Uncompromising: An Alternate ending to Wonderbolt Academy.

[Mand'alor Dash 2,224]

Here's a fic I've been working on in my spare time for about a week now. I don't want to give away too much, but just know that it's an alternate ending to Wonderbolt Academy that has Rainbow Dash's life taking a very different turn after her dreams of becoming a Wonderbolt are forever crushed.

 

I appreciate any and all feedback. Help me to grow as an author, and to write better stories in the future!

 

Oh, and one more thing:

 

 

 

Don't trust the narrator.

 

 

 

Enjoy!

[Wardaddy 470]

Holy crap....that escalated quickly. But tbh I don't think Dashie would've taken her quitting of the Wonderbolts so badly. Sure, it was her dream but she's way better than that like. And the Scootaloo ordeal....that rose the bar to a whole new level.

[WingMcCallister 367]

Howdy RWG. This was a very interesting alternative ending to the academy episode. There were a few little typos here and there that can be plucked out, and some of your word choices seemed a little off to me. For example, the use of sobbed for a single tear being shed. I mean, sobbing is typically paired with out-and-out weeping, so it felt a little dramatic for what was actually going on. 

 

I really like how Dash trained Scoots. It matches the show well and has the great effect of tying your fic to the show even more, but I'll be honest when I say that I'm not sure if the element of loyalty would go straight for the kill. I'd expect her to go see Scoot, to have some sort of emotional moment; and frankly, given this is MLP based, that might work better in terms of the show theme. Don't get me wrong, a mad Dash killer is some pretty leet shit. Yeah... I just used leet in a sentence. Deal with it. Still, the power from your piece, IMO, came from Dash overcoming by setting the training of Scootaloo as her goal. All the emotional power is locked up in that bond, but the ending is all about the broken bond between Dash and Dust. 

 

I'm harping on some pretty minor shit here, I know. All-in-all, this was a pretty good read. 

[Mand'alor Dash 2,224]

Thank you for your wonderful feedback, and @WingMcCallister.

 

I have made some minor revisions to fix typos and such, gotten a third opinion from a friend of mine, and submitted it to EQD for review. I just hope they like it as much as you two did.

[WingMcCallister 367]

Wootles! Good luck. Hopefully, all will be good and it will be accepted and all of that glory time panda action force. If worse comes to worse, there are other things that can be poked and prodded with the plot. X3 Keep us posted.

[Wardaddy 470]

I aspire myself to become a fanfic writer, basing my works on movies that I have seen, games that I have played and many numerous twists on experiences in my life. My first work will be based on the movie "28 Days Later" where a group of infected ponies are being taken from their cells in the Canterlot dungeon to be studied on in order to fabricate a cure, until they suddenly infect several of the finest minds in Equestria of every species, infecting them and setting them loose upon the castle and Canterlot altogether. Among them is Twilight, and to let out just one lone spoiler she manages to escape. Stay tuned bronies, I'll be opening a thread in "Creative Resources" where you can read my works. I prefer not to use FiMFiction, its just easier to use the forums instead. First though, I'm going to have to do some enquiring with the moderators. Wish me luck.

[Mephala 2,633]

Question; why are ponies using leather, considering that they are herbivores? 

 

I thought it was pretty solid, despite (as previously mentioned) a few minor typos, etc. Some of the writing was a little cheesy (ie., the "single tear", but that just adds effect.) I just don't feel like that was what Rainbow Dash would have done if she left-nor do I think that she would have become a murderer or violent like that. I suppose the point of fanfiction is to interpret and change characters the way we see fit...I just didn't much like the change.

 

Your writing is pretty good however; descriptive enough to compensate for the iffy characterization (that's just me being nitpicky, though). I did like Applebloom though.

 

Nice work overall. I enjoyed reading it.

Edited May 5, 2013 by Morrigan Aensland

[Mand'alor Dash 2,224]

Question; why are ponies using leather, considering that they are herbivores? 

A better question would be

!?

 

Thanks for the feedback, Morrigan. I, too, was pretty proud of how I wrote Applebloom.

 

Also, to answer everypony's questions about the ending:

 

 

 

My intention with Rainbow Dash killing Lightning Dust wasn't to convey that Dashie was unable to move on with her life. Rather, it was to show that her dreams and aspirations had been crushed too many times, with Scootaloo's accident being the final nail in the coffin.for her.

 

 

 

I hope that clears it up. Lemme know if anypony still has questions.