Battle of the Twinkies!

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,696]

For every new sugary monstrosity that comes along these days, there are universally recognized classics that remain untouched in the pantheon of individually wrapped desserts, and one of these is the Twinkie. It is known by many names under different brands, but everybody recognizes the oblong sponge cake with creme filling. You either like it or you don't, but you can't deny their staying power or their presence in the news as of late.

 

One wonders how a company like Hostess could give us one of the most successful dessert products in American history, the almighty Twinkie, and still file for bankruptcy twice in 8 years with all its products and sub-brands scattering to the four winds. Fortunately, with Apollo Industries taking over production of Twinkies last summer, the former champ is back in the ring--but, as I saw when I browsed the snack aisle at Target, it has competition.

 

In one corner, the reborn (and supposedly healthier) Twinkie. 

 

In another corner, the Cloud Cake, an equivalent created by Hostess' biggest rival in the snack cake business, the mysterious Little Debbie. 

 

In the third corner, a real eye-opener: the brand new Golden Creme Cakes, introduced this year by baking powerhouse Sara Lee. 

 

And in the fourth corner? Me. The referee. With THREE delicious-looking Twinkie variants on the local shelves, my curiosity was piqued. For your entertainment, I've decided to try all of them one by one in a taste test and choose a winner. They will be scored on taste, texture, fluffiness, creaminess, aftertaste, and intangible qualities. All bets are off in this triple threat contest. But one thing's for sure: somebody's gonna get creme'd.  

Edited November 20, 2013 by TailsIsNotAlone

[Champion RD92 8,658]

I haven't had a Twinkie in a really really long time, now I want one lol xD

[KBAriel 7]

I believe Little Debbies is going to win because anything Little Debbies make is delicious. As you can tell I am a big fan of Little Debbies

I haven't had a Twinkie in a really really long time, now I want one lol xD

Me too!

[Guest]

I actually like the Little Debbie brand the most. I think the cream tastes better in them.

 

Hostess icing tastes greasy...? kinda. Never had Sara Lee's.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Rae ~

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,696]

Before I proceed with the first dessert, let it be known that I must examine each snack individually to determine its score in all six fields. Fortunately I hold no bias going in, and view all three with detached apprehension. I will also have my beer as a palette cleanser between each one, because I am nothing if not professional.

 

I'm not certain they even allow these on the shelves in some countries--for example, in Europe...must be part of that universal healthcare xD--so for bronies overseas, this should hold some additional interest. Witness a man play Russian Roulette with his health from the safety of your own home! It gets much crazier than Twinkies here in the states--the deep fried Twinkie for example. (I attempted it only once, but it quite efficiently satisfied my deep-fried Twinkie needs for the rest of my life.)

 

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to a battle of the gooey, preservative-stuffed titans! Musical entertainment is provided by Strata with their very fitting song, 'In a Sweet Dream'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdKRYZmPX14

While our three contenders prepare for the fight, here's the tale of the tape (i.e. nutrition facts)!

 

Hostess

Calories: 135 (from fat: 40)

Total Fat: 4.5g (7% Daily Value)

Sat. Fat: 2.25g (11.5%)

Cholesterol: 17.5mg (6%)

Sodium: 180 mg (7.5%)

Carbs: 23g (7.5%)

Sugars: 16.5g

 

Little Debbie

Calories: 150 (from fat: 35)

Total Fat: 4g (5%)

Sat. Fat: 1g (5%)

Cholesterol: 20mg (7%)

Sodium: 150mg (6%)

Carbs: 28g (9%)

Sugars: 17g)

 

Sara Lee

Calories: 170 (from fat: 30)

Total Fat: 7g (11%)

Sat. Fat: 2.5g (13%)

[Polyunsaturated 2g, Monounsaturated 2.5g...neither of the other Twinkies has these)

Cholesterol: 20mg (7%)

Sodium: 180mg (8%)

Carbs: 26g (9%)

Sugars: 17g)

 

A Little Debbie Cloud Cake is the least unhealthy of the three--but of course that's just a small part of the experience. Next, I will evaluate the first Twinkie...

Edited November 22, 2013 by TailsIsNotAlone

[Bronyette 835]

 

 

I love you for doing this. XD This is what I call entertainment... As you can see I have no life.

 

Next you should do all of the big restaurant chains signature hamburgers.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Bronyette

[RubyVesper 100]

I think Twinkies might just be banned from my country, lol. Too unhealthy and addictive.

[Flutter's lover <3 8,210]

http://youtu.be/MeS6DvyLScE

 

 

Hostess Twinkies are the best......it's not a Twinkie if it's not Hostess.

[Scootalove 10,692]

Now, I'm hungry for Twinkies curse you! I prefer Little Debbie Twinkies, for the delicious cream.

[Meddle 24]

Personally I like the Tastykake ones myself.

They're pretty darn good in my opinion, but I love Tastykake stuff in general anyway. The Little Debbie ones run a very close 2nd to me, though. So of the ones listed, my vote goes to Little Debbie.

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,696]

The contest has started. Initiate special contest font!

 

I love you for doing this. XD This is what I call entertainment... As you can see I have no life.

Next you should do all of the big restaurant chains signature hamburgers.

 I like that idea...but on to the matter at hand! I have all three cakes in front of me right now! First up, the ones who invented the Twinkie, the mighty Hostess--or whatever remains of them. Their new box has eschewed the old cartoon Twinkie in a cowboy hat and boots (good riddance IMO) for a simpler look. On the front it reads, "the sweetest comeback in the history of ever." I guess we'll see, won't we?  All scores are out of 5, with 1 being terrible and 5 being great.

 

HOSTESS

Next to the solid Cloud Cake and the soft Sara Lee, the feel of Hostess' cake is middle-of-the-road. Not too stiff, but it won't lose its shape. Well, maybe if I had a blowtorch on hand...but scientific experimentation is not my goal. The clear wrapper is simple, adorned only with the Hostess logo and a tiny "not labeled for retail sale" on the back. Kind of weird that you need a label to tell people something isn't labeled. It's soft and crinkly and peels open easily, and yes, there's that processed baking smell! No air got out of this one. Good sign. At the same time it smells REALLY sweet, like pure sugar.

Little parts of the cake's bottom layer come off on the wrapper, but not all. The three spots where the creme was injected are visible and quite close together. The cake is spongy and slightly greasy in my hand. The cake is well-formed but not overly smooth. First Impression: 4

Next, the sponge cake. There's room for a bite or two on each end before we reach to the creme, and it's...well, pretty darn good. It's light and dense at the same time and melts in my mouth. Cake: 4

Now for the cream, and...this part is a little different. It has a rather greasy consistency and stubbornly tries to escape me. I take a larger bite for a better taste, and faux-sweetness dissipates across my tongue, overwhelming my taste buds. It's as soft as marshmallow cream but without the authentic taste. Creme: 2

I'm finished, and here's another area where Hostess lets me down. The Twinkie has a pronounced chemical aftertaste that hovers stubbornly in my mouth, as if to mock me for having eaten it. It's especially sharp at the back of my tongue. I wait and five minutes later it's still there. Where's my beer?  Aftertaste: 1

I feel somehow...used by this Twinkie. Imagine a very good-looking guy or girl that lures you in with their riches and success, then immediately deserts you after an unsatisfying one-night stand. That's what this is. Great appearance, great package, but ultimately a letdown. I feel the urge to go eat something real. Carrots anyone? Experience: 3
Overall: 2.8
I'll move on to Little Debbie, when I've recovered.

Edited November 20, 2013 by TailsIsNotAlone

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,696]

This is as good a time as any for the second Twinkie in the contest. Let's do it!  
 

LITTLE DEBBIE

 

Little Debbie's Cloud Cakes certainly come in the most attractive box. Nice shades of white and blue, neat logo. Like Hostess, they come in a box of 10 for about $2.99. Unlike Hostess, they print the nutrition facts not only on the box, but on every individual wrapper along with the ingredients. That's handy.

The wrappers are a little tighter on these and harder to open. The Cloud Cake smells like creme rather than cake, and has the most solid shape of the three. It's like a missile of sweetness and it's headed straight for you. None of the cake comes off on the plastic. The frosting is well contained; it doesn't come out from the bottom and the holes are spaced wider apart than in a Twinkie. The snack is reasonably moist but not greasy in my hand. Lovely. First Impression: 5

As I take a small bite off the end, I get a pleasant surprise: this is something pretty close to actual sponge cake. It is firm and chewy and doesn't fall apart in my mouth. The flavor is subtle, but pleasant. Cake: 4

The creme is surprisingly fluffy, as though it was just whipped. I put a blob of it on the end of my tongue, and remarkably, it doesn't melt. It just sits there gently until I finally spread it over my tongue. The sweetness is impressive, but not overwhelming. There's a little less creme here than there is in other Twinkies, but that doesn't hurt. Creme: 4

I finish and there's a little tickle in the back of my throat. The flavor of the cake lingers there, gentle but persistent. "You just ate a Cloud Cake," it tells me. "Not too bad, huh?" Not too bad indeed. Aftertaste: 3

Considering how closely eating can be related to sex, I might as well stick with that metaphor here. It was a satisfying encounter, fulfilling on both sides and as fun as I hoped it would be. I'm also thirsty.  Experience: 4
Overall: 4.0
If it's a slow night at work, I may get to Sara Lee. 

Edited November 22, 2013 by TailsIsNotAlone

[TailsIsNotAlone 3,696]

Time for the final Twinkie in the contest!

 

SARA LEE

 

Sara Lee is well known for its bread, pie and other baked goods, but let's see how they do with these. Their reputation for higher-than-average prices certainly endures here; they charge as much for a box of 8 Golden Creme Cakes as Hostess and Little Debbie do for 10. The box is also larger and wider than necessary--all signs that the company is pretty new to the world of snack cakes.

The plastic is rather stiff but does not envelop the cake very tightly. Some creme is coming out on the bottom, and sticks to the plastic as I peel it open. It smells like cake and is very soft in my hand. The three spots where the filling was injected are a good distance apart, but I have to hold it from the sides to keep the creme off my fingers. First Impression: 3

The cake is fluffy and dissolves very quickly. Its texture is much closer to angel food than sponge cake. Unfortunately it's a little too soft, almost damp on the bottom. The flavor is nice, but it sure hangs around in my mouth. Cake: 3

There's no shortage of the creme, and it's pretty good creme too; like the cake, it's very light. It has the consistency of whipped cream. But it's also aggressively sweet, especially after going down. I can see (or rather, taste) why this is the most caloric Twinkie of the three. Creme: 3

You can guess where this particular cake is going to score below average. It leaves a rather sharp, lingering and not altogether pleasant flavor in my throat that takes a while to go away. Aftertaste: 2

Strangely enough, sexual metaphors are the last things on my mind after eating this one. It feels more like a fat girl flirted with me and I had to gently put her off. I don't feel good about it but it had to be done. There's nothing really objectionable about a Sara Lee Twinkie, but it just isn't my type. Experience: 2
Overall: 2.6


So there we are. I didn't recognize many differences between these Twinkies at the outset, but I must declare the winner to be...

LITTLE DEBBIE!
Cloud Cakes are still not my first choice for a snack, but they achieve the best balance between health (less fat), taste (good, non-greasy filling), regard for the consumer (nutrition facts on the wrappers), and quality (real sponge cake). They make Hostess look like they've lost their edge and they make Sara Lee seem overpriced and mushy. If you're going to buy one of the three brands featured here, I recommend LD, because there IS a difference.

Thank you everybody! This has been brought to you by...me. Musical entertainment by Strata. Sponsors include my wallet and Overeaters Anonymous.

Any ideas for my next production? Shall I move on to burgers or reenter the Fry Wars? Compare three major cola brands? I'm open to suggestions. 

Edited November 23, 2013 by TailsIsNotAlone