writing Quick dark poem

[Thesbie 33]

I've never really written a poem before so here it goes:

"Who you see"

 

Who you see is only apart of me that only tries to get through the day,

There's a side of me That I hide hidden and locked away,

It likes to shout, it likes to rant it loves to tell me everything of what I've done wrong,

And tells me that I won't live for long,

I keep it hidden in the darkest part of my mind,

Wrapped in chains on a steak left to die,

It been harder and harder for me to not let it free,

Because I hear the rattling chains coming closer to me,

They become louder and louder every day,

But soon they will stop,

once I wither away

[CamRad18 337]

I, too, like to pull out the old typewriter and lay down some phat rhymes. May I provide some critique?

 

(There's only one answer to that question)

 

CamRad18's List of Things to Change/Work on

 

1. The way you wrote this is quite cliche (monster inside me, internal struggle, persecution, etc.) Poetry is all about taking an idea and putting your unique twist on it. Every teenager in existence has written a "tortured soul" poem like this at some point.

 

2. As fun as being chained to a delectable cut of beef sounds, I believe the word you're looking for is "stake".

 

3. Capitalization is an awesome way to emphasize an idea or start a new line (although it's not necessary). However, capitalizing all willy nilly robs it of any importance and makes the poem look like it was hastily scrawled in an awkwardly spaced Word document. 

 

4. Same goes for indentations. Lines and stanzas should be divided purposefully. Don't just hit the Enter key whenever it feels convenient. 

 

5. comma, comma, comma, comma, comma, comma...no ending punctuation? It's like a cliffhanger with no foreseeable conclusion! Punctuation isn't required, but if you're going to use it make sure to do so consistently throughout the poem. Make sure it grammatically correct, too. 

 

p.s. If you like poetry, then keep on writing it! I'd be happy to help you out with any future work if you'd like. 

[thehXcbrony 5]

i like it. it gives me an image of something really dark and secret that can't be shown to anyone. and that is some pretty deep stuff friend. for the first time, you did good, however it gets better as you begin to pool ideas togther and write more. anyways feel free to read my sanguine lexicon thread sometime. it's all my poems and other literary works. 

[Thesbie 33]

i like it. it gives me an image of something really dark and secret that can't be shown to anyone. and that is some pretty deep stuff friend. for the first time, you did good, however it gets better as you begin to pool ideas togther and write more. anyways feel free to read my sanguine lexicon thread sometime. it's all my poems and other literary works. 

Thank you so much! I try to be as visual as I possibly can but my grammar is my weak side.^^"  And I will most defiantly read your thread! Thanks again!