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They call me Loyalty

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Everything posted by They call me Loyalty

  1. Nothing really. I went to good schools, for the most part. There were nice and digilent people. Some of them were actually very considerate with me. More than they should have. The problem was me. I was a trouble kid. It felt like I didn't belong there. If there was any malcontent, I earned it.
  2. Good. I got to talk with my mother and explained her how I was feeling. And we reached an agreement. I eat the impotent pain everyday, and she takes cares of me until I pass away here at home like her father did, since I lack the strength to face the world anymore. She started crying, and then I cried. But she agreed. I think it is a fair compromise, and she keeps the inheritence. Because I have no interest whatsoever in the properties or the money, as long as my family has food and a roof. Still, I don't know the reason she lied to me for so long. But it was tearing me apart, because I could not conciliate the pain I was feeling with the lie she was telling me, and it was causing me to become increasingly more unstable, which was dangerous for both of us. I don't think she understands that she means the world to me. And that whenever she passes away, I follow because she is my whole family. Not just by defect. But because beyond the anger that I feel against her, I love her. Also, I may be passing away first, because of my debilitating condition. But that was healing, and probably the first honest conversation we had since forever. Because she was hurting me with her denial, which in turn caused me to hurt her back. And I never really wanted to blame her, I just wanted to talk things out before things turned to worse, but she kept pushing the truth down, which only caused more pain for both of us.
  3. Well, I know that my body is deteriorated and I have developmental problems because of nuclear damage, which may in fact be the result nuclear fallout and or chemical agents, whether through an accident or war itself. I don't know. I first thought that the damage was due to some kind of inbreeding depression, but I would rather be it the first option. Since that would exonerate my family, because there is nothing worse that realizing that kind betrayal and stupidity. And because I am a real life ghoul. I look like it, I behave like it. And I am a little unstable and dangerous because of it. Damn, you should see how some of the people look at me, hahaha. Also, I can see in near pitch black. If you were to be in a dark room with that level of lighting for an hour. You still would not be able to see anything, and I still would be able to see you perfectly. And that may be an alteration that resulted from my unstable genetic makeup. But who knows, really. I tried to search for it to no avail. Though, now I know it is possible. Not that it matters, since I am dying rapidly due to the condition itself it seems. But that is just nature doing its thing. Still, it was fun.
  4. Hey, I don't know how much time I have left, but it doesn't feel like much. And I didn't want to see it, because it hurt me. But I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for this dream. To everyone involved. I was very happy in a weird and almost creepy way. I saw everyone with my big eye, I saw almost too much sometimes. Also, I didn't want to cause more harm, since I was kinda broken. So, be strong, but also know when to be vulnerable. And this may not be fair coming from such a terrible person like myself, but life is not always fair. So, tough luck. Also, it gets better, it always does. Have hope and believe. I am taking the cookies with me, by the way. You should have listened to the prophecies, just like a thief in the night. Eh, I am posting this right now, because I am hurting and it feels like I am losing my mind and I am afraid. So, yeah. Be strong and have hope in friendship. You can do it, I know you can.
  5. Like crap, actually. I've been drinking alcohol because it feels like my spine wants to tear itself apart. I am hurting all over. It happens whenever I want to connect with the truth. She is going pay for what I've lost - my own family, my own children, everything. This is just a reminder of the reason I am doing what I am doing. And the child is pointing at her next. But since I am too heavy because of all she took from me, the only thing I can do now is to fall on her with the consequence of her own actions. I have to disconnect a bit now. Make sure to let her know, okay? I live within a family where honesty is not a thing, and people constantly lie to me. So, I have to use alternative methods to deliver a truth that they don't want to see or hear. But they are going to see it, even if it the last thing they ever do. They are going to see the child that burns brighter than the sun. Have a nice day.
  6. No. That is not how it works. You don't want to earn the animosity of those you have to rely on in order to survive. Also, it is gonna be sitting there turning into nothingness again. Like the properties that were taken from this family. Actually, that is the best thing that could have happened in hindsite. Because we could not have taken care of them anyway. So, what you do is to sacrifice power instead. Because there is a certain wisdom in knowing your own limitations, and understanding the kind of damage that someone without the necessary capacity could do if offered said power. And I may be damaged, but I am not that stupid. Sad, but true. Also, I have the most important thing frrom my childhood. I have myself.
  7. It's alright. There is nothing that can be done now. Because the developmental damage to my body is already done. Now, she lives to soak up my pain, basically. Even if it pains me to do it, because she is still my mother/sister. But what is done is done. And she will live, but she will live like I have to. Impotent, alone and she is gonna experience the same pain and shame that I do, for the rest of her life. It's going to be fine. There is a certain sense of justice to this. Also, there is always some happiness to be found, even in a situation as screwed up as this one. Be at peace now. I have nothing against you.
  8. It's all good, mate. She lives for me now. And I am gonna make it last. So, it's not so bad. Also, no need to feel bad for me. Since, I am a proper bastard, by birthright.
  9. Familiar debts over incest. And a lot of pain. I hope the stupid brat know the kind of place that she put me in. Because the sword hanging over my head is pointing at her like she has more gravity than the sun itself. So, let's hope she is not as much of an idiot as she pretends to be. And even when she is in pain, she remembers to smile for me. Always with a smile.
  10. I was watching my sister perform her motherly duties, and that makes me so joyous that I spared her the knife another day. Hahaha! This our life, this our life! Taking a little piece of her every day - yoink, yoink, YOINK!!! Until there is nothing left. Sigh... I am really happy.
  11. I was watching my mother cry over her condition. And I was thinking about chemical agents, genetic damage, crimes of war, scars of the past. If she only had invested into researching the actual source of her genetic depression. But maybe that is for best. Also, I don't think it is within her capacity. Or maybe it is, but she doesn't want to see it. And that has costed me. My behaviour is not different from the one of a homeless person. But she is unable to realize it. She is lost inside her own world, it seems like. And when I try to bring her to the reality of our condition. Well, that happens. The damage is already done.
  12. Friday. Every day is another friday for me. Actually, every day should be renamed friday. Can we do that? It would be really confusing but also funny.
  13. I've been fighting back the pathological patterns that result from my developmental condition. And let me be clear here. The violent ideation is intense. It is like a poison that seeps into everything I do. And we all have our inherent hostility because we are animal creatures. But I have won. The animal has been subdued, and just like that. I feel renewed and calm. Now to sit back and relax a bit. Maybe play some video games. I don't know. But there is the real reason I keep myself isolated. I've not become any less stable than I was during my childhood. But I am still alive. So, in short. My way works, kinda. For the most. Hahaha! Have a good day, people.
  14. No one can take my dreams. Because they are just that. Therefore, they are not real. And cannot be taken away. I cannot even have them. But they sustain me, regardless. Thus, I have nothing, but still feel somewhat complete? It is strange... even to myself. Yet, a part of me still hungers. But that is just our human nature, after all. And those very dreams are what keep me suspended over this empty space inside ourselves, that we all know so well. But this view will not take you far in life. So, you have to fight. The difference is that there was a consession made in my name. That people can realize when they look at me. I have lost the strength to fight. But not everyone will be so considerate with a normal individual. Still , I've seen the pity in their eyes when they looked at me. But I also seen the hatred, and jealousy when they looked at friends who are stronger and healthier than myself. So, fight back, if you have to. Nobody said it was easy. But unfortunataly, I have lost what I cannot replace. And with it, my interest in the real world. It is better this way.
  15. I think the message is that friendship is like magic. It is not real, but we make believe. Which essentially means we are doomed! Doooomed! Wait, what is this? Fruit jellies. Forget about it. We are saved. Wait, "Does not contain real sugar?". We are doooomed, again! Do you understand the metaphor here? It seems like I don't. But I do. You see. The problem is this kind of binary thinking. For whenever you try to go up, the world will bring down in equal measure to the altitude you tried to reach. So... I have a better solution to your good/evil example. And that is called "silence". Dear user. What is the spell that prevents all magic? Yes, it is called "silence". Well done. And it is not necessarily a matter of something as mundane as polarities. But neutrality, instead. To become the smallest quantifiable measure. The closest you can get to death, without dying. That is how you never lose. By not winning. Do you understand? So, you become the highest and the lowest. And in doing so, you adquire the understanding that one leads inevitably to the other, and thefore deny both sides of the force. Renouncing to what is essentially the source of all conflict. "Power", in whatever form it may take. Desire, greed, lust. Even friendship. For it is also the source of rivarly. Like with many other things that start with good intentions. That is what Twilight failed to understand - her idealistic view only brought further destruction down the line. Because we are not ready. And we will never be ready to co-exist in a near perfect state of harmony. For we will try to destroy anything that is near perfect, given our inherent imperfection. The same way people envy celebrities for no rason, other than feeling inferior than these individuals who are ultimately as human as they themselves. Yet, that does not stop the hatred. And thus, nothing ever will. Except for the closest thing to real peace. Which is, as I said; death. That is what I call real magic. (1989 characters. The date I was born in... Also, do not get crazy ideas. Life has much to offer. So, try to understand that the source of my unusual view is my lessened body. After which my mind took shape like a schism that reveals the end before the beginning - the inevitable. So, have hope and believe in life, or feel free to be despondent as I am. There is enjoyment in every aspect. Even rejection of the world. If you can appreciate the beauty that lies within the dream that we both call hope. In whatever form it may take. Family, friends, children, work, art, devotion, dedication, etc, etc, etc).
  16. I was feeling in great pain. Like my heart was about to give up, yesterday. I looked at my eyes in the mirror and they were sunken. Too many things were revealed and I became aware of what I've lost. It was too much... to feel this old. So, I made a "cut" at the aortic height and pushed inwards into the plexus. I've regressed myself again. I feel like a child, and the world looks wondrous once more. My eyes look cristaline in the mirror. Clean. Young. The pain return to its source. I am not sorry for this at all. Because if they hadn't taken my strength. I would be the one protecting them, now. So much is being forgotten again. And the child is reborn once more. It is incredible. I don't even know how I do it. It's like pushing the truth further down. And the world with it. And you start to ascend. And become free of burden. My eyes looked dead. But no more. Even yesterday. I had these black spots on my arms. And I thought. It's over. Big C is here. But now they are gone. (999 characters. Holy sh*t. Talk about inversion. Magic is real).
  17. About the beneficial effects of drinking alcohol with moderation, in order to reduce the risk of heart attack and stroke.
  18. Hey, dude. Welcome to the forums. It's great to have you joining the herd.
  19. Good. Did some exercise today. Downed half a bottle of vodka. Got angry. Threw up. Sweated out the pain. Did some more exercise. Discipline. Tile the infertile ground, even if nothing can grow in it. I need to do it, regardless.
  20. Not necessarily. For once, they are real presences in their universe. While ours are archetypes meant to convey a given set of values and a moral structure to our lives. As well as to offer people a sense of common purpose and hope. It is similar with the lottery, for example. I was hearing this youtuber talk about the times he had visited this small group of people who played it religiously. Always the same people, always the same anticipation. The expectation. There was a sense of community to the group, even if the chances of winning were actually very slim. He still recognized that this was not the point. But that this seemingly small practice was an important part of their lives, and that they needed it. They needed that sense of community and hope. It was like the time I visited this charity dinner. I saw well dressed people there, who had the affordability to purchase food on their own. But they were there regardless. Because they needed that sense of community. Because we are social creatures in the end. And we need this interaction. We are all looking for something. And some people fill this with their families, some with their work, some with addictions. Some with art. Some with training. Some with religion. Some with dreams. This is life.
  21. I like them, kinda. But I like these ones better. Also, in the topic of oreos . Nothing compares to the oreo mcflurry. It's really good. But it is not an oreo thing. Basically, it is cookies and cream. That is the real magic. I've had this same ice cream from different places. And it was even better sometimes. It is really good.
  22. Not paying attention to them. But sometimes I've had people trying to be a piece a sh*t with me. And I said "thank you" to them. But it was from the heart. Without hostility whatsoever. And they just felt like a piece of sh*t with themselves. It is like a mirror thing. But I am in my own world most of the time. So, I just don't pay attention to anyone, really. I was blessed with oblivion. Both the elder scrolls game, and the power.
  23. That's really cool. I did play KotoR a long time ago, and I can only remember that I liked the game quite a bit. The sequel is more present in my memory, though. Despite its somewhat incomplete release. The game explores the more or less simplistic themes regarding the force in star wars. It is not as childish as good or evil. It is more complex. More unfair. More crude. In a way. But also more realistic. Which is good. Because that is part of what kept me away from star wars. That it wasn't "real" enough. It is like the comparison between the mandalorian and andor. One is a western soap opera; a very good one. While the other is a far more grounded series with more diffficult topics that pertain to real life. Things feel a little heavier. A little more difficult to discern. More complicated. That is what I liked about KotoR II. Because due to my incapacity to deal with problems in real life. I am someone who is constantly looking for the sh*t in everything. Which results in my mind picking up something up and tearing it apart to see what is inside. Deconstruction. And that is what Kotor II does with the force, to some degree. But still. Really cool. I do remember the first game vaguely, but it is still there.
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