tale of a shadow

[undiscorded 120]

Hi this is my first fan fic there my be a few spelling mistakes I would like your opinion on it please part to will be posted soon

 

 

 

 

Tale of a shadow part 1

 

In my life time I’ve seen many things pony coming and going . Many different act’s of kindness and harmony, but I’ve sat in the shadows and lurked for to long, for as I write my tale you shall understand more about me. I’ve been in the shadows from the start I watched pony’s from all equestria unite in friendship . I have suffered this for to long ever since I was banish by Star swirl and cast to the shadows. I have watched in agony plotting my revenge, my journey is not a short one, but we all have a story to tell.

At the beginning I was a fole like everypony else. I was an out cast due to my appearance but Star swirl saw a flare in me and he got me into magic school. I was maimed and bullied by others but I bottled it up and swore revenge on everypony who ever teased me. I started spiralling into the dark arts trotting into magic I was feared. When I was strong I started hearing thoughts of an evil power that I didn’t understand. I embraced it, took notes, and started a diary of the things it was saying. After certain events I fled to the evertree forest were I lived in solitude leading misfortune on those who strayed from the trails, corrupting them into doing my bidding for me. When Star swirl heard of my doings he dispatched to stop me. We duelled, but his power was greater then mine.

I was defeated, cast to the shadows. I still lurk and reappear in foles dreams and cause grief to those who mock my name. Pony’s don’t understand me, my torment, my life. I swore revenge on pony kind and I shall not be underestimated. For now my name shall not be mentioned and I shall continue my tail another day, for now I must go and plot my revenge.

This is also my oc back story

[Fallen Valkyrie 525]

Its solid begining With litle mistake here and there but overall its great

 

Just I would like to point something out

-Star swirl-  is probably an pony name so I think you should put on swirl capital first letter.

Also this is just my oppinion but in this part:

 

 

For now my name shall not be mentioned and I shall continue my tail another day, for now I must go and plot my revenge. This is also my oc back story

If you ask my you dont need this in one fan fic. As one story could go on for +100 pages and thet you dont know protagonist first name. - example: In Kafka book name Process, he did not wrote a protagonist name for a single time.True out the entirety of the book he was just - K.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Primordus

[undiscorded 120]

Its solid begining With litle mistake here and there but overall its great

 

Just I would like to point something out

-Star swirl-  is probably an pony name so I think you should put on swirl capital first letter.

Also this is just my oppinion but in this part:

 

 

 

If you ask my you dont need this in one fan fic. As one story could go on for +100 pages and thet you dont know protagonist first name. - example: In Kafka book name Process, he did not wrote a protagonist name for a single time.True out the entirety of the book he was just - K.

thank you for your opinion on it the protagonist name hasn't been decided yet and its going to be a 3 part tale

Part one is a overview of the storyline

[Fallen Valkyrie 525]

thank you for your opinion on it the protagonist name hasn't been decided yet and its going to be a 3 part tale

Part one is a overview of the storyline

 

Just frst to say this is coming out from some one thet is fan of mistery and plot twists:

-If you ask my you dont need and overview of the storyline.As if readers expect something they wont be on the edge of there sit when you want to make em think what is gona happen next.

But if you want to make like someone is telling a story (Telling you fan fic) you should go something like:

(next part is pulled from my rp,I know it is not good (As I am not a writer),but it could be usefull for some one thet is still writing )

 

 

 

The inn of Dead End.Here is the place that legend of adventurers live,and this is the place where legends are born.The inn was full of all kaind of creature,from snake like creature acrose the changelings to the pony kaind on this cold but suny day.Like evry other day the storys could be heard about all kaind of bright legends from Ryrlock the slayer,all the way to darker onces like Death of bearer of harmony. "I heared they fighted fifty demons!" one stalion started "No no no! You got it all wrong.They fighted five thousend changeling!" the other stalion voice started."Idiots,not a single of you is right.They fighted Demon of Planths and his full army!"mare from acros of inn started.And as this three started arguing at one darker table one Unicorn with Broken horn,and cape acros her back drikend cider and smiled at thes "No...hehehe....you all got it wrong,what they fighted was something that name of was lost in time,on purpose.His name was onli know by Celestia....and not by her own will." Mare started walking to table in midle of inn.She got to the table and got in light,and with it all could see her orange mane."But if you whant to hear full story,il need to start from begining,it was beautiful dawn over 86 years ago,as this legend began.........

 

 

[undiscorded 120]

Just frst to say this is coming out from some one thet is fan of mistery and plot twists:

-If you ask my you dont need and overview of the storyline.As if readers expect something they wont be on the edge of there sit when you want to make em think what is gona happen next.

But if you want to make like someone is telling a story (Telling you fan fic) you should go something like:

(next part is pulled from my rp,I know it is not good (As I am not a writer),but it could be usefull for some one thet is still writing )

 

 

 

I like your writing stile I'm slowly but surely working on my methods of writing but I will keep what you said in mind for future references

My next fin fic will be better