writing so I wrote a poem for the first time ever...

[CamRad18 337]

so I wrote a poem...which I've never done before. I struggle with depression and I just sort of wrote this at random. I know its not amazing but is it at least average?

 

 

It waits

 

sitting at the corners of the mind

always present

never tangible

 

It hunts

 

looking for weakness

a break in concentration

a gap between events

 

It attacks

 

a razor blade its weapon

isolation its strategy

pain its goal

 

It retreats

 

not in fear but in triumph

loathing in its wake

a promise to come back

Edited January 12, 2013 by CamRad18

[Ferret Girl 2,642]

Wow, for your first, this is exceptional. It has simple elegance and a strong clear meaning. Even the flow was decent, or at least from the way i Read it.

 

You should write some more

[Lost 1,410]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I suck at poems

But you dont...

 

 

 

That totally rhymes i swear

 

 

 

 

 

Good poem, especially for your first one, short but powerful imo.

[CamRad18 337]

Wow, for your first, this is exceptional. It has simple elegance and a strong clear meaning. Even the flow was decent, or at least from the way i Read it. You should write some more

Thanks for the compliments. I'm definitely going to keep writing but I was wondering if you had any ideas on how i could improve. Criticisms, tips, etc.

[BeatrixBow 119]

I guess you could....erm....I don't know! That was beautiful though. Really good for your first try. I've seen much worse. But those people weren't trying anyway.  -_- Great job though!  

[Harmonic Revelations 8,836]

Good start, one positive thing about your writing style is that you definately seem to make good use of your vocabulary, which is a great thing. It was a pretty good poem for a first, so keep it up!

Thanks for the compliments. I'm definitely going to keep writing but I was wondering if you had any ideas on how i could improve. Criticisms, tips, etc.

If you're looking for tips/criticisms I have a few general improvements you can make. But these suggestions don't have to be taken if that's not your writing style.

 

-Maybe make a smoother transition between lines

 

-Perhaps make the number of words in each line more consistent

 

These are just general tips, you don't have to take them, as they're not important.