Fractured Spirits - Sadness Warning

[Marcato 2,144]

Hey everypony! Lately I have been working on a fanfiction called Fracture Spirits, inspired by these three four characters:

Fractal Renegade

Invictus

Intredus

Krious/Neman

 

So just a heads up before you read, this is a work in progress and it is rather sad/dark. So be warned. It's not your typical happy life, romance or adventure fiction. Well, enjoy!

 

EDIT: Instead of pasting it all here, I am now using FiM Fiction!

Fractured Spirits, by Silver Arrow

Edited June 16, 2012 by Silvoid

[CluelessLlama13 55]

Gah!! I finally read it (for inspiration for more sketches ) and now I just wanna keep reading!

"TL;DR", my left pinkie! Useless finger, useless.

Well written! Can't wait for more!! Gonna keep drawing for this story for sure! It's different!

[Strife 455]

Here is a wee bit of a critique on your current progress:

• Grammar - Overall decent. There are quite few minor mistakes, but the general logistics are fine with nothing big to hinder the story flow too much [examples furnished upon request]. Lots of missing commas and misused used.
• Hook - The action of the story started fairly quickly, with enough mystery of events to encourage the reader to continue on and find out what is happening.
• Structure - Many of your sentences are far too short, creating a halting stop-and-go flow for the story. I recommend revising many of the sentences, possibly even combining some. In addition, you should either indent your paragraph or leave one line of spacing between paragraphs so that they can easily be identified (and give the story less of a Wall 'O Text feel).
• Details / Descriptions - The phrase "Show, don't tell" are wise words. It would be highly advantageous to add more descriptive phrases. Remember that reader cannot see inside your head; we want the reader to see exactly what you do simply by your text. Don't tell me about the experience, show me! In addition, this would help lengthen up a lot of the short sentences.
  • Example: " It was raining, and everyone was inside." and "The sky was dark and gloomy" (auto fixed the spelling mistake). This is telling us what kind of a sky it is.
  • Show us! "Rain beat upon the ground in a soothingly rhythmic downpour, lending noise to the otherwise silent town. Despite the gloomy nature of the weather, Fractal cheerily peered through the thick rain as he tried to find at least somepony that wasn't hiding from the torrential downpour." [As a quick example]
• ​Vocabulary Spread - Your variation in terms and phrases was not that high. Quite a few repeated phrases and words. Normally due to an inadequate range of vocabulary to draw upon. No worries though, a lot of people fall victim to this. All you need to do is identify which words / phrases you overuse and then learn how to replace them. There are various online resources for synonyms that can assist you (I use this one sometimes). Beware: Learn the proper definition of a new word before you swap it in! Some words may be synonyms, but have vastly different connotations.
• ​Commendations - You didn't submit to the dreaded "script dialog" that many people fall victim to. While you can use more variety in your phrasing, it is excellent you did not do conversation script-style.
• What I Liked - Some of the character interaction was good, even funny at times. It will be interesting to see how they develop.
• What I Disliked - Not enough content to determine anything substantial.
• What to Work On - Until the story and plot are further along, the only thing I can suggest are the various sections pointed out above.

[Marcato 2,144]

*Snipped*

 

O_O

That was excellent and incredibly helpful. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it greatly, and I will keep that in mind as I write chapter 4.

Oh right! I have two more chapters completed over on FiM Fiction, which is where I am now hosting Fractured Spirits. Here you are, enjoy!

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/32177/Fractured-Spirits