The Return of Trixie: Prolouge

[Pinkie D Pie 1,035]

Alright so this a prolouge to a fanfic I shall be attempting to write. I hope it's good, and please tell me if I continue to write it, if you will read it. Thanks!

 

The Return of Trixie

 

Prolouge

 

The sun was just appering over the horizon as the ponies of ponyville were waking up. Fluttershy was starting her morning runs to check on the critters. Rainbow Dash was of course, perfecting her flying. While over at Sugercube Corner, Pinkie Pie was making her world famous cupcakes. Rarity was just waking up, getting ready for a day of dress making. Applejack was up, ready to start selling some apples. Of course some ponies were a little stressed that day. At the library, Twilight Sparkle, had a visitor.

 

"What are you doing here?" Twilight asked while pacing the floor. "I..I..I don't know really." The other pony in the room said. "Well," Twilight, "Will you tell me what this great evil is you are talking about.". "Let me tell you a story from where I am from." Trixie started.

 

Over in Canterlot the Princess was having a serious disscusion with her royal guard. "Princess, we have has reports of the northern cities being attacked." One of them told her. "How many?" The princess asked quietly. "We have no idea, but we beleive we no longer have control over the northern cities.". "Well, that is not good." The princess replied. "No this is not good at all Princess." The leader of the royal guard repied.

 

Back at the library, Trixie had just finished her story, when a knock at the door sounded. "Come out Twilight." A very hyper sounded voice said from outside. "You can't stay locked up all the time studing." "I'll be out in a minute." A distressed Twilight replied. "Pinkie, hollering is obviously not working." Applejack said to her freind. "But I really want to see if she can help me make some cupcakes!" The overexcited Pinkie said. "Twilight, it sounds like somepony is in there with you." Applejack said. "Who is it?" She asked. "Alright girls, come in. There is something really important I have to tell you."Twilight's distressed voice sounded from inside. As all the ponies quietly walked in they noticed another pony sitting in a corner. "What is that pony doing here?" a very angry Rainbow Dash asked. "She has a story she wanted to tell us. And before you go off on her, her story was very important and needs to be taking up with the princess. Now Trixie is it alright if I tell them your story." Twilight asked. "Go ahead." Trixie replied.

 

"Alright then. Girls have you all heard of the northern cities?" Twilight asked her six freinds. "Only a few tales." Replied Rarity, as the other few shook there head in agreeement. "Well this tale is going to be all the better for you then. Up there the cities are not as nice as down here. There was an evil alicorn who made it there home. This pony wanted to take over the world starting with the cities of the north and eventually working there way to Canterlot. The pony had no name that anypony knew about. Not even her followers called her anything but Master. Trixie was from one of the cities up north. There were a few unicorns like her, who held imiense power. These unicorns bravely stood up to the alicorn but were eventually defeated. Only one that we know of escaped, and that is Trixie. We have heard of the rest of the ponies swearing loyalty to the master. One such pony was another unicorn known now only as the Dark Mare. She is supposdly raising an army to attack the rest of Equestria. "Wait a second," Rainbow Dash blirted out, "does the princess know this yet.". "I have no idea Rainboe, so that's why were all headed to Canterlot.".

 

As the six freinds and one visitor set off for Canterlot, up in the northern lands, an army was being raised. "Ma'am, reporting as requested." "Oh don't speak like that." The black mare standing behind the desk said. "What do you have to report?" She asked the solder. "Well, we reqruited even more ponies, even found some more unicorns." The solder said. "Good. We are almost ready for an invasion then." The black mare said then smiled.

 

"We must speak to the princess. This is urgent buisness." Twilight told the head of the royal guard. "Yeah, i'm sure it's real important. Now move before I call the guard." "That will not be necessary." The princess told the captain. "Now Twilight, what are you and all your freinds doing up here, and who is that pony right there?" The princess asked, as she pointed at Trixie. "Well princess, that is Trixie, and she comes from the northern cities." Twilight told her mentor. "And also princess, we have some very bad news." "Come with me then, the princess told Twilight and her freinds.

 

"This can not be good." The princess yelled after the Trixie told her story. "And you say they could attack us at any time?" She askded. "Yes that is exacty what I am saying." Trixie told the princess. "Is there any eay the elements of harmony could be of any use?" Twilight asked the princess. "No Twilight, there is no way the elements of harmony could be any use at all." The pincess anwsered. "Gather the troops, for today we go to war." She told the captain.

 

And with that the ponies got ready for war.

[Parties like Pinkie 385]

I like it, but wouldn't Rainbow still be sleeping, being the slightly lazy pony she is?

[Conspirator Lyra 21]

It's ok.

 

Try to break free of the standard cliche dialogue though.

[Finesthour 7,279]

Ok, I am going to give my full critique.

 

"The sun was just appering over the horizon as the ponies of ponyville were waking up."

Never start off with any line like this. It is dried to the bone, and it already gives the reader a bad impression for the style of the story.

 

In the first paragraph, you used "was" way too often, but then you used "that day" to describe Twilight. You cannot switch views all willy nilly. It tears away from the story.

 

""What are you doing here?" Twilight asked while pacing the floor. "I..I..I don't know really." The other pony in the room said. "Well," Twilight, "Will you tell me what this great evil is you are talking about.". "Let me tell you a story from where I am from." Trixie started.

Spacing. You need to learn how to space. If you keep it scrunched together like that, the story will be confusing. Do it like this-

 

"What are you doing here?" Twilight asked while pacing the floor.

 

"I..I..I don't know really." The other pony in the room said.

 

"Well," Twilight, "Will you tell me what this great evil is you are talking about.".

 

"Let me tell you a story from where I am from." Trixie started.

 

Also, give the characters more thought. Right now, you have given them a blank slate with the only words being there "twilight" and "trixie".

 

You haven't given them a personality in the slightest. In order for the reader to become involved in the story, you need us to be interested.

 

"Over in Canterlot the Princess was having a serious disscusion with her royal guard. "Princess, we have has reports of the northern cities being attacked." One of them told her. "How many?" The princess asked quietly. "We have no idea, but we beleive we no longer have control over the northern cities.". "Well, that is not good." The princess replied. "No this is not good at all Princess." The leader of the royal guard repied."

Spacing and details. You never tell the reader that it was a "serious" conversation. You need to introduce us to it, and raise the tension and suspense. This paragraph was rather boring as you scraped right to the point.

 

This pretty much goes for the rest of the story. You have given them no personality, but are just using what you THINK they are like. You need to give them a life, make them interesting.

 

This story could go far if you worked on these points, my friend.

 

It is still a nice prologue, just needs more thought and depth.

[Pinkie D Pie 1,035]

Ok, I am going to give my full critique.

 

"The sun was just appering over the horizon as the ponies of ponyville were waking up."

Never start off with any line like this. It is dried to the bone, and it already gives the reader a bad impression for the style of the story.

 

In the first paragraph, you used "was" way too often, but then you used "that day" to describe Twilight. You cannot switch views all willy nilly. It tears away from the story.

 

""What are you doing here?" Twilight asked while pacing the floor. "I..I..I don't know really." The other pony in the room said. "Well," Twilight, "Will you tell me what this great evil is you are talking about.". "Let me tell you a story from where I am from." Trixie started.

Spacing. You need to learn how to space. If you keep it scrunched together like that, the story will be confusing. Do it like this-

 

"What are you doing here?" Twilight asked while pacing the floor.

 

"I..I..I don't know really." The other pony in the room said.

 

"Well," Twilight, "Will you tell me what this great evil is you are talking about.".

 

"Let me tell you a story from where I am from." Trixie started.

 

Also, give the characters more thought. Right now, you have given them a blank slate with the only words being there "twilight" and "trixie".

 

You haven't given them a personality in the slightest. In order for the reader to become involved in the story, you need us to be interested.

 

"Over in Canterlot the Princess was having a serious disscusion with her royal guard. "Princess, we have has reports of the northern cities being attacked." One of them told her. "How many?" The princess asked quietly. "We have no idea, but we beleive we no longer have control over the northern cities.". "Well, that is not good." The princess replied. "No this is not good at all Princess." The leader of the royal guard repied."

Spacing and details. You never tell the reader that it was a "serious" conversation. You need to introduce us to it, and raise the tension and suspense. This paragraph was rather boring as you scraped right to the point.

 

This pretty much goes for the rest of the story. You have given them no personality, but are just using what you THINK they are like. You need to give them a life, make them interesting.

 

This story could go far if you worked on these points, my friend.

 

It is still a nice prologue, just needs more thought and depth.

 

Thanks for the feedback, i'll remember this as I continue to work on it. I promise the next part will be better.