Jump to content
Guidelines

DuskSong

User
 View Profile  See their content

  • Posts

    368

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by DuskSong

  1. DuskSong

    my descent.

    By DuskSong,

    I have been gone for quite some time. There has been much on my plate, and it has been extremely overwhelming physically and mentally. Believe me when I say that life has taken it's toll on me harder than I ever imagined it would. I'm tired. Tired of the vicious cycle that is depression and anxiety. An endless fight against my own head to just fucking function. Stress has become my life. Misery is the only frame of mind that I have lived within for some time now. Pressure formed mountainous walls that blocked off any chance for me to move forward. I had to give up a lot to make it through some of the worst months I have had as of late. Over the mountain, the horizon and sky have been slowly clearing again after violent storms that robbed me of the stable footing I worked so very hard to gain. Slowly, I am getting back up. But, my descent has been disastrously difficult and long.
    Quarter 1 of school was easy, and free-spirited. Going into eleventh grade was anxiety-ridden, however. Nearly every senior warned my friends and I of the difficulties. It just so happened that my first semester would be full of difficult classes mixed with teachers that made core classes much harder than they need to be, and long, arduous assignments that weighed heavily on my shoulders until my spine snapped under it. Despite this, the first quarter of my school year went by with ease. Grade-wise, it will probably be the best quarter of this year. Right as Quarter 2 began, the success and happiness I had achieved crashed down on me.
    A few days into the quarter, I lost the girl who was my entire world. She brought joy and new perspectives into my life, and ultimately made me a better person. After half a year with her, we were forced to split for reasons that I will not speak about. For a couple weeks, my mentality was a mess. Even though my mind was scattered between increasingly larger work loads, emotional stress, and my own home life, I had to push on. Although we split, we continued to be friends up until recently, which I will discuss later on. November was already a month that I absolutely despised due to significant emotional trauma I have associated with that time of the year. The Holiday season has never been kind to me. Our relationship's abrupt ending had impacts that rippled through the next two months of my life.
    It was in December that I made the tough decision to drop from the extra-cirriculars I had been a part of to focus on my schoolwork and mental health, that was at the time crumbling. At that point, I was using after-school practice to catch up on the overwhelming amount of work I was dealing with. During December, we had a two-day tournament. I had competed the first day, but overslept the 2nd. After that day, I slowly stopped showing up to practice. Those over-sleeping incidents would continue due to my body's chronic fatigue rooting in the constant anxiety that chains me down.
    Finally, Christmas Break arrived. Having a near two week vacation from school was a great way to reset my sleep schedule and clear my head. Apart from working a lot due to late-Christmas shoppers, I was able to rest up quite a bit. A few days before we had to return to school, I spent an evening with a friend from school at our local mall. Doing so was a mistake that led to me cutting ties with her. She spent the night talking badly about a really close friend of mine and insulted me to my face. I told my friend about that after the night was over. Getting back into school, I hinted about it during class, which sparked a long argument over text with her. Based on her social media, she is still quite bitter about being called out for being toxic. She would befriend people, talk bad about them, and then victimize herself when they called her out on it. Needless to say, I cut her out and started hanging out with my close friend a lot more.
    With school back in session, finals for Semester 1 were coming up. My stress levels once again spiked, and I am not proud to say that my depression caused me to think some dark, unsettling thoughts that I have not thought since beginning anti-depressant treatment. Due to this, my dad called the clinic and raised my anti-depressant dosage. Unfortunately, I started the new dosage during finals, which disrupted my focus as my stomach was in a state of discomfort for a couple days. Semester one ended. I was very afraid of my grades and avoided looking at them out of feeling as if I had completely failed. Eventually, I was forced to look at my transcript. It was not bad, but could have been better.
    Semester two is now here, and my work load has been significantly lightened. I am in easier classes, and I get out of school an hour early. With these improvements, and a sense of relief over last semester's grades, things are once again looking up. I am climbing back out of the deep and dark hole that I let myself fall into over the past few months.
    I am still pushing forward. Giving up will never be an option.
     
  2. DuskSong

    crestfallen

    By DuskSong,

    i'm tired of being tired, of being sad, hopeless, lost...
    i'm tired of being in the same fucking state of mind i've been in for the past two and a half years.
    Have you ever been so caught up in your own head and emotions that you've completely forgotten who you are and lost touch with the world around you? I'm at that point again. Despite the anti-depressants, despite the therapy, my supportive friends, all of that, I still haven't gotten back to the happy and hopeful spirit I had years ago. I don't know if that's normal, I don't know if it's just growing up, because I never had a normal life. My depression and anxiety as of late has been replaced with a permanent sense of fatigue from the time spent working through all of the issues that still plague my mind, and seem to rear their ugly head every time I begin to believe that I've finally overcome them.
    Maybe I shouldn't expect myself to really 'eliminate' my problems. I'm told time and time again that recovery is all about your progress, and not so much totally defeating your issues. Sure, I'm miles from where I started with getting out of the pit of depression I saw myself in at the start of this year. But holding onto hope and faith never helped me. It always let me down in the end. With recent events in my life, I'm not sure if I'll ever reach a point of stability. It feels as if life kicks me down every time I get back up and finally have my own bit of happiness. I hold onto those moments dearly- because I've gotten used to the sense of dread of knowing that the cycle will repeat itself, and I will lose it all again. Nowadays, I feel safer and content in my own sadness, because at least I don't have to deal with the fear of losing the happiness I have while in that valley.
    I'm terrified of getting worse again. I try to hold onto what little control I can have so I don't feel powerless over my anxieties. I'll push friends away and be my own worst enemy because I want to have control over my own emotions, instead of waiting around for what my mind believes is the inevitable day that my friends let me down. The only hope I have left to hold onto is knowing that this is my new low, compared to how worse it was prior to my treatment. I could, and have been, a lot worse. But that doesn't comfort me. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be able to believe that stability and true happiness is possible. Maybe it's all a perspective thing, that's what my therapist tells me. Reframe, reframe, reframe. She also says it takes quite some time to feel like it's helpful, and waiting for it to do so is eating me alive.
    Life isn't as bad as I sometimes make it out to be while I'm laying in bed at night, staring at the various pictures covering my wall. I have more than I could have ever wanted, I have friends who genuinely care, a job I love, a good life in general. But, I occasionally suffer a loss due to my own shortcomings, which has generated this recent depressive episode. This time though, there's something different in the way I feel I'm responding to it. There is good to be found in even the darkest of days, which is something I never thought true until recent days. If there isn't any other compliment to give myself, deep down I know that I am one of the most resilient people I know. I hold onto that, because my self confidence has slipped away just like my mental health over time. Being able to find light in the gloomy, shadow-filled paths we tread is what gets us to the other side. Even though it can be hard for myself to admit it, due to the thought patterns my anxiety has produced, I can still be happy, and there is joy to be found, regardless of whatever situation I currently face. Friends who make me smile, who build me up, songs to listen to, places to see, food to try, the smallest things can be the most meaningful in those times.
    That's where I'm at compared to the things I wrote a year ago. I'm having a terrible time right now. Not a lot is going right for me. Yet, I am not holding up a white flag, nor am I accepting defeat. I know the cycle of happiness and sadness is inevitable. But, just because I'm having a bad day does not mean that good does not exist within it. Like I said, there are small things that bring joy. I have begun to realize and accept that reality, and it has made weathering the storms inside my head much more bearable.
    Instead of asking yourself, "How could this day get any worse?", ask yourself, "What things, no matter how small, have been good today?". If you're too down to be positive that day, that's alright, as long as you take time to reflect when you're in a better state. I promise you: there is always a spark of hope in the dark.
    Even when you're crestfallen, you are not lost to the current. The waves that try to pull you under will only make you stronger as you push to keep your head above water.
  3. DuskSong

    [Poem] Wandering

    By DuskSong,

    The moon rises, I'm growing to fear it
    Darkness serving as a reminder that I haven't escaped this pit
    Wondering how the flame that once burned bright is now barely lit
    Silence fills the empty space around me, I grow tired and my mind wanders
    Wandering... full of questions and regret and pain
    Didn't even notice my tears that began to rain down
    Can't even fake a smile, at this point- it's a permanent frown
    How did this happen? I used to be a king with a crown
    Now I've fallen and the world's laughing like I'm a clown
    How did I get here? I was happy and hopeful
    But now I break down at the thought of being social
    I fucking had it all
    It hurts to watch myself fall
    The world surely does bring you to your knees
    You feel immobile when pushed, like you didn't even feel a breeze
    Wasn't always like this, but now I'm grown
    In a world where you're expected to work through it all alone
    Falling behind, I think my gas tank needs a refill
    Just like my bottle of pills to satiate the mind of another who's mentally ill
    Sometimes it's the only saving grace when everything seems to be going downhill
    I wish I was normal, to lead a stable life
    Because my own mind is backstabbing me, and I'm the one holding the knife
    So I could leave my house without feeling like the world is crumbling down on me
    And stop feeling isolated as if I'm lost at sea
    A prisoner of my own mind and I want to be free
    It comes back to the question, how did I become this?
    I miss being younger, before I fell into this abyss
    Suddenly, ringing fills my head, the thoughts turn to static
    and I'm pulled out of my mind as the worries become erratic
    The night is growing darker and my head is left pondering
    I can't sleep with all these thoughts in my mind, wandering.
     
     
     
  4. DuskSong
    (Trigger Warning: Mental illness & suicidal themes)
    I had always been a bit more prone to worry than anyone else I knew. Constantly thinking about the future since I was a kid, up late at night wondering about the possibilities of every potential path. I thought nothing of that mental behavior. Middle school wasn't hard at all, but I was still shy, afraid of what people thought, embarrassed when any attention was brought upon myself. My whole family has issues with some sort of mental illness. I thought I had lucked out, that I only had minor issues with anxiety. Life was okay for middle school. I was relatively stress free and happy, my friendships stable and my grades were something I never even thought about much, because they weren't hard to keep up at all. I started to get out of bed during the weekends later and later as I grew older, which I kept at the back of my mind, I didn't think much of it as the feeling of guilt and fatigue grew with time and each day. In 8th grade, one of my closest friends moved away and they were one of the only people I could hang out with after school, so losing them was difficult for me. Thankfully, I had a group of friends at school to hang out with, but no one to hang with at the end of the day. After being a loner most of my childhood due to my shyness and introversion, I never had a big circle and I was pretty alone. As I began to break out of my shell in 8th grade, and befriending more people, I had a voice suddenly speak up from the depths of my mind:
    Your friends don't like you.
    You won't achieve your dreams.
    Something will go wrong, soon.
    That scared me. I pushed those fears to the back of my mind- I didn't want to believe those things. I didn't believe those things... did I? I spent my time in 8th grade as a character, doing what I can to be liked, the voice inside of me made me fearful of losing any friends. Whatever I could do to retain the little popularity I gained, I did. I became a class clown, hung out with people I didn't like just because my friends liked them. Said stupid things. I wanted to fit in, wanted to be normal. By this time, I knew I had anxiety, a friend I got closer to after the other moved away was the only one who knew about it besides myself. I never turned to anyone out of fear of judgement or them not wanting to be my friend because I couldn't be normal like them. It's 8th grade, we're supposed to be carefree, joyful kids, enjoying our last year before high school. I couldn't. There was always something for me to stress over. Even though I had a 4.0 that year- I was terrified of checking my grades, because when I thought of it, the voice would creep into my conscious thoughts:
    You don't want to check your grades, you could be doing terrible in a class, and then you'd hate yourself.
    The problem with that, is that I was doing great in my classes. I was getting consistent good grades on my papers in each of my classes. One day, I told a friend that I don't check my grades when our teacher tells us to. He asked why, and I responded that I don't want to see a potentially bad grade, and they just shrugged. A lot of my self worth is based off of my performance in school, and it tears me apart to be performing poorly, especially when all I hear in my head is:
    You are a failure, a disappointment.
    Your parents will tear you apart for this.
    Why don't you stop trying? You'll never be as good as your friends.
    Those thoughts get louder, and louder and LOUDER until it completely fills my head and kicks me to the ground as I begin to breakdown, shutting myself out from the world for the night. I'd blare music in my room to hide the sounds of me having an anxiety attack. Then, the next morning, I'd get ready and go to school as if nothing had happened, and I put on that fake happiness, so no one would suspect that inside, I am doing my best to shut out the voice that is beginning to have noticeable influences on my daily life. I was already struggling with my self image, too. I didn't like my appearance, and lived with the thought that everyone around me was judging me because I didn't look as good as everyone else. I faked confidence and got told I had a superiority complex. In reality, I lived believing that I was below everyone. I picked up anxious habits I still have yet to get rid of. Nail biting, leg shaking, teeth grinding, spending too much time in the bathroom getting rid of any acne on my face because I feared I would be judged for every little bump or blemish on my face. The voices within me began to impact my physical appearance. 8th grade ended, and it was time for summer vacation. During the summer, events led up to me a lot of self hatred and heightened anxiety. I began playing competitive games with some close friends of mine. It was going alright, but my health was declining. Drinking too much soda to stay awake and becoming shaky, taking ibuprofen nightly from the headaches caused by the stress it gave me. I had to deal with toxic teammates that my friend had for our team. I got told nearly daily that I was terrible, which didn't help the fact that I constantly blamed myself for every single loss we had.
    You're a letdown to your team.
    No one wants you there.
    QUIT. You won't ever improve.
    Eventually, something in me snapped, and I quit cold turkey. Uninstalled. Left. I didn't need the negativity when I was already dealing with so much. I spent the summer playing games alone, not doing much. I had a lot of time to get inside my mind, but thankfully, I had a lot to distract myself with. 9th grade started. We were in a new school, a completely different environment. I felt okay though, since most of the people I knew were all grouped into classes with me. But, I started to become much more skeptical of the people I would hang around. That wasn't by choice, though. I was feeling more insecure than ever, as I heard more and more:
    They don't want you around.
    Stop trying to be friendly, they hate you.
    They're only being friendly because they don't want to be rude.
    Looking back, I think I may have pushed the blame too far on the people I cut out of my life, when really, my own insecurities pushed me away from them. Their humor and way of talking to each other and me back then, is very jokingly insulting, and not meant to be taken seriously. The problem with that is that I couldn't help but take those jokes to heart, because I heard:
    This is their way of being honest without hurting you.
    See? They don't like that part of you. Change it.
    You shouldn't like yourself.
    I was very easily influenced by my friends to hang on to the remaining threads of our friendship that was stretching further every day, and getting ready to snap, along with my sanity. After so many years of being friends with the same people, I guess we were beginning to grow apart. It was a natural part of growing up, but I put all the blame on myself.
    It's my fault I'm losing my friends. It's not their fault that they're treating me like dirt.
    I began to become my anxiety. In my hopeless state, along with my then-partner dragging my mental state down, I believed the things my illness was telling me. During the manipulative relationship I was in, we would argue over the smallest things. Even when it wasn't my fault, I was forced to be the one to apologize.
    You should feel sorry, it's all your fault.
    What did you say wrong this time?
    You fuck EVERYTHING UP!
    I couldn't look in the mirror. I tore myself apart. I accepted the state I was in. During the 2nd semester, I was wishing for anything else besides my life. I acted like I was fine, but it was one of the lowest points I'd ever been at. Algebra was seriously stressing me out when I was near failing, my relationship was getting tougher to deal with, when I had to pick her up every time she fell, but I only felt more isolated as my mind lost it's sanity. I questioned every choice I would make. I questioned every word that came out of my mouth. One night where I finally had peace for awhile, I heard what I believed to be the fragments of myself, hidden behind all of the doubts, fears, anxieties, and hopelessness.
    "Who am I? What have I become?"
    I thought there was no way out. I was trapped. Trapped in my mind, my relationship, my life. Summer began. My isolation grew deeper and my jail cell moved further away from my eyes into the depths of my mind. After every argument, I was lured right back in by a false sense of sweetness and apologies when I said I can't take it. I witnessed myself trained into a state of mind where I took blame for everything, and that I was a piece of shit, and it was reasonable for everyone to dislike me. During June and July, that feeling grew worse and worse. I'd given up. I saw no way out. It wasn't until August that I got a helping hand to lift me out of the awful situation I was stuck in, and ended it in September. My friends did a wonderful job of helping me be happy. I put on a mask of being a careless happy kid just wanting to live life. We would go to football games and laugh all night, or spend a night at the rollerskating rink. I pushed every thought of doubt and fear to the back of my mind, pretending they didn't exist. I was living a lie.
    2nd Semester of 10th grade arrived, and in February, my anxiety hit worse than ever before. I couldn't stay asleep, I felt more hopeless than ever, and my feelings of self blame and doubt rushed back in. I hated it, especially since I was doing better than ever with great friends, a loving girlfriend and in activities I love. I told my dad, who helped me get set up to see a psychiatrist soon after that. In March, I began to feel incredibly down and exhausted constantly. The voice developed a much darker and sinister side.
    Your friends don't care. They're lying.
    Your girlfriend wishes you were someone else.
    You're bothersome. You are better off dead.
    I was terrified. I never had thoughts like that before. It wasn't just my illness that made me think those things, but I considered it to silence the worsening thoughts that had a stranglehold on my life. One night, I had a terrible anxiety attack where I had those thoughts running through my mind and bringing me to my knees. I never had worse bags under my eyes than the day after that anxiety attack. A friend told me I looked like I wanted to die. And I did. It was so overwhelming. I had a breakdown in the middle of one of my classes a couple weeks later, and had to run to the bathroom to be alone and attempt to calm myself, but to no avail. I was only able to stop the tears. My constant exhaustion caused irritability, and I snapped at people a lot, and became very emotional. My friends were always there for me, but I convinced myself they didn't want to hear it, so I never turned to anyone when I was doing bad. Common sense and logic could no longer kill my irrational thoughts. I had become my irrational thoughts, I was not in control of my life. I had two screenings at the psychiatrist, and I ended up having both anxiety and depression. After so long, I became acclimated to my constant fatigue and depressive moods. I had more bad days than good, and it was very visible physically in both my appearance and my actions. When comments were made about the food I was eating, it was enough to make me eat less for days because it being pointed out by my family made me believe that I was gaining weight (I wasn't) and that everyone was judging me. In this state, I could no longer trust my own mind, which made doing anything terrifying to me, since I told myself I wouldn't make the right choice, and that everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
    I reached out, I don't want to become another statistic. Recently, I've started taking an SSRI for both my depression and anxiety. Asking for help doesn't make you weak- it can save your life. I needed to do something to silence my demons, kill the thoughts before they kill me. I've been brought to my lowest points in my life because of my own mind, and I am forever thankful for having a way out of it.
    During my life, I've learned that sadly, my own mind is my worst enemy. And, it's okay if your sanity is made artificially. You should always reach out if you're struggling, people do care, and I promise that.
  5. DuskSong

    this is me.

    By DuskSong,

    "I've got the whole world in front of me, I'm not letting go till I say!" ~ Sleeping With Sirens
    I'm finding these days get shorter and shorter as I get older. Hell, it's been 2 years since 2016 already, how implausible is that? I think the only stable, constant thing in my life for a while has been change. It's been a year since I cut my hair short and re-styled it. At the time, it didn't seem like a huge thing to me apart from physical appearance and the fact that I really wanted a new cut, but after all I went through following that event, I can't say I can easily look at old photos and recognize the person in it. I guess it boiled down to the day where I looked in the mirror and realized that I am not the same person I had been for years. My surroundings and the people I associated with changed me for the better, even though I had to suffer to learn some lessons. For years, I loved gaming and used it as an escape to get away from all the negativity that was drowning me, but even that became tainted as my friends changed, too. At the end of each school day, I went home, feeling alone. This was probably a large reason as to why my ex manipulated and changed me so easily, because she was the only one I had. Looking in that mirror became more painful every day before I did something about it, and with each gaze, my mind buzzed with so many thoughts that circled my head and it became like static as I grew in anger with the person I had become. With every reason I had to cut it, and subconsciously wanting to rebel against the ex that I had thoughts of leaving all the way back then, I cut it all off, and styled it into a cleaner, sharper taper.
    I looked in that mirror, and it felt as if an era of my life had closed, and I was right, for the most part. I started becoming skeptical of who I was hanging out with at this time, too. I'd get mocked or laughed at for showing emotion or not always being happy. I was seen as different and I didn't feel like I belonged due to my lack of athletic ability, my humor not being the same, my personality conflicting. The end of the school year of 2017 was one of my lowest points, I was forcing myself to act different to gain approval and I lost sight of myself. I was also changing my whole personality, likes, dislikes for a girl who became my downfall. It only takes one time for me to learn, though. I found myself using gaming as nothing more than an escape as I struggled to truly enjoy gaming as a hobby anymore. I kept gaming, and met some good friends, but faced a lot of drama with some bad people during September. After October, I ditched gaming and haven't returned since, finding other passions and hobbies to take up my time, while also avoiding memories from the past that held on for far too long. I've been taking time to recover, find my happiness, and my self, again. I found help and support in a group of friends who I barely hung out with a year ago, and they made the process much easier. Soon after, I dyed my hair because I needed an emotional reset, and as weird as it sounds, a change of hair color allowed me to escape into a bit of a different personality for awhile. I also picked up new hobbies, rollerskating, guitar, writing, and others.
    Lately, I've stopped caring completely about judgements of others. To quote Hayley Williams, "To anyone who told you you're no good, they're no better". I still hear remarks about me and insults, but I ignore it. They're not worth the fight, and they don't matter. I walk with a confident stride, face forward, while being completely aware that a lot of people I walk by don't like me. I do what I want, regardless of what other people think. I'll listen to music and do small headbangs at my desk while someone across the room is looking at me like I'm weird or uncool. I've always believed that you should focus on yourself and mind your own business, let people self express and do what makes them happy. Dress how you want to dress, talk how you want to talk, listen to music that others think is bad, let your quirks show! It's not a bad thing to be different, too many people are too alike these days.
    I do and act how I want, I don't care about what others think. I think self expression and being yourself is awesome and that you should be true to yourself, don't change for anyone. This is me, and I'm finally happy with the person I am.
     
    -Dusk.
  6. DuskSong
    The only stormy cloud over my head right now is one that I should've addressed long ago, and writing is the best way for me to do that, so here we go.
    I still have resentment in me, long after I left, even as I found someone who makes my mood great just by looking at her. I've seen that you hooked up with multiple guys after I left you. I saw that you lied about the things you claimed to have done the night I left. You claimed that you just wanted attention. You never let me have space. You were obsessively clingy. I had NO FREEDOM. Day in, day out, Skype during the day, Skype during night, always doing some sort of activity with you daily. My life was hectic as hell a year ago. I needed space, I needed some time to be by myself to recharge. You didn't care. I escaped through games, hanging out with friends who made me happy instead of draining all of my joy to fill their own empty souls up like you did. You told me I couldn't balance a relationship and gaming. This is my rebuttal to that: You treated me as an extension of yourself. You "loved" me because you didn't want to be ALONE. You needed a person to make you happy because you can't learn to love yourself and realize that it's okay to be single. YOU WERE SELFISH. I spent three days in August by myself to get away and be happy, and I still texted you through those days and we Skyped at night. You got mad at me for apparently "not talking to you" as if I didn't check in or make sure you were okay. Every day, every argument, every false accusation or claim, it dug my depression deeper that I developed because of you. I talked to you about the guild I was involved with one night, you made it clear you were uninterested, and said that they were stupid and that I should just marry someone from my guild. Was it a bad idea to tell you that I was happy around others? Probably. But you pointed fingers. You never ONCE looked in the mirror during our relationship and realized the faults within your own character. I'll spill mine, because I'm aware: I judged your music tastes, when I shouldn't of, I let arguments go on too long because of my failures to admit when I'm wrong, and I don't know when to call things quits when it should've been over, such as me staying as long as I did. I didn't want to give up to you. It wasn't until I was crying to my friends about how depressed I had gotten and how trapped I felt by a psychotic partner that wouldn't let me be free. That's when I told you I wanted a break, and that'd I would be back. I did have intentions of returning until you continued to text about how you missed me and made it clear how obsessive you are. I left soon after. You blamed ME for what you did to yourself because I "stressed you out" with the break. I cannot express in words how much that HURTS and how WRONG it is to claim that I caused you to do that. I spent a YEAR bringing you up while my mental stability was drained and I lost myself. Finally, I take a step to protect my own mental health and I'm "Selfish" and only "thinking about myself", as if I should forget that I am my own person like YOU DID. A relationship is separate people who love each other. I was at my lowest point that September, and I couldn't take it anymore. I held out as long as I could because I wanted to try to make things work, and I did what I could to make a future with us work out, but that idea got harder and harder to envision. Maybe that was my mistake, holding on as long as I did. I cared too much at the sake of my own mental health. 3 months later, you had the audacity of texting me. That message made me relive my mistake hundreds of times and made me hate myself for not leaving earlier when I had the chance. You asked how I was doing, and I tried to be nice and have a normal conversation. I found out later that you had broken up with the dude you dated right after I left you, the day you texted me. You seriously believed that I would get back with you after all the shit you PUT ME THROUGH. It was around this time that I developed an interest in another girl, but wasn't sure yet. Fast forward to just a few days ago and now we're planning on going out on a date and I wish you knew that I finally recovered. In the 5-month long process of finding happiness again and learning to love myself again, I found her and she is the gentle breeze of my beautiful Summer's day, as cliche as that sounds. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I don't need companionship, and I understand that in a relationship, there are two separate people and you cannot let them become an extension of yourself or things like what happened to me will happen. You were the opposite. You are scared of being alone, you want a person to be the solution to all of your problems, you don't retain your independence as a person. I fell in love with this girl naturally without trying. She cares, she is an angel, she also fell in love when she wasn't actively looking for a relationship. I've found someone who will treat me right. In the end, you've taught me a lot about love. You taught me what not to do, and what to avoid. Thanks for that.
    In the end, with this final writing, I finally got out everything I've wanted to say to the person who brought me to my lowest point. They say that bottled up emotions only get worse, consider that bottle opened.
    -Dusk.
     
  7. DuskSong

    A Story In The Dusk

    By DuskSong,

    I've been through more than I would say the average kid around my area has. Family issues I can't really talk about or go too indepth about, heartbreak, loss, being completely alone, missing out on your younger years, etc. I'm 16. I know, I'm still young, but damn, I matured a lot in 2017 and learned some big lessons. You could ask me to look in a mirror and see my year-old reflection in a mirror, and I wouldn't recognize the dude. It's funny, I actually saw a picture of me from 2016 when I was going to clean out an old Skype account- and I didn't see me in it. What I saw was a naive, quick to trust and love kid who just wanted validation. A lot changes in 2 years around these ages. Especially when those around you finally reveal their true colors and some may change for the worse, and some for the better. It was my luck that I'd lose just about everyone because they grew into a different type and social group than I. Maybe that's why I was so vulnerable to a manipulative partner back then. I've hated my differences my whole life. I wished I could just fit in. I didn't belong to a crowd. None of them got me and I didn't get them. It wasn't until lately that I realized that I don't necessarily need to fit in. I can be my own person. Through this, I also started to become more expressive with my clothing, hair, and other things. I stopped caring about fitting in and stopped worrying about what others think. If they have a problem, it's not me who should change for them, they should learn to not be judgemental. I don't try to stand out anymore, either. I no longer do or say stupid things to get laughs, because I am more than that. I'm likeable past my pretty bad humor. I'm trying not to sound cocky here, but self-worth is important. No one is worthless, everyone has a worth, and you are more than what you are judged for. I've found peace in my quirks, and shut out the world when they laugh. Pursuing happiness is more important than the thoughts of others. Nothing should get in the way of you and your personal happiness. I've picked up hobbies that are seen as weird or not cool, the thing is that I don't care. Other people are pretty low if they have to bring you down to make themselves feel better.
    Of course, when I was younger, my family issues made it hard for me to form good friendships with people. I was the antisocial, strange kid in the back of the class who only got along with other antisocial kids. I sucked at sports and physical fitness, but I was excelling at language arts and other subjects. Most kids were very sporty, so I was a bit of an outcast. I learned how to be okay in my own company. It got lonely sometimes, and that's where music came in. Music has been my rock since day one. Something to relate to, lay down and cry to. Something that would make me feel less alone in a world that I felt left me behind. Since I didn't have many friends in real life, my online life became my only life. I met some amazing friends who since last year, I have abandoned due to their actions or choices. They made me feel welcome and made me feel like I had a supportive group to go to when I had no one. In 2013, I lost my best online friend to depression, which some of you know. The issues I was already struggling with got worse after that. I still have bad episodes of my anxiety but thankfully I usually have distractions around me to silence the thoughts that will come swirling back in when the silence returns and I'm left alone to think.
    I have only known true support and friendship since the beginning of my 10th grade year, and it's still a new concept to me. The friends I've associated myself with this year push me to do better, and they want to see me happy, and I want to see them happy. We bring each other up, and can talk about serious topics together. I wouldn't trade them for anything. They gave me support at a time where I really needed it. I've been allowing myself time to sort through all of my emotions lately, and recovering from the past events that I had yet to come to terms with and accept that they happened and I cannot change them. Life is finally turning around for me, with fulfilling friendships, good grades, hobbies and passions that I love, and a girl that I plan to ask out, which I never expected it to happen. I never thought someone would actually ever love me, and today proved me wrong.
    When I'm walking along that burning sky as the sun goes down and the dark hues fill the atmosphere, I'll smile.
    Hearts can heal, and life will get better.
  8. DuskSong

    what could happen

    By DuskSong,

    "...Three words. That's all you have to do to make your dreams come true. So why not try? Are you afraid of losing a friend if it goes wrong?"
    "I am."
    "Don't worry about that, it's obvious that she likes you. Just say it. Everything worth doing is going to have a risk associated with it."
    After hearing that, my mind filled with all the thoughts of what could be if I confessed my love and what the future may look like.
    Late at night, she's cuddling up close to me on the couch and I'm listening to her talk about everything on her mind, and I can't help but smile when I hear her voice. We don't hang out often, but not all relationships need that. We're both independent souls that were looking for someone else to be our support and a shoulder to lay our head on when things got rough. This worked well for us, both having busy schedules with not much time to see each other. The days we do see each other are blessings. Nothing beats an anticipated hug from your special someone or a kiss during a romantic night together.
    Our lack of shared interests besides extra-curriculars never bothered me. That's not why I fell in love. For some reason, my heart decided that she's the one I want to open up to, become intimate with, the one I'd tell everything to, and become her protection and shoulder to lean on. Conversations are effortless, and she laughs at every joke I make, even if I don't find it too funny myself. The smiles and laughter have melted my icy heart since the day I met her. She knows my true colors, and I know hers. We aren't the normal type of couple around our school, but then again, our relationship has stood the test of time.
    She loves reading, and so do I given the right book. I'd take her to our local bookstore and spend time in there with her looking at new releases, music, and having conversations over coffee at their cafe. Cliche, right? It may be, but I love it. We're both relatively lacking in the sociability department, but I've gotten her introduced to my closest friends and they hit it off well. She still sits very close to me when we go to games, and I'll wrap my arm around her and give her a smile. We'll have deep conversations together, laugh together, enjoy each night together. Each date is special and just as amazing as the first.
    And when I take her home, before she steps out of the car, we kiss, and I feel like I did the first night I asked her out all over again. She steps out of the car, and I have a sense of thankfulness wash over me.
    I am so glad I decided to confess my feelings.
    Of course, this is all what could happen.
     
  9. DuskSong

    diverging paths

    By DuskSong,

    At a younger age, I had always thought that I would be the one who didn't deal with losing old friends or growing apart from people that I assumed would be there forever. High school was completely demolished my previous expectations and assumptions about how life would play out as we all gained freedom and found what we each enjoyed doing, and thus followed those paths in our education. 9th wasn't much different, considering we were in STEM based core classes, but a river of new faces and choices slowly eroded away at what was considered an unbreakable bond that we all formed during the past 3 years of our lives. I was a fool to hold onto that notion for so long. That belief made me ignorant enough to stick around friends who were bad for me. Immature, with a bad attitude towards change or things outside their accepted bubble of what is "normal" and what isn't. They never liked me too much, but I didn't like them much, either. I was too serious, not funny enough, not good enough for them. I attempted to befriend some people that would actively make their distaste for me known. Being naive and stubborn, I refused to accept that some people won't like me. The thing is, not everyone will like you, and that's something that is good to come to terms with early in life. Along with a relationship that drained my happiness, I was attempting to become someone I wasn't to appeal to a group that I resent now. They haven't grown up, you can't have a conversation with half of them and they'll yell "cringe" at any serious topic discussed.
    I made some tough decisions in 2017. I'm not a social person but I had to get to know old friends I hadn't spoken to in ages because they were the ones I got to see the most in the beginning of the school year. Some people will tell you that everything happens for a reason, and I do believe it, to some extent. My first big decision was to leave my partner who drove me to rock bottom, and it took much coercion to get me to do that. I then stopped associating with anyone related to my past friend group, I don't need or want them, and it's clear they didn't want me. The months from September to December were spent on self improvement. I entered a stage of looking out for myself only. Not to come off as selfish, but I needed that time more than ever to figure out my life and decide where I was going and what I wanted. I found supportive friends, found enjoyable hobbies and grew from the suffering as a result of the near year-long relationship I left. I let go of judgements, everyone deserves a chance. As I began to follow my own path and discover new passions and befriend new people, I realized my own path was being paved right in front of my eyes, and I knew right at that moment that I was going to have to leave some things behind in order to grow.
    As I keep walking down this winding road, there's forks forming with every step and uneven paths. They look scary, but it's boring to continue down the same, normal path.
    I think I'm ready to take some risky turns.
  10. DuskSong

    love left unspoken

    By DuskSong,

    i'm so badly in love. with this post, i think i've been able to explain how i genuinely feel.
    I'm floating in a void with a dark descent below me, but a bright light above, and if I want to reach that light, I have to make an extremely risky move. What do you expect me to do? I've got friends pushing me to ask you out, and I am terrified of what may happen. The question in my head is how did I let my walls break down so quickly? I built them high after the last girl, I'm so fucking afraid to love, and you have no idea. Maybe I'll tell you about it soon. You've been occupying my thoughts a lot lately, and I wish it was easy to know how you feel about me. I could be getting my hopes up over nothing and maybe you don't actually want me and that's fine, but let me know. I'm not spending all this time trying to work out the ever-expanding mess in my head for this to mean nothing. We don't even see each other often, and yet you've managed to make me fall over the course of 2 months in an after school extra-curricular. I'm so afraid to make the first move, and I wish I could make things easier. But those things only happen in our dreams. Maybe you only want me as a friend, and I'm stressing over what you want. Time keeps moving forward, the clock keeps ticking and time is running out for me to say something, and it's a deep drop into the dark abyss below me. You're standing above me, while I'm in a state of purgatory between having dreams come true, and having my biggest hopes let down because I didn't expect this to happen. Will you reach out for me, or am I waiting on a false hope?
    I see your smile when you look at me, and the cute shyness of your personality. I'm the only person on our team that you seem to be comfortable around. You laugh at my dumb jokes, and you make me smile, just hearing your voice locks a smile on the face of a guy who never smiles. And it terrifies me that I could lose it all so soon. Am I the one letting myself down by being afraid, when you want this too, or am I letting myself fall over someone who just wants to be friends? The way you look at me, smile, and laugh says love, but those things are never set in stone signs. My doubt and anxiety is eating up my hopes while I still hold onto them and my mind is running circles trying to decide what I do, and if I actually think that you love me or not.
    I won't be hurt if you say no, and you will make me the happiest person alive if I say yes.
    So are you going to reach out for me? Or will I be damned to fall, my brightest dreams fading from view?
  11. DuskSong

    Anxieties

    By DuskSong,

    I'm doing great now, and life is good. But my mind won't let me feel okay, and family doesn't make it better.
    New hobbies, new music, more friends, life is good. Except a few things. I'm flying out for a vacation early tomorrow morning and I have so many feelings and thoughts running through my mind. It's hard to enjoy these vacations when 2 of my family members will get drunk at a restaurant pretty much every day, my whole family bothers me and I get singled out a lot. They'll purposely do things that bug me even though I've made it clear I hate it and I just want to scream nearly every day we go to see our grandparents. It's suffocating, a mental drain, and gets tiring.
    Then, at school, things are going good, but I feel empty and as if I'm drifting through the year. I'm getting good grades while not doing very much to get them, or maybe I am, it's hard to tell when everything is such a blur now-a-days. My parents put a lot of pressure on me to be a perfect student, which isn't happening and it weighs on me, but most of all: I'm afraid to let myself down. I have such big dreams and plans for the future, and I'm doing better than ever, my mental state is well, and I'm still getting good grades. I can be doing fine in school and be happy with my grades, but my mind doesn't care. Fear slowly seeps into my mind, thoughts making me stress over the smallest of things.
    Why don't you give up? You'll never be good enough.
    You're going to fail, why try?
    Your friends don't like you.
    People are just pretending to be friends with you because they feel bad.
    ..These thoughts, over and over, louder and louder until I snap. I feel like I have no one to go to, either. My dad is constantly out of town, my mom just turns things into arguments, makes me feel worse, and then plays the victim. I feel annoying if I go to friends when my anxiety gets bad, because I don't want them to think I except them to fix me. I don't. If anything, I just need support. Someone to say that everything will be okay and that these feelings will pass. At the end of the day, it's just me alone with those internal fears and anxieties. I've done a good job at suppressing my anxiety and pushing my thoughts away, but this upcoming trip has really set it off again, the thoughts of dealing with a family that I feel I don't belong in, one that annoys me to no end, surrounded by people I don't know, away from my friends for the Holiday Season that I already don't like. Being around my friends would make things so much easier. During the holidays, there's so much pressure to be happy and I just can't do it. I can't fake happiness anymore. It's an exhausting facade, which is why I'd rather stay quiet and keep to myself now. I'm not saying I can't be happy in the moment, but this time of the year is when I'm the most down.
    Even with friends though, I feel alone. Do they even like me? Do they genuinely want me around? I push them away too often, or I convince myself that they don't really want me around. It's been so hard to gain trust that my new closest friends will still be there in a year, unlike so many others. I'm slowly breaking down my walls regarding that, and I'm happy that I am, but the underlying fears drown me some-days and it makes it so much harder to fully trust them. I'm not scared to break them down, even though I've been hurt by doing so in the past. One thing that I can tell anyone reading this: You will find real friends, people who love you for you, and do want you around. I know I have, and it's my own fault that I find it hard to believe those things sometimes.
    I'm in the best state I've been in years, but I've got so many little things that pile up and exacerbates my anxiety. There's a struggle between my logical brain and my fears. I know so many of these thoughts just aren't true deep down, but I also find it very hard to believe that some days when my fears come rushing back and I'm left defenseless against my anxiety. But, I'm not going to let anxiety and fears win. You are stronger than what ails you. I haven't been stripped of my confidence or positive outlook just yet. When your mind tells you things like these, it's lying to you. Don't believe it. You are more than that, and you are stronger than that. You are all strong and these fears won't last. For people who deal with these issues and fight their insecurities and anxieties every step of the way, I am so proud of you, you are strong. For those who are struggling, I believe in you and I won't let you fall. These fears will fade and you will survive.
     
    "I can still believe" ~ Paramore
     
    -DuskSong
  12. DuskSong
    Hello and welcome back to Music Monday, where I discuss songs/albums/artists and explain them! Today I'll be going over a softer, romantic song that I find to be one of my favorites in this band's discography. This is I'm There by Hey Violet.
     
     
    Lyrics:
    This song is about falling in love when you aren't usually the type to do so, and trying to convince the person you're in love with to give you a chance and be together. It's a great song to listen to when you find yourself falling in love with someone, and are scared of how things might turn out if you confess your love.
    I must say I'm never like this
    I'll break it down so you don't miss
    My point is that you got something
    I've been hopin' and lookin' for a real long time
    So I'm not gonna waste it
    Rena starts out the song by admitting that she's never usually like this- as in falling for someone, and breaks it down for them. It's made clear that this person she is attracted to has something special about him, or she wouldn't of fallen, because she isn't like that a lot. Rena is hopeful and has been looking for someone compatible for a long time, and she doesn't plan to let this spark of love go to waste.
    In between the heart and mind
    So much lost in so little time
    I know a word can be spoken
    And then a world can be opened up
    And faith reborn
    And then we'll never waste it
    The first line here, 'In between the heart and mind', is a relate-able situation many people find themselves to be in when in love, me included. People don't lie when they say that love blinds you, as you do let your heart win and your logical thinking takes a step back. And in love, a lot can be lost. The word that Rena mentions, of course, would probably be love or the phrase "I love you" as when those words come out, a world does open up, and give people faith in love, and the 2 people in love aren't putting the faith in it for no reason.

    So if you don't wanna be alone
    And I just want a heart to call my own
    You just have to say the word
    And I'm there
    I'm there
    Cause no one wants to be alone
    And feelings like this they need a home
    You just have to say the word and I'm there
    I'm there
    The guy Rena is trying to get doesn't want to be alone, and she wants someone's love to call her own. They're in a situation of not telling eachother their true feelings, and Rena is relying on him to say those words and she'd be by his side in an instant- once again a very relate-able situation. The 2nd half of this chorus is general truths about life: No one wants to be alone, and the feeling of love needs another person, or, a 'home'.

    Stand still don't give me a sign
    I'd love to think I'm yours and you're mine
    I'll be wherever I'm needed
    Wanted or even deleted
    Blind or all things clear
    However you want it
    At this point, Rena is willing to do anything for this guy she is so clearly in love with. She wants it to be a real relationship, and no matter the stakes, she doesn't mind it anyway the guy wants it, whether blind or clear.
    [Chorus]

    We can go we can stay
    We can kill yesterday
    We can laugh we can cry
    We can live never die
    Separate or unite
    Let our souls just collide and give in
    Give in….
    She wants to forget the past, have fun, laugh, cry, act like they're going to live forever- a typical teenage relationship. Rena is telling this person to give in, as she believes their souls will collide, or fall in love.
    [Chorus]
    Breathing out and breathing in
    The pieces of what we'll begin
    Whisper truth or drown it out
    We'll build it up or break it down
    There's not a lot of meaning to these lyrics, but it's spelled out clearly: There are pieces to what will begin, and it'll either be broken down or built up.
     
    --
    While this song has less in-depth meaning than others I've covered, I still find it to be a beautiful love song that many can relate to. If someone needs a beautiful, slow song to vibe to- this is it, especially when you're in love. It's got a nice guitar backing and restrained vocals to create a more or less common love song, but I still believe it has uniqueness to it and pulls it off well enough to be on my Music Monday series.
     
    -DuskSong
  13. DuskSong

    A Retrospective

    By DuskSong,

    My biggest problem with high school is the internal struggle between fitting in and also not caring. I'm not the usual type of person at school. I dress differently, listen to different music and I'm very selective with my friends. I know most would probably care if I went to them looking for advice or someone to vent to, but my anxiety prevents that. It haunts me and makes me feel annoying for ever talking to someone about problems I have. Thankfully, I know the people I'm around like being around me, unlike last year. We go to football games, I took a girl out for sushi one night, and they helped me ask a girl out. I'm glad that didn't work out though, I now have no attraction towards her after learning more about her. I'd rather be unique and less popular though, you could have all the "friends" in the world without any true ones who actually care once the crowds are gone and the day is over.
    Upon first glance, I come across as very serious thanks to my RBF. However, once someone gets to know me, I'm not afraid to show what a big softie I am on the inside. I will admit to them that I cry about things, I'll talk to them about girls that I think are cute (FYI my closest friends are mostly female), and about the things I'm going through. I'm careful with what types of people I befriend and who I talk to. I've let go of the past friends who didn't really care and were toxic. This year I've only had supportive friends who have made my process of recovery so much better and full of joy. I still remember our Homecoming Game, and that night was amazing. Some good friends were surprised that I came, and I was surprised that I did too. Before this year of school, I never had thoughts of going to games or wanting to do many social things. I can definitely say I wasted most of that year just sitting at home.
    Have you ever had a warm feeling when smiling? It's been a long time since I've felt that, and I finally felt it again last night. If that's a sign of a genuine, full smile, I can say with confidence that I'm healing a lot and I'm in a much better place now. I spent half of my time as a teen dwelling in the past and not knowing how to handle it, while remaining locked away in my room because I didn't fit in well and didn't want to go out. It's crazy to sit back and reflect on how much I've changed in a few years and I regret not sticking around here so everyone could see that journey, but I distanced myself from a lot of things at the same time I left these forums. I underwent a lot of change during that time, and now I'm back after 2 and a half years a completely different person.
    These days I've been living day by day, not looking to the past or too far into the future, and I believe it's a better frame of mind. There's no use in dwelling on the past, the memories are there, but you can't re-live them and you'll miss out on everything happening in the moment. I look to the future while also taking life one day at a time. As a high school-er, I want to enjoy the time I have left and have fun before it's all over. I'll go to games and hang out with my friends while yelling and making stupid jokes. I'll go to our local rollerskating rink on most Friday nights that I don't have a tournament the next morning and just enjoy the night in the music and motion of the wheels under my feet. Things are smoothing out and I can only smile and be grateful for all the lessons I have learned thanks to every experience of the past- whether good or bad.
    It's probably a good thing that I had no sadness or resentful feelings writing this, just happiness and a bright outlook. And that's why I wrote this retrospective. I'm only in 10th grade, I'm turning 16 in a week and a half. Going through everything I did made me stronger and helped me learn, and I now know not to repeat the same mistakes again. One of the most important things that helped me was having real, caring friends who pushed me to do better, and for that I'm forever grateful. Someday I'll be walking in the park with my headphones on and I'll be smiling and carefree. I've moved on.
     
    I'd like to end this blog with a quote from @Sunset Rose that was commented on my previous post
    "Strength isn't an answer to suffering, it's a consequence."
    --
    Always remember that Friendship is Magic.
    -DuskSong
  14. DuskSong

    Letting Go

    By DuskSong,

    ...We've all got to let go at some point, right?
     
    Lately it feels like I'm just repeating the same things, the same frustration that hasn't faded, the same resentment that won't go away. And I think I've finally figured it out. For years of my life, I've resorted to having a hard outer shell and being mad as a wall because I didn't want to let people in or let my emotions out. Well I'm going to say something, and any males reading this especially, listen up: It's okay to be emotional. It's okay to cry, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Bottling emotions up is a storm waiting to break out and make your personal forecast dark and rainy. I've been sitting here trying to write this and not knowing how to go about it, and this is the best way I could think of. I've built up a wall over the years after each heartbreak, each event that tore me apart as a defense because I had nothing left. Just a permanent shroud of anger and resentment. That's no way to live, and I've begun to see a lot of my resentment and anger as a problem caused by me dwelling on the past too long.
    The thing is, at this point there's no more anger or resentment or sadness I can use as fuel. There's not much left except the facade I put on that I'm getting sick off, and I finally let it fall one day when I told my friends the truth. I'm done hiding it. We all have scars, whether physical or emotional. For once, instead of the walls closing in on me, it feels as if I've been given a minute to rest and I've been pushing back the enclosing borders since. That night that I let my guard fall down and trusted my friends to not judge me, I put on a sad song and cried it all out. I'm not going to let these scars define me. I am not my anger, my sadness, my resentment. I am the change, I am a better person, I learned lessons, fell onto the ground with no one to help me back up sometimes, and I got up and kept going. And to keep these feelings gone so they no longer haunt me, I'm letting go. No more dwelling on the past, no more building up walls. Instead, I'm breaking them down and learning how to love my friends and trying to believe in love again after my first relationship ended terribly. I'm learning to not let sadness control me, and learning to let go of anger and be happy and full of love like I once was.
    To my best friend who didn't see the light in life anymore: I miss you, I wish there was something I could've done to change things.
    To my ex who tore me down: Thank you for teaching me the importance of taking care of and being honest with myself and teaching me what love really is. I'm not angry anymore, while I may be bitter some days, I will choose to remember the lessons I learned.
    To the fake ones at school, the ones who tear others down instead of building them up: Thank you for teaching me to value my true friends, and that not everyone is going to be a true friend, and that it's no use trying to be liked by those who will never like you.
     
    At the end of the day, I made it out of everything that was tearing me down. Even those who have been hurt deeply by something happening or someone, I believe that you will heal in time. Everything changes, nothing stays the same. You are not your past, don't let it define you. In time, these things will all fade and you'll be an even better person and you'll have learned and I know you'll be more happy than ever in the future. I believe in all of you <3
     
    -DuskSong
  15. DuskSong

    MM#2 - Too Many Faces

    By DuskSong,

    Hello and welcome back to Music Monday, where I discuss songs/albums/artists and explain them! Today I'll be going over another song by a band that has broken up and the remaining members formed the band now known as Hey Violet. This is Too Many Faces by Cherri Bomb off of their album titled "This Is The End of Control".
     
    Lyrics
    This song seems to be based around taking down someone who is fake and can't keep their stories straight - an all too true story to relate to, in an age where these types of people seem more prevalent than ever. While Cherri Bomb didn't always have Julia Pierce sing, it's no argument that she was indeed the strongest for the genre of rock, and she pulls it off beautifully with this song. In modern day, Julia is no longer part of the band. She was pushed out by Nia and Rena Lovelis because the rest of the band wanted to go in a different direction which I personally disagree with. As much love as I have for Hey Violet, the new lead singer, Rena, uses an improper technique over the years which has led to her vocal chords suffering significant damage, which is very obvious should you listen to any shows or live performances. Now, I'm going to explain the lyrics bit-by-bit and discuss why I believe the song to be so good and what the lyrics specifically mean.
    Do you care about me?
    Do you think I don't bleed?
    Are you trying to hide behind a stupid lie
    When the truth is in your eyes?
    In the beginning 4 lines, Julia is asking this person if they really care and if they really think that she doesn't bleed- basically saying that the person says and does things as if no one is hurt by them. The truth of it all is in the actions and words of this person, but they're lying even when the truth is easy to see.
    Do you think I don't see
    What you're pushing on me?
    In your mind you think it's only you against the world
    Is it you against the world?
    I absolutely love how bitter and sarcastic this bit sounds. Julia asks this person a rhetorical question- do you really think I can't see what you're trying to do? I've had experiences like that in the past and it's funny to think that those types of people underestimate you and act like you don't see the shit they're pulling. Then, she calls out the target of the song by saying they believe it's them against the world, knowing that its not, so she follows up with a question to make them think: Is it really you against the world? In reality, it's not.
    You say you'll never go that far
    But you're not who you say you are
    You've got too many, too many faces
    Your time is up in too many places

    You say you'll never push that hard
    But you're not who you say you are
    You've got your heart in too many places
    You've got too many, too many faces
    The chorus is more or less a summary of everything the song is trying to say. This person is not who they claim to be, they're fake and have too many faces, and time is running out for them before it'd all come crashing down.
    Have you lost yourself?
    Always trying to sell
    The person that you think you are
    You stay alone
    Cause real's just too hard
    The next section is a straight attack on the character of the person the song is about. This person is just trying to make everyone believe they're a version of themselves that does not exist. When you do that, you lose yourself, because you're creating a false reality and false personality. This person would rather be alone, because having to actually be honest and real with anyone is just too god damn hard for them. Not being alone means letting real parts of yourself show and they wouldn't dare let their guard down after all the lies built up.
    Always laying the blame
    You're never one and the same
    Could it be that you're afraid to look inside and find
    You'll never get it right
    The first line instantly draws me back to Paramore's song "Playing God" as a parallel to this. "Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror." This person never lets the blame fall on themselves even when it belongs there, so they make everyone else at blame for things that happen. They're never the same, never genuine. That leads Julia to wonder if they're afraid to realize that they can't become the right version of themselves, linking to the previous line that they're never one and the same.
    [Chorus repeats here]
    So many sides to you
    Nobody knows the truth
    How you ever gonna keep it straight?
    I know what you're all about
    I've got you figured out
    Do you wanna be a memory?
     
    This final part of the song has Julia tearing this fake person down for all the lies and faces they have constructed. You can't keep up the lies forever, you won't always be able to keep every story straight- so why not just be honest? She knows what they're up to and she's not oblivious to they're actions. They're doomed to be nothing more than a memory for their constantly changing stories and not being an individual who would make a lasting mark.
    [Chorus repeats here]
    Do you care about me?
    This line just links back to the starting line of the song as a final question and impact to the target of the song.
    --
    I think we've all known a fake person in life, and this song is the perfect anthem for the ones who are sick of people putting up facades and refusing to let their true selves show. I know this situation all to well, and while thankfully I'm around true people now, I used to hang around the wrong people and a lot have been fake and disingenuous. Reasons like that are why I love this song so much, not to mention Julia Pierce's strong voice and powerful rock instrumental making this song a memorable one- even though it's not too catchy, but it's good to remember that a good song doesn't always mean catchy. Lots of catchy songs can be pretty bad!
     
    -Dusk
  16. DuskSong
    As a person who is a huge music addict, I want to start up a series of blog posts where I discuss a song per week, explain it's lyrics and why it has meaning to me. Today, we're starting with a great song from Paramore's 3rd studio album "Brand New Eyes" titled Careful.
    Lyrics:
    To start, I'm gonna explain the lyrics and some interpretations of each part of the song.
    "I settled down a twisted up frown
    Disguised as a smile, well
    You would have never known"
    The song opens stating that Hayley has settled on keeping a "twisted up frown", basically stating she is showing a fake happiness, but the person this song is aimed at has no clue- they're oblivious to how Hayley Williams actually feels on the inside, unsure of the future and unknowing of who she can run to in a time where everything was changing.
    "I had it all
    But, not what I wanted
    'cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown

    You'd make your way in
    I'd resist you just like this

    You can't tell me to feel
    The truth never set me free
    So, I did it myself"
    The first few lines in this section show that while the band was extremely popular and successful, Hayley didn't have what she wanted as the thought of hope was unknown to her and never before traversed, hence the description of it being overgrown. One could also take it as while the place of hope in her head was unexplored, it was growing at a fast rate. In the next two lines, she writes about someone possibly entering her life and trying to help but she's resisting it every step of the way, leading to her saying 'You can't tell me to feel', showing that she doesn't want this person trying to tell her to have different feelings, or even to feel at all. The two lines after that are Hayley saying that while hearing the truth hasn't ever set her free, she can set herself free from all the pain and past experiences, but it'll be on her own terms, and by herself.
    "You can't be too careful anymore
    When all that is waiting for you
    Won't come any closer
    You've got to reach out a little more
    More
    More
    More, more"
    The chorus is a hard hitting one. In this, you can really feel and relate to the struggle of being close to everything you've wanted, but it's just not close enough and it's up to you to reach further out and keep going even when the odds are against you. Life has gotten them up to this point, and this is Hayley saying that if they want to progress, they have to work through their issues to go farther.
    "Open your eyes
    Like I opened mine
    It's only the real world.
    A life you will never know

    Shifting your weight
    To throw off the pain
    Well you can ignore it
    But only for so long"
    In this stage of the song, Hayley has her eyes open and she finally sees everything for what it is, and wants this person she is speaking to to open their eyes too. She tells them that it's only the real world, but this person is stuck in an alternate reality and sees things in a very different way from what it really is- and she makes sure to tell them that they'll never know the real world like this. Then, a very blunt and truthful statement is made- that you can shift your weight and ignore the pain for awhile, but it can only be ignored for so long, just because you push it to the back of your mind doesn't mean it hasn't gone away. You need to deal with it before it truly fades.
    "You look like I did
    You resist me just like this

    You can't tell me to heal
    And it hurts remembering
    How it felt to shut down"
    Now, Hayley has escaped the situations she was stuck in during the first half of the song, and now the person she is speaking to is in that position. The first two lines draw parallels to the beginning of the song, however, they are changed to be in reference to the target of the song. She tells them that they look just like she did when she went through it, and they're resisting exactly like she did, but the person needs to hear it. The verse wraps up before the final chorus comes in by Hayley saying that she can't be told to heal as once you've gone through so much, those scars can permanently change a person. To her, it still hurts to remember how it felt for her to shut down back then, but she couldn't sit there anymore and decided to take matters into her own hands to fix things and now the person she seems to be speaking to is going through the same process Hayley went through.
    Onto my attachment to this song..
    This song was one of the first I heard from Paramore. Everything that this song is encapsulates my feelings and recent events in life. I always had a fake smile on, when inside I was crumbling and depressed. But no one I was friends with would've known, they didn't care. And I had it all, a girlfriend who I thought I loved, friends that seemed good at the time, but I didn't know hope. When I was realizing that I wasn't happy and I had good friends who were trying to get me out of a relationship that was tearing me apart, and were trying to genuinely help me, I resisted at times because I thought things would just work out. I didn't want anyone telling me how to feel but it wasn't much longer until I stopped lying to myself. No matter how often I was told the truth, it wasn't what saved me. I was helped by my friends and I had to force myself to do what I needed to do. Life doesn't wait for you. That fact was something I realized in the past few months. I wanted to change, and I had to make it happen. For once, I reached out for myself and I've been thankful for doing so ever since as I've gotten out, gone to games with friends, gotten into new hobbies, and life has been looking up since. Now, I have friends and acquaintances going through similar things and not realizing the same things I did. I finally had open eyes, but they didn't. Everything I had to say was just pure reality and what needed to be said, but if they weren't willing to listen, they'd never know. Lately, I've come to accept and realize I've only been pushing sadness and resentment to the back of my head, and ignored it for so long until just a few days ago, and I have been working to deal with the emotions so I can move on. Friends I have are now going through the cycle as well, and some are resisting the truth just like I had. I can't act like my mental scars and damages will disappear, I've gone through so much hell behind the scenes in the past 4 years that I've stopped caring about repairing it all. I still remember the day I just shut down and shut everyone out because I wanted it all to stop, and it hurts to know I got to that point.
    Thankfully these past 2 months have been extremely good to me and I'm happier than ever, just working through a big emotional mess (hence why I made this blog post, to get some of that out lol)
    That's my introspective for this song. I can really relate to this song line-by-line as I have an experience to match each one. That's a huge reason it's on my top 10 list of songs (which I will make someday).
    Thanks for reading!
    -Dusk
  17. DuskSong

    Looking Out for Yourself

    By DuskSong,

    I told myself I could handle it all... Be her savior. Fix her scars. It broke me, and I lost myself trying to save someone else. I should've listened when they told me to save myself.
    Today, I thought I'd make a blog to vent some past frustrations and maybe help out a few fellow forum members who may be stuck in a situation that I was in months ago. The topic for this blog is self-care, knowing when you need to value your own health over someone who may be important to you. Losing your happiness and mental stability over someone else is not worth it. Months ago, I had to come to terms with that, as selfish as I felt for valuing my own sanity over a doomed relationship that forever changed my personality and outlook on life and love. But this isn't just a situation attached to romantic relationships, it is also found in friendships.
    A distant friend of mine had been close friends with someone who relied on her to be a savior of sorts. She tried her best to help the person, but ignored the repercussions and consequences of throwing yourself under the bus to help someone else. Recently, after years of being that person's best friend, she had to cut things off because of the toxic friendship that dragged her down and ruined her emotional state. Remember, friendships should bring both people up, and not tear one down. If you ever feel as if having a friend or partner around brings you down, it may be time to reconsider having them in your life. Sure, every type of relationship has ups and downs, but it's not healthy to have one where it's consistently always in the downs.
    You matter just as much as the other person in your friendship/relationship. Look out for yourself. It's not selfish to cut off a relationship and/or friendship if all it brings you is sadness. Don't put other people's emotional needs before your mental or physical health, it's not worth it and it's not good for you. If you're in a situation where you feel like a friend or partner is only bringing you down and it's damaging your health, please try to get out of that situation. You're a good person, and you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be treated right by your friends and your partner.
    Be strong, and know your worth.
     
    (I almost scrapped this blog post 3 times, I spent a lot of time trying to word this right, and it's probably as close as I can get it.)
  18. DuskSong

    Musical Influence

    By DuskSong,

    I've been getting more into music lately and expanding my library of what I listen to, and I've had a lot of time alone to think lately. Something I've wanted to write about that hasn't left my thoughts is this: Why is music so influential and moving?
    It was just another night, laying on my bed staring the ceiling singing along to a track off of Brand New Eyes, "You can't tell me to heal. And, it hurts remembering, how it felt to shut down" which has become a recent favorite of mine as it's lyrics encompass perfectly the feelings that I have gone through lately. The song sparks sadness, resentment, anger even. It brings out the emotions that I've bottled up and pushed to the back of my mind as a way to prevent myself from letting anxiety take over. It was at this moment that I had a revelation of just how much music means to me- and probably means to so many others.
    I believe, that in times of emotional overload, that music is not only a way to cope and escape, but something to relate to when you may not have other outlets. Of course, there's also been numerous studies done to show the influence of music on your brain (Ashford.edu has a great article on this!). Instruments and vocals alike can bring out different feelings in a person all the way from darker emotions such as grief to music that gives you renewed hope and a bright outlook on the future. The ability to relate to the lyrics within a song can also give people hope and be a helping hand that reaches out and lets them know that they are not alone. Everyone has struggles, and everyone has pain they go through in life, and lots of songs deal with topics such as these and give people something to relate to.
    Music can move you, impact moods, bring you down or make you feel like the ruler of the world and everything in-between. The energy it creates is a unique and interesting concept. An example of that is concerts (if you go to one where the crowd doesn't just stand still!). Everyone is there for one reason: To enjoy the music. Hundreds to thousands of people moving and swaying together to the instruments playing in a song. Personally, I think it's really amazing how unifying music can be across all walks of life, and in such divisive and polarized times, it's nice to be able to just forget about it all and let yourself be lost in the music with everyone there.
    Upbeat instrumentals can help you get stuff done, motivating you to finish your work, or maybe start a new project or try something you've never tried before. Slower, less-heavy music can be nice to sit back and relax after a hard day, or just to think over. Harder, aggressive music is great when you want to feel powerful and push yourself harder than before. There's always a genre, always a mood of music for everyone.
    ..And that's my little writing on how and why music is so influential and moving! I've always been a huge fan of music, spending most of my time sitting in my room just listening to music and letting myself get absorbed into it. What are some of your favorite artists/albums/genres? I'd love to hear in the comments! I'm going to end this by listing some of my favorite albums as of recently- maybe you'll find a new favorite in it.
    My Favorite Albums (Unordered)
    This Is The End Of Control - Cherri Bomb (now Hey Violet)
    After Laughter - Paramore
    Brand New Eyes - Paramore
    Self Titled - Paramore
    (yeah im a huge Paramore fan lol)
    From The Outside - Hey Violet
    Blurryface - Twenty One Pilots
    Gossip - Sleeping With Sirens
     
     
  19. DuskSong

    oh hey

    By DuskSong,

    I haven't forgotten this website.
    Hey! My name is 'Dusk Nova', it seems. I made this account around the 5th or 6th grade back when I was heavily into MLP. I watched up to around mid season 4. Even as my interest in the show dwindled, the community here was always awesome and generally a nice place to visit in my afternoons and make dumb blog posts about whatever it was I was obsessed with at the time. I quit this website back in the 7th grade, right as the school year drew to a close. Honestly, I'd be lying if I said I'd imagine I'd be the person I am now back as that year was ending. So, I'm going to indulge myself a bit and talk about these past few years and the things I used to constantly be blogging about on this site.
    Being in 6th grade, my views on the world were very limited and I was a gullible kid, believing I was some sort of genius conspiracy theorist, acting like the average rebel kid who hated everyone and the government, anywayyy- my maturity was also limited back then as well, obviously due to my age and lack of experience. 7th grade, my interests started to grow and I got into anime, and lots of MMOs and gaming in general. This was also a time where I would be constantly posting about technology (yes, I have gone back and deleted all of my blog posts, i cant stand to read them lol). I used this site as an escape because I was bullied a bit throughout the year. And after that year, I quit logging on. 8th grade brought with it lots of changes, and me waking up to who I am and finding out what I believe and just general growth as a person, it was one of my happier years although I was still close minded to many things and got into other people's business a bit too much.
    9th grade was major for me, going into high school and really starting to chase my dreams. I joined the local Young Entrepreneurs Academy chapter and through it gained traction for my startup web design business in my city. Throughout the year, I dated a girl who I thought I wanted to marry, someone who fit me perfectly. However, I am a very unemotional, logical person and she was quite the opposite. Through the year, issues arose and I tore myself down to raise her up and lost myself and my happiness in the process. I felt trapped and alone when most of my friends laughed at me for being emotional on some days and that would continue for quite some time. I no longer consider those people trust worthy nor do I see them as close friends. This is a big reason why my online friends had always been my best friends, they actually cared and wanted to help. The relationship I was in was long distance. Weeks before school started, I spent a lot of time away from her and with my friends because I was unhappy. They eventually helped me work up the courage and strength to leave a relationship where leaving was risky for many reasons I will omit from this.
    10th grade, finally free, finally matured, and open to new things. My best friends have been nothing but supportive and push me to try new things (positive things of course!). They got me to start going to games, convinced me to try rollerskating as a lot of my friends work at our local rink, which I now frequent. I rejoined debate this year as an LD debater and have loved my first tournament. I've realized a lot about myself, found new hobbies, got into new music, discovered that sometimes you need to let reality take you down to build you up stronger, as edgy as that sounds. The most important thing that I believe I have now though? Support. Friends who care, and that's the whole message of MLP, right? Friendship is magic. And that can't be any closer to the truth. If it weren't for supportive friends, I wouldn't of recovered from my relationship and the mental effects as quick as I have, nor would I have found things that I love to do now because I don't really ever push myself outside of my comfort zone.
    So, why did I write all of this if I'm not really on anymore? That's because even if my enjoyment of the show has faded, I still have a spot in my heart for this community all these years later. I won't be on a lot, but I'll be around.
     
    If you read all of this, thank you!
    -Dusk
  20. DuskSong

    unrecognized reflections

    By DuskSong,

    (not an advice blog this time around, needed to vent today)
    I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, the same face, same person who has the same personality. And in that, I discovered myself again.
     
    For too many years I cared too much about reputation and damaged my own trying to be someone I wasn't. For too long I took myself too seriously and acted too cool to hang out with others. With my endless pursuit of trying to gain acceptance and grow my circle, I went through a lot which caused some sleepless nights full of emotional breakdowns and stress. It was the year of 2014 where I first looked into my mirror and saw an empty reflection of a past self that no longer was. Sad eyes matched with a less happy look. To this day, a lot of those events are things most of my friends don't know about because its a hard topic for me to bring up and just makes the day worse and I wish I was better at telling them, because it still gets to me somedays and while I feel I should be over it sometimes, I never had many to vent to and these thoughts get stuck in my head a lot because of it.
     
    2015 was a hell of a year, quite literally. Change was constant and quick, I gained confidence issues because of how I looked at the time and I focused too much on relationships thinking that it was all that mattered- "I'm single because I'm not good looking or cool" was a thought that crossed my mind multiple times through the year. But as the year went on, I grew up quite a bit and learned a lot about myself and where I was going. I started to identify less and less with the personality and reputation I had built up around others and wanted a way to change desperately. The thing is, if I ever dared doing something different, my "friends" at the time would mock it and make jokes and they haven't changed a bit for years. I became content with the feeling of not being myself thinking this is how everyone was, but I was trying too hard to fit in, and I cared too much about what other people thought of me.
     
    2016 was more or less of the same, but I got into the relationship that I have written about before on this blog. It got bad. I had some nights where I stared in the mirror asking myself what I became because deep in my core, I did not identify with the changes I adopted via the relationship. Going into it, I thought it was the change I needed, but it wasn't. Instead, it taught me the most valuable lessons thus far in life. I learned to take care of myself, knowing when to walk away, and that you should enjoy being young and free. Although, the breakup was September of this year, the relationship did start in 2016. I struggled balancing who I wanted to be and trying to be likable, but something everyone learns at some point: Not everyone will like you, and that's a good thing, be yourself and don't change for anyone just to be liked by them.
     
    2017 has been the year where I finally looked in the mirror, saw the person I didn't identify with, and let myself really be me for once. While a lot of changes were inside, I felt like I needed some physical changes to give myself that full feeling of a reset. Earlier this year, I cut my hair, getting rid of my "emo" cut and now style it in a hard to describe taper-ish way. It really personally helped me change for the better. This school year I've gotten the opportunity to go to games with friends, try new hobbies and hang out with new people who are actually good friends which has been a huge help in becoming a better person and letting my true self show. Before I got to do those things though- I left my ex, which sparked me wanting to let go and really find myself again, because I was tired of pretending after everything I dealt with. I've had blonde hair all my life, but in October, I dyed it a shade of red which made me smile looking in the mirror after it was done. Seeing changes inside and out really proved to myself that I've changed and it's possible to be liked without forcing myself to act a certain way. And for once, I knew exactly who was in that mirror.
    A changed person, and that person was the person I always was deep down, and I let it free.
    I've never been happier.
×
×
  • Create New...