My first attempt at Fan Fiction (Time Calamity) Reattempt Edit 1.Part

[MuniMoose 489]

So the first one was bad but I got some help and now here's my scound attempt that I had edited so that It can be read because I can make a story but not write one so it short and like last time Say what you think and if I should contiune.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1:P.1: Where It All Begin

 

“The start of a long journey begins with you my young servant. Now awaken my sweet and stand up on your hooves; your purpose is near.”

 

“What? Who's there?” Dammit, I must be losing it. I've been locked up so long now I guess it was a just a matter of time before I did. As I get up on my hooves a drop of water or what I hope is water falls from the ceiling of my cell into my eye. Damn, that sting’s! As I stand there rubbing my eye a guard comes by the cell door and punches me in the face. I hit my head against the back wall of my 5x5 cell and pass out. As the guard drags my lifeless body down the corridors of the prison, the sounds of dying and sad ponies echo around me. I thought, is it really that time? Has it been that long? But then the voice from before had returned.

 

“Crimson, you need to wake up. How are you going to get started if you’re sleeping again?”

 

As the mysterious voice fades out, the voice of the guard grinds in my ear. “Prisoner 4237 wake up!” “What’s going on?” The guard replies to me, "Your death that’s what’s going on. Now shut up and listen." He throws me in a room and slams the door. I quickly look around to see where I am when a bright light shines above me. I'm in a large black room with many old, decrepit ponies sitting around me in pews. A guard walks up to me and chains my hooves to the floor. The room looks to have no walls, but that doesn’t make sense because there is a door. Right? After looking around to see where I came in, I begin to look at the ponies that are staring at me. Their look is like they think I could be food. One of them stands out. He has a long, dark beard that looks like an empty void. And, half of his left ear looks like it was shot off. Another thing that makes him different from the others is that he looks happy. Why is he happy? Is he fond of telling or watching a pony die?

 

“Don't look so sad Crimson, I'm watching over you”, I hear the voice from before telling me.

 

But how and why? Suddenly, a different booming voice yells for quiet and I turn back to look at the face of the odd judge and it was now the same as the others…dark and emotionless. "Let us begin", he roared. “Prisoner 4237, a.k.a. Crimson Moon, do you know why you have been locked up for the past 5 years or should I remind you?” I say nothing but think to myself, enlighten me. “You are here for the crimes against the state and your kingdom. You denied the Queen and in doing so you allowed her to die." I respond and say, “She asked to die.” “Silence, you worthless cur!” Again, I respond, “Why should I? You’re going to kill me anyway.” They all begin to laugh. Almost as though I was a comedian on a stage. I ask, “So what are you going to do?” The judge smirks and says, "Your death will be now. Guard, prepare and aim your gun!"

 

Again, the voice from above. “Are you ready young one?”

 

To myself I think, what do you mean are you ready? I’m going to die. Is that what you were talking about being my purpose? Why am I even talking to you? You’re just that voice in my head. My insanity. I prepare myself for what is to be my next stop along the road of life. The guard walks up to me, with his flintlock loaded, and prepares. It is like he knew he was going to be doing this today. He raises the gun to my face and I am looking down the barrel. I close my eyes as I hear the clicks of the hammer and then the boom. But there is no pain. No impact. No ending. I open my eyes to see the bullet. It is right there in front of my face. But it’s frozen. I pick my head up to look around. Only to see that everything else around me is also frozen. I had a strange feeling, one I’ve felt before. I turned my head to look straight at the guard to find that the face that I smiling before on the judge was now his instead.

 

“Surprised? Well you've seen nothing yet my young Crimson.”

 

End of P: 1

 

So what ya think?

Edited August 14, 2012 by MuniMoose

[Ashbad 969]

I'd go back and make sure, first of all, you're using correct punctuation, spelling, and other aspects of grammar Also, I think you need to go back to editing, it's a bit short and there's a lot of places that could use imagery and detailed language. Writing something the first time is fun, editing is not-so-fun -- but if you take the time to do so, you can end up with a really good fic!

[MuniMoose 489]

I'd go back and make sure, first of all, you're using correct punctuation, spelling, and other aspects of grammar Also, I think you need to go back to editing, it's a bit short and there's a lot of places that could use imagery and detailed language. Writing something the first time is fun, editing is not-so-fun -- but if you take the time to do so, you can end up with a really good fic!

 

thanks I tried realy hard to get this spell right and haveing multiple personality disorder kinda makes it hard to get things out when your arguing with your self. Theres also going to be more parts to it I just wanted to get a sample up so I can see If people like where I going with it. Edited August 12, 2012 by MuniMoose