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Critique and Help on my OC


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Hi! I've always wanted to make an OC describing a part of me and a part of what I want to be and a part of my favorite video games.

Meet Blues Leroy! (the name is in progress, I only got that)

The name is because "avoir le blues" (having the blues) mean being melancholy, a little blurry sadness and Leroy because it's my actual last name (pronounce "Le-rooha", it's in french)

5af46ed9af694_OCleroy.thumb.png.58063efd63201c1f1db87d819abea25a.png

She's a survivalist Mecano-Doctor that can only talk with a voice speaker

Description:

Spoiler

Blues is kinda freaky, always alone, but like to be alone, A true survivor, she learned Mechanics and Medicines skills for her, but extend it for helping others.

She's almost the Hitpony/Guard that everyone want to hire. She use her magic on her movement and damage increase.

-She's not very social, even asking a question on something is a challenge for her. She can't lie, and that's more a problem, she'll tell you immediately if you're an a...ole. While she can control it sometimes, you can see if she's lying.

-She can't refuse stuff from her friends by fear to be rejected.

-She's easily distracted by animals and she will freak out for a couple of seconds when situation don't goes as intended until she calculate probabilities.

-She will avoid any contact to dragons due to her fire phobia (does not affect her if she's in a battle of any sort).

Here's the backstory:

Spoiler

She's born near Vanhoover, in a french family. Good in math and English, her father want to test her math skill in a math event, but finish 6th. He was not disappointed and bring her to a casino, and she get almost every bet and that's how she got her cutie mark describing her skill in probabilities.

She was kinda sad about it (all the "I really must stay in that specific job?" crisis, in her case, only math, probabilities and casino), and goes to the army at 13 years old. In 4 years, they saw her potential and let her in the real military, then the royal guard as a soldier, then put on a special force with 4 other young talented ponies, called the Talented 5. While she work and trained with them, she received weird letters from a gang, the "MoneyCheck" gang. But she ignore it.

A letter, however, intrigues Blues, telling her the next mission is a trap, by an another gang to stop the Talented 5, in the mission, she saw some explosives and discover one of the Talented 5 is a traitor and work for "The Organization", she ran away before the trap is activated, abandoning her allies, she has been caught and threw at a cliff and presumed dead.

But, she survived, without a voice anymore, heal herself and quickly go to her house, at Vanhoover, but her house has been burned down, no trace of her parents, though. So, she promise to take down The Organization, and by that, she accepted to be in the MoneyCheck gang and wait 2 years in the nature to train ever more and keeping low profile.

2 years later, She moved to Manehattan to take down the smaller gangs in the city by herself, then with the help of the MC, she build her trusty voice speaker.

Blues moved to Ponyville to not get attacked by the other gangs and that's how she got here. her goals is to see if her parents are really dead, or kidnapped, and to destroy every gang.

_______________________________

The MoneyCheck (MC) gang is a gang set to destroy other gangs and get rich. The master is called "Ceveau (QeVo)" and rumors says he was an old military commander. All of the members are unknown, even by themselves, they're always wear masks, so, if one of them is caught, he can't speak about the other members.

In the battle

Spoiler

Blues attack physically and use her magic to protect others, sliding (similar to sliding in any Source game), heal and other moves to escape.

If you fight her, be aware there's 3 "perks" : Dodge only, Effects and tank medic. She can change perks fast, but she'll use a lot of magic to do so, change your playstyle quicker than she does.

Dodge : She'll move and react faster. Don't engage a close combat, use electricity to defeat her.

Effects : She can create smokes, flashes, explosions to stun and flames (all are similar to grenades) to attack you from anywhere and escape without any risk. She's still dodging attacks. Use magic abilities, explosions or be in a group to counter her, she can't attack multiple target in this perk.

Tank Medic: her attacks are weak, yet, she's here to defend and heal every teammates all around and boost morals. Every attacks deal the same damage to her, use weak but fast attacks to take her down faster.

 

So here's the thing I want to know.

1. How the voice speaker will work?

I got 3 ideas on this one, but I don't know which one to choose: The robot speaker (speak like a normal pony, just with robot sound (Like SweetieBot)), the documentary speaker (dialogue taken from documentaries and put together to form a sentence (Like Jacket in PAYDAY 2)) or the "Word-by-Word" speaker (just like the name implies)

2. how's the backstory?

I want to improve it, but, how is it right now? I haven't touch on the voice speaker and why she got it in the first place. I tried, is it good?

I want a short but good backstory.

3. How's the model?

I think it's rather good, but I want your opinion on this one.

4. The name?

I got no idea how to name it, only the Blues stand out, but the Leroy is the problem, should I remove it? And change it or just call her Blues?

EDIT 5. How's the combat?

I want to keep it balanced... and I think it's finished, but, what I add?

If you got question or more opinions, feel free to put them!

Edited by Salty French Unicorn
Update of the MoneyCheck infos
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The description is well balanced? The backstory is quite complicated? The model is great! Idk anything about voice speaker. The name... Maybe change it to Le-rooha Blues, because I felt like the word Blues sounds like a last name

I'm still learning about OCs too so I'm not sure.

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1 hour ago, Salty French Unicorn said:

I got no idea how to name it, only the Blues stand out, but the Leroy is the problem, should I remove it? And change it or just call her Blues?

I think the issue with Leroy is that it doesn't really seem to match the style of MLP names, which are usually made up of adjectives, nouns and verbs. Blues fits in nicely though.

Glancing at your username, the idea of Saline Blues, or possibly Saline Blue, could work - although I don't know how well that fits in with their personality. The statistician in me loves the idea of Binomial Blues, which kind of fits with their backstory. 

1 hour ago, Salty French Unicorn said:

1. How the voice speaker will work?

I suppose the question is 'What does having a voice speaker mean for the character?' Why do they have it, does it have a meaningful impact on their life and is it necessary?

Moving on to the technical side, Equestria strikes me as the kind of place that would have a magical solution to that sort of thing - so a spell of voice amplification / vocalisation rather than a technological solution. Obviously if the OC is intended for another setting then a piece of tech bolted to their throat might be more fitting (Shadowrun springs to mind.) 

1 hour ago, Salty French Unicorn said:

2. how's the backstory?

Am I correct in reading the final section as 'they joined the Royal Guard, but after the apparent deaths of their parents they went AWOL and are now a crime-fighting vigilante'? A little editing would be good, but for the most part it works.

One question relating to it is what are the consequences of them leaving their post to look for their parents / fight crime? Compassionate leave would be granted under those circumstances, but from the way it's written it looks like that wasn't what happened. As they were in training, they would most likely just be booted off the course with little in the way of further consequences, but if they had passed that and were posted somewhere then they could be facing very severe consequences. 

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@Once In A Blue Moon The backstory is rushed because I wanted to be as short as possible.

An another thing I want, Blues have an accident (still in progress) and can't speak, with the help of a technician and her skill in mechanics, she got a voice speaker but the question is "How will be his mode of work?"

Jacket style in PAYDAY 2 (The documentary one):

Spoiler

 

Or in Sweetie Bot style:

Spoiler

 

 

Edited by Salty French Unicorn
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7 minutes ago, Salty French Unicorn said:

Thanks! and yeah, I use 3D ponies because I can't draw and I've put a lot of effort on the model.

You can always try to redraw the 3D one in Ms. Paint and colour it in other program. It feels great to see a thing I have made by myself, like my profile picture.

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