yamato fired its guns at the two American Planes but didn’t hit them and the two planes flew away.

2

to something more like this.

  Reveal hidden contents

The Yamato’s main guns started moving and pointed its guns at the coming near aircraft, then Yamato fired its guns at the two American Planes but didn’t hit them, and the two planes flew away.

 

And this comes with practice (which you can gain both by writing and by reading), but that sentence is a bit difficult to read. Something like this is a bit easier on the eyes, and as you get more used to writing, you can add more descriptive text. Just don't go overboard or it will feel flowery. Obviously you'll have your own writing style, but sentences can feel a little sloppy when there are too many commas and/or too many conjunctions (think FAN BOYS if you learned that in school. For, and, nor, but, or, yet, so. Try to avoid using those words too much).

  Reveal hidden contents

The Yamato’s turrets started moving as it aimed its main guns at the approaching aircraft. Ear-splitting booms filled the air as the massive guns fired at the American planes, but the shells failed to hit their marks and the aircraft flew away, unscathed.

 

 

I've already got a lot on my plate between my job, BronyCon coming up soon, and the three fairly large fics I'm currently working on. I don't have time to do a lot of heavy editing in addition to all of that. I could do a little bit for you here and there if you want, but it won't be fast progress.

Edited July 1, 2019 by Booker
Just doing a bit of editing on one of my own stories, and I felt I should add Grammarly isn't always correct. I forgot it tends to catch errors that aren't actually wrong, so use your judgement if you download it.

[Imperial_Crest 9]

  On 2019-07-01 at 9:39 PM, Booker said:

I agree that the plot is good, and also that it needs editing. Something like the browser extension Grammarly can catch quite a few errors. A word of advice though, it tends to make the text editor on FiMFic unbearably slow, so I'd recommend writing a bunch with Grammarly turned off and then turning it on to fix any errors.

I hope you don't mind, but I copied the prologue of your fic into Grammarly's text editor and this is what came up. I don't know what the premium alerts entail since I don't use the paid version, but even so, that's 13 less errors that an editor has to fix and 13 less errors for a reader to see.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I've noticed quite a few places where punctuation could be used. I'm not entirely sure if it's grammatically incorrect or if it's just my opinion, but I think it would be easier to read if, for example, this;

  Reveal hidden contents

Around 10Am at the bridge of the ship one of the Japanese sailors spotted something “Two PBM Mariner planes flying nearby!” he announced through the message pipes to the main bridge.

was something like this instead.

  Reveal hidden contents

Around 10 Am at the bridge of the ship, one of the Japanese sailors spotted something. “Two PBM Mariner planes flying nearby!” he announced through the message pipes to the main bridge.

 

In my opinion at least, it's good to add commas here and there to put pauses into the narrative. It's a lot easier on the eyes, and it's faster to comprehend.

~~

Another thing I noticed was the tense changing throughout the story. It's good to keep the story in the past tense, though some authors do choose to use the present tense. The tense can switch at times, but it takes practice to make it easily readable. So you might want to change this;

  Reveal hidden contents

The Yamato’s main guns starts moving and points its guns at the coming near aircraft then Yamato fired its guns at the two American Planes but didn’t hit them and the two planes flew away.

2

to something more like this.

  Reveal hidden contents

The Yamato’s main guns started moving and pointed its guns at the coming near aircraft, then Yamato fired its guns at the two American Planes but didn’t hit them, and the two planes flew away.

 

And this comes with practice (which you can gain both by writing and by reading), but that sentence is a bit difficult to read. Something like this is a bit easier on the eyes, and as you get more used to writing, you can add more descriptive text. Just don't go overboard or it will feel flowery. Obviously you'll have your own writing style, but sentences can feel a little sloppy when there are too many commas and/or too many conjunctions (think FAN BOYS if you learned that in school. For, and, nor, but, or, yet, so. Try to avoid using those words too much).

  Reveal hidden contents

The Yamato’s turrets started moving as it aimed its main guns at the approaching aircraft. Ear-splitting booms filled the air as the massive guns fired at the American planes, but the shells failed to hit their marks and the aircraft flew away, unscathed.

 

 

I've already got a lot on my plate between my job, BronyCon coming up soon, and the three fairly large fics I'm currently working on. I don't have time to do a lot of heavy editing in addition to all of that. I could do a little bit for you here and there if you want, but it won't be fast progress.

 

Expand  

Thanks for the reply and also I'll try to use the Grammarly Online text editor to correct the 13 errors and changing and adding things in the prologue and the next chapter. I think its okay that you can to a little bit here and there option and also that means I can change most things in the next chapters (not uploaded) during the wait. 

In case if I'm offline on the MLP Forum u can contact me through either Gmail, Facebook or Instagram

  On 2019-07-01 at 6:20 PM, 2nd Amendment Brony © said:

I glanced at it, and yes it needs major editing. But I don't think I have the time to do it. I would say the writing is simplistic. There is little nareative build up. You describe in broad terms what has happened or is happening, but you don't paint a detailed, narrative picture of the scene.

Also, a lot of it seems askward to read. For instance, 

Later in the morning around nine o clock in the ocean of the East China Sea, a small fishing boat captained by Yamanami assisted by two alicorns from another world, Imperial Crest and Luna.

This could be a couple paragraphs by itself, describing the scene, the boat, the characters, and where they are from.

That's just what I see at a glance. I suggest reading some novels and adopting a style you like from them.

Expand  

Thanks for the reply and yes I'll try to fix it and I just posted this thread a day ago so I'm waiting for more replies. 

[Alexshy 14,709]

  On 2019-07-01 at 9:39 PM, Festive Booker said:

I hope you don't mind, but I copied the prologue of your fic into Grammarly's text editor and this is what came up. I don't know what the premium alerts entail since I don't use the paid version, but even so, that's 13 less errors that an editor has to fix and 13 less errors for a reader to see.

 

Expand  

A little advice regarding Grammarly: Fix all the generic errors it highligteth and explaineth, then simply click on the Premium Errors section - they shan't be explained in detail, but each shalt be highlighted yellow in thy text. Thus using common sense and being attentive thou can easily lower their number by half at least.

[tinytreesong 10]

I can help with editing if you're still looking for someone! I avidly write, though not always fanfiction. I took a glance and agree with the above statements as far as things that need changed/improved upon.