critique wanted ASK ME ABOUT MY OC

[Malinter 3,064]

"power over them" is still influence over them so its still more or less the same as "being able to move them".

 

You need to discard that power, forget space entirely. You need to find something on Equestria to determine this alicorn's magic. It cannot be the Sun/Moon/Day/Night or Time or anything related to the EoH OR The Crystal Heart....

 

Do this and then you'll be on track to making a believable alicorn OC... 

[Batchaction 9]

"power over them" is still influence over them so its still more or less the same as "being able to move them".

 

You need to discard that power, forget space entirely. You need to find something on Equestria to determine this alicorn's magic. It cannot be the Sun/Moon/Day/Night or Time or anything related to the EoH OR The Crystal Heart....

 

Do this and then you'll be on track to making a believable alicorn OC... 

 

well i don't need you to dictate my OC as such but i'll accept it and say power doesn't necessarily mean move and ive got many idea's were to go from there but i only ask for a critique so i can maybe realize which direction i should go...

Edited December 26, 2015 by Batchaction

[Malinter 3,064]

the things a mentioned are the big "no-nos" of MLP which are basically

 

• making any OC that can match Celestia, Luna, Cadence in power
• use the EoH/Crystal Heart or be immune to them
• somehow be better at magic than starswirl and dick about with time magic.

 

That's why I pointed these out

[Batchaction 9]

the things a mentioned are the big "no-nos" of MLP which are basically

 

• making any OC that can match Celestia, Luna, Cadence in power
  
• use the EoH/Crystal Heart or be immune to them
  
• somehow be better at magic than starswirl and dick about with time magic.
  

 

That's why I pointed these out

 

well i try to live beyond that sort of thing so ill create whatever i fell is creative and true....not to say i wont follow the cannon...

[Memory Lane 131]

Come on... there's no way your serious about this character, dude.  Some random Alicorn with control over every star in the observable universe? How? What does that even mean? Is he supposed to be a god or something?

[Batchaction 9]

Come on... there's no way your serious about this character, dude.  Some random Alicorn with control over every star in the observable universe? How? What does that even mean? Is he supposed to be a god or something?

 

Well i never said i was a god just an alicorn and if you could all read the first post made i said i was originally a pegasus and guess what... my oc is an alicorn I found an amulet of the sun with magical power and now .... you can only imagine...

Edited December 26, 2015 by Batchaction

[Memory Lane 131]

Well i never said i was a god just an alicorn and if you could all read the first post made i said i was originally a pegasus and guess what... my oc is an alicorn I found an amulet of the sun with magical power and now .... you can only imagine...

 

 

Alright... if I understand this character correctly, his backstory is roughly as follows:

 

James HemmeHoof was once a Pegasus archaeologist who discovered this ancient "Amulet of the Stars", which presumably upon equipping, transformed him into an Alicorn and bestowed him with dominion over nearly every star in the universe.

 

After his ascension, he had a confrontation with Nightmare Moon disputing who would control the night... for some reason.

 

Is this everything of note? Or did I miss something?

[Batchaction 9]

Alright... if I understand this character correctly, his backstory is roughly as follows:

 

James HemmeHoof was once a Pegasus archaeologist who discovered this ancient "Amulet of the Stars", which presumably upon equipping, transformed him into an Alicorn and bestowed him with dominion over nearly every star in the universe.

 

After his ascension, he had a confrontation with Nightmare Moon disputing who would control the night... for some reason.

 

Is this everything of note? Or did I miss something?

 

Thank you first serious comment I've gotten... you got everything right except I'm not an archaeologist i was just with one on an expedition... and not domination but power from the stars...

Edited December 26, 2015 by Batchaction

[Memory Lane 131]

Thank you first serious comment I've gotten... you got everything right except I'm not an archaeologist i was just with one on an expedition... and not domination but power from the stars...

 

I see. So this Star Amulet is powered by Solar Energy. Then... why the Alicorn thing? Why would he be transformed? What would happen if a non pony equipped it?

 

Also, you know you can quote or mention, right?

[El Duderino 879]

Well i feel his powers are very balanced...because he controls power from the stars but started out as a pegasus....

Having him start out as weak doesn't make him balanced. *sigh* Ok. Example time: Darth Vader is not overpowered. This is not because he was once a little boy, but because he had limitations and weaknesses, despite his power.

Also, you need to clarify for everyone EXACTLY what you mean by his "controlling power over all known suns" powers, because when you just leave it at that, it opens a whole f*** ton of possibilities that make him totally overpowered.

To balance his powers, you need to give him limitations or a weakness. 

 

You seem suborn that your OC is good, but EVERYONE says it is overpowered.

I don't think your OC is that bad, but it needs to be improved and certain elements need to be re-thought. I am trying to help.

 

I will say this one more time. Unless your OC is a god (If it is, then just say it is. Honestly, making a god OC is better than making a non-god with god-like powers and insisting they are not OP), you need to balance its powers. Give him limitations or weaknesses.

 

You asked us to ask you questions about your OC, and I want to know EXACTLY what makes him not overpowered, like you keep insisting.

Edited December 26, 2015 by McDude

[Valynne 2,680]

Well if you want a critique maybe am not a good example but i'll do my best

 

First of all it is good that you join the comunity and make your own OC that is nice and allows you to have an avatar of this crazy world, now let me tell you something: we have these called Over Powered OC and i know most bronies doesn't like them  because they are always in God Mode, they can never die or get beat (or contrary if you are a drama queen) and always claim to have super powers always beyond Celestia, you wanna know what's wrong about them? They are boring, because you expect always what's gonna happen or what would be your reaction, since you are new here maybe you know what RP is, if not i'll explain you pronto:

Basically is a written story where you incarnate a non existing character and you reactions and answers may affect the progress of such story, is sorta like The Sims but written, and if you have an OP is like haveing cheats for the Sims for yourself, okay it may be fun to win sometimes but it gets boring not only to the users but also for yourself, you may think am wrong but it's a matter of time when you realize that. Of Course you may not like RP or incarnate yourself in the pony (which is even more confusing because then you are creating a character for no reason) but the fact that you don't like RP the pony gets points up, it's just that OCs also have limits and the fact he can't control Celetia's sun is not a weakness, it is almost a excuse to say that your OC is not THAT powerful which sounds like no imagination on the excuse.

 

This make me think. how would it be if 2 overpowerful ponies begin to fight? who may win? of course you can say your character have like 10.000.000 points of combat, but not just me but all aroung you are gonna create OC who only needs an extra zero on the points to surpass you, that is the problem with Over Powered OCs, you never gonna won over them and that repels people interested in your OC .

 

Wow this is the trick part! let's move on your OC, judging by his glasses, his short mane and beard and the color of it, i can bet it was made based on your appereance (at least you think that this design is attractive to an alicorn i don't know) and is normal that you want to be that powerful as your OC, and i wouldn't doubt that James is in fact your name, i see that what you want is to have a powerful side on this character, but hey! that is normal and is not always wrong who doesn't want to be powerful? let's move now with his appereance.

As we mentioned it has the features of a person that could be you (name included) or someone you must appreciate, besides those obvious features let me analize them each part of the rest:

- Alicorn, considered Overpowered by default, even if they don0t have a magic or cant's fly the alicorns tend to fall in those stereotypes, theres very few alicorns who are actually good but in the moment you give a high power that is making your OC fall in that category which is very low.

 

- the Cutie Mark, i see your Cutie Mark is recycled from other symbols like the Yin Yang and the brofist it is a mess in my opinion because if you are gonna exhibit the yin yang mark you shouldn't add something else like a fist, because the yin yang gets ruined and far away from being a good mix, it ruines the image of the fina and the yin yang  also, the shades outside the Cutie Mark are part of the cutie Mark itself? then we are watching the biggest Cutie Mark ever, and that is another fail in my humble opinion because it breaks the rules of pony creation, all Cutie Marks must be small enough to be a symbol and not a big draw on the flanks, it is something symbolic and nothing else, also do you know why Cutie Mark are called Cutie? because they have to be something with nice appereance, and friendly look, even Nightmare Moon had a nice moon Cutie Mark because she represents the night and the moon, i've seen lots's OCs who have bloody knives, or pisotls or religious pictures when they have to be something related in MLP universe, people claim to love MLP without changes and when they do the OCs they do everithing that doesn't belong to the show.

 

- Dark Colour. Yup at least you are a changeling or NNM ponies shoulnd't be dark gray or even pitch black, You know why MLP is succesful with the audience? well part of it's sucess are the colors of the ponies, a colored pegasus or unicorn with nice colors tend to bring attention of the crowd because colors are known to be attractive, even white is attractive like Rarity and Celestia you can light the color up like Maud and change the mane to something more strong to make a good mix

 

- the Jewel of the chest. No Comments.

 

- the concept art, what software did you use? MS paint? Paint Tool Sai? i will not going deeper with that point since art is subjetive, but something tells me you did this in a rush or not worring in add detail and make it look decent, a pro tip is that quick art is almost never welcome not only in this comunity but everywhere, we are talking about your character's first impression, there are OCs who are cute and pretty because that is the impression they left to people and tend to be nice to talk to them and ask questions, you can even try to use Pony Creator which is on DeviantArt (but between us even that game is becoming boring and plastic) it is okay is you feel proud of your work and i will not jugde that but try to add more effort because it realy needs it 

 

- Finally the Story. well.. acording to your information He had an confrontation with Nightmare Moon about who will control the night, well that place always belonged to Luna even before the Nightmare Moon era, so the character confronted her and he is planning to take over her natural job for no reason, you can be a little specific and add details, from what im watching the alicorn just came from nowhere to steal Nightmare's moon job and reason to live for no reason.

He controles all suns in the universe but not Celestia... well do you realize how big is the universe? and what is the reason he have that power? you may say it now but that doesn't help because we have to ask you things so you come up with somethign to justify that huge power, even if you add it on the backstory is too much and any other person can say the same but adding more powers, people forgets that an OC doesn't count for his/her power but for their uniqueness and features close to the show. there are tons of things i can say about his ridiculously giant power over the stars of the universe but let's keep it with a fail.

now the rest.. well i don't know what video game you took that part but is kinda classic the teleportation to a safe planet blah blah blah, try to be more original, you need to mention at least a weakness that at least justifies his OP abilities that way MAYBE the alicorn would have points up, remember that the more weaknesses and strenghts are balanced the more interesting they become

you can even say that a character has no powers, no talents and very weak but if you add a spirit of a hard will and good inteligence you can get a good OC.

 

 

I don't think i need to add more stuff tho this critique, you or the rest may not consider it but i just put my points to the table and you are free to correct me or justify them, give yourself the time to read each part since this is what you asked in the begining, because if you think amd wrong but you didn't really read my points then your statements are automatically wrong, take my advise and try to change a few things of your OC okay? peace.

 

[Gestum 2,493]

If he don't move the stars then how does he control them?

[Izanagi 176]

ok, sir or madam. I am going to come out and say it. this oc isn't..Good. the design is ok, but the name is a bit..silly, "James" is such a very..earthy name, now i wont sit on that because i have an oc named Vladicarus, which in it's self is stupid. 

But another thing is that you did say that he had the power over the stars, ones that Tia didn't control. Although at that point you're saying he can move the stars.  because whats the point of having a power over them, and yet it does Nothing? 

And also, why an alicorn? That is the biggest no-no. it's ok if you like that race, but alicorns are the beings that  are

A: Born that way

B: A magical thing happens

I doubt an amulete could do that. make him a stronger unicorn? yes. that could happen (As shown by the alicorn amulate) 

Also, he is not balanced. him having been born as a pegasi doesn't do anything. As he is now an alicorn. you know, the rare race that have only four confirmed alicorns.


And the way you've been saying "I have been ____" for your oc. this isn't an oc, this seems more like a ponysona, something YOU want to be. the two things are very different.


and also you also said "only serious comment i got" Dont flatter yourself, every one of these comments are serious, and with out lack of a better word, you're being an idiot that wont see the REAL critique people have been giving you. I don't enjoy calling you an idiot, ut you asked for critique, but once people gave you some bad things about your oc, you got defensive and ignored them. If i get in trouble for this, i don't care. but next time, don't sit there and HOPE for someone to actually like an oc that seems to have the work of a Banana riding toast on a snail.


Thank you ~ Vladicarus.

[Batchaction 9]

I see. So this Star Amulet is powered by Solar Energy. Then... why the Alicorn thing? Why would he be transformed? What would happen if a non pony equipped it?

 

Also, you know you can quote or mention, right

 

You got it... transformed because of all the magic energy and pegasus can't use magic due to the lack of horn... if a normal pony put it on i suppose the would become a unicorn....

Having him start out as weak doesn't make him balanced. *sigh* Ok. Example time: Darth Vader is not overpowered. This is not because he was once a little boy, but because he had limitations and weaknesses, despite his power.

Also, you need to clarify for everyone EXACTLY what you mean by his "controlling power over all known suns" powers, because when you just leave it at that, it opens a whole f*** ton of possibilities that make him totally overpowered.

To balance his powers, you need to give him limitations or a weakness. 

 

You seem suborn that your OC is good, but EVERYONE says it is overpowered.

I don't think your OC is that bad, but it needs to be improved and certain elements need to be re-thought. I am trying to help.

 

I will say this one more time. Unless your OC is a god (If it is, then just say it is. Honestly, making a god OC is better than making a non-god with god-like powers and insisting they are not OP), you need to balance its powers. Give him limitations or weaknesses.

 

You asked us to ask you questions about your OC, and I want to know EXACTLY what makes him not overpowered, like you keep insisting.

 

 hes not overpowered because he gets his power from the amulet... if its taken off or destroyed....and when i say power over the stars the limitation is that i get and take magical energy from them but cant move or manipulate them...

[Izanagi 176]

You got it... transformed because of all the magic energy and pegasus can't use magic due to the lack of horn... if a normal pony put it on i suppose the would become a unicorn....

also, why all the "...." ? .3. makes it seem ike you're making a depressing message.

[Batchaction 9]

 

Well if you want a critique maybe am not a good example but i'll do my best

 

First of all it is good that you join the comunity and make your own OC that is nice and allows you to have an avatar of this crazy world, now let me tell you something: we have these called Over Powered OC and i know most bronies doesn't like them  because they are always in God Mode, they can never die or get beat (or contrary if you are a drama queen) and always claim to have super powers always beyond Celestia, you wanna know what's wrong about them? They are boring, because you expect always what's gonna happen or what would be your reaction, since you are new here maybe you know what RP is, if not i'll explain you pronto:

Basically is a written story where you incarnate a non existing character and you reactions and answers may affect the progress of such story, is sorta like The Sims but written, and if you have an OP is like haveing cheats for the Sims for yourself, okay it may be fun to win sometimes but it gets boring not only to the users but also for yourself, you may think am wrong but it's a matter of time when you realize that. Of Course you may not like RP or incarnate yourself in the pony (which is even more confusing because then you are creating a character for no reason) but the fact that you don't like RP the pony gets points up, it's just that OCs also have limits and the fact he can't control Celetia's sun is not a weakness, it is almost a excuse to say that your OC is not THAT powerful which sounds like no imagination on the excuse.

 

This make me think. how would it be if 2 overpowerful ponies begin to fight? who may win? of course you can say your character have like 10.000.000 points of combat, but not just me but all aroung you are gonna create OC who only needs an extra zero on the points to surpass you, that is the problem with Over Powered OCs, you never gonna won over them and that repels people interested in your OC .

 

Wow this is the trick part! let's move on your OC, judging by his glasses, his short mane and beard and the color of it, i can bet it was made based on your appereance (at least you think that this design is attractive to an alicorn i don't know) and is normal that you want to be that powerful as your OC, and i wouldn't doubt that James is in fact your name, i see that what you want is to have a powerful side on this character, but hey! that is normal and is not always wrong who doesn't want to be powerful? let's move now with his appereance.

As we mentioned it has the features of a person that could be you (name included) or someone you must appreciate, besides those obvious features let me analize them each part of the rest:

- Alicorn, considered Overpowered by default, even if they don0t have a magic or cant's fly the alicorns tend to fall in those stereotypes, theres very few alicorns who are actually good but in the moment you give a high power that is making your OC fall in that category which is very low.

 

- the Cutie Mark, i see your Cutie Mark is recycled from other symbols like the Yin Yang and the brofist it is a mess in my opinion because if you are gonna exhibit the yin yang mark you shouldn't add something else like a fist, because the yin yang gets ruined and far away from being a good mix, it ruines the image of the fina and the yin yang  also, the shades outside the Cutie Mark are part of the cutie Mark itself? then we are watching the biggest Cutie Mark ever, and that is another fail in my humble opinion because it breaks the rules of pony creation, all Cutie Marks must be small enough to be a symbol and not a big draw on the flanks, it is something symbolic and nothing else, also do you know why Cutie Mark are called Cutie? because they have to be something with nice appereance, and friendly look, even Nightmare Moon had a nice moon Cutie Mark because she represents the night and the moon, i've seen lots's OCs who have bloody knives, or pisotls or religious pictures when they have to be something related in MLP universe, people claim to love MLP without changes and when they do the OCs they do everithing that doesn't belong to the show.

 

- Dark Colour. Yup at least you are a changeling or NNM ponies shoulnd't be dark gray or even pitch black, You know why MLP is succesful with the audience? well part of it's sucess are the colors of the ponies, a colored pegasus or unicorn with nice colors tend to bring attention of the crowd because colors are known to be attractive, even white is attractive like Rarity and Celestia you can light the color up like Maud and change the mane to something more strong to make a good mix

 

- the Jewel of the chest. No Comments.

 

- the concept art, what software did you use? MS paint? Paint Tool Sai? i will not going deeper with that point since art is subjetive, but something tells me you did this in a rush or not worring in add detail and make it look decent, a pro tip is that quick art is almost never welcome not only in this comunity but everywhere, we are talking about your character's first impression, there are OCs who are cute and pretty because that is the impression they left to people and tend to be nice to talk to them and ask questions, you can even try to use Pony Creator which is on DeviantArt (but between us even that game is becoming boring and plastic) it is okay is you feel proud of your work and i will not jugde that but try to add more effort because it realy needs it 

 

- Finally the Story. well.. acording to your information He had an confrontation with Nightmare Moon about who will control the night, well that place always belonged to Luna even before the Nightmare Moon era, so the character confronted her and he is planning to take over her natural job for no reason, you can be a little specific and add details, from what im watching the alicorn just came from nowhere to steal Nightmare's moon job and reason to live for no reason.

He controles all suns in the universe but not Celestia... well do you realize how big is the universe? and what is the reason he have that power? you may say it now but that doesn't help because we have to ask you things so you come up with somethign to justify that huge power, even if you add it on the backstory is too much and any other person can say the same but adding more powers, people forgets that an OC doesn't count for his/her power but for their uniqueness and features close to the show. there are tons of things i can say about his ridiculously giant power over the stars of the universe but let's keep it with a fail.

now the rest.. well i don't know what video game you took that part but is kinda classic the teleportation to a safe planet blah blah blah, try to be more original, you need to mention at least a weakness that at least justifies his OP abilities that way MAYBE the alicorn would have points up, remember that the more weaknesses and strenghts are balanced the more interesting they become

you can even say that a character has no powers, no talents and very weak but if you add a spirit of a hard will and good inteligence you can get a good OC.

 

 

I don't think i need to add more stuff tho this critique, you or the rest may not consider it but i just put my points to the table and you are free to correct me or justify them, give yourself the time to read each part since this is what you asked in the begining, because if you think amd wrong but you didn't really read my points then your statements are automatically wrong, take my advise and try to change a few things of your OC okay? peace.

 

 

Nice review , although a little harsh i used Photoshop but do admit that only certain parts got the detail and could use some minor touch ups... as far as the cutie mark goes I understand that its supposed to be small and cute but id like to in corporate it into the story eg: when i put on the amulet of the sun my coat turns black and sunburst pattern forms around my cutie mark...

also, why all the "...." ? .3. makes it seem ike you're making a depressing message.

I'm just a fan of... to break thought while i type lol

[Sunny Fox 5,952]

How much magical power, measured in, say, 1 unit of unicorn magic, does each star give him? 

[Batchaction 9]

How much magical power, measured in, say, 1 unit of unicorn magic, does each star give him? 

 1 unit per star if the star yields any power... if not its like an empty vessel 

[Malinter 3,064]

So basically, a bijillion stars for a bajillion units.... and you gonna say thats not OP, right?

[Batchaction 9]

So basically, a bijillion stars for a bajillion units.... and you gonna say thats not OP, right?

 

well id say so just because i can draw from a source of power doesn't make it OP and the further the star is away the longer it takes for me to harness the energy...

Edited December 26, 2015 by Batchaction

[Malinter 3,064]

but that would take years to recharge you... like seriously. some of the stars we see in the sky are long dead but are visable to us still because it likes the light so long to reach us and i'm talking millions of years here.  And you can't use Celestia's sun.because you have no power over that specific star..

[Batchaction 9]

but that would take years to recharge you... like seriously. some of the stars we see in the sky are long dead but are visable to us still because it likes the light so long to reach us and i'm talking millions of years here.  And you can't use Celestia's sun.because you have no power over that specific star..

 

well the amulet speeds up the time a bit instead of millions of years say decades...and the reason i can control her sun is because she has a link to it...

[Malinter 3,064]

oh great.. you can speed up time with FTL powers now?!

 

(Sweet Merciful Celestia...)

Edited December 26, 2015 by Malinter

[Batchaction 9]

oh great.. you can speed up time with FTL powers now?!

 

(Sweet Merciful Celestia...)

 

i didn't say that i just meant the magical energy travels faster than light...lol

[Swish and Flick 63]

oh great.. you can speed up time with FTL powers now?!

 

(Sweet Merciful Celestia...)

 

Mate, didn't you ever get taught in physics class that magical energy is 10 times faster than the speed of light? Geez