My Little Human: Friendship Across Worlds

[DerpyFanatic 114]

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/74024/my-little-human-friendship-across-worlds

 

This is both my first MLP fanfic and my first real fanfic as well. Please read and review!

 

Discord is back, but this time he has a whole new trick up his sleeve: instead of sowing discord among ponies, he gives them false memories and casts them into an alternate universe where they live out their lives as humans, unaware of their former lives in Equestria as magical talking ponies. However, Spike manages to cross over into the human world and sets off on a quest to locate, restore and bring back the Bearers of Harmony and corral Discord once again. 

[Fluffy Pinkie 417]

This is a good story the writing is good especially if this is your first fanfic. The only thing i could say is while having a fast-paced story is fine it kinda rushes by too fast. But maybe that's what you're going for? i think i'll try to keep up to date on this story as it is an interesting subject for a story. Keep up the good work.

[DerpyFanatic 114]

Chapter Three has been uploaded at long last. There's a surprise in store for Twilight and Spike! Have they found another trapped pony?

[RoseLaflesh 38]

I've finished reading what you have so far.

 

I agree, the pacing is too quick. You don't give any time to build up suspense. If it's this easy to find the other ponies, then there's no conflict, and if there's no conflict then you're story is no different than "Johnny wanted ice cream, so he went  the store. He bought an ice cream come and ate it on the way home. The end." Alright, maybe not that simplistic, but the point I'm trying to make is that without conflict there's no reason to follow the story. There's nothing holding the characters back from their goals and it doesn't seem like there's a chance that the characters can fail, and with no chance that the characters can fail, I already know the end of the story.

 

This amulet seems infallible. It opens portals to different universes (and closes them up as well), it finds lost ponies and it returns their memories all within the course of a day or two. Not even Twilight (whose special talent is magic) can do all of that without seriously exhausting herself, so how is it that an amulet holds almost limitless power? It's a bit of a dux ex machina, that's really draining some of the power this story could have.

 

Another issue I have is that Trixie is a bit out of character (well not out of character if she was wearing the Alicorn Amulet, but since this is after that episode, I'm guessing it's still hidden). She's also more foalish than she usually is. Also, if she wanted the power of the Alicorn Amulet back, then why didn't she interrogate the mane six for it's whereabouts, or even Zecora. I can see her being arrogant enough to think she could control Discord, but you suggest that Discord teamed up with her, and he's not exactly a team player (at least not until Fluttershy befriends him, but this is clearly set before that). 

 

But other than that, it's a really cool concept.

[DerpyFanatic 114]

*sigh*

 

Damn it, you're right on all counts. A few things I'd like to point out, though:

 

1. There's something to be said for a good deus ex machina, and considering Celestia and Luna both far outstrip Twilight in terms of magical ability and power, the amulet's abilities aren't that implausible.

2. To be honest, I'm not really trying to build up suspense, I was focusing more on the plot detail and the backstory which is being unrolled every second chapter. I know, it's really fast-paced, I'm trying to slow it down a little. There will be conflict later on, though, I think part of the reason the story is going so fast is my eagerness to really let the bad guys loose.

3. Trixie is pretty foalish in this, but then again we're talking about a pre-Magic Duel Trixie who is utterly desperate to get back at Twilight. Besides, strapping on the Alicorn Amulet without reading more about it is pretty reckless in itself, wouldn't you say?

 

Bear in mind that this is my first major fanfic in any fandom, though, prior to this I've only done a few scribblings and the occasional filk, plus my creative writing skills are a little rusty. I do appreciate your input, though.

 

In hindsight, I probably should have gotten myself a beta reader.

Chapter Four published. Another pony is freed and Spike tells of the aftermath of Discord's release, the arrival of help and his fight to protect the Elements.