an old guy is sad about the pony show

[Ishmael 35]

Since posting my other thread, I decided to go beyond just rewatching a few favorite episodes out of the series. I started from the beginning, the long-lost era of 2010 and the first season. I'm glad I did, even though my motivation for doing so was to delay watching the entire series for a little longer, because I knew that would make me sad. Maybe this is absurd for a guy in his 50s, but I don't recall having such warm feelings for a show--not even as a kid watching the original Star Trek. 

I've finished rewatching season 7, rewatched a Youtube clip version of the 2017 movie (first saw it on Bluray from the library), and just started season 8. Each 22 minutes is a respite from being older, from realizing my 40s are over, from all the horrible things going on in the world I'm powerless to do anything about, but I feel the moral injury just the same. 

But it does sadden me a little to realize that I'll soon come to the end of the show. There won't be anything new to look forward to, though I suppose I could try to find the comics. (My partner's son bought me one of the Twilight combination issues as a joke. The art is a little underwhelming, but the writing is in keeping with the show.) I suppose I'm a little like some people I remember from high school, and later college--those people who hung on to childhood or school for as long as they could, knowing once that door closed, you could never really go back. The first time only happens once. Or, as my AA friends say, the clock only ticks forward. 

I don't have anything to say, or ask for. I suppose it's more comfortable to post about this to online strangers than talk to my (understanding) therapist. Things have to end, and I suppose this is a reflection on how I've come to this place. Rewatching the first seasons, I remember watching some episodes in 2011-2013, when I was freshly divorced and coming into my own in a way I don't think I ever really had before. When I had the idea to start watching the show again about a year ago, I'm not sure what exactly spurred it, but I was still recovering from my stroke, and it's easy to understand wanting something bright, innocent and positive. Now I'm 15 months since then, and aside from some lingering stiffness in my feet I can't ever quite fully stretch out, I'm recovered. My only real problem is intractable insomnia that is at last coming under control (the CPAP is as life-changing as advertised), and just...wishing I'd been the writer I'm trying to be now sooner.

I'm glad I found this place, and this show.