Going Meatetarian

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

Life got you down? Getting pushed around? Want more meat on your bones? Try becoming a...

 

MEATETARIAN!

 

What is a Meatetarian you ask? It's like a carnivore, but it sounds MORE BADASS! Why not just say carnivore? Because it has "car" in it and we eat meat, not cars!

 

Plants give us oxygen and food for our delicious meat. Do you want the death of a plant on your conscience after every meal, memories of you eating dismembered-yet-still-alive living things, gnashing their bodies in your teeth while you simply call it "salad" on your mind? No! You don't unless you're a psychopath! So listen up and become a Meatetarian today. Some benefits of being a Meatetarian...

 

1: Rabbits are wussy. Rabbits eat vegetables. Tyrannosauruses are badass. Tyrannosauruses eat meat. Which would you rather be like, a rabbit, or a tyrannosaurus?

 

2: As a meatetarian, you might be able to demand a restaurant to give you extra meat instead of vegetables because eating vegetables is against your beliefs and serving you vegetables would offend you.

 

3: Those hipsters you hate so much? They eat vegetables.

 

4: Ever see a vegetarian muscleman?

 

5: Plants get their nutrients from poop and rotting stuff. Do you want to (indirectly) eat poop and rotting stuff?

 

6: PETA members are vegans.

 

7: Bacon is meat.

 

8: After being a Meatetarian for a while, you will possibly be the heaviest person in the neighborhood. Which means you can kick sand in the faces of nerds at the beach.

 

As a general rule, a Meatetarian eats like a Tyrannosaurus does. A tyrannosaurus eats meat. A Meatetarian eats meat. A tyrannosaurus occasionally eats vegetables in the stomach of its prey. A Meatetarian occasionally eats vegetables and plant products in such forms as buns, peanuts, and the occasional splinter from a corn dog's stick.

 

What's that you say? If you eat mostly meat, you'll die young? True, true. But so many people say the world sucks now due to government, shitty music and shitty TV shows. So why prolong your existence, especially if it means eating vegetables?

 

More and more studies are showing that the obesity rate is going up in this day and age. Why be left behind in the stylish obesity trend?

 

So become a Meatetarian today! Impress your friends! Make Ingrid Newkirk cry! Slowly chew a raw piece of steak and stare at a PETA protester as blood dribbles down your face.

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: This is a joke.

Edited May 2, 2013 by Chainsaw Bouffant

[Doctor Shuu 797]

*Is me reading :3*

 

*Sees hipster part*

 

*Was all like FUUUUU*

 

*Saw disclaimer*

 

*Was all like *

 

And wait... Isn't every member of the People Eating Tasty Animals meatetarian?

Edited May 2, 2013 by Frozen Lasagna Thief

[Silverhoof 2,839]

I would still eat bacon even in Equestria.  Meatarians rule!

[Darrala 269]

I'm okay with this.

 

Posting meatetarian's salad.

 

[FaZe Vinyl 521]

Good post, I agree.

[Mephala 2,633]

omogosh im a vegitereaan and im zo insalted bi thiz

get a lif luzer

 

(Also get your facts straight. PETA members are mostly vegan. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.)

Edited May 2, 2013 by Morrigan Aensland

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

omogosh im a vegitereaan and im zo insalted bi thiz

get a lif luzer

 

(Also get your facts straight. PETA members are mostly vegan. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.)

 

Thanks for correcting me. I know there's a difference but I accidentally typed "Vegetarian" instead of "Vegan".

 

So, I'm sure some of you may have been given grief for joining the Meatetarianism Movement, and with that, I announce the first weekly Meatetarian Support Group. Don't worry, there will be corn dogs, steaks and whole shanks of ham for your enjoyment.

[The Soldier 2,043]

It seems that this reason of why you should go meatetarian will help you economically, good people

 

[Gay Bird 420]

dispite the disclaimer, I'd still do this.

[Silverhoof 2,839]

I have eaten a variety of animals including cute little bunnies.

 

I pose a question to fellow meatarians, How many animals died for you meals today?

That is 3 meals, + snacks, This question was first posed by PETA, and my friends and I have been laughing ever since. Peta counts eggs, honey, and milk/cheese as a dead animal, because they come from...enslaved animals. (The drama!)

 

I've not eaten breakfast yet...but I will be back with the deadly total. The casualty count will be broken down meal by meal.

Breakfast: bacon and eggs. 2 (eggs count cause they be from enslaved chickens)

Lunch: fish, mac and cheese. 2 (cheese from enslaved cows)

Dinner: Spaghetti with meatballs. 1 cow

 

Silverhoof's toll upon the animal kingdom this day: 5 animals dead or enslaved for my dining pleasure.

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

:/ I feel like I've done wrong and broken my ethical code. I ate a salad today. I feel violated because the person who served it to me infringed on my rights as a Meatetarian. :/

 

In other news, a pig died for my dinner.

[Sweet Dreams 1,893]

Yush. I am a meatetarian.

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

So, how is everything going for all the Meatetarians? Have you mastered using your Meatetarian Mantra? Have you had any conflicts with the Vegetable-indoctrinated?

 

Now, for all you Meatetarians, I have an ethical question for you.

 

Is honey Meatetarian-safe? It isn't produced by an animal Meatetarians tend to eat, but it follows the Meatetarian Ethical Code because it's something produced by animals, and Vegans won't eat it.

 

On the same note, are honey meat products such as honey ham Meatetarian-safe?

[I used to be a stranger 7,989]

Honey is made from nectar from plants, but Vegans won't eat it because harvesting it deprives bees of food for their young.

 

Obviously anything that takes the life of a living thing is a praxis of being equivalent to meat.

 

Therefore, Honey is meat.

Edited July 16, 2013 by Blue

[Silverhoof 2,839]

The Honey we get comes from enslaved/oppressed bees. That's just as good as killing an animal because they hate working for the man. and we don't even pay them! Bwa Ha Ha Ha!

(you should see the teeny tiny whips I have! Bees be hating it. Bees better Beehave in the Beehive.)

 

Go for it!

Edited July 16, 2013 by Silverhoof

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

So, honey ham is 2x more Meatetarian safe than regular ham. That's good to know. If only there was a way to know the pig was flayed, burned and whipped to Meatetarian standards. I really wish there was better regulation for Meatetarian safety. :/

[Silverhoof 2,839]

I heard that July 30th was National Cheesecake day. Just so you know the milk and cheese come from enslaved cows with no retirement plan,,,they stop producing and its the butcher shop for sure. These "contented cows" live knowing their ultimate fate.

 

so understanding there are other -impure- ingredients in a cheese cake, if you find yourself eating one, know this: You are once again establishing man's place at the top of the food chain. All other creatures shall bow before our magnificent consumption.

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

Ah, yes. The milk of exploited cows. It's the reason cheeseburgers are one of the staples of a healthy Meatetarian diet.

 

I have a problem. There are times when, you're going to have to eat some plant matter. Such as stir fry, and soup such as vegetable beef soup and potato soup. The question is, when is this not okay? How can one easily tell when their morality is being compromised by eating too many vegetables?

 

Also, I propose a new rule on vegetables. Under the circumstance of you eating the vegetable preventing a hungry animal from eating that vegetable, the vegetable is deemed safe for Meatetarians.

[Evilshy 5,089]

 

 

Also, a few months ago, I made such an awesome sandwich that I took a picture of it:

 

It has AT LEAST 2 layers each of turkey, ham, bacon, cheddar, swiss, and fried egg, all on deli bread. It was fucking amazing.

Edited July 19, 2013 by Evilshy

[Soundgarden 2,757]

What about drinks/fluids? I assume I'm only allowed to drink blood

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

 

 

Also, a few months ago, I made such an awesome sandwich that I took a picture of it:

 

It has AT LEAST 2 layers each of turkey, ham, bacon, cheddar, swiss, and fried egg, all on deli bread. It was fucking amazing.

 

Good to see you subscribe to the superior Meatetarian ethics.

 

 

What about drinks/fluids? I assume I'm only allowed to drink blood

 

You can if you want to, I guess. Milk is also Meatetarian-safe because it comes from exploited cows and goats.

[Silverhoof 2,839]

Red wine goes with many meatarian dishes. even though it uses no animal products, the wine comes from berries that are crushed underfoot, pressed, and tortured to win all the juice we can get. Wine is the blood of grapes, and for its mistreatment: a worthy drink for a metarian.

 

and Evilshy, that is truly a mighty, manly, metarian sandwich. I must bow before your magnificent meal.

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

Something you have to remember when preparing Meatetarian-safe food. Has the animal suffered enough? We humans, sadly, are restricted, because we have this silly "conscience" thing. So, how do you get around that?

 

An animal torture robot, of course!

 

 

With an animal torture robot, your conscience won't keep you from inflicting such torture as burnings and whippings anymore! And if PETA complains, you can honestly say you didn't do it!

Edited July 22, 2013 by Chainsaw Bouffant

[Ron Jeremy 2,032]

Ever since I became a Meatetarian, it has been my dream to consume as much meat as possible at one moment. So far, my best has been eating raw steaks while a tube going down my throat is pumping pureed rabbit directly into my stomach. How can I improve my performance?

[Silverhoof 2,839]

In praise of shredded meat. It is possible that shredded chicken, beef and pork were all poor critters slowly fed through one of Saddam's wood chippers. On the off chance that such a fate befell these creatures, I went to a barbeque restaurant tonight.

It was great, and you could taste the suffering.