Providing OC feedback.

[GaleFenrir 281]

So, a few others have made review threads for people's OCs. I'm not much one for doing proper reviews, I always have trouble coming up with a final score. Not to mention I don't like hurting people's feelings, when I know I can be rather harsh in my criticism. So, instead, I'll be providing more in the way of feedback,

 

Though, I suppose the format will be much in the same manner as a review. I'll address three aspects of your character: Visual Design, (Depth of) Personality, and Backstory, followed by a conclusion as to how the three tie into each other and mesh. I'll probably also make a comment on the name.

 

So, to request my feedback, just indicate which character of yours you would like, or if you would like multiple of character's looked over. Then either provide the link to their character page, or if they do not have one, post a picture of them and write up whatever you may have in terms of personality and backstory.

[firetorn 187]

Hey could you please review my OC Firetorn? Here's the link: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/firetorn-r3637 I know a lot of the background is rather brief, i plan on expanding it as i think of ideas.

[GaleFenrir 281]

@@firetorn,

 

Alrighty, let's see here:

 

Visually, well, not too much to comment on since it's a simple pencil drawing. But the details you made in text as to her color palette  seems sound and fits thematically. Though, I wonder what colors her eyes are. I would suggest perhaps a larger mane, more voluminous, to evoke that fiery theme more, since fire has a tendency to rise up. Finally, the cutie mark: it's a personal thing, but I find the idea of a zippo lighter cutie mark to be kinda silly. Perhaps some flint and tinder or some other more primitive method of fire-starting would work better, but even if you stick with a lighter, don't make it a Zippo brand; there is no Zippo brand in Equestria, perhaps make a pun with it, though.

 

On to personality. It's quite simple and focused. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but perhaps if you added some detail to how her personality would affect how she interacts with others. What roles would she fit in a team dynamic? How sociable is she? What's her thoughts on romance? Things like that.

 

Backstory! Now, the idea of her being a bully at a young age is quite enticing. Some detail as to why she became one and how she resolved that matter would be nice to elaborate upon. Perhaps touch upon what her homelife was like, or any experiences she might have had in flight camp. But the biggest thing I see missing is the specific instance in which she gained her cutie mark. That is a pivotal moment in any pony's life, and the circumstances through which it is gained is typically worth mentioning.

 

In conclusion, you have a very resolute theme going on, and that helps her in terms of cohesion. I would like to see more as to how her back story effected her current personality, though. Does she still sometimes bully others? Or does she have a fear of doing so, feeling repentant for her past mistakes?

[firetorn 187]

Thanks a lot for the in-depth advice! here is the second revision, I tried to take all of your suggestions into account. What do you think now? http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/firetorn-r3637

[GaleFenrir 281]

Thanks a lot for the in-depth advice! here is the second revision, I tried to take all of your suggestions into account. What do you think now? http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/firetorn-r3637

I'm glad to see you've taken my suggestions into consideration. She does seem more fleshed out now, so, kudos. Don't know what much more to say, she's a solid character. Just keep adding facets to her in the future, developing her through RPs or stories, but what you have now is a solid foundation.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

You can review my OC if you like. The link is Blue Moon in my signature (Make sure to click the "http" part or it won't work). Be as harsh as you want as I personally would give it a C- on my scale, but oh well.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Blue Moon

[GaleFenrir 281]

@@Blue Moon,

 

Let's see, the visual design. Well, in terms of colors, it's as stated on the tin. Blue. But, I do like the bit of indigo you got going in the mane, and the purple eyes. M only real gripe, which is entirely personal, is the freckles. Not anything against freckles, I just never saw why one would put freckles there. I mean, it just makes more sense to me if they were on the muzzle itself, rather than being so close to the forehead. But, that's something that you were limited by in the pony creator, so I an't really hold that against you.

 

Personality: My first gripe would be with his magic. I know it's just personal head canon, but I have always thought that Unicorn magic was fairly limited. As in, you get your basic telekinesis, and some spells relevant to your talent. So whenever I read 'is good with magic' on a pony whose special talent has nothing to do with any sort of magic, I cringe a little. I understand you want to show he's smart, but intelligence and magical proficiency are not directly correlated. Other than that... well, he is generally polite but has a stubborn streak. That's fine, and it's a nice combo for the kinda average Joe that he seems to be. The tendency to talk to himself is a nice little touch.

 

Backstory: I like how he ends up not reaching his lofty goal. That's not me being pessimistic, I just find it more believable then the OCs I have seen around who all have the undying respect of the princesses for whatever reason. And it is also rather unique to see an adult pony who has settled down and started a family. The only thing I would elaborate on is his career. Is he a respected enough scientist that he would get grants from academic or governmental organizations? Or does he somehow apply his skills to a more mundane career in Ponyville? Or perhaps he is a stay at home dad who lets his wife handle the finances.

 

Conclusion: Not bad, just bland. Bland is alright, has it's place. At least he's not a Gary Stu, eh?

[Blue Moon 6,341]

@@Blue Moon,

 

Let's see, the visual design. Well, in terms of colors, it's as stated on the tin. Blue. But, I do like the bit of indigo you got going in the mane, and the purple eyes. M only real gripe, which is entirely personal, is the freckles. Not anything against freckles, I just never saw why one would put freckles there. I mean, it just makes more sense to me if they were on the muzzle itself, rather than being so close to the forehead. But, that's something that you were limited by in the pony creator, so I an't really hold that against you.

 

Personality: My first gripe would be with his magic. I know it's just personal head canon, but I have always thought that Unicorn magic was fairly limited. As in, you get your basic telekinesis, and some spells relevant to your talent. So whenever I read 'is good with magic' on a pony whose special talent has nothing to do with any sort of magic, I cringe a little. I understand you want to show he's smart, but intelligence and magical proficiency are not directly correlated. Other than that... well, he is generally polite but has a stubborn streak. That's fine, and it's a nice combo for the kinda average Joe that he seems to be. The tendency to talk to himself is a nice little touch.

 

Backstory: I like how he ends up not reaching his lofty goal. That's not me being pessimistic, I just find it more believable then the OCs I have seen around who all have the undying respect of the princesses for whatever reason. And it is also rather unique to see an adult pony who has settled down and started a family. The only thing I would elaborate on is his career. Is he a respected enough scientist that he would get grants from academic or governmental organizations? Or does he somehow apply his skills to a more mundane career in Ponyville? Or perhaps he is a stay at home dad who lets his wife handle the finances.

 

Conclusion: Not bad, just bland. Bland is alright, has it's place. At least he's not a Gary Stu, eh?

Visual Design: I actually didn't know what they (freckles) were when I made him. I just used them because they reminded me of Princess Luna's cutie mark who is related to the night sky. Took me a while to actually figure out what they were. I just decided to keep them. And yeah, it's mostly the pony creator's fault for the placement of them.

 

Personality: Yeah, I just put the "good at magic" to say that he's fairly talented, but I should probably update it and put more specifics. I kind of based him on me and I'm a pretty average joe, so I guess that got shown in the OC.

 

Backstory: Yeah, I prefer realism when making an OC and try to make an OC that would fit in the actual show. As for family, I put there because I'm rather fond of families and there is an astonishing amount of adult OC's in the fandom without families. (I need to make some profiles for the rest of the family,  but I never got the chance to. I have their pictures though.) Plus, like you said, it seemed more realistic to me to have him not reach is life long dream. As for his career, I kind of forgot about that part and will elaborate on it later.

 

I'll add more to his profile later and I'll let you know when I'm done. Thanks for the review. It has a lot of things that were actually useful to improving Blue Moon. As for bland, I like that description. Makes him seem normal.

@@Blue Moon,

 

Let's see, the visual design. Well, in terms of colors, it's as stated on the tin. Blue. But, I do like the bit of indigo you got going in the mane, and the purple eyes. M only real gripe, which is entirely personal, is the freckles. Not anything against freckles, I just never saw why one would put freckles there. I mean, it just makes more sense to me if they were on the muzzle itself, rather than being so close to the forehead. But, that's something that you were limited by in the pony creator, so I an't really hold that against you.

 

Personality: My first gripe would be with his magic. I know it's just personal head canon, but I have always thought that Unicorn magic was fairly limited. As in, you get your basic telekinesis, and some spells relevant to your talent. So whenever I read 'is good with magic' on a pony whose special talent has nothing to do with any sort of magic, I cringe a little. I understand you want to show he's smart, but intelligence and magical proficiency are not directly correlated. Other than that... well, he is generally polite but has a stubborn streak. That's fine, and it's a nice combo for the kinda average Joe that he seems to be. The tendency to talk to himself is a nice little touch.

 

Backstory: I like how he ends up not reaching his lofty goal. That's not me being pessimistic, I just find it more believable then the OCs I have seen around who all have the undying respect of the princesses for whatever reason. And it is also rather unique to see an adult pony who has settled down and started a family. The only thing I would elaborate on is his career. Is he a respected enough scientist that he would get grants from academic or governmental organizations? Or does he somehow apply his skills to a more mundane career in Ponyville? Or perhaps he is a stay at home dad who lets his wife handle the finances.

 

Conclusion: Not bad, just bland. Bland is alright, has it's place. At least he's not a Gary Stu, eh?

Ok, I updated his profile. Hopefully, I fixed a few things. Could you edit the review for the updated profile? I tried to give him more depth on his personality and elaborate on his career.

[GaleFenrir 281]

@@Blue Moon,

 

Ooh, that is much nicer! Kudos. I don't really edit my posts when I have something new to say, so I'll say my errata here:

 

I love that you added the pride he has in his knowledge, and how that pride being hurt is the reason why he is less sociable. 

 

As for the backstory, well, it's about what I expected it to be, so that's nice. The only other suggestion I could make would be to include how he got his cutie mark, since it's typically a pivotal moment in a young pony's life.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

@@Blue Moon,

 

Ooh, that is much nicer! Kudos. I don't really edit my posts when I have something new to say, so I'll say my errata here:

 

I love that you added the pride he has in his knowledge, and how that pride being hurt is the reason why he is less sociable. 

 

As for the backstory, well, it's about what I expected it to be, so that's nice. The only other suggestion I could make would be to include how he got his cutie mark, since it's typically a pivotal moment in a young pony's life.

I put something down in the cutie mark section of the profile, but it needs something more. Have any suggestions for his cutie mark backstory?

[GaleFenrir 281]

I put something down in the cutie mark section of the profile, but it needs something more. Have any suggestions for his cutie mark backstory?

I dunno, maybe he was inspired by a really cool mentor figure there. Perhaps, aside from that initial visit, he would have made it a point in visiting that place several times, kinda like a second school for him, where he would have really gotten engrossed in the subject with the guiding hoof of that mentor figure. That's all I got.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

I dunno, maybe he was inspired by a really cool mentor figure there. Perhaps, aside from that initial visit, he would have made it a point in visiting that place several times, kinda like a second school for him, where he would have really gotten engrossed in the subject with the guiding hoof of that mentor figure. That's all I got.

I didn't really like the idea of a mentor figure, but I did come up with this. See the profile to see the edited backstory for the cutie mark. Did I improve it or do you think I should use something else.

[GaleFenrir 281]

I didn't really like the idea of a mentor figure, but I did come up with this. See the profile to see the edited backstory for the cutie mark. Did I improve it or do you think I should use something else.

That is definitely an improvement, good job! It fits perfectly well as a cutie mark story, so... yeah. And it meshes with and reinforces his eager to learn personality. I suppose now you would give your OC at least a B, right? Certainly not a C.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

That is definitely an improvement, good job! It fits perfectly well as a cutie mark story, so... yeah. And it meshes with and reinforces his eager to learn personality. I suppose now you would give your OC at least a B, right? Certainly not a C.

Yay! I did it!

 

I would give it a B- at most. I still think his personality seems too cliche. I see a lot of shy OC's and mine uses that trait as well.

[GaleFenrir 281]

Yay! I did it!

 

I would give it a B- at most. I still think his personality seems too cliche. I see a lot of shy OC's and mine uses that trait as well.

Eh, so shyness is a bit cliche. You at least gave a reason as to why he was shy aside from just general social awkwardness that is the norm. He doesn't want to accidentally say something wrong again, because he prides himself in his knowledge. That would at least elevate it to a B if not B+.

[Blue Moon 6,341]

Eh, so shyness is a bit cliche. You at least gave a reason as to why he was shy aside from just general social awkwardness that is the norm. He doesn't want to accidentally say something wrong again, because he prides himself in his knowledge. That would at least elevate it to a B if not B+.

Ok, I guess. Then with all the help you have given me tonight, instead of a C-, I would give him a B+.

 

Now, I don't want to clutter up your request thread with a bunch of my posts, so I will leave and go work on my review page. 

 

Thanks again for the help. You helped raise him from a C- to a B+.

[Minath Khalsi 195]

Hmmmm... seems interesting. Can you review my ponysona, Minath? Her link is in my signature. Please and thank you!

[GaleFenrir 281]

@,

 

Ooh, okay, I was wondering when an alicorn would crop up here. Needless to say, they get a bad rap when it comes to OCs. And with good enough reason. Myself, well, I am a cautious optimist. Really, the main problem with alicorn OCs is in determining why they should be an alicorn. You most likely have your heart set on her being an alicorn, so I'll more so provide feedback as to how you could justify her alicorn-hood than dissuading you from keeping her an alicorn..

 

Well, onto my typical routine. The visual design! Let's see here... well, visual clutter is a fearsome enemy to many an OC. The armor, however, is justified, so I can't right fully say it doesn't belong, but it does seem to me like there is too much ornamentation upon the chest plate. A few less lines there, perhaps, could make the whole outfit seem less cluttered.

 

The main visual element of anypony is the color of their coat and mane, and to a lesser extent eyes. Well, the coat's fine enough. Grey isn't really my thing, but it's alright, and it helps that it is a lighter tone of grey than the dark dark grey/black I've seen on other OCs. The mane would be where contention would lie. Blue and black. Not a bad combo, per se. However, I wouldn't use a neon blue, something less vibrant so as to not clash so much with the black and grey. That said, the actual pattern is unique, even if the shape is not, so that's good. Finally, the eyes. Well, she has eye problems, but she's not blind, so i don't see why she would have grey eyes. Unless you are trying to allude to Athena. But if that's not the intention I would suggest perhaps a subdued blue, which would also harmonize with the blue in the mane.

 

The final topic for her visual design would be the scars. Scars are cool, we all know this. I'll talk more on the scarring when I get to the backstory bit, but from a visual standpoint there isn't anything wrong with scarring, and given that she is a Guard, that scarring could lend to a more intimidating side when or if she ever needs to be.

 

Personality now. First, this is just a technical issue, a grammatical error. In this profile you switch between first and third person haphazardly. That's something that should be kept consistent, you either write from a first person perspective(I am...) or third person(Minath is...). When it is so haphazardly mixed and intermingled it can be confusing for the reader.

 

Now, as for the actual content. Not necessarily outgoing, but has a funky side that she reserves. Ok, not bad. Blunt and shy are a bit incongruous, but that's fine. Brash, ok, simple enough. You include how she is when drunk, nice touch. Really, the main personality trait I would expand upon is in her role as a leader. She is a high ranking guard, so it would be nice to know how she treats her subordinates, and how she would treat them differently from personal friends.

 

Finally, it is time, for the biggy, the elephant in the room. Her backstory. Well, as a side note, this section also contiues with the haphazard perspective.

 

Now, her back story has a lot of kinks that need sussing out. This may be a term you have seen floating around, but currently this backstory screams 'Mary Sue'.(Friendly reminder, please do not take any of this as a personal insult, I am only providing feedback for your benefit... and the benefit of anyone whom you happen to RP with.)

 

Ok, she was mocked for being an orphan. Fair enough, though it would be nice to elaborate upon this. Since she grew up in an orphanage, it seems a tad unreasonable for that to be the only reason she was bullied, perhaps she was also awkward or uncomfortable with the fact that she was an alicorn, teased for not living up to the standard of the princesses. I do have a question with how you worded this( "Being the only alicorn with no parents")however. So, she was born an alicorn. Look, I can deal with that. I am confused by how she is "the only alicorn with no parents". Were alicorn foals common in Manehatten for whatever reason? Or perhaps this is simply a grammatical error, and she is the only alicorn in Manehatten and she happens to be an orphan.

 

Running away to canterlot as a filly, well that's just a bit silly(sorry, not the word I would use normally, but I couldn't ignore the rhyme). Granted, Applejack went from Ponyville to Manehatten and back as a filly, but she didn't run away, she was going to her aunt and uncle's, and it could be inferred she took a cab, but I digress.

 

The cutie mark story is a tad weak. You say she was observant during the whole thing, but you don't elaborate as to how she was being observant. Did she carefully maneuver past several guards, go into several different rooms of the castle absorbing all the culture and rich history?

 

Now we get to the points that scream "Mary Sue". Her being taken in by Celestia herself. It's not that I doubt that Celestia would take a filly in under her wing, for, she did do so with Twilight, the main problem would be in how, exactly, she came to the decision to do so. Twilight had to show prodigious talent, Celestia didn't simply 'stare into her soul' or something like that. She witnessed incredible talent and wanted to nurture that. As impressive as it would be for a filly to sneak through the castle, I wouldn't call that prodigious. Elaborate, describe a scene in which Celestia does see Minath's potential.

 

Then, you only briefly describe her ascension to her current rank. It would be nice to know how exactly she went about climbing the ranks, perhaps a certain feat(I would elaborate... but we are not on the scarring issue yet) that showed her qualification for the position.

 

The anecdote about how she dated Soarin' also contributes her Suedom. For, you see, a Mary Sue is a character who involves herself with an already established cast of characters and is beloved by them for inadequately explored reasons. Being taken in by the loving and wise Celestia is one thing, but to be adored by the Wonderbolts? That just doesn't really add anything to her character other than 'hey, the Wonderbolts like her, you should too'; and that, that is a logical fallacy. You could perhaps still have a humorous anecdote of her going on a date with Soarin', but that is only an anecdote, not an integral part of her development in her backstory. You already have a list of experiences, just list the date with Soarin' as one of those.

 

And now, the scarring story. You see, another crucial element of Suedom is a (needlessly) tragic backstory. Tragic backstories, are, by themselves, not bad. However, being bullied and burned by a fellow orphan just does not add any sort of depth. Take a classic example of a character with a tragic backstory: Batman. The tragedy of his parents death was his motivation, his drive, his Call to Action in his Hero's Journey(a narrative theory which you really should look up, in your spare time). There is no indication here that being burned as a little filly did much other than give her some cool scarring.

 

So, you could theoretically expand upon how that physical scar had a lasting effect on her. Does she consider herself ugly? Is she unable to stand the sight of an innocent pony being hurt, specifically because she had to face the same? Did she end up becoming a guard to ensure that no other pony would have to get hurt, that she could be the watchful guardian who oversees the innocent?

 

Alternatively, you could give the scarring some other significance. Instead of being a mark she got from a bully bullying her for ill-defined reasons, she got the scars in the line of duty. This is where I go back to the matter of how she ascended to her current rank. That scar could be a badge of honor, indicative of some epic feat or heroic quest in which she proved herself. A symbol to her wise-and-experienced-for-her-age nature, something which her subordinates could look upon and see not a 22 year old greenhorn, but instead a battle-proven veteran worthy.

 

Conclusion: A Mary Sue with potential. Seize that potential; elaborate, explore, and avoid cliche. She evokes Pallas Athene, strengthen that connection. A wise and wizened beauty, watching out for the world. If you reinforce that aspect, and diminish her Sue qualities, she would be worthy of Alicornhood.

 

And now I am done. Over 6000 characters of analysis and feedback.

 

Please-dont-hate-me.Please-dont-hate-me.Trying-to-be-friendly.Trying-to-be-friendly.Friendly-advice.Friendly-advice.

[Minath Khalsi 195]

@@GaleFenrir,

 

I actually never realized I had created a Mary Sue! Thanks for pointing that out, And i'm going to draw on some things you said.

 

 

 

The armor, however, is justified, so I can't right fully say it doesn't belong, but it does seem to me like there is too much ornamentation upon the chest plate. A few less lines there, perhaps, could make the whole outfit seem less cluttered.  

 

My original design had less ornamentation, but when I transferred it onto the computer it looked kinda bare. I added more lines, and now I guess I have too many.

 

 

 

I wouldn't use a neon blue, something less vibrant so as to not clash so much with the black and grey

 

This may sound odd, but I wanted it to clash. She looks very bland and then "POW" color. The main, hehe, mane component was supposed to be overly knock-your-eyes-out bright because the rest of her looked so boring.

 

 

 

so i don't see why she would have grey eyes. Unless you are trying to allude to Athena

 

I actually was. I've had the name Minath as many usernames because of what it's componets are. I made the name Minath from the two ancient Greek and Roman Goddesses, Minerva and Athena. MIN-erva, ATH-ena. MIN-ATH.

 

 

 

Personality now. First, this is just a technical issue, a grammatical error. In this profile you switch between first and third person haphazardly. That's something that should be kept consistent, you either write from a first person perspective(I am...) or third person(Minath is...). When it is so haphazardly mixed and intermingled it can be confusing for the reader.

 

I've been meaning to fix, that, I just had never gotten around to it. Because I modeled her personality after myself, My mind told me to  say "I" and then I remembered to say "Minath" and I just never got around to fixing it.

 

 

 

Really, the main personality trait I would expand upon is in her role as a leader. She is a high ranking guard, so it would be nice to know how she treats her subordinates, and how she would treat them differently from personal friends.

 

I'll make sure to mention that in the edit.

 

 

 

(Friendly reminder, please do not take any of this as a personal insult, I am only providing feedback for your benefit... and the benefit of anyone whom you happen to RP with.)

 

I'm honestly with all my heart trying not to. Promise.

 

 

 

I do have a question with how you worded this( "Being the only alicorn with no parents")however. So, she was born an alicorn. Look, I can deal with that. I am confused by how she is "the only alicorn with no parents". Were alicorn foals common in Manehatten for whatever reason? Or perhaps this is simply a grammatical error, and she is the only alicorn in Manehatten and she happens to be an orphan.

 

That would be a grammatical error on my part. And I should've mentioned somewhere that she doesn't know if she was born an alicorn, or created one.

 

 

 

Running away to canterlot as a filly, well that's just a bit silly

 

I'm alittle confused. How is running away silly? I've run away many times because I needed a break from the mockery I faced, admittedly I always come back, but still.

 

 

 

The cutie mark story is a tad weak. You say she was observant during the whole thing, but you don't elaborate as to how she was being observant. Did she carefully maneuver past several guards, go into several different rooms of the castle absorbing all the culture and rich history?

 

I should draw more into this, thank you for pointing this out. She observed the positioning of guards, predicted their next move, and maneuvered around them to avoid being caught. It's more or less observing battle tact.

 

 

 

As impressive as it would be for a filly to sneak through the castle, I wouldn't call that prodigious. Elaborate, describe a scene in which Celestia does see Minath's potential.

 

I'm thinking of elaborating upon that by saying she snuck into Celestia's personal quarters and lived there for a week or so before being caught by Celestia herself. Prodigious enough?

 

 

 

Then, you only briefly describe her ascension to her current rank. It would be nice to know how exactly she went about climbing the ranks, perhaps a certain feat(I would elaborate... but we are not on the scarring issue yet) that showed her qualification for the position.

 

I was thinking it could be during the Changeling attack, saying how she killed more Changelings than her current Captain. Do you have any suggestions?

 

 

 

You could perhaps still have a humorous anecdote of her going on a date with Soarin', but that is only an anecdote, not an integral part of her development in her backstory. You already have a list of experiences, just list the date with Soarin' as one of those.

 

I decided to have the date with Soarin' as a testimate that she does date, and because she refused his second means she knows what she's looking, or rather, not looking for in a stallion. Long shot thinking, but still.

 

 

 

There is no indication here that being burned as a little filly did much other than give her some cool scarring.

 

I'll make sure to draw upon that and add how it affected her emotions.

 

 

 

So, you could theoretically expand upon how that physical scar had a lasting effect on her. Does she consider herself ugly? Is she unable to stand the sight of an innocent pony being hurt, specifically because she had to face the same? Did she end up becoming a guard to ensure that no other pony would have to get hurt, that she could be the watchful guardian who oversees the innocent?

 

At first she did, then she began to wear it like a badge of honor. 'Hey, you can hurt me, I've already been hurt way worse than you could imagine.' Kind of thing. It's not the physical damage that messed her up, it's the emotional. And I would agree that that's the reason she became a guard and why she's so protective.

 

 

 

Alternatively, you could give the scarring some other significance. Instead of being a mark she got from a bully bullying her for ill-defined reasons, she got the scars in the line of duty. This is where I go back to the matter of how she ascended to her current rank. That scar could be a badge of honor, indicative of some epic feat or heroic quest in which she proved herself. A symbol to her wise-and-experienced-for-her-age nature, something which her subordinates could look upon and see not a 22 year old greenhorn, but instead a battle-proven veteran worthy.

 

The reason I had her scarring story inflicted upon by another orphan and rather not in the line of duty was because my own scars are from a, admittedly I'm not an orphan, but a peer of mine when I was younger. They did it intentionally and the effect has lasted on me. After I had gotten the burns I wanted to be a police officer, until I realized the psychology was more my calling.

 

Thanks for that very elaborate review, I'll fix some things ASAP.

[River 59]

Give some feedback on Cerulean Sky? Hopefully you're not too harsh on this mare! XD

I've never had any feedback on my pony before, so this may be interesting.

[Adente 1,000]

@@GaleFenrir, 

 

"Curious is reviewing us mere mortal OCs? Gosh bro, how could I refuse?! C'mon Curious, let me know how great and awesome I am!!!"

 

"Screw you Runner, Todd Stocks is clearly best OC! Review me! ........Or else!!"

 

"I don't think threatening the guy you want to review you is the best way to get feedback Stocks. Although I'm not surprised a daddy's boy like you was stupid enough not to figure that out!"

 

"Why you little freshman slug.... Do you even know who you're talking to!?" *Punches Windy in the gut*

 

"Now you've asked for it! Prepare for pain Stocks!!" *Fight, complete with dust cloud, ensues*

 

Sorry about that Gale.... You can review either Windy or Todd, since I'm always trying to refine and improve my OCs, and you know both of them pretty well.

Edited June 24, 2013 by Windy Runner

[GaleFenrir 281]

Give some feedback on Cerulean Sky? Hopefully you're not too harsh on this mare! XD

I've never had any feedback on my pony before, so this may be interesting.

 

 

@@GaleFenrir, 

 

"Curious is reviewing us mere mortal OCs? Gosh bro, how could I refuse?! C'mon Curious, let me know how great and awesome I am!!!"

 

"Screw you Runner, Todd Stocks is clearly best OC! Review me! ........Or else!!"

 

"I don't think threatening the guy you want to review you is the best way to get feedback Stocks. Although I'm not surprised a daddy's boy like you was stupid enough not to figure that out!"

 

"Why you little freshman slug.... Do you even know who you're talking to!?" *Punches Windy in the gut*

 

"Now you've asked for it! Prepare for pain Stocks!!" *Fight, complete with dust cloud, ensues*

 

Sorry about that Gale.... You can review either Windy or Todd, since I'm always trying to refine and improve my OCs, and you know both of them pretty well.

Okay... two-three characters who I am currently RPing with? Gonna have to temper myself, me thinks.

 

Also, Windy, because of that first line, I am now imagining Curious as an Alicorn Princess.  So, thanks for that,

 

And expect your review to be almost entirely in-character to match your in-character request.

[RAGESTAR 479]

Hello, this is my main oc crimson grinn, you may be honest on what you think, but please don't bring up how brutal his cutiemark story is, I've already had that happen, but anyways, what do you think?

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/crimson-grinn-r3232

[Gummy Worms :) 23]

Can you give some feedback on my OOC. Autumn Palette? The archive link is in my signature. Thanks!

[Descant 1,898]

Okay. I'll give you a few to look at. I need to go back and revise my pages anyway, may as well see what you think, and all that jazz. Yeah?

 

These are my main OCs.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/descant-encore-r1938

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/rag-and-tag-r1953

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/evergreen-r2021

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/cascade-r2241