writing -my currently unnamed story-

[Sepia-chan 495]

Chapter 1:

I look around at my surroundings. A beautiful starry sky sprawls above the gleaming buildings. Though, I seem to be the only one interested. The cars around me honk, the people shouting nasty things at me. I press my feet on the pedal, and my car goes off.

My name is Hikari Samuson. I live Barusa City, in an apartment.

I stop at the stop sign.

I don't have very many friends...I work at a movie theater, serving concessions. A very lowly job..Every day is the same sort of thing. It feels like living in a rut. The same thing, again and again.

I pull to the right to enter the street my apartment is on.

"I'm here.." I mutter to myself.

I enter the dark room, turn on the lights and plop onto the couch.

Nothing interesting is on, I think to myself.

I'll just turn on the news, I suppose..

Hm, that's odd..The reporters are talking about odd destruction all over the world

Mysterious creatures have attacked cities..?

 

Suddenly, my girlfriend calls, the only person who can keep me sane in my monotonous life..

I tell about the odd reports..She tells me I need to get to her house as soon as possible.

"W-why?" I ask. "It's important! It's about the reports..Please, hurry! Please Hikari!"

Without further questioning, I head out of my apartment. Kirsten isn't the one to joke around, if she says she

has something urgent that can't wait, I know that something's happening.

I just don't know what.

To Be Continued.

 

 

At this point, it's still a rough draft. I'll edit it a bit, add in some more details and such sometime.

Okay, please post constructive criticism, and please suggest a title..I'm not good with titles.

Also, I'd like to add some tags, but I can't..

Edited April 7, 2012 by Dusk Eninama

[Sunny Fox 5,950]

I don't think you've given enough information at this point for anyone to suggest a title. And this is far from a "first chapter." I would suggest reposting once you've written the entire first chapter, which should at least be a few pages long.

 

From what you've posted so far, however, I will add a few comments:

First, you need to grab the reader's attention from the beginning. Saying how monotonous and horrible your character's life is, is not the best way to start. People have their own horrible and monotonous lives to live, so this won't impress. Don't reveal information about your character like it's a list. (Already you've divulged the following: name; place of residence; job) A bit of mystery helps, at least within the first few pages.

 

Secondly, I don't think your character as he is portrayed is particularly realistic. If you, in real life, saw an actual TV news broadcast of monsters attacking major cities, your response would definitely not be "Hmm, odd." That's far too low key a reaction. Your character might at first write it off as being part of sci-fi- movie until he realizes that it's actually happening. In the same way, if you are just driving around, as your character is, you wouldn't expect people to be shouting rude things at you. Unless your character is daydreaming about how pretty the sky is while the light turns green, and doesn't notice. Next: the phone rings, your girlfriend is on the other end of the line, and she's clearly involved in what's going on. So why do you need to tell her about the reports? She phoned you. She should be telling you about the reports, if anything.　My advice, go straight into what she says to your character on the phone.

 

Now details. You shouldn't use "plop onto the couch". It just sounds silly. Use the word "collapse" rather. "and collapse on the couch". Once you're on the couch, you have to switch on the TV before you can decide if anything is worth watching or not. It's a small detail, but even that much is jarring to a reader. Also, the reader does not need to know (yet) that your girlfriend is the only bright light in your bleak existence. It sounds a little bit angst-y.

 

I guess I might sound a bit harsh, and I have to rush to admit that I do not write novels or stories myself. However, I do read a lot of them, and I know what interests me as a reader and what doesn't. I think you have a lot of potential, and I would love to read more of your writing in future, but I think that you could benefit from my advice. Good luck!

[Talemage 47]

I suck at giving advice, but I'll do my best.

 

You might want to describe things with a little more detail.

I wouldn't really want to read a story that involves 'odd desctruction' and 'monsters attacking cities.'

Describe the damage. How much has been done? What do the 'mysterious monsters' look like? How big are they?

You're leaving out several little descriptions that the people will be wondering what they are, but in a way, that's good. Not giving much description will make people read on to find out things, but if you leave too many things out, people would just become uninterested.

 

I can't really think of a title for this, it's not enough. I usually think out most of the story, and doing that helps me think of a title. What genre is it? That would help with a lot of things.

 

Before he reached his apartment, you gave too much information about the place and the character. Why not give more information as he gets home, like why he was out in the first place? Add more dialogues, start a bit earlier, like where he was before entering his car. While you were there, you could write what his name is by someone at his job calling out to him. That would lead you to write what his job is, and where that was.

 

I'm not really good at giving advice about writing, people have their own styles. Describe things in a way that people would start thinking and asking more questions, like why was he looking at his surroundings.

 

 

Most of the things I was about to say is nearly the same as what CandidKid wrote before he/she posted, so I'll stop at that.

 

Basically, leave out some details at the start, eventually giving the information once the readers are safely in at about 3-5 paragraphs.

[Sunny Fox 5,950]

For the record, I'm a he...

[Aureity 3,055]

A title definitely isn't something that can be found just by reading the first chapter...you'll have to give us more than that if you want a good one.

[Sepia-chan 495]

Thanks for the constructive criticism, everypony.

I'm currently working on my second draft, using advice you guys gave me.