writing Needless (Poem)

[Samurshy 708]

My sanity was surely slipping for my greatest fear came true,

For I gave my soul, I paid my toll, and I did it all for you.

But now I am an empty and wasted shell that can hardly bear,

Those eagle eyes and evil lies and that egotistic stare,

But who's to say I am to blame and who's to say I'm not,

For all the things that true love brings were things I surely sought,

I had had a taste of what love was and god knows I still want more,

But In my eyes I see your lies and I know you were nothing but a whore.

[Finesthour 7,287]

My critique-

• Work on the grammar here. You have extreme run-on sentences happening here. Giving the sentence a comma does not call for a run-on sentence.
• You never space after a comma if it is not a specific thing, it just ruins the grammar.
• Once again, I am enjoying your imagry.
• In poetry, you try and avoid blatant insults. What you should of went for is heartless, or something of that nature. Not a whore. Takes away the beauty of the poem.

Can't really say much more than work on your grammar. Once again, average poem.

3/5