writing Solara, A Tale

[Nightfall 3,950]

 

 

It isn't directly pony related, so I'm going to post it here... Tell me if you like it and let me know if you want me to write more of it.

 

 

 

I sit alone against the wall. The alley is dark and the rain is cold. The thin sweater and baggy pants don't help. My wings barely shield anything.

One word describes this: miserable. And all these high class people in the skyscrapers around me will never feel my pain. They should. Everyone should, just to show them how lucky they are.

I stand up and almost collapse. The scraps from the trash aren't filling. The hour of sleep isn't refreshing. One can only sleep during the day as he or she hides. But the noise...

I walk into the open, empty street. Everyone is enjoying themselves indoors. They have fun, I scavange, usually finding nothing.

"Hey!" A guard. Sweet. "You! Stop!" I stop and face him. "Wait... You're-" He chokes to death, falling into a puddle in the middle of the street. I haven't moved. Because I'm Solara.

[Spring Veil 255]

I like it, if you write more I'll read it.

 

Because I'm Solara.

 

I'm intrigued to who Solara is, I'm guessing maybe your OC seeing as your name has Solara in it?

[Nightfall 3,950]

I like it, if you write more I'll read it.

 

 

I'm intrigued to who Solara is, I'm guessing maybe your OC seeing as your name has Solara in it?

 

Thanks.

 

One of my three OCs. In this story, there aren't ponies... Only four classes of "humans."

Normal humans, like you and I.

Flyers, humans with wings.

Sorcerers, humans with magical capabilities.

Magisi, a mix between Flyers and Sorcerers.

 

Solara is a Magisi.

Edited July 4, 2012 by Nightfall Solara Greylight

[Spring Veil 255]

Thanks.

 

One of my three OCs. In this story, there aren't ponies... Only four classes of "humans."

Normal humans, like you and I.

Flyers, humans with wings.

Sorcerers, humans with magical capabilities.

Magisi, a mix between Flyers and Sorcerers.

 

Solara is a Magisi.

 

Oh well that sounds cool! now I really hope that you write more, It sounds like an alternate MLP universe, which has me interested.

[Nightfall 3,950]

 

Oh well that sounds cool! now I really hope that you write more, It sounds like an alternate MLP universe, which has me interested.

 

It is slightly based off of MLP.

I made an alternate start once... I'll keep going, since that start was focused through Nightfall's eyes... This one could be a bit better...

[Sepia-chan 495]

Interesting. I'll read more if you write more.

[Finesthour 7,287]

Alright, I will be as constructive as I can.

 

You need a spell checker, and a proofreader.

 

I know this is rather short for something like that, but you have quite a bit of errors.

Your paragraphs are... very short to say the least. I know they should be 3-5, but that is extremely short.

You need to describe your surroundings with more depth. As of now, I don't feel like I am a part of the story. Just riding on the back of a magical narrarator.

 

Once again, you need much more details. Just saying he was choked is well... boring. It doesn't excite the reader. I know it is just a sneak peak of sorts, but that doesn't excite us. That just... tells us he choked. Not why or how... we know the character did it, but not how.

Like I said, I know it is a sneak peak, but give us more MMPH to the story. Now it's just like you're saying "Meh. He died."

 

Work on your spacing a bit more. If you have all the dialogue in one sentence, it can get confusing. Fast.

 

All and all, I'd give this about a 3/5.

 

Keep working on it.

[Ember_star 229]

yay, i like it! i want to read MOREEEE

[Nightfall 3,950]

 

 

Well, I just wrote this. Honest opinions are welcome. In fact, they are needed. And if you want to be a part, PM me.

 

 

 

 

Down I go. Level 5. I mean, Level 1 is the best, most high-class level out there, but there’s nowhere to hide. The lower levels progressively get worse, yes, but Level 5 is the best level to hide in and still barely get by.

When the elevator finally stops, I walk out alone. No one else from Level 1 ever wants to go to Level 5. “And,” I think to myself. “They would be right not to ever head down this way.” Because I look up and can’t see the highway network of Level 4. The smog blocks it out, leaving just a gray glow from above. The alley the elevator is in is empty. I step out of the alley. A bit too fast.

“Watch it!” Yup. Crowded. And the buildings look like they haven’t been maintained in years. “Stop staring and move!” I move. There is a buzz of activity everywhere. I must have entered the market place. I move off and try to locate something. Anything. I just need to get out and find a home. And that other Magisi…

I turn briskly and walk the other direction. When I look back, I see him following me. His wings, his bag, hovering by his side. There is no other human species that can do that. Only four of us existed once… then someone named Nightfall died in a flying “accident.” But this one looks like how he was described as. And he keeps following me. I turn left into an alley way and break into a run. I just gotta get out of here alive. He is still following. And the next right I make is a dead end. Great. I turn around to find him here. “Solara.” Everyone knows my name. “Solara, listen.” I don’t want to, but there’s nothing else to do. “Hey, I know how you feel. Running from the government and all.” I doubt he knows how I feel. “Come back to my place. I’ve got a friend named Shadowblast who can help.” I’m trapped by a feeling… he is a Magisi. He turns and walks back to the market place. I can only follow. My mind screams at my legs to stop, but they move anyway. Into a rundown building, up some rickety stairs, down a dank, dark hallway. We reach an old door. He opens the door, and I find a room that is cleaner than I expected. The table looks nice, and the appliances are in somewhat good shape. A Flyer comes out of a room. “Who’s this?”

“Solara,” the Magisi replies.

“How’d she get here?”

“Dunno. I was just about to ask. Have a seat, Solara.”

I just stare at him. Blankly. Wondering who he is, why he is doing this, what he wants. My mind races. I say what is on my mind. “Who are you?”

“Well, as I said, the Flyer is Shadowblast, and…”

“Not him. You. Who are you?” He hesitates.

“Me… well, I’m… I’m Nightfall.”