writing 2nd attempt at poetry

[CamRad18 337]

My first poem was received pretty well so I figured I write another. Positive criticism welcome and encouraged!

 

 

 

Born as a leader

But not equipped to be one

Taking the follower

Down dangerous paths

 

Forging ahead

With blind mistakes and follies

The pathway scares him

But he cannot go back

 

The errors leave marks

And create wounds slow to heal

Leader warns follower

Blood drawn all the same

 

Not wanting this role

Yet behind footsteps echo

The unworthy leader

Feels far too much shame

 

The journey goes on

The danger worsens each day

Can’t the follower see?

The leader is flawed

 

Words fall on deaf ears

“My mistakes shouldn’t be yours!”

The follower looks up

Eyes filled with one thought

 

Undeserved admiration

Edited February 1, 2013 by CamRad18

[MelancholicMemory 2,025]

For just your second poem, this is wonderful! I tried to find anything I could to critique while I read it, but I only found two things. First I think "Yet footsteps echo behind" might sound better in the poem as, "Yet behind footsteps echo." Secondly, I think the poem would be presented better if you took out the spaces from between each line and just had spaces between stanzas. I think it would be easier to read that way. You did a great job, and I hope to see more poetry from you soon! 

[CamRad18 337]

For just your second poem, this is wonderful! I tried to find anything I could to critique while I read it, but I only found two things. First I think "Yet footsteps echo behind" might sound better in the poem as, "Yet behind footsteps echo." Secondly, I think the poem would be presented better if you took out the spaces from between each line and just had spaces between stanzas. I think it would be easier to read that way. You did a great job, and I hope to see more poetry from you soon! 

I'll read over the 'awkward phrase' again and think about changing it. The spaces thing was a complete accident. Copy and paste is a fickle mistress. I'll go back and edit that right now. Thanks for the feedback!