Dawnshine Wonder

I came to the conclusion we cannot stop the rot. All we can do is limit its influence over our lives, which doesn't give me much comfort but hey, that is the world we live in. No therapy is ever going to fix what I'm feeling right now. I may go back to writing my MLP FIM fan fiction soon, but in the meantime, if I cry again, it's because I know there's nothing more that can be done.

A fantasy world we could never be in. I'd give up any material possession for this. When love is the focus you have a shoulder to cry on in times when you're feeling down which in a better world won't happen very often, people understand each other more and your needs don't get neglected nearly as much. When prejudice is the deciding factor in how you get treated, you're treated as nothing but a burden. I've seen it happen far too often in the real world, people are disgusting and believe money, fame and power is the end all be all of things. Yes, I cannot stand this world, and one day I will cease to exist, when that happens, pain ends, permanently.

A common counterpoint people make is they ask why not do something about it instead of complain. I argue back, Seems to me that's been tried, and each time people forget history, collectively people keep making bad choices, like voting for fascists. People as a collective are useless and do not even pay attention to who they vote for, so what's the point? and while I understand religious people hold some of the blame for this madness, as an agnostic there are also people of faith I have respect for as a result of their friendliness around others and they actually follow the golden rule. I also don't blame them for wishing for a better world that will never come, that being, Heaven or Paradise. It is very tempting, to wish for that kind of world given the situation we're in.

A world that can never exist. and my MLP fan fiction I wrote and told people about, it's just imaginary, and I made that clear from the outset. I have been told it's a cute fantasy by somebody though. Yes, cute, that's the point, it's respectful to Hasbro's IP, but it also depicts a sense of hope, where genuine care for well being is the focus. You cannot cure disillusionment simply by using drugs, if you're in a world that sucks and is ruled by selfish people, then the natural consequence of that is you lose hope. People need love, and without that, apathy is the result. I should know, because I'm on anti depressants, and still feel pain. I feel that pain because of how corrupt our world is and people's tendency to keep using violence to get what they want, they're not isolated incidents, that selfishness is common.

Some people fight to the bitter end, some people give up before the fight even begins. That's just how it is. Fat load of good my medication did me, it didn't really take away my pain, not really, all it has done is made me accept a slow demise. Whatever.

I've lost my will to live, does not mean everybody else has to. I don't trust government anymore though, I gave up faith in institutions a long time ago, since they're not exactly ran by competent people.

People would be right about one thing, I don't appreciate my own life, what's there to appreciate? a two time elected President who is about to become a fascist dictator and could end up starting World War 3, while I am forced to watch it all happen the longer I live. There is no afterlife, another thing that sucks for a number of reasons. I cannot even ask a god to take me away from this rotten world.

I still have to wait 2 months before another appointment about that lump that is on my chest. It hasn't gotten any larger, so probably not anything serious. At the same time though I've had it with this world, when we cease to exist, suffering ends. If something does kill me in my sleep whether it be an abnormal growth or something else, I'm passive about it, not giving two hoots. There's only so much disillusionment somebody can take before they stop giving a damn. Because every day it's the same problem. Wishing for a fantasy to happen does not make it so, no matter what it is.

All I can do is cry myself to sleep tonight I guess, another thought that came to mind is taking a stroll out at mid night while alone and away from people, to think things over, still may cry.

I think civilization is a lost cause, the human condition is broken beyond repair. There I said it, I've explained my reasons in more detail in Twilight Soapbox section of the forum. However I cannot just wave a magic wand and wish for good things to happen. Some people may not understand my reasoning and to be fair it's not like that matters either. Opinions of others won't have an affect on the outcome. Yes, I write my MLP fan fiction as a form of escapism, but in truth since it cannot ever happen, and there's no such thing as Nirvana, all I have as consolation is friends who care, we live in a world where a lot of people do suffer though, so friendship is a mixed bag kind of thing, it doesn't truly erase suffering, not if you live in a world as cruel as our one where people keep fighting wars, spreading misinformation and make prejudice the norm.

I can relate to the fictional character from MLP FIM Princess Luna and her struggles in Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep? episode because I had similar experiences to her, self hating and all that. After reminiscing about that episode as it has been a long time ago since I first watched it, I know what she was going through and I do not wish that on others. This is one of the reasons she is my favourite fictional character, her compassion for Cutie Mark Crusaders is another big reason for why I like her so much. But the reason why the episode about Tantabus made sense is because despite her growth and redemption, she finds it difficult to let go of her troubled past, adding to that is she probably did not feel as appreciated as other Ponies still, making her feel lonely and isolated once more.

I think I might go back to writing my MLP fan fiction soon. And although MLP FIM world is not perfect either, it at least has a fictional population who is willing to listen to each others concerns, to an extent. Some of that writing may have been Hasbro's way of making it child friendly but there's more to it I think. There are things within the show that contextually, only adults would truly understand, such as the complexity of Princess Luna's mental health problems in Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep? episode, even then its execution could have been better with follow up episodes. No, people should not diminish self harm, labelling people who experience that as "attention seeking" or "selfish", and people who do that are doing more harm than good. It's those attitudes among other prejudices people have, that make the real world a horrible place to be in.

I feel like crying right now.