Could anyone critique this Fanfic for me?

[PoniesPlease 365]

Hey, could any of you guys critique the first chapter of this Fanfic for me? Would be much appreciated. And please, don't hold back. If it's Stephanie Meyer-esque I'll just burn it right her on the spot.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8775337/1/The-rise-of-Nightmare-Moon

[Flicker 141]

I'l give it a go later tonight. My name on ff.net is Kai the Brony. I honestly don't know what Stephany Meyers writes like, but I hate vampires (or at least sparkly romantic ones).

[Appleja©k 31]

Could you put it on google docs? fimfiction is blocked on my net   , so I would be happy to read it, but It would have to be on google docs.

[PoniesPlease 365]

I'l give it a go later tonight. My name on ff.net is Kai the Brony. I honestly don't know what Stephany Meyers writes like, but I hate vampires (or at least sparkly romantic ones).

 

Okay cool, I've never read Twilight, and never expect to. The only time I want to see the words 'Twilight' and 'Sparkle' next to each other is, well, Twilight Sparkle.

Could you put it on google docs? fimfiction is blocked on my net   , so I would be happy to read it, but It would have to be on google docs.

I'm not sure how. Care to explain? 

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Hey, could any of you guys critique the first chapter of this Fanfic for me? Would be much appreciated. And please, don't hold back. If it's Stephanie Meyer-esque I'll just burn it right her on the spot.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8775337/1/The-rise-of-Nightmare-Moon

That bold part concern me.

Challenge rejected. Sometimes it's hard to be obvious without looking rude.

 

Let me guess, is it also your first fanfic? Well, the only thing I need to mention is that "The art of writing is to bring the reader to our world and serve them the story". Every writer must understand this. The art is not to chat with them or dictate them about what happened. The art is to spit out our mind, our feeling, our story, to the reader in a form of ink on a paper, and it will bring the reader to the world of the story by itself. Once they come to the world, they can see the scenes, meet the characters, feel the feeling, the dilemma, the tragedy, everything about the story. As for other tips in writing, you can check my thread here.

 

http://mlpforums.com/topic/43854-need-a-friendly-proof-reader-want-some-writing-tips-or-want-to-share-yours/

 

I've explained many things there, and I guess you will be interested to read it, if you really are eager to learn how to write like a pro.

 

Ah yes. I don't like those sparkling vampires. Too much nude thingy. I once watched about half of the movie and didn't get anything other than 'how it's important to have a boyfriend'. Romance is fine, but not that, uhm, well, you know.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Sky Warden

[Appleja©k 31]

Okay cool, I've never read Twilight, and never expect to. The only time I want to see the words 'Twilight' and 'Sparkle' next to each other is, well, Twilight Sparkle.

I'm not sure how. Care to explain? 

Well all you need is to search and go on Google Docs. You make a new account, and then you go to docs and drive. You click new document, and copy and paste the story in there. Then you go to share up on the top right corner. Change it to public on the web.